“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

Would you ever deliberately disrupt your balance in life? Turn away love? Destroy success? No, of course not! So, why then, do people seem to engage in self-sabotaging behavior so frequently?

Why is it that someone would choose to do something they know, based on past experience, would NOT have a good outcome. In fact, why would someone choose to do something they know would have a negative outcome?

Are they insane?

No…of course not!

They just can’t see what they can’t see.

In other words, people don’t truly see the cause, or the roots, of “self-sabotaging” behavior.

It’s hidden…buried…deep beneath the surface.

Much like the, yes, roots of a tree: You can’t see them, but you know they exist because that’s what feeds the tree.

You too have roots that are buried that you may not be seeing fully.

SO…if there are certain behaviors that keep appearing in your life, disrupting your work life balance (and perhaps everything else!), it’s time for you to take a deeper look.

Start here with a very simple, but powerful, self-inventory:

1.) Review your childhood. What messages did you receive, directly or indirectly, from your primary caretakers (parents, teachers, church, sitters, etc.)?

2.) Were there events that occurred early in your life that may have dramatically influenced how you felt about yourself, felt about others and/or felt about life in general?

3.) Have there been recurring patterns of self-destructive or self-limiting behaviors in your life?

Add all this together and what you’ll probably see are some patterns…these are the influences that could very well be occurring beneath the surface in the subconscious part of your mind.

And the subconscious, much like the roots of a tree, is buried beneath the surface.

You can’t see it, but you can see the results: Self–sabotaging behaviors.

There are only a few basic beliefs that get formed in the subconscious that are problematic. Here they are:

1.) “I’m afraid of failing so I either try to be perfect or I don’t try at all.”

2.) “I’m afraid of rejection so I either do everything to keep people close to me (including rejecting my own values and boundaries) or I just settle for second-class relationships because I know they won’t leave me.”

3.) “I’m afraid of change so I do everything to maintain “status quo” including avoiding opportunities to advance myself because that would require change. I try to stay as invisible as possible.”

4.) “I’m afraid of success because I think I either can’t handle it or I’ll mess it up, so I do everything I can to avoid success, including “self-sabotaging” behavior.”

Do you see yourself anywhere in there?

If so, here’s what you do, plain and simple, if you have any of this funky stuff going on in your “roots”: Do the opposite! That’s right, just do the opposite!

Fear of failing? Go make many, many mistakes…celebrate mistakes!

Fear of rejection? Go let yourself be rejected over and over…celebrate your efforts!

Fear of change? Go try as may new and different things as you can…celebrate your willingness!

Fear of success? Go and do all those things you’ve wanted to do, planned to do or thought about doing. Do them over and over and do NOT allow yourself to quit. Surround yourself with a support system that will cheer you on and never let you quit…celebrate your success!

Break the spell…break the old trance…create new roots.

That’s how it’s done!

Have YOU been your own worst enemy in the past?

Are you ready to start new patterns in your life? For the rest of your life?

Want more love? More success? More happiness? More health? More balance in your life?

Then break the spells that have been operating beneath the surface…make new roots for your tree of life!

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~Winston Churchill

And, of course, Marry YourSelf First!

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Relationship Counseling Tip: Always choose to be curious and fascinated by your partner instead of frustrated or angry!

“Here is something else I’ve learned. To be fascinated instead of frustrated. It is just a little trick to play. The next time you’re tempted to be frustrated, see if you can’t turn it into fascination. Instead of a frown, it puts a smile on your face. Now sometimes you look a little weird, but so be it.” ~ Jim Rohn

Your lover did it AGAIN! That same thing you’ve asked, begged, nagged and pleaded with them NOT to do and they did it anyway.

What do you do now? The typical reaction is to get mad, angry and frustrated. After all, you are right and entitled, correct? Yes…and no!

There is a bigger question to be asked: What do you want? Want peace and love? Connection and affection? Happiness and harmony?

If so, then it’s up to you to respond differently.

Think of yourself as Sherlock Holmes and you’re uncovering a case. Get curious about what’s going on. Get fascinated by your lover’s response (or lack thereof).

Now you might be asking, “Why?” and that’s a fair question. So let me ask you a question: What happens if you throw gas on a burning fire? It makes it blow up, right?
Same thing here. Your mission is to build rapport, not blow things up.

It may sound and feel counter-intuitive because chances are it’s much different than what you’ve been accustomed to, and different than the “norms.”

But many times the “norms” are the relationships that are stagnant, failing and dysfunctional, and you want a successful, growing and thriving relationship, right?

It’s “easy” to do what you’ve been doing and what everyone else seems to be doing. As easy as getting pulled down by gravity. It’s tougher and more challenging to blaze a trail for your relationship to travel. Take the more challenging path and just commit yourself to be more fascinated and curious about your lover.

In doing so, you’re likely to discover some new, and very interesting, things about your lover. React in the way that you’ve reacted in the past and you’re bound to discover nothing new and repeat the same old dysfunctional patterns.

If you want new results, you have to put in new action and new behaviors. Do this and you’re more likely to have your lover join you as well.

“Be curious, not judgmental.” ~ Walt Whitman

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And Marry YourSelf First! Every Day in Every Way!

Wu-Wei: This old martial arts principle from the East is described as “yielding to an oncoming force in such a way as to render it harmless and at the same time, change its direction by pushing it from behind instead of resisting it from the front.”

Or, Verbal Kung-Fu!

Western translation: Better communication = Be assertive!

When there is a conflict between two or more people, conditioned response is to cope by fight or flight.

Flight responses are passive and range from giving into an unreasonable request from your mother, accepting a role established by your mate, lying and making up an excuse when your friend wants to borrow your car, to complete withdrawal, hiding from any contact with potential adversaries.

Fight responses are aggressive and range from lightly veiled sarcasm directed toward your mate, childish yelling at the repairman who is an hour late getting to your house, to actual physical violence.

Both responses result in unpleasant emotions of fear and anger, usually failing as an effective method of coping with problems.

So from childhood we learn to deal with our problems indirectly, and often dishonestly. We repress our real feelings at the expense of our self-respect and often our physical well-being.

Assertion is commonly mistaken for aggression, but understand that to be assertive means that you are standing up for your basic human rights. Aggression is a matter of forcefully violating the rights of another, and there is no excuse for such behavior.

An important part of assertiveness is showing consideration for the feelings and rights of others, without letting your kindness or empathy be used as an opening for manipulation.

13 Best practices of assertiveness tactics (Wu-Wei):

1. It’s best to describe other’s behaviors, rather than analyze other’s motivation.

2. It’s best to focus on other’s feelings rather than on other’s attributes.

3. It’s best to keep the conversation on specific issues rather than making general complaints.

4. It’s best to focus on the “here and now” (the present) rather than the “there and then” (the past or the future).

5. It’s best to keep the conversation directed toward changeable behavior and avoid comments toward unchangeable behavior.

6. It’s best to be accepting of other person’s response instead of rejecting or arguing with the other person’s response.

7. It’s best to be active, not passive.

8. It’s best to be open and direct with clear meaning, not hidden with meaning unclear.

9. It’s best to talk “with” others, not “at” others.

10. It’s best to strive for two-way communication, not one-way or one-sided communication.

11. It’s best to stick with one issue instead of trying to deal with many issues at the same time.

12. It’s best to seek to understand first, then to be understood.

13. It’s best to be happy and connected rather than “right” and disconnected.

And It’s Always Best to Marry YourSelf First!

As a relationship counselor and mental health counselor, I am always on the lookout for inspiring messages, tools and resources to help you overcome relationship issues, relationship problems and create the most positive mental health possible.

Someone sent me this today and if you’ll take 4 minutes out of your day to listen to it, it’ll rock your soul…I promise!!

Play it Forward and Marry YourSelf First!

More from Ken Donaldson Here!

Anger…anger management…anger problems…lots of anger but not always answers to anger issues. Listen, watch and take notes!

And Marry YourSelf First!!