I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.

Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.

Why do people cheat?

Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.

But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.

All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.

But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…

You get the picture, right?

The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.

But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?

Wow! These numbers are not so common.

And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”

Sorry to be the bearer of the news.

The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.

This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.

So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?

Answer: It’s “easier” not to.

The problem is that “easier” is often not better.

But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.

We are a “change ignorant” people.

(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)

Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.

But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.

Sound contradictory?

Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”

And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.

The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.

Just four simple points:

1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.

2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.

3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.

4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.

Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.

But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?

AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.

I do know a guy….

More from Ken Donaldson…

Start today: Marry YourSelf First!

Staying faithful a task for some: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com

Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp

My friends at Fox and I chatted a bit about Maria and Arnold a while back…but we really got into some deeper issues and dynamics…unfortunately we ran out of time.

Affairs, infidelity and betrayal are always big tough issues to work through.

Getting beyond betrayal, healing infidelity and moving past the hurt, pain and trauma of an affair is very challenging and can be overwhelming.

In other words, making a change of that magnitude is very difficult AND very uncommon.

The last question raised was on the show was: “Getting back to the whole trust thing; would somebody in that situation, let’s say Maria,  ever trust anybody to that same level?”

My response was that Maria could actually trust more.

What?!! How could that possibly be true?

For a moment, forget about this being specifically about Maria.

After all, she does deserve some privacy, right?

AND this is a much bigger issue with HUGE underlying dynamics.

As odd as it sounds, you would think somebody that’s been wounded at this level would never allow herself to be hurt again.

Which would be a great choice…but HOW she does it is really the key.

The big question is more about working through the “woundedness.”

Quick fix?

No…not at all. In fact, it will most likely take a lot of time, effort and energy. Most likely some intense therapy, a tremendous amount of honest self-reflection and some major reworking of the inner values and outer boundaries.

Change at this level requires a mammoth commitment.

And most people, unfortunately, will NOT put the necessary time and energy into the healing and growth process. Actually most people probably don’t even know that they can heal and grow past the pain.

Instead, they walk around hurt, wounded and unhealed and, as a result, make even poorer decisions in their future.

Do you think you can really make a good decision if your mind is clouded and influenced by the hurt, anger and resentment of past wounds?

The real question for anyone in this situation is: Do you WANT to heal, grow and expand?

Most everyone responds with a resounding “Yes!”

But why, then, do most people not follow through?

The same reason people overeat when they know it’s unhealthy, overspend when they know they don’t have the money and get into relationships they know are not good for them.

Why do people do all this!!?

Brain confusion…yes, their brain gets confused with too many different messages and usually does not pick the most logical (and usually healthiest) path.

Why does the brain get confused? Because you actually have three brains all trying to deliver varying messages to you.

Which message do most people listen to?

Usually the one with the biggest emotional charge.

Are emotions rational and logical (or healthy)?

NO!…Not usually.

The three brains:

• The Inner Brain: The most primitive and activates your fight or flight mechanism. Also, the basic survival drives for food, water and procreation. Basic emotions of fight or flight, freeze or hide and live or die.
• The Middle Brain: More advanced but still without reason… the basic “love and loyalty” drives originate here.
• The Outer Brain: The most advanced (only humans and apes have this) and where logic, conscious thinking and reasoning come from. Also, this where our “ethical thinking” comes from, meaning unique values, rules and guidelines for living.

SO…for example: The Inner Brain is obsessed with pure lust. The Middle Brain is driven by love and devotion. The Outer Brain is infatuated with an amazing romantic experience.

A pretty woman or handsome guy comes along and the Inner Brain screams out for sex, the Middle Brain falls in love and the Outer Brain tries to figure out how to make it all happen ethically.

See the conflicts? And ALL the different and even contradictory messages?

And too often the Inner Brain wins….the primal survival instincts.

Another example: You are offered the Super Duper Size order of French fries. Your Outer Brain says, “No, those are bad for you.” Your Middle Brain doesn’t really care one way or the other although it does recall a time when you shared French fries with a past romantic interest. And your Inner Brain screams, “Get all you can as this could be the last meal you ever have and more fat with help protect you!”

The Inner Brain often wins again.

See and hear the problem?

Add to that the many complexities of memory, conditioning and all the other known and unknown variables of the brain and you can quickly surmise why people have some of the issues that they do.

AND why people don’t change for their own good.

When you bring this all back to Maria (and all those others who have had similar experiences) you can see that she could work through all this and actually be even more conscious, more aware and more loving….AND even more trusting.

Will she? Who knows? That’s totally up to her.

And bringing it back to you: Is there anything you’re still reacting to from your past that is getting in the way of your future?

Perhaps now is the time to clear it.

Is it easy? No. It probably will require a great deal of effort, energy and commitment…and a lot of going out of your comfort zone…a whole lot!

Are you worth it?

Yes….

Time to ChangeUp…it works when you work it.

More from Ken Donaldson…

Today: Marry YourSelf First!

Dr. Tom Hanson recently released his latest book, Play Big.

If you don’t know Dr. Tom, he’s a Tampa-based sports psychologist whose niche is helping baseball players (professional and amateur) perform optimally.

More than anything else, he helps these athletes get the inside game won.

Play Big is a fictional story about a player struggling with hitting the ball (only known as “number 21”) who serendipitously meets this extremely shrewd sage who has no name but is very wise about knowing how to win the inside game of baseball (and life).

Think The Peaceful Warrior meets Field of Dreams.

On page 179 the sage introduces the “inner caveman” as the survival and safety mechanism everyone has in their brain.

When the inner caveman perceives a threat, whether it’s real or imagined, it sets off an alarm to be on guard.

When most people feel this alarm they perceive it as anxiety and usually tense up and back away from whatever the perceived threat is.

The problem with that response pattern, whether you’re playing baseball or just interacting with life, is when you tense up and/or back away, you never perform optimally.

This is an overreaction of the “fight or flight” mechanism of the brain, known more formally as the sympathetic nervous system.

When a baseball player steps up to the plate and is in a state of fight or flight, his muscles tighten up too much and he is not able to swing the bat with his natural and instinctual capabilities.

These natural capabilities are actually wired for high performance.

Yes the athlete (and everyone, including you) is wired to succeed and excel at a very high level.

More simply put, you are wired for greatness.

The ONLY thing that gets in the way is the overreactive fight or flight mechanism.

Yes…the mind simply malfunctions at times without you truly knowing why or how.

But what activates the fight or flight mechanism?

Fear.

Fear of failure and rejection to be exact.

Back to the caveman: He needed his tribe to survive, so any threat to being ostracized from the tribe would literally be life-threatening.

In spite of all the information and technological advances and discoveries made over time, the human brain is exactly the same as caveman days.

No…there is no human brain 2.0!

This means if your inner caveman perceives that a failure may lead to rejection, which may in turn lead to being ostracized, then the sympathetic nervous system is activated and you will not perform optimally if you happen to be playing baseball.

This same dynamic is also occurs in all areas of your life and as long as it reacts this way you will not perform optimally.

Not even close, in fact.

This is why the fear of failure and the fear of rejection are so prevalent (and so destructive).

Dr. Tom really didn’t write this book for the athlete; he wrote it for everyone, as everyone can benefit from this technology.

The next question: How does someone change this response pattern?

Simple…they think differently and create a different emotional response.

Here’s an example: Think about something you do every day without much attention. Something that is almost automatic. Maybe driving, or brushing your teeth or putting on your clothes.

Most people do these tasks, and most daily tasks, automatically and very confidently.

So confidently, in fact, that they don’t even think about it much or at all.

When you engage in one of these activities, you’re being unconsciously confident and competent.

Now imagine you’re able to recreate that same automatically confident energy in other tasks that maybe have been anxiety producing in the past.

What happens when you do?

You feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful.

And when you feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful, you automatically feel more confident and perform optimally.

You feel free. Welcome to your greatness!

So, when you visualize yourself doing anything, always see yourself doing it with great ease, calm and peace…breathe deeply and smile, as your body will automatically calm itself with breathing and smiling.

(Yes, stress, deep breathing and smiling cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Stress is overruled by a big smile and a deep breath, and then cast out.)

And remember to stop by and say thanks to Dr. Tom….sneaky guy he is trying to convince the world that this book is about baseball.

Play Big is about life and how to win in a way that will bring you the most happiness and freedom.

That is what you want, right?

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!

Meet Joe Monks.
(http://www.joemonks.com/)

A blind film director.

Read it again: A blind film director.

Are you trying to figure out how that works?

Joe lost his eyesight in 2002 as the result of his long-time battle with diabetes, but he didn’t let that hold him back, as he wrote and directed The Bunker.

Joe recently received the Achievement in Cinema award at the 2011 Gasparilla International Film Festival.

(And The Bunker is being submitted to the Cannes Film Festival this year.)

Joe didn’t know he was going to have to give a speech at Gasparilla until about 10 minutes before he went on stage.

His impromptu speech was beyond “touching” as he challenged every participant present with his powerful oration.

He began by sharing with the audience the old cliché of “when one door closes…” but he put a brand new spin on it.

He suggested that we not look for another open door when the door closes, but rather, we need to remind ourselves that just because a door is closed, it doesn’t mean it’s locked.

So it’s our job to pick the lock, take off the hinges or break the damn door down (that’s what Joe said!)

Joe went on to use another cliché about dropping the infamous pebble into a pond and how the pebble creates ripples.

But he added his ever so pithy Joeism to it: Because of the award he won the pebble (his movie, The Bunker) is now a bigger pebble and his hopes are that one of the now bigger ripples will get someone’s attention and they’ll say “Joe Monks won an award?!! He sucks!!” (Again, Joe’s words here!)

And for those people, Joe simply says, “Come get some…the door is open.”

Joe Monks is quite an inspirational story, to say the least.

And he’s a guy who could very easily have fallen into depression because of what he “lost” or even gotten into some addictive behavior as a way to cope.

But instead, he has gone forward and done what no one has ever done before.

No one!

And his wife stands by his side.

Segue…

This month’s empowerment topic is: The “Other” A.D.D.: Addiction, Depression and Divorce…What to Know, What to Do and How to Make it All Stick

If you or your loved ones have been challenged by addiction, depression or divorce, keep your eyes and ears open as you’ll be receiving some useful information.

(Click here for a resource for you right now.)

And if you have challenges you’d like to get answers to, feel free to stop by www.AskKenDonaldson.com .

Bring ‘em on and let’s create some break-throughs like Joe’s.

And Marry YourSelf First!

Sad, mad, scared, ashamed…who wants to be the first to talk about these feelings?

No hands went up and there were no volunteers…how come?

Is it because the idea of you actually controlling emotions seems too challenging?

Or perhaps you were brought up in an “emotionally detached” environment and emotional expression just feels too weird or uncomfortable.

But when the question is asked “how to control your emotions” every few people seem to have answers.

In fact, most people run when they hear questions about emotions or the mere conversation about emotions.

That is, of course, unless these same people are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, then for some strange reason they often get instantaneously comfortable, confident and courageous about expressing themselves and their emotions.

But that doesn’t really count, does it?

In fact, that may be one BIG reason why there is a huge drug and alcohol problem: People can only deal with their emotions while under the influence.

Sad, isn’t it?!!

Look at the following list of emotions and see what you feel when you read them:

• Joy    
• Sadness
• Trust
• Disgust
• Fear  
• Anger
• Surprise      
• Anticipation

Which feel the most comfortable?

And which feel the least comfortable?

Any idea why?

Most people are more at ease with “joy” or it’s close relative “happiness” than most of the others…why?

Some people aren’t even comfortable with these lighter and happier emotions.

When asking “why” it seems to be so challenging to express emotions, here are some things to consider:

1.) We are not typically taught much of anything about emotions. We have no classes and very little, if any, curriculum in mainstream education about emotions and the expression thereof. Therefore, we are all, by default, rather emotionally dumb.

2.) Many people are brought up in environments which had excessive emotions in one direction or another and because of this, these people often associate emotions as being dangerous, inappropriate or as an “out of control” experience. Therefore, there is conditioned response, much like a reflex, to avoid the emotions.

3.) Much of what is portrayed about emotions through various media outlets (TV, movies, books, etc.) is extremely distorted…Do you really want to have “The Simpsons” as your emotional role model? This adds to both the conditioned emotional avoidance response and low emotional intelligence.

The end result is that most people have very little, if any, solid foundation to explore or express emotions.

You could say that we’ve become rather emotionally ignorant.

So here’s the next question: How can you create better emotional health, more emotional connection and healthy resources to better control your emotions?

Here’s the simple answer: Make all your emotions okay.

Easier said than done, right?

Start by making a new rule: All your emotions are okay…no good ones and no bad ones, they are just all okay.

After all, (now get ready to hear this!!) they are ONLY emotions.

That’s right…ONLY emotions.

They don’t really mean anything.

BUT, people often attach a HUGE meaning to them and that’s what makes them so challenging.

When you get to the place where you can simply observe emotions, whether they are yours or others, you’ll find that without the meaning attached (which is usually a negative distortion), the emotion itself has very little charge to it.

AND ponder this: If you could, by some kind of act of modern science, bring “Younger You” into the present, what would you say to Younger You about all those emotions?

Probably that all emotions are all okay, normal and healthy, and that emotional expression is especially okay…right?!!

Then perhaps you could practice just that: Imagine having one of these imaginary conversations with Younger You…a “corrective conversation” that would give Younger You permission to have and express any and all emotions.

And the value of this? Your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference (in most cases) between what’s real and what’s imagined. Therefore when you use your imagination to your benefit (like in this simple practice) you actually leave a new, and positive, impression in the subconscious.

It’s like planting new seeds in your garden and these are the seeds of how you want things to be.

Take good care of these new seeds (“water the seeds” frequently) by spending a couple minutes each day with these new imagery exercises.

You’ll begin to change your reactions from the inside-out.

Work with all types of emotions, include them all, and make sure you include the love emotions…many people received many mixed messages here.

Improve your emotional intelligence and you’ll find all areas of your life improving.

And Marry YourSelf First!

Read more from Ken Donaldson…

A REAL fire.

Evidently some trees rubbed my power line to the point of creating an open line and all the lights started to flash in my house, the backup battery systems started to beep and finally there was a puff of smoke followed by sparks and then an outlet burst into flames.

Wow…all before 9 a.m.!

I was fortunate to be here at home and not at my office, otherwise, I may not be writing this today as I’m sure there would have been a significant fire.

Yes, I am VERY grateful.

But I noticed something as all this was going on.

I noticed how calm I was.

I’m not meaning to brag, but I have to say that I impressed myself.

I guess all those years of deep breathing, meditation, positive thinking, mental reframing and self-hypnosis paid off.

I think I’ll keep practicing what I’ve been doing…it seems to be working.

All of which brings me to a question: How are you at “putting out fires?”

This term of speech, “putting out fires”, typically means responding to crisis, conflict, unexpected surprises or, as some call it, the “do-do” of life.

How are you at all of that?

I’ve noticed that there are four basic types of responses:

Freeze: These are the people who are the proverbial “deer in the headlights” reactors. They get immediately overwhelmed and their emotions override their intellect and wisdom. They don’t take action. They don’t do anything. They freeze.

Fight: Some people are so reactive that when anything is the least bit upsetting their emotions go into full tilt overdrive. They get angry, frustrated, irritated or just go into a rage. Their action is irrational and often inappropriate. They instantly burn the bridges between themselves and others. These are the “reactors” of life.

Flight: They run. They run more. They keep running. Sometimes they forget what they’re running from. Their emotional response is such that they instantly see things as “life threatening” and obviously overreact by running. These are the conflict avoiders of life.

Fix: These people stop, pause, think, analyze and then go into action. Although their emotions are present, they are able to keep their emotions in check. Their intellect and wisdom override their emotions. They go into rational action and stay focused until they have completed the task to the best of their ability.

Which are you?

I can honestly tell you that I have been all four at one time or another in my life.

Today, fortunately, I do my best to stay in the latter category. I stop, pause, think and respond.

It’s very easy to allow one’s emotions to make their decisions. Emotions are very powerful and very helpful in many ways, but NOT to make decisions with…especially the super important decisions.

In my case, I had an impulse to throw water on the fire, since I know that water puts out fire. However, if you throw water on electrical fires, you can create many more problems.

I wonder how many people in life react and “throw water on an electrical fire.”

I have learned over the years that when I practice meditation and Qigong breathing, I seem to have better control over emotional situations. I can’t tell that I really know how that all works, all I know is that it works for me.

I also have a very empowering mantra:

Every moment of every day, I get better and better in every way.
Every moment of every day, I get richer and richer in every way.
Every moment of every day, I get stronger and stronger in every way.
Every moment of every day, I get wiser and wiser in every way.

I think there’s a part of me that actually has begun to fully believe that message.

It’s only taken 53 years….and I know it’ll get better and better every day…in every way!

As somewhat of an aside, I was also quite surprised with the power company’s seemingly lack of concern that my house could have burned down. I found it alarming that the customer service representative wanted to tell me all about their policies and procedures. She also said she would get back to me regarding having the trees trimmed.

It’s been three days now. I have a feeling I won’t hear back.

No worries, I’ll write a nice letter to the CEO. Don’t really like to do that, but have found that that is sometimes the only path to any resolution.

I bring this issue up for only one reason: Integrity.

How is your integrity? Are you living at your highest standards? Are you “your living word”? Are you “being whole” with yourself?

So, a few things for you to ponder: Fires, emotions, meditation, integrity.

I think it’s called “Life”, or as one of my older and wiser clients says, “It all comes with the birth certificate.”

Feel free to leave a comment below.

And today is a good day to Marry YourSelf First!

“Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished.  If you’re alive, it isn’t.”

Every day I hear people asking me this question, “Why am I so messed up?”

They don’t always say just exactly those words, although sometimes they do, but they say something similar and definitely with the same meaning.

So, why are WE so messed up?

The good news is that it all comes down to two things:

1.)   We don’t know what to do.

2.)   We just don’t do what we know to do.

Nice to know it’s that simple, right?!!

Let’s look at the first, the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.

Why would you know what to do?…who taught you?…where did you learn from?

See, most people have extreme emotional and relational deficits. Unless you went to some very, very non-mainstream school, you never had classes that taught you any of this. And because very few people really learned the art of handling emotions and relationships effectively, then it only makes sense that they would pass their deficits on to their children.

So it’s easy to see and understand the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.

Which brings us to number two: We just don’t do what we know to do.

This is the real kicker and here’s why: There are so many resources today to help people improve their lives. And much of it is absolutely free. Go to YouTube and you will find hours and hours of free, good coaching and education on emotional and relationship management. All free!

Do a Google search and you’ll find websites, blogs and forums that you can participate in and have ongoing conversations to seek out answers to all your challenges.

And if you’re willing to invest a few bucks in yourself, you can invest in books or audio and video programs that will bring the experts right into your home or office.

And if you want to go full out, then you can actually hire a professional coach or counselor to give you the 1:1 guidance you want to improve your life and relationships.

But everyone probably knows all this and they still just don’t do what they know to do.

Why?

It can only be one of a very few things:

1.)   Denial: “I don’t have any issues…really.”

2.)   Minimization: “It’s not that big of a deal.” (Which is a form of denial.)

3.)   Cynicism and blame: “Sure, I’ll change when she changes.”

4.)   Stupidity: “Duh.” (This doesn’t actually exist; some people just pretend that it does.)

So the REAL question is this: How badly do you want to improve your life?

Or maybe this one: How much pain, heartache, misery or depression do you want to endure in your life?

Yes, challenges are definitely part of life, but pain, heartache, misery and depression are all optional.

But it all comes back to you.

YOU have to choose to want a better life.

YOU have to choose to want better relationships.

YOU have to choose to want a better career path.

YOU have to choose to want better health.

YOU have to choose to want a better spiritual connection.

YOU have to choose to want better friends.

YOU have to choose to want a better you.

The really good news is that YOU are in total control of all that.

The next question is: When will you start?

If you want to be a victor, you must release being a victim!

“I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.”  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Marry YourSelf First!…Today!

Can I recover from a marital affair?

How do I deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do I do after infidelity?

Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?

Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.

But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?

Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.

However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.

Answer: ???????

Not such a good answer, right?

There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.

So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.

The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.

If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.

If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.

One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?

Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.

The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.

Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.

The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.

Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!

If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.

In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.

So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!

And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.

Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.

These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.

On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?

The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!

True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”

You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.

Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.

Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.

Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.

How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?

Can you recover from a marital affair?

How do you deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do you do after infidelity?

Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?

Yes…no…maybe.

But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.

Please leave your comments below…

Marry YourSelf First Every Day!

“Why won’t he talk to me?”

Okay guys, you’re about to get slammed…don’t say you weren’t warned!

Guys have been getting a bad rap about their lack of openness in relationships for a long time. Maybe even since the beginning of time! And unfortunately, guys, there is quite a bit of truth and validity to all this.

And sure, you could blame your dad because he wasn’t a good role model, or you could even say you were a victim of the times. After all, big boys don’t laugh, cry, smile or get angry, right?!!

But let’s look at this without getting into the blame game or any kind of victim mentality…okay?

First look at why you might want to be more open. Here’s one huge reason: Because it makes her happy! So how about letting go of, “It doesn’t make any sense to me…” at least for now.

Think of this as a gift…More beautiful than a dozen fresh roses…Sweeter than the richest chocolate…Beyond the most sentimental card.

Not just any gift; it’s the gift of all gifts!

She wants to hear what’s going on in your world. She wants to hear your feelings and your thoughts and your fears and your dreams.

She wants to hear it all.

And then she wants you do to the same. It’s not hard. In fact, it’s actually quite simple. It’s called “Listening 101.”

It’s called the “Listening Thee Step” and it goes like this:

Step One: You give her your undivided attention. No TV. No cell phone. No computer. No nothing. Just you, listening fully to her and completely.

Easy…right?!!

Step Two (which goes along with Step One): No judgment or criticism about what she says. Just listen. Be interested in what’s going on in her world. If you don’t understand something, then ask for more information.

Wow…simple and easy!

Oh, almost forgot…

Step Three: Don’t try to fix her…she’s not broken. Maybe a bit emotional. Maybe a bit upset. Maybe a little scared or worried. Maybe even a little angry. But not broke.

That’s it. Do this daily and you’ll be on your way to creating the most fabulous relationship you could ever imagine.

But let’s get back to where we started. Yes, let’s get back to talking about you talking…talking more.

The essence of a relationship is the connection between two people. What does essence mean? This is the soul or the spirit of the relationship. It’s the core or the foundation. It’s the heart of the relationship.

And if the heart stops beating, or if it’s not taken care of properly, then the heart begins to whither and die.

And so does the relationship.

First there’s fighting and bickering, followed by power-struggles and resentment, and then the distance and avoidance happens, and then, as the relationship begins to gasp for fresh air, it dies a slow death.

Nasty sounding isn’t it!??

And it all can be saved, guys, if you’ll just open up more.

Here’s an easy way to make this a part of your regular routine: Every day pick a time to check in with her. Make it a time when she’s available and you’re available. Just ask how her day was. Then share with her what your day was like.

Yes…it’s that simple!

But there is another side to this, since the question was originally posed from the woman’s perspective.

Women, hear this: You cannot “make him” open up.

In fact, nobody can make anybody open up.

You are the only one who can do anything differently. And although you may not want to admit that, that is the way it is.

It’s always easier to try to get the other person (“him” in this case) to do something differently. And that’s probably because our eyes look outward and they don’t look inward.

It sometimes is very uncomfortable to look inward and ask yourself the really tough questions. Even if “he” is stubborn beyond belief, it’s still up to you to ask yourself what you can do differently in your interactions with him.

People (men, in this case) sometimes feel like they’re being attacked, when they are not. In this case, a different approach would be advised.

If someone responds in a defensive manner, don’t ignore it and don’t fight it, but be curious about it. Inquire about it. See what you can find out about this. And do this all with great compassion.

Here’s the bottom-line: When you change your tactics and you approach someone in a different way, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. There’s a possibility that “he” may respond differently.

So, “Why won’t he talk to me?”  Start by having a different conversation. Both of you (guys…ladies!)! Use some new tactics. What have you got to lose? And, by the way, don’t get into analyzing the “why” question. That’s a waste of time. Better to ask yourself, “How?” How can you communicate differently? How can you respond differently? How can you be proactive differently?

Click here to get the free couples guide Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!

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And Marry YourSelf First Every Day in Every Way!

It is a great opportunity for you to take a deep look inside yourself and really ask yourself, “What is it that I feel insecure or jealous about? What is it about ME that’s causing this?” If you have insecure feelings with somebody else or have jealousy, know that’s just a projection…a projection of something going on deep inside of you.

Yes, it’s so much easier for us to look outwardly and put the focus on another person and try to make it about them. To even look at the other person and say, “They did this that caused me to feel jealous or insecure.”

But that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. If somebody is doing something that is that outlandish, or that’s breaking trust, that is an obvious deal-breaker and you need to think about why you’re in that relationship…period!

But what CAN YOU do about these insecurities and feelings of jealousy? First, it’s good to know that this most likely comes from some place deep inside that is typically connected to an old wound. In fact, it often comes from events that have occurred very early in life.

(Side note: This would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

It’s time to do a thorough examination and inventory of yourself and your history, and ask yourself:
• What were the primary messages that I received about myself?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my self-worth?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my identity?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my looks?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my capabilities?
• What were the primary messages that I received about others?
• What were the primary messages that I received about relationships?

These messages are not always obvious and often they may have been expressed in a more subtle way. Through looks, body language, facial expressions or even silence. So even though you may have been brought up in a really healthy and normal environment, there may have been some other things that you picked up on that were just really subtle messages. And you may have made you own conclusions based on incorrect assumptions or interpretations.

But really ask yourself this one core question: How did I feel about myself when I was growing up. And then also ask yourself:
• What’s my history in past relationships?
• Have I been burned?
• Have I been taken advantage of?
• Have I been cheated on?
• Is there any unresolved energy there that’s starting to rear its ugly head?

Here’s the bottom-line to this whole jealousy and insecurity issue: Things that are unresolved from childhood or past relationships will continually come up until you put them to rest!

If you leave a relationship, the issues will follow you to the next and the next and the next…in fact, you’ll probably even pick the same kind of person because there is so much unresolved energy going on at a subconscious level.

The message to the subconscious mind has to be that the “war” is over, all is now safe, and it’s now time for peace. When there are significant unresolved issues, our mind can get stuck at the subconscious level and play over and over like a broken record. This is particularly true when there has been something really traumatic. And if you don’t know how to “scratch the record” and get it to jump into the present, then it’ll keep playing that at a subconscious level.

Start with these simple exercises:
1. Write an uncensored letter to any and all past partners who you felt had hurt or betrayed you in any way. Write all your feelings and emotions. Write until you can’t write any more. Then have a ceremony and burn the letters. Release the resentment…Release the grudge…Release the hurt.

2. Imagine that you bring “younger you” into the present. What would you want to express to him or her about life…relationships…and him or herself? Think about how you would affirm, acknowledge, support, care for, love and protect that younger part of you. Do this daily and create a “corrective experience.”

So, if you find yourself feeling jealous and insecure, it is a great time for YOU to do some healing and growing…embrace the moment!

(Second side note: Again, this would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

Please Leave a Comment Below for Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First! every day in every way!