Staying faithful a task for some: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com

Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp

My friends at Fox and I chatted a bit about Maria and Arnold a while back…but we really got into some deeper issues and dynamics…unfortunately we ran out of time.

Affairs, infidelity and betrayal are always big tough issues to work through.

Getting beyond betrayal, healing infidelity and moving past the hurt, pain and trauma of an affair is very challenging and can be overwhelming.

In other words, making a change of that magnitude is very difficult AND very uncommon.

The last question raised was on the show was: “Getting back to the whole trust thing; would somebody in that situation, let’s say Maria,  ever trust anybody to that same level?”

My response was that Maria could actually trust more.

What?!! How could that possibly be true?

For a moment, forget about this being specifically about Maria.

After all, she does deserve some privacy, right?

AND this is a much bigger issue with HUGE underlying dynamics.

As odd as it sounds, you would think somebody that’s been wounded at this level would never allow herself to be hurt again.

Which would be a great choice…but HOW she does it is really the key.

The big question is more about working through the “woundedness.”

Quick fix?

No…not at all. In fact, it will most likely take a lot of time, effort and energy. Most likely some intense therapy, a tremendous amount of honest self-reflection and some major reworking of the inner values and outer boundaries.

Change at this level requires a mammoth commitment.

And most people, unfortunately, will NOT put the necessary time and energy into the healing and growth process. Actually most people probably don’t even know that they can heal and grow past the pain.

Instead, they walk around hurt, wounded and unhealed and, as a result, make even poorer decisions in their future.

Do you think you can really make a good decision if your mind is clouded and influenced by the hurt, anger and resentment of past wounds?

The real question for anyone in this situation is: Do you WANT to heal, grow and expand?

Most everyone responds with a resounding “Yes!”

But why, then, do most people not follow through?

The same reason people overeat when they know it’s unhealthy, overspend when they know they don’t have the money and get into relationships they know are not good for them.

Why do people do all this!!?

Brain confusion…yes, their brain gets confused with too many different messages and usually does not pick the most logical (and usually healthiest) path.

Why does the brain get confused? Because you actually have three brains all trying to deliver varying messages to you.

Which message do most people listen to?

Usually the one with the biggest emotional charge.

Are emotions rational and logical (or healthy)?

NO!…Not usually.

The three brains:

• The Inner Brain: The most primitive and activates your fight or flight mechanism. Also, the basic survival drives for food, water and procreation. Basic emotions of fight or flight, freeze or hide and live or die.
• The Middle Brain: More advanced but still without reason… the basic “love and loyalty” drives originate here.
• The Outer Brain: The most advanced (only humans and apes have this) and where logic, conscious thinking and reasoning come from. Also, this where our “ethical thinking” comes from, meaning unique values, rules and guidelines for living.

SO…for example: The Inner Brain is obsessed with pure lust. The Middle Brain is driven by love and devotion. The Outer Brain is infatuated with an amazing romantic experience.

A pretty woman or handsome guy comes along and the Inner Brain screams out for sex, the Middle Brain falls in love and the Outer Brain tries to figure out how to make it all happen ethically.

See the conflicts? And ALL the different and even contradictory messages?

And too often the Inner Brain wins….the primal survival instincts.

Another example: You are offered the Super Duper Size order of French fries. Your Outer Brain says, “No, those are bad for you.” Your Middle Brain doesn’t really care one way or the other although it does recall a time when you shared French fries with a past romantic interest. And your Inner Brain screams, “Get all you can as this could be the last meal you ever have and more fat with help protect you!”

The Inner Brain often wins again.

See and hear the problem?

Add to that the many complexities of memory, conditioning and all the other known and unknown variables of the brain and you can quickly surmise why people have some of the issues that they do.

AND why people don’t change for their own good.

When you bring this all back to Maria (and all those others who have had similar experiences) you can see that she could work through all this and actually be even more conscious, more aware and more loving….AND even more trusting.

Will she? Who knows? That’s totally up to her.

And bringing it back to you: Is there anything you’re still reacting to from your past that is getting in the way of your future?

Perhaps now is the time to clear it.

Is it easy? No. It probably will require a great deal of effort, energy and commitment…and a lot of going out of your comfort zone…a whole lot!

Are you worth it?

Yes….

Time to ChangeUp…it works when you work it.

More from Ken Donaldson…

Today: Marry YourSelf First!

Anger…What Is It, Where Does It Come From and Why Is It So Tough To Mange?

If you were going to answer these questions, where would you go?

Online?

Google?

Wikipedia?

If so, then you’ll appreciate this.

If not, then you’ll appreciate this even more.

Our friends at Wikipedia pulled together the following to describe anger:

• Anger is an emotion related to one’s perception of having been offended or wronged and a tendency to undo that wrongdoing by retaliation…a normal emotion that involves a strong uncomfortable and emotional response to a perceived provocation.
• Anger may have physical correlates such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline (a neurotransmitter).
• Some view anger as part of the fight or flight brain response to the perceived threat of harm.
• Anger becomes the predominant feeling behaviorally, cognitively, and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behavior of another outside force.
• Anger can have many physical and mental consequences.
• The external expression of anger can be found in facial expressions, body language, physiological responses, and, at times, in public acts of aggression.
• Humans and animals make loud sounds, attempt to look physically larger, bare their teeth, and stare.
• The behaviors associated with anger are designed to warn aggressors to stop their threatening behavior.
• Rarely does a physical altercation occur without the prior expression of anger by at least one of the participants.
• While most of those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of “what has happened to them,” psychologists point out that an angry person can be very well mistaken because anger causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability (in other words, they don’t know what’s going on inside them and, instead, blame an outer stimulus, which is usually another person or set of circumstances).
• Modern psychologists view anger as a primary, natural, and mature emotion experienced by all humans at times, and as something that has functional value for survival.
• Anger can mobilize psychological resources for corrective action.
• Uncontrolled anger can negatively affect personal or social well-being.
• While many philosophers and writers have warned against the spontaneous and uncontrolled fits of anger, there has been disagreement over the intrinsic value of anger.
• Dealing with anger has been addressed in the writings of the earliest philosophers up to modern times.
• Modern psychologists, in contrast to the earlier writers, have pointed out the possible harmful effects of suppression of anger.
• Displays of anger can be used as a manipulation strategy for social influence.

 Well…what do YOU think?

Agree with all this? Some of it? Disagree?

The bottom line is that anger is a very powerful emotion which, when managed properly, can produce very significant results.

However, when mismanaged, it can be equally, or even more, damaging.

Unfortunately, too many times anger is mismanaged and misunderstood.

The end result is that most people most of time do NOT deal with anger appropriately.

Most people most of the time either over-react (the reactors) or under-react (the avoiders).

The reactors simply allow anger to control them, rather than them managing the anger.

(You ALWAYS have a choice and by NOT choosing you’re allowing the anger to be in charge.)

The reactors allow their “buttons to be pushed” by outer influences with no intervention. They, with realizing it most of the time, allow themselves to be “victimized” by outer sources.

The result is that the anger controls their thinking and their actions, which can be expressed as anything from sarcasm to violence, and everything in-between.

The avoiders, likewise, also allow themselves to be controlled by outer influences.

But when their buttons are pressed, instead of going towards a more explosive direction, they run.

The avoiders always see anger as dangerous and they do everything they can to both avoid anger and try to control anger in their environments.

In either case, the anger never gets truly addressed and is, instead, only reacted to.

SO…how about if you just tell yourself (and, of course, believe it!), “Anger is okay.”

Yes, like its normal, healthy and just another one of the many emotions.

And what if you then acted accordingly?

And what if you actually learned to manage anger (which isn’t really all that difficult…really!)?

One of the keys is to NOT try to manage other’s anger, only your response to it.

And what if you were able to tell ‘Younger You” that anger was okay and normal and healthy…how would that change the way you deal with it?

And Marry YourSelf First!

Read more from Ken Donaldson…

Sad, mad, scared, ashamed…who wants to be the first to talk about these feelings?

No hands went up and there were no volunteers…how come?

Is it because the idea of you actually controlling emotions seems too challenging?

Or perhaps you were brought up in an “emotionally detached” environment and emotional expression just feels too weird or uncomfortable.

But when the question is asked “how to control your emotions” every few people seem to have answers.

In fact, most people run when they hear questions about emotions or the mere conversation about emotions.

That is, of course, unless these same people are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, then for some strange reason they often get instantaneously comfortable, confident and courageous about expressing themselves and their emotions.

But that doesn’t really count, does it?

In fact, that may be one BIG reason why there is a huge drug and alcohol problem: People can only deal with their emotions while under the influence.

Sad, isn’t it?!!

Look at the following list of emotions and see what you feel when you read them:

• Joy    
• Sadness
• Trust
• Disgust
• Fear  
• Anger
• Surprise      
• Anticipation

Which feel the most comfortable?

And which feel the least comfortable?

Any idea why?

Most people are more at ease with “joy” or it’s close relative “happiness” than most of the others…why?

Some people aren’t even comfortable with these lighter and happier emotions.

When asking “why” it seems to be so challenging to express emotions, here are some things to consider:

1.) We are not typically taught much of anything about emotions. We have no classes and very little, if any, curriculum in mainstream education about emotions and the expression thereof. Therefore, we are all, by default, rather emotionally dumb.

2.) Many people are brought up in environments which had excessive emotions in one direction or another and because of this, these people often associate emotions as being dangerous, inappropriate or as an “out of control” experience. Therefore, there is conditioned response, much like a reflex, to avoid the emotions.

3.) Much of what is portrayed about emotions through various media outlets (TV, movies, books, etc.) is extremely distorted…Do you really want to have “The Simpsons” as your emotional role model? This adds to both the conditioned emotional avoidance response and low emotional intelligence.

The end result is that most people have very little, if any, solid foundation to explore or express emotions.

You could say that we’ve become rather emotionally ignorant.

So here’s the next question: How can you create better emotional health, more emotional connection and healthy resources to better control your emotions?

Here’s the simple answer: Make all your emotions okay.

Easier said than done, right?

Start by making a new rule: All your emotions are okay…no good ones and no bad ones, they are just all okay.

After all, (now get ready to hear this!!) they are ONLY emotions.

That’s right…ONLY emotions.

They don’t really mean anything.

BUT, people often attach a HUGE meaning to them and that’s what makes them so challenging.

When you get to the place where you can simply observe emotions, whether they are yours or others, you’ll find that without the meaning attached (which is usually a negative distortion), the emotion itself has very little charge to it.

AND ponder this: If you could, by some kind of act of modern science, bring “Younger You” into the present, what would you say to Younger You about all those emotions?

Probably that all emotions are all okay, normal and healthy, and that emotional expression is especially okay…right?!!

Then perhaps you could practice just that: Imagine having one of these imaginary conversations with Younger You…a “corrective conversation” that would give Younger You permission to have and express any and all emotions.

And the value of this? Your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference (in most cases) between what’s real and what’s imagined. Therefore when you use your imagination to your benefit (like in this simple practice) you actually leave a new, and positive, impression in the subconscious.

It’s like planting new seeds in your garden and these are the seeds of how you want things to be.

Take good care of these new seeds (“water the seeds” frequently) by spending a couple minutes each day with these new imagery exercises.

You’ll begin to change your reactions from the inside-out.

Work with all types of emotions, include them all, and make sure you include the love emotions…many people received many mixed messages here.

Improve your emotional intelligence and you’ll find all areas of your life improving.

And Marry YourSelf First!

Read more from Ken Donaldson…

How do I rebuild trust after betrayal?

Can I recover from a marital affair?

How do I deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do I do after infidelity?

Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?

Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.

But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?

Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.

However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.

Answer: ???????

Not such a good answer, right?

There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.

So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.

The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.

If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.

If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.

One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?

Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.

The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.

Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.

The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.

Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!

If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.

In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.

So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!

And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.

Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.

These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.

On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?

The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!

True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”

You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.

Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.

Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.

Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.

How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?

Can you recover from a marital affair?

How do you deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do you do after infidelity?

Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?

Yes…no…maybe.

But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.

Please leave your comments below…

Marry YourSelf First Every Day!

This is a dynamic that is, unfortunately, very commonplace in relationships today. Always know that if you’re feeling jealousy or have insecurities, it’s on you to resolve it. In other words, it’s YOUR issue!

It is a great opportunity for you to take a deep look inside yourself and really ask yourself, “What is it that I feel insecure or jealous about? What is it about ME that’s causing this?” If you have insecure feelings with somebody else or have jealousy, know that’s just a projection…a projection of something going on deep inside of you.

Yes, it’s so much easier for us to look outwardly and put the focus on another person and try to make it about them. To even look at the other person and say, “They did this that caused me to feel jealous or insecure.”

But that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. If somebody is doing something that is that outlandish, or that’s breaking trust, that is an obvious deal-breaker and you need to think about why you’re in that relationship…period!

But what CAN YOU do about these insecurities and feelings of jealousy? First, it’s good to know that this most likely comes from some place deep inside that is typically connected to an old wound. In fact, it often comes from events that have occurred very early in life.

(Side note: This would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

It’s time to do a thorough examination and inventory of yourself and your history, and ask yourself:
• What were the primary messages that I received about myself?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my self-worth?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my identity?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my looks?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my capabilities?
• What were the primary messages that I received about others?
• What were the primary messages that I received about relationships?

These messages are not always obvious and often they may have been expressed in a more subtle way. Through looks, body language, facial expressions or even silence. So even though you may have been brought up in a really healthy and normal environment, there may have been some other things that you picked up on that were just really subtle messages. And you may have made you own conclusions based on incorrect assumptions or interpretations.

But really ask yourself this one core question: How did I feel about myself when I was growing up. And then also ask yourself:
• What’s my history in past relationships?
• Have I been burned?
• Have I been taken advantage of?
• Have I been cheated on?
• Is there any unresolved energy there that’s starting to rear its ugly head?

Here’s the bottom-line to this whole jealousy and insecurity issue: Things that are unresolved from childhood or past relationships will continually come up until you put them to rest!

If you leave a relationship, the issues will follow you to the next and the next and the next…in fact, you’ll probably even pick the same kind of person because there is so much unresolved energy going on at a subconscious level.

The message to the subconscious mind has to be that the “war” is over, all is now safe, and it’s now time for peace. When there are significant unresolved issues, our mind can get stuck at the subconscious level and play over and over like a broken record. This is particularly true when there has been something really traumatic. And if you don’t know how to “scratch the record” and get it to jump into the present, then it’ll keep playing that at a subconscious level.

Start with these simple exercises:
1. Write an uncensored letter to any and all past partners who you felt had hurt or betrayed you in any way. Write all your feelings and emotions. Write until you can’t write any more. Then have a ceremony and burn the letters. Release the resentment…Release the grudge…Release the hurt.

2. Imagine that you bring “younger you” into the present. What would you want to express to him or her about life…relationships…and him or herself? Think about how you would affirm, acknowledge, support, care for, love and protect that younger part of you. Do this daily and create a “corrective experience.”

So, if you find yourself feeling jealous and insecure, it is a great time for YOU to do some healing and growing…embrace the moment!

(Second side note: Again, this would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

Please Leave a Comment Below for Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First! every day in every way!