“Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” ~Steve Martin

“Why won’t he talk to me?”

Okay guys, you’re about to get slammed…don’t say you weren’t warned!

Guys have been getting a bad rap about their lack of openness in relationships for a long time. Maybe even since the beginning of time! And unfortunately, guys, there is quite a bit of truth and validity to all this.

And sure, you could blame your dad because he wasn’t a good role model, or you could even say you were a victim of the times. After all, big boys don’t laugh, cry, smile or get angry, right?!!

But let’s look at this without getting into the blame game or any kind of victim mentality…okay?

First look at why you might want to be more open. Here’s one huge reason: Because it makes her happy! So how about letting go of, “It doesn’t make any sense to me…” at least for now.

Think of this as a gift…More beautiful than a dozen fresh roses…Sweeter than the richest chocolate…Beyond the most sentimental card.

Not just any gift; it’s the gift of all gifts!

She wants to hear what’s going on in your world. She wants to hear your feelings and your thoughts and your fears and your dreams.

She wants to hear it all.

And then she wants you do to the same. It’s not hard. In fact, it’s actually quite simple. It’s called “Listening 101.”

It’s called the “Listening Thee Step” and it goes like this:

Step One: You give her your undivided attention. No TV. No cell phone. No computer. No nothing. Just you, listening fully to her and completely.

Easy…right?!!

Step Two (which goes along with Step One): No judgment or criticism about what she says. Just listen. Be interested in what’s going on in her world. If you don’t understand something, then ask for more information.

Wow…simple and easy!

Oh, almost forgot…

Step Three: Don’t try to fix her…she’s not broken. Maybe a bit emotional. Maybe a bit upset. Maybe a little scared or worried. Maybe even a little angry. But not broke.

That’s it. Do this daily and you’ll be on your way to creating the most fabulous relationship you could ever imagine.

But let’s get back to where we started. Yes, let’s get back to talking about you talking…talking more.

The essence of a relationship is the connection between two people. What does essence mean? This is the soul or the spirit of the relationship. It’s the core or the foundation. It’s the heart of the relationship.

And if the heart stops beating, or if it’s not taken care of properly, then the heart begins to whither and die.

And so does the relationship.

First there’s fighting and bickering, followed by power-struggles and resentment, and then the distance and avoidance happens, and then, as the relationship begins to gasp for fresh air, it dies a slow death.

Nasty sounding isn’t it!??

And it all can be saved, guys, if you’ll just open up more.

Here’s an easy way to make this a part of your regular routine: Every day pick a time to check in with her. Make it a time when she’s available and you’re available. Just ask how her day was. Then share with her what your day was like.

Yes…it’s that simple!

But there is another side to this, since the question was originally posed from the woman’s perspective.

Women, hear this: You cannot “make him” open up.

In fact, nobody can make anybody open up.

You are the only one who can do anything differently. And although you may not want to admit that, that is the way it is.

It’s always easier to try to get the other person (“him” in this case) to do something differently. And that’s probably because our eyes look outward and they don’t look inward.

It sometimes is very uncomfortable to look inward and ask yourself the really tough questions. Even if “he” is stubborn beyond belief, it’s still up to you to ask yourself what you can do differently in your interactions with him.

People (men, in this case) sometimes feel like they’re being attacked, when they are not. In this case, a different approach would be advised.

If someone responds in a defensive manner, don’t ignore it and don’t fight it, but be curious about it. Inquire about it. See what you can find out about this. And do this all with great compassion.

Here’s the bottom-line: When you change your tactics and you approach someone in a different way, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. There’s a possibility that “he” may respond differently.

So, “Why won’t he talk to me?”  Start by having a different conversation. Both of you (guys…ladies!)! Use some new tactics. What have you got to lose? And, by the way, don’t get into analyzing the “why” question. That’s a waste of time. Better to ask yourself, “How?” How can you communicate differently? How can you respond differently? How can you be proactive differently?

Click here to get the free couples guide Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!

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And Marry YourSelf First Every Day in Every Way!

Even though it may not seem like LeBron James, the Miami Heat and Don Gilbert have anything to do with the ongoing work life balance challenge, they do…and in a much bigger way than you may ever imagine!

LeBron James, professional basketball ultra-superstar, decided to leave the only team he’s ever played for, the Cleveland Cavaliers, to join the Miami Heat, who have also just signed two other superstar players, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh.

And Don Gilbert, owner of the Cavaliers, is really mad… hopping mad!

In fact, Gilbert said this in an AP phone interview, “He [James] has gotten a free pass…People have covered up for way too long. Tonight we saw who he really is.”

Gilbert went on to suggest that James “quit” during the playoffs, meaning that he didn’t play at his superstar level when the team needed him the most.

Of course, that’s a matter of opinion and obviously Gilbert is currently very hurt and angry.

But here’s Gilbert’s clincher, “It’s not about him leaving…It’s the disrespect. It’s time for people to hold these athletes accountable for their actions. Is this the way you raise your children? I’ve been holding this all in for a long time.”

So Mr. Gilbert has felt this way for a long time…sounds like bitter resentment.

Whether or not LeBron James made the “right” decision will be debated for many years, but there are other dynamics connected to work life balance (believe it or not!) here.

Since most people generally put a huge amount of time and energy into their careers, here are some LeBron James-Don Gilbert-Miami Heat lessons to glean from this:

1.) Legendary football coach Vince Lombardi said, “Winning isn’t everything, but the will to win is everything.” Are you putting your absolute best effort into your work in life? If not, why? If you aren’t passionate about what you do, then why are you doing it?

2.) California Governor and former Mr. Universe Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” When faced with adversity do you go forward into the challenge or quit? Do you “try and try again” until you find the seed of equal or greater benefit? Do you stick to your commitment regardless of the difficulties? Are you a “sticker” or a quitter?

3.) Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong said, “Winning is about heart, not just legs. It’s got to be in the right place.”  Where is your heart? Are you 100% committed to your mission?

4.)  Television minister and positive growth sage Robert H. Schuller says, “Winning starts with beginning.” Are you all in?

5.) And perhaps the greatest basketball player ever, Michael Jordan, said, “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” Do you face failure with a renewed commitment to get better?…to continually improve?…to win?

6.) And from John Wooden, who was probably the greatest college basketball coach ever, “Material possessions, winning scores, and great reputations are meaningless in the eyes of the Lord, because He knows what we really are and that is all that matters.” What are your values? What is it that is truly important to you? And what is the impression you’re leaving on everyone around you, especially the children?

7.) And last, but not least, if you – like apparently Mr. Gilbert – have a grudge, dissatisfaction or resentment, why are you not addressing it? Someone once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison, hoping the other person gets sick.” Only you get sick if you have the resentment!

Since you’ll most likely spend the majority of life developing your career, you may want to examine all the dynamics involved. Maybe it’s time to do a thorough inventory of yourself and your chosen career path, and really invite yourself to raise the bar and be your absolute best. Ask yourself all of the above questions…and maybe a few more of your own.

You’ll feel better about you and everyone around you will feel better too…and you’ll improve your work life balance!

P.S. And Marry YourSelf First!!

From The Success Coach: How Will YOU Make YOUR Life Better?!!

What will YOU do to stay in the solution?

What will YOU do to create positive change in your life?

What will YOU do to create positive change in your community?

What will YOU do to create positive change in the world?

What will YOU do?…

Start here: Marry YourSelf First!

This is a dynamic that is, unfortunately, very commonplace in relationships today. Always know that if you’re feeling jealousy or have insecurities, it’s on you to resolve it. In other words, it’s YOUR issue!

It is a great opportunity for you to take a deep look inside yourself and really ask yourself, “What is it that I feel insecure or jealous about? What is it about ME that’s causing this?” If you have insecure feelings with somebody else or have jealousy, know that’s just a projection…a projection of something going on deep inside of you.

Yes, it’s so much easier for us to look outwardly and put the focus on another person and try to make it about them. To even look at the other person and say, “They did this that caused me to feel jealous or insecure.”

But that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. If somebody is doing something that is that outlandish, or that’s breaking trust, that is an obvious deal-breaker and you need to think about why you’re in that relationship…period!

But what CAN YOU do about these insecurities and feelings of jealousy? First, it’s good to know that this most likely comes from some place deep inside that is typically connected to an old wound. In fact, it often comes from events that have occurred very early in life.

(Side note: This would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

It’s time to do a thorough examination and inventory of yourself and your history, and ask yourself:
• What were the primary messages that I received about myself?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my self-worth?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my identity?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my looks?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my capabilities?
• What were the primary messages that I received about others?
• What were the primary messages that I received about relationships?

These messages are not always obvious and often they may have been expressed in a more subtle way. Through looks, body language, facial expressions or even silence. So even though you may have been brought up in a really healthy and normal environment, there may have been some other things that you picked up on that were just really subtle messages. And you may have made you own conclusions based on incorrect assumptions or interpretations.

But really ask yourself this one core question: How did I feel about myself when I was growing up. And then also ask yourself:
• What’s my history in past relationships?
• Have I been burned?
• Have I been taken advantage of?
• Have I been cheated on?
• Is there any unresolved energy there that’s starting to rear its ugly head?

Here’s the bottom-line to this whole jealousy and insecurity issue: Things that are unresolved from childhood or past relationships will continually come up until you put them to rest!

If you leave a relationship, the issues will follow you to the next and the next and the next…in fact, you’ll probably even pick the same kind of person because there is so much unresolved energy going on at a subconscious level.

The message to the subconscious mind has to be that the “war” is over, all is now safe, and it’s now time for peace. When there are significant unresolved issues, our mind can get stuck at the subconscious level and play over and over like a broken record. This is particularly true when there has been something really traumatic. And if you don’t know how to “scratch the record” and get it to jump into the present, then it’ll keep playing that at a subconscious level.

Start with these simple exercises:
1. Write an uncensored letter to any and all past partners who you felt had hurt or betrayed you in any way. Write all your feelings and emotions. Write until you can’t write any more. Then have a ceremony and burn the letters. Release the resentment…Release the grudge…Release the hurt.

2. Imagine that you bring “younger you” into the present. What would you want to express to him or her about life…relationships…and him or herself? Think about how you would affirm, acknowledge, support, care for, love and protect that younger part of you. Do this daily and create a “corrective experience.”

So, if you find yourself feeling jealous and insecure, it is a great time for YOU to do some healing and growing…embrace the moment!

(Second side note: Again, this would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

Please Leave a Comment Below for Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First! every day in every way!

Is Your Relationship Living or Dying?

This is a classic question being asked by many wives today. The first thing to do is the obvious: Ask him! And in asking him, have you clarified to him how important it is to you and to the kids?

Here are a few things to be aware of when asking:

• Be aware of “how” you’re asking.
• Are you nagging, whining or complaining? Ask in a positive tone.
• When are you asking? Pick a time when he’s available and not preoccupied.

All of which brings up the next question: Have you and your husband been practicing good communication or have you done what many couples do and just gone on autopilot?

Autopilot is a common relationship dynamic that silently says, “Let’s keep it comfortable, predictable and familiar.” Unfortunately, comfortable, predictable and familiar do not allow for  growth and if there’s no growth, the relationship can and will become very stagnant very fast. Sometimes what a relationship needs more than anything else is a shakeup. Something out of the ordinary, like a new way of interacting. Too many couples have become passive and they’ve stopped asking for what they truly want and need, and they’ve stopped making their requests.

In other words, they’ve begun to settle. And here’s a fact about settling: When you settle for less you always get less…never more! For example, couples often settle for setting fewer boundaries, which means they stop making the requests to fulfill their wants and needs, and they stop informing their partner about unacceptable behavior.

And what then happens is as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, there’s a growing separation and distance between the two. And then the wife’s simple issue of “I’d like you to spend more time with the kids,” turns into a resentment filled and fueled power-struggle.

This may sound like an evasion of the original question, but there are bigger issues and dynamics here. These issues don’t grow overnight; they usually have been festering for months, years and at times, even decades.

So the key is really about having healthy assertive communication. One of the greatest gifts one partner can give to another in a relationship is healthy communication. This is particularly relevant when it comes to conflict resolution. Oftentimes conflict resolution simply means to ask the more difficult and sometimes emotionally charged questions.

This issue of the husband spending more time with the family may be one of those situations where there may be a tendency to skate around the issue because it might feel uncomfortable. Like, “I don’t feel like asking him because he might get irritated,” or “I might sound like I’m nagging.”

However, the goal here is simple: Ask and make the request anyway. You must often just take the action that’s uncomfortable or awkward. And yes, it may even stir the pot and create a little conflict, but if you don’t confront and deal with conflict, the relationship will, by default, go on autopilot, and relationships die in autopilot mode!

Die?!! Yes…here’s why: Everything in life is either living or dying. Which means your life is either growing and expanding or shriveling and dying.

And if you’re not addressing issues straight-up and confronting dynamics that are unacceptable, then the relationship is starting to die.

So, how can you get your husband to spend more time with the family? It starts with you communicating effectively and assertively. If you’re not there or can’t seem to get there, or if there has been a continual cycle of breakdowns after you’ve tried over and over again, then it’s time to hire a professional.

It’s amazing what a couple of counseling sessions with a good relationship counselor can do! Have a few sessions with someone who can actively teach you how to effectively communicate with each other.

Do all this and the question of “How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?” answers itself.

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Marry YourSelf First! for the Best Relationships