Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson on: How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?
Is Your Relationship Living or Dying?
This is a classic question being asked by many wives today. The first thing to do is the obvious: Ask him! And in asking him, have you clarified to him how important it is to you and to the kids?
Here are a few things to be aware of when asking:
• Be aware of “how” you’re asking.
• Are you nagging, whining or complaining? Ask in a positive tone.
• When are you asking? Pick a time when he’s available and not preoccupied.
All of which brings up the next question: Have you and your husband been practicing good communication or have you done what many couples do and just gone on autopilot?
Autopilot is a common relationship dynamic that silently says, “Let’s keep it comfortable, predictable and familiar.” Unfortunately, comfortable, predictable and familiar do not allow for growth and if there’s no growth, the relationship can and will become very stagnant very fast. Sometimes what a relationship needs more than anything else is a shakeup. Something out of the ordinary, like a new way of interacting. Too many couples have become passive and they’ve stopped asking for what they truly want and need, and they’ve stopped making their requests.
In other words, they’ve begun to settle. And here’s a fact about settling: When you settle for less you always get less…never more! For example, couples often settle for setting fewer boundaries, which means they stop making the requests to fulfill their wants and needs, and they stop informing their partner about unacceptable behavior.
And what then happens is as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, there’s a growing separation and distance between the two. And then the wife’s simple issue of “I’d like you to spend more time with the kids,” turns into a resentment filled and fueled power-struggle.
This may sound like an evasion of the original question, but there are bigger issues and dynamics here. These issues don’t grow overnight; they usually have been festering for months, years and at times, even decades.
So the key is really about having healthy assertive communication. One of the greatest gifts one partner can give to another in a relationship is healthy communication. This is particularly relevant when it comes to conflict resolution. Oftentimes conflict resolution simply means to ask the more difficult and sometimes emotionally charged questions.
This issue of the husband spending more time with the family may be one of those situations where there may be a tendency to skate around the issue because it might feel uncomfortable. Like, “I don’t feel like asking him because he might get irritated,” or “I might sound like I’m nagging.”
However, the goal here is simple: Ask and make the request anyway. You must often just take the action that’s uncomfortable or awkward. And yes, it may even stir the pot and create a little conflict, but if you don’t confront and deal with conflict, the relationship will, by default, go on autopilot, and relationships die in autopilot mode!
Die?!! Yes…here’s why: Everything in life is either living or dying. Which means your life is either growing and expanding or shriveling and dying.
And if you’re not addressing issues straight-up and confronting dynamics that are unacceptable, then the relationship is starting to die.
So, how can you get your husband to spend more time with the family? It starts with you communicating effectively and assertively. If you’re not there or can’t seem to get there, or if there has been a continual cycle of breakdowns after you’ve tried over and over again, then it’s time to hire a professional.
It’s amazing what a couple of counseling sessions with a good relationship counselor can do! Have a few sessions with someone who can actively teach you how to effectively communicate with each other.
Do all this and the question of “How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?” answers itself.
Leave a comment below…
Marry YourSelf First! for the Best Relationships
Ken Donaldson, Independence Day Movie and Marry YourSelf First
The Independence Day Movie…just for YOU!!
Independence Day
Sometimes I’m happy…..sometimes so sad
And times of bliss and sometimes just damn mad
I jump for joy….I’m wretched in pain
I have ecstatic moments and times of shame
I’m courageous at times and at times, I fear
I feel so sure….and doubt seems so near
An elated tear and a tear of grief
Confidence abounds, yet fear finds no relief
This is the package of this here life
From the pinnacle of joy to the valley of strife
It all adds color, but sometimes it’s black
Yet rainbows burst forth…emotions never lack
This roller coaster we can simply embrace
Not one single feeling must we ever disgrace
These are expressions form the depths of our Soul
It’s the Yin and the Yang of what makes us whole
So today I do say, “Know what you feel!!”
And embrace every feeling…you see, it’s part of the deal
Our feelings do tell us one thing for sure
We’re alive, yes alive, with emotion so pure
So on this fine day of Independence we say
Embrace yourself wholly as you sing, walk and pray
Realize the freedom you have to express
Now express every feeling and then get some rest!
Yes, express your emotions, and deny not a one
Be Independent like the moon, stars, earth and sun…
~ By Ken Donaldson…and made for you and your loved ones!
P.S. Today is a good day to Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson: D.W. Waters Graduating Class and I Dare You…Too!
Ken Donaldson Keynote at D.W. Waters Graduation
I had the privilege and honor on this past Thursday evening of delivering the graduation keynote for the D.W. Waters class of 2010.
Just to give you a little insight, D.W. Waters’ motto is “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish that counts!”
No big deal, right?
Wrong!
This is a WAY special class…check out their enrollment criteria:
• At least 16 years of age
• At least one year behind in school
• No record of severe discipline problems
• Wants to focus on a chosen Career Cluster at DWWCC (D. W. Waters Career Center)
• Willing to commit to workplace training (OJT)
These are the students who make “high risk” look like every day living. For whatever reason (pregnancy, emotional and/or learning challenges, abuse, etc.), these courageous young people chose to continue on.
Most of them were so far behind that they couldn’t even imagine catching up, much less graduating.
And it would have been easier to quit!
A group of about 12 students sang the musical selection for the ceremony, I Believe I Can Fly. A perfect song for the students, the school and the event.
Here are the lyrics in case you’re not familiar with song:
“I Believe I Can Fly”
~R. KELLY
I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I’m leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Hey, cause I believe in me, oh
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly
I can fly
I can fly, hey
If I just spread my wings
I can fly
Fly-eye-eye
Anyway, I thought long and hard about what to say to them.
So I decided to dare them…yes, I simply dared them…
I dared them to find and be the greatness that they truly are.
I dared them to find their unique purpose and live it every day in every way.
I dared them to find their own personal soul food and to continually, without fail, feed their spirit.
I dare them to figure out, set and maintain the boundaries that will empower them, to say a resounding “Yes” to all they do want, need and desire, and say a resonant “No” to all they will not tolerate.
I dared them to realize that the world needs them today more than ever, and the answers to the world’s problems will not come from Washington or Hollywood, but rather, from each and every one of them.
I dared them to surround themselves with the people who love them, accept them and encourage them, and to step away from those who don’t.
I dared them to tell themselves, time and time again, that they are deserving, gifted and of great value, and to say that to themselves as their powerful and affirming mantra.
I dared them to realize that life is full of unexpected challenges (I mentioned this as a very young child in the audience began to express herself in a very assertive way!) and one of the greatest gifts we can all give to ourselves is the gift of humor, which allows us to be flexible and fluid as we navigate down the river of life.
I dared them to remind that person in the mirror of their greatness, their importance, their value and their purpose, time and time and time again.
Yes, I simply dared them to be great.
Them, their parents, their friends, the teachers, and everyone else who was there on Thursday…I dared them all.
But the greatest dare I addressed was the dare to myself…to live what I said; to practice what I preached; to be the model of the dare.
What about you…have you dared yourself lately?
I dare you…
PS I hope to have a video of the whole presentation soon…I think it’ll worth watching…stay tuned!
Ken at D.W. Waters with another Marry YourSelf First fan!
Marry YourSelf First!
Feel free to leave a comment or two…
Ken Donaldson Introduces W. Clement Stone: BE GENEROUS!
Be generous! Give to those whom you love; give to those who love you; give to the fortunate; give to the unfortunate; yes—give especially to those to whom you don’t want to give.
Your most precious, valued possessions and your greatest powers are invisible and intangible. No one can take them. You, and you alone, can give them. You will receive abundance for your giving. The more you give—the more you will have!
Give a smile to everyone you meet (smile with your eyes)—and you’ll smile and receive smiles.
Give a kind word (with a kindly thought behind the word)—you will be kind and receive kind words.
Give honor, credit and applause (the victor’s wreath)—you will be honorable and receive credit and applause.
Give time for a worthy cause (with eagerness)—you will be worthy and richly rewarded.
Give hope (the magic ingredient for success)—you will have hope and be made hopeful.
Give happiness (a most treasured state of mind)—you will be happy and be made happy.
Give encouragement (the incentive to action)—you will have courage and be encouraged.
Give cheer (the verbal sunshine)—you’ll be cheerful and cheered.
Give a pleasant response (the neutralizer of irritants)—you will be pleasant and receive pleasant responses.
Give good thoughts (nature’s character builder)—you will be good and the world will have good thoughts for you.
Give prayers (the instrument of miracles) for the godless and the godly—you will be reverent and receive blessings, more than you deserve!
Be generous! Give!
~W. Clement Stone
Marry YourSelf First Every Day in Every Way!
Ken Donaldson: Do You Have A Power Mantra?
Do you have a Power Mantra?
Better yet, as you may be asking,
what IS a Power Mantra?
Think: An affirmation on steroids!
Several of you who’ve attended my
workshops asked about mine,
so here it is in its entirety:
Every moment of every day,
I get better and better in every way…
A better body, a better mind;
a better Spirit in all that I find…
Better friends and better work,
and at core:
I find better self-worth!
Every moment of every day,
I get richer and richer in every way…
A richer body, a richer mind;
a richer Spirit in all I do find…
Richness in my friends and richness at work,
and again at the core:
I find the richest self-worth!
Every moment of every day,
I get stronger and stronger in every way…
A stronger body, a stronger mind,
a stronger Spirit in all that I find…
The strongest friends and strength at my work,
and deep in my core:
I find my strongest self-worth!
Every moment of every day,
I get wiser and wiser in every way…
A wiser body, a wiser mind;
a wiser Spirit in all I do find…
Wiser friends and wisdom at my work,
and deep down in my core:
I find the wisest self-worth!
Now, go create one for yourself!!
And Marry YourSelf First Every Day!
And leave a comment below…
Marry YourSelf First! Audio
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