How do I rebuild trust after betrayal?

Can I recover from a marital affair?

How do I deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do I do after infidelity?

Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?

Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.

But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?

Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.

However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.

Answer: ???????

Not such a good answer, right?

There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.

So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.

The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.

If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.

If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.

One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?

Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.

The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.

Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.

The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.

Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!

If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.

In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.

So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!

And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.

Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.

These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.

On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?

The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!

True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”

You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.

Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.

Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.

Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.

How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?

Can you recover from a marital affair?

How do you deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do you do after infidelity?

Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?

Yes…no…maybe.

But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.

Please leave your comments below…

Marry YourSelf First Every Day!

This is a dynamic that is, unfortunately, very commonplace in relationships today. Always know that if you’re feeling jealousy or have insecurities, it’s on you to resolve it. In other words, it’s YOUR issue!

It is a great opportunity for you to take a deep look inside yourself and really ask yourself, “What is it that I feel insecure or jealous about? What is it about ME that’s causing this?” If you have insecure feelings with somebody else or have jealousy, know that’s just a projection…a projection of something going on deep inside of you.

Yes, it’s so much easier for us to look outwardly and put the focus on another person and try to make it about them. To even look at the other person and say, “They did this that caused me to feel jealous or insecure.”

But that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. If somebody is doing something that is that outlandish, or that’s breaking trust, that is an obvious deal-breaker and you need to think about why you’re in that relationship…period!

But what CAN YOU do about these insecurities and feelings of jealousy? First, it’s good to know that this most likely comes from some place deep inside that is typically connected to an old wound. In fact, it often comes from events that have occurred very early in life.

(Side note: This would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

It’s time to do a thorough examination and inventory of yourself and your history, and ask yourself:
• What were the primary messages that I received about myself?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my self-worth?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my identity?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my looks?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my capabilities?
• What were the primary messages that I received about others?
• What were the primary messages that I received about relationships?

These messages are not always obvious and often they may have been expressed in a more subtle way. Through looks, body language, facial expressions or even silence. So even though you may have been brought up in a really healthy and normal environment, there may have been some other things that you picked up on that were just really subtle messages. And you may have made you own conclusions based on incorrect assumptions or interpretations.

But really ask yourself this one core question: How did I feel about myself when I was growing up. And then also ask yourself:
• What’s my history in past relationships?
• Have I been burned?
• Have I been taken advantage of?
• Have I been cheated on?
• Is there any unresolved energy there that’s starting to rear its ugly head?

Here’s the bottom-line to this whole jealousy and insecurity issue: Things that are unresolved from childhood or past relationships will continually come up until you put them to rest!

If you leave a relationship, the issues will follow you to the next and the next and the next…in fact, you’ll probably even pick the same kind of person because there is so much unresolved energy going on at a subconscious level.

The message to the subconscious mind has to be that the “war” is over, all is now safe, and it’s now time for peace. When there are significant unresolved issues, our mind can get stuck at the subconscious level and play over and over like a broken record. This is particularly true when there has been something really traumatic. And if you don’t know how to “scratch the record” and get it to jump into the present, then it’ll keep playing that at a subconscious level.

Start with these simple exercises:
1. Write an uncensored letter to any and all past partners who you felt had hurt or betrayed you in any way. Write all your feelings and emotions. Write until you can’t write any more. Then have a ceremony and burn the letters. Release the resentment…Release the grudge…Release the hurt.

2. Imagine that you bring “younger you” into the present. What would you want to express to him or her about life…relationships…and him or herself? Think about how you would affirm, acknowledge, support, care for, love and protect that younger part of you. Do this daily and create a “corrective experience.”

So, if you find yourself feeling jealous and insecure, it is a great time for YOU to do some healing and growing…embrace the moment!

(Second side note: Again, this would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

Please Leave a Comment Below for Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First! every day in every way!

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

Would you ever deliberately disrupt your balance in life? Turn away love? Destroy success? No, of course not! So, why then, do people seem to engage in self-sabotaging behavior so frequently?

Why is it that someone would choose to do something they know, based on past experience, would NOT have a good outcome. In fact, why would someone choose to do something they know would have a negative outcome?

Are they insane?

No…of course not!

They just can’t see what they can’t see.

In other words, people don’t truly see the cause, or the roots, of “self-sabotaging” behavior.

It’s hidden…buried…deep beneath the surface.

Much like the, yes, roots of a tree: You can’t see them, but you know they exist because that’s what feeds the tree.

You too have roots that are buried that you may not be seeing fully.

SO…if there are certain behaviors that keep appearing in your life, disrupting your work life balance (and perhaps everything else!), it’s time for you to take a deeper look.

Start here with a very simple, but powerful, self-inventory:

1.) Review your childhood. What messages did you receive, directly or indirectly, from your primary caretakers (parents, teachers, church, sitters, etc.)?

2.) Were there events that occurred early in your life that may have dramatically influenced how you felt about yourself, felt about others and/or felt about life in general?

3.) Have there been recurring patterns of self-destructive or self-limiting behaviors in your life?

Add all this together and what you’ll probably see are some patterns…these are the influences that could very well be occurring beneath the surface in the subconscious part of your mind.

And the subconscious, much like the roots of a tree, is buried beneath the surface.

You can’t see it, but you can see the results: Self–sabotaging behaviors.

There are only a few basic beliefs that get formed in the subconscious that are problematic. Here they are:

1.) “I’m afraid of failing so I either try to be perfect or I don’t try at all.”

2.) “I’m afraid of rejection so I either do everything to keep people close to me (including rejecting my own values and boundaries) or I just settle for second-class relationships because I know they won’t leave me.”

3.) “I’m afraid of change so I do everything to maintain “status quo” including avoiding opportunities to advance myself because that would require change. I try to stay as invisible as possible.”

4.) “I’m afraid of success because I think I either can’t handle it or I’ll mess it up, so I do everything I can to avoid success, including “self-sabotaging” behavior.”

Do you see yourself anywhere in there?

If so, here’s what you do, plain and simple, if you have any of this funky stuff going on in your “roots”: Do the opposite! That’s right, just do the opposite!

Fear of failing? Go make many, many mistakes…celebrate mistakes!

Fear of rejection? Go let yourself be rejected over and over…celebrate your efforts!

Fear of change? Go try as may new and different things as you can…celebrate your willingness!

Fear of success? Go and do all those things you’ve wanted to do, planned to do or thought about doing. Do them over and over and do NOT allow yourself to quit. Surround yourself with a support system that will cheer you on and never let you quit…celebrate your success!

Break the spell…break the old trance…create new roots.

That’s how it’s done!

Have YOU been your own worst enemy in the past?

Are you ready to start new patterns in your life? For the rest of your life?

Want more love? More success? More happiness? More health? More balance in your life?

Then break the spells that have been operating beneath the surface…make new roots for your tree of life!

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~Winston Churchill

And, of course, Marry YourSelf First!

And Leave  Comment Or Two Below!

Relationship Counseling Tip: Always choose to be curious and fascinated by your partner instead of frustrated or angry!

“Here is something else I’ve learned. To be fascinated instead of frustrated. It is just a little trick to play. The next time you’re tempted to be frustrated, see if you can’t turn it into fascination. Instead of a frown, it puts a smile on your face. Now sometimes you look a little weird, but so be it.” ~ Jim Rohn

Your lover did it AGAIN! That same thing you’ve asked, begged, nagged and pleaded with them NOT to do and they did it anyway.

What do you do now? The typical reaction is to get mad, angry and frustrated. After all, you are right and entitled, correct? Yes…and no!

There is a bigger question to be asked: What do you want? Want peace and love? Connection and affection? Happiness and harmony?

If so, then it’s up to you to respond differently.

Think of yourself as Sherlock Holmes and you’re uncovering a case. Get curious about what’s going on. Get fascinated by your lover’s response (or lack thereof).

Now you might be asking, “Why?” and that’s a fair question. So let me ask you a question: What happens if you throw gas on a burning fire? It makes it blow up, right?
Same thing here. Your mission is to build rapport, not blow things up.

It may sound and feel counter-intuitive because chances are it’s much different than what you’ve been accustomed to, and different than the “norms.”

But many times the “norms” are the relationships that are stagnant, failing and dysfunctional, and you want a successful, growing and thriving relationship, right?

It’s “easy” to do what you’ve been doing and what everyone else seems to be doing. As easy as getting pulled down by gravity. It’s tougher and more challenging to blaze a trail for your relationship to travel. Take the more challenging path and just commit yourself to be more fascinated and curious about your lover.

In doing so, you’re likely to discover some new, and very interesting, things about your lover. React in the way that you’ve reacted in the past and you’re bound to discover nothing new and repeat the same old dysfunctional patterns.

If you want new results, you have to put in new action and new behaviors. Do this and you’re more likely to have your lover join you as well.

“Be curious, not judgmental.” ~ Walt Whitman

Leave a comment below…

And Marry YourSelf First! Every Day in Every Way!

Wu-Wei: This old martial arts principle from the East is described as “yielding to an oncoming force in such a way as to render it harmless and at the same time, change its direction by pushing it from behind instead of resisting it from the front.”

Or, Verbal Kung-Fu!

Western translation: Better communication = Be assertive!

When there is a conflict between two or more people, conditioned response is to cope by fight or flight.

Flight responses are passive and range from giving into an unreasonable request from your mother, accepting a role established by your mate, lying and making up an excuse when your friend wants to borrow your car, to complete withdrawal, hiding from any contact with potential adversaries.

Fight responses are aggressive and range from lightly veiled sarcasm directed toward your mate, childish yelling at the repairman who is an hour late getting to your house, to actual physical violence.

Both responses result in unpleasant emotions of fear and anger, usually failing as an effective method of coping with problems.

So from childhood we learn to deal with our problems indirectly, and often dishonestly. We repress our real feelings at the expense of our self-respect and often our physical well-being.

Assertion is commonly mistaken for aggression, but understand that to be assertive means that you are standing up for your basic human rights. Aggression is a matter of forcefully violating the rights of another, and there is no excuse for such behavior.

An important part of assertiveness is showing consideration for the feelings and rights of others, without letting your kindness or empathy be used as an opening for manipulation.

13 Best practices of assertiveness tactics (Wu-Wei):

1. It’s best to describe other’s behaviors, rather than analyze other’s motivation.

2. It’s best to focus on other’s feelings rather than on other’s attributes.

3. It’s best to keep the conversation on specific issues rather than making general complaints.

4. It’s best to focus on the “here and now” (the present) rather than the “there and then” (the past or the future).

5. It’s best to keep the conversation directed toward changeable behavior and avoid comments toward unchangeable behavior.

6. It’s best to be accepting of other person’s response instead of rejecting or arguing with the other person’s response.

7. It’s best to be active, not passive.

8. It’s best to be open and direct with clear meaning, not hidden with meaning unclear.

9. It’s best to talk “with” others, not “at” others.

10. It’s best to strive for two-way communication, not one-way or one-sided communication.

11. It’s best to stick with one issue instead of trying to deal with many issues at the same time.

12. It’s best to seek to understand first, then to be understood.

13. It’s best to be happy and connected rather than “right” and disconnected.

And It’s Always Best to Marry YourSelf First!