Relationship counseling tip: Have faith in your partner over doubt…invest in the building blocks of trust and cast out the termites of fear!

“Trust is to human relationships what faith is to gospel living. It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust is, love can flourish.”  ~Barbara Smith

Do you trust your lover? 100%? If so, what did you do to create that? If not, what have you done to create that?

The trust factor in a relationship is one of the primary cornerstones of a solid relationship foundation. Without trust, the relationship can be easily upset and usually stays more in an upset mode.

The big question is, if there is a lack of trust, why is it there? Has something legitimate happened to trigger it, or is it something from the “ghosts of relationships past” that is simply being transferred onto your current relationship?

If there is a lack of trust, then it’s time for the two of you to take a good long and very honest and open look at what’s happened. If there is something there that can’t seem to be resolved, then perhaps getting some professional help would be the next best move.

If lying, cheating or deception has occurred, you can bet that rebuilding trust will take significant time, energy and effort.

So, there are the obvious trust factors involving honesty and fidelity, and there are also many more subtle factors that occur on a daily basis.

For example, sometimes there may be a tendency to question your lover. This may be a very conscious act or, in many cases, more of a subconscious reaction. Oftentimes this comes from trying to rationalize something or to make sense of an emotional state. In these cases, it’s probably not intended as anything negative or hurtful, even though it may be perceived as such.

Therefore, you need to know this: There’s a fine line between questioning your lover’s judgment or decision-making skills for the purpose of understanding or being truly supportive and protective versus questioning because you want to be “right.”

This being right is typically when one person wants to feel in control, so they try to point out what the other has done “wrong” or could do differently.

This is usually either driven from the ego or fear, which, when you get to origin, are generally one in the same.

If you participate in trying to be right you’ll create an almost instant destruction!

Many relationships have been destroyed because one or both people are driven to be right. Make your relationship goal connection, understanding and support, instead of the ego-driven “need to be right syndrome.”

In any case, this questioning dynamic can be an irritant at the core of your relationship because it can bring with it the feeling of doubt. Obviously your relationship would be best served to eliminate this unnecessary, irritating and potentially damaging dynamic.

Therefore, it is always wise to ask and get clarity. Ask if your lover would like input, feedback, suggestions or ideas. Likewise, ask if they just want you to be an empathetic and understanding sounding board.

Whatever the case is, if you’re not supporting your lover with trust and faith, you risk sending a message of doubt, even though that may not be your intention.

Be trusting, be encouraging, be supportive, be curious and have faith that your lover is making good choices. Always use the healthy relational building blocks of faith and trust and avoid the destructive termites of fear and doubt.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”  ~ Thomas Merton

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Marry YourSelf First! Today…and Every Day!

“I believe that we are here for each other, not against each other. Everything comes from an understanding that you are a gift in my life – whoever you are, whatever our differences.”  ~ John Denver

It’s a known fact that those relationships which resist change often become stagnant and lose the passion and fire that was so much of the attraction early on. Without even realizing it, the couple enjoyed the differences early on because the differences were all part of the discovery process: Getting to know, learn and like each other.

Then, something slowly starts to change: Both people start to get pulled into the “same old-same old” pattern. Yes, we humans need a certain amount of predictability and familiarity, but too much of this results in the status quo. This “status quo syndrome” is oftentimes the beginning of a slow, painful slide into stagnation. And stagnation is where there is no passion, no growth and no change.

What’s the antidote? Embrace change and embrace your differences!

This goes way beyond just tolerating differences. This is truly looking for and embracing differences as part of the fundamental core of healthy ongoing relational growth and development.

Imagine if every day, everything you encountered was exactly the same (Remember the movie Groundhog Day?). Yes, it’d be “safe” and predictable, but this would not allow for any growth.

Think of relationships as growing, living organisms that need room to grow and expand. Would you put a hummingbird into a cage? No, of course not. In fact, a hummingbird would die in a very short period of time if it were caged.

Same thing with your relationship. And the easiest way to invite growth and expansion is to look for and celebrate the differences.

Here’s how the conversation between Don and Donna goes:

Don, “Honey, what are you reading?”

Donna, “The History of Man.”

Don, “Really?!! Tell me what drew you to that?”

Donna, “I saw a special on TV about it.”

Don, “Oh…tell me what you’ve enjoyed most so far.”

Donna, “The male and female differences that have been occurring for ages.”

Don, “Wow…sounds interesting. Please keep me informed with what else you discover and learn.”

Donna, “Sure thing.”

Now that may sound rather superficial (and it is somewhat), but the point is to have NO judgment or criticism about what your lover is talking about or referring to. Rather, be interested and curious.

When you release judgment and criticism about differences and keep the focus more on discovering something new and different about each other, you simply add more fuel to the passion-fire of the relationship.

You want to keep the passion alive…keep the fire burning…criticism and judgment simply put the fire out.

“When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.”  ~John Gray

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 Marry YourSelf First!

Relationship Counseling Tip: Always choose to be curious and fascinated by your partner instead of frustrated or angry!

“Here is something else I’ve learned. To be fascinated instead of frustrated. It is just a little trick to play. The next time you’re tempted to be frustrated, see if you can’t turn it into fascination. Instead of a frown, it puts a smile on your face. Now sometimes you look a little weird, but so be it.” ~ Jim Rohn

Your lover did it AGAIN! That same thing you’ve asked, begged, nagged and pleaded with them NOT to do and they did it anyway.

What do you do now? The typical reaction is to get mad, angry and frustrated. After all, you are right and entitled, correct? Yes…and no!

There is a bigger question to be asked: What do you want? Want peace and love? Connection and affection? Happiness and harmony?

If so, then it’s up to you to respond differently.

Think of yourself as Sherlock Holmes and you’re uncovering a case. Get curious about what’s going on. Get fascinated by your lover’s response (or lack thereof).

Now you might be asking, “Why?” and that’s a fair question. So let me ask you a question: What happens if you throw gas on a burning fire? It makes it blow up, right?
Same thing here. Your mission is to build rapport, not blow things up.

It may sound and feel counter-intuitive because chances are it’s much different than what you’ve been accustomed to, and different than the “norms.”

But many times the “norms” are the relationships that are stagnant, failing and dysfunctional, and you want a successful, growing and thriving relationship, right?

It’s “easy” to do what you’ve been doing and what everyone else seems to be doing. As easy as getting pulled down by gravity. It’s tougher and more challenging to blaze a trail for your relationship to travel. Take the more challenging path and just commit yourself to be more fascinated and curious about your lover.

In doing so, you’re likely to discover some new, and very interesting, things about your lover. React in the way that you’ve reacted in the past and you’re bound to discover nothing new and repeat the same old dysfunctional patterns.

If you want new results, you have to put in new action and new behaviors. Do this and you’re more likely to have your lover join you as well.

“Be curious, not judgmental.” ~ Walt Whitman

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And Marry YourSelf First! Every Day in Every Way!

Relationship Counseling Tip: Be amused about the differences you and your partner have instead of being annoyed. Remember: It’s always a choice!

“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible – the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” ~ Virginia Satir

You like things one way and your partner likes them a different way. In the beginning of the relationship, you were both able to overlook these differences. But now, for some strange reason, these exact same differences have become a major annoyance, perhaps even bordering on deal-breaker material.

Why?

Several possible reasons, but most likely there are two primary culprits: First, you’ve lost some of your humor and your ability to be flexible. Just like a muscle, if you don’t exercise your humor and flexibility regularly, they’ll atrophy and lose their strength, leaving you responding in a boring, rigid and not fun way.

Second, you’re probably really upset about a number of other things that have NOT been expressed and your mind is getting confused and issues are getting displaced. In other words, you’re upset or bothered by one issue, but it comes out at another issue.

This is classic displacement and without conscious awareness, this can, and does, happen easily and frequently, and often can eat away at relationships like termites in a wooden frame house.

What to do?

As absurd as it may sound, practicing your humor and flexibility are great exercises. For example, when couples both wear clown noses during a disagreement, the entire energy of the conversation changes…dramatically! This is a deliberate disruption of an undesired habit or reaction. Although it may sound a bit weird (which is usually good when you’re attempting to create new patterns), it is very effective at adding both humor and flexibility at the same time.

When it comes to displacement, there is only one solution and it’s called The H.O.W. Factor: Honest, Open and Willing. Healthy and lasting relationships are built on a solid foundation of communication, trust and fidelity. The cornerstones are honesty, openness and willingness.

When you commit to have regular check-ins, say twice a week, for the distinct purpose of staying current with each other, you proactively invite, and almost force, an honest, open and willing relationship.

These check-ins also allow and invite an opportunity to negotiate or compromise any differences with the goals always being to create a win-win for both people. What can you both be flexible about and give to create harmony and peace?

Yes…these are all choices. The biggest choice, however, is the choice to choose. Many couples go into an “autopilot” mode and become complacent and semi-conscious about their relationship. The result is always the same: A rude awakening consisting of distance, aloofness, resentment and oftentimes, an infidelity.

When you consciously choose to be in a relationship and you choose to have a conscious relationship, you’re also choosing to be proactive in your relationship. Be proactive and set-up regularly scheduled check-in times and use your clown nose (or whatever other humor prompting mechanism you have) to keep it all flexible and fluid.

“Nothing in the world is more flexible and yielding than water. Yet when it attacks the firm and the strong, none can withstand it, because they have no way to change it. So the flexible overcome the adamant, the yielding overcome the forceful.”~Lao Tzu

Get the free guide for couples: Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!

And Marry YourSelf First! Every Day in Every Way!

Please Leave  Your Thoughts and Comments About This Post Below…

My friend Chris Brogan recently challenged me
(well, actually, he “invited” me)
to write about “the importance of the story in my life.”

So here’s the deal:
Living my life as a story means that I’m the author of every day.
I can choose my thoughts carefully, as well as what I say.

I can make this chapter exciting, yes, to hurl the Mojo through the veins.
Or perhaps today the hero I’ll be, extracting all human pain.

Or I can write it bland and boring….it’s absolutely my choice.
I can be quiet and impotent or have a triumphant voice.

As the author of my story, I can play big or small.
I can manifest every great thing, or simply lose it all.

And if I don’t like the ending, I’ll write it again and again.
I’ll make peace with my enemies and everyone becomes my friend.

But in writing such a story, I risk being misunderstood.
My neighbors might make fun of me, and run me from the ‘hood.

But I now must ask myself, as another chapter elapses,
Did I live in discovery or add to my numerous relapses?

Yes I choose to write today, as big and bold as I can.
You see, it matters not what others think, this is simply who I am.

And since I must sleep tonight with me, myself and I,
I choose today to author my life as one uncommon guy.

Uncommon because, I say to you, I’m living outside the lines.
And that, my friend, now I know is Authoring by Design…

(And now, what will YOU write today?)