Ken Donaldson: 10 Step Program for Relationship Success
Relationships: Why is it that some people seem to have such ease with them, and other people seem to chronically struggle with them?
Perhaps it’s because some people have prepared themselves and others haven’t.
From my 25 years of experience working with people on the frontlines and in the trenches of their relationship challenges, I have discovered that some people plan and some people don’t.
Sounds too simplistic, doesn’t it?!!
It’s not, as the same rules apply for business. The successful businesses have plans and those that are not successful, don’t.
Simple, yes, but very true.
By now, you’ve heard the saying that “people don’t plan to fail; they just fail to plan.” This saying is most likely the cause of relationship success (and failure).
In fact, there are ten primary factors that I have seen people who are more successful in their relationships use over and over.
Would you like to know what these ten factors are?
Cool!
Maybe the easiest way to introduce them is through a self-evaluation.
Consider this the “10 Step Program for Relationship Success.”
The following evaluation will assist you in assessing your life which, if you didn’t know, is the foundation for all healthy relationships.
At the same time of providing you with helpful feedback to create a happy life and an exciting career, this simple test will direct you to develop the core essentials to create the healthiest relationships possible.
Feel free to share this with your friends, family and loved ones and ask for their input and feedback.
On the following ten items, rate each item using a 0 to 10 scale:
- 8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and supports my success in life
- 5-7: OK; this area needs to be strengthened for me to be truly successful
- 0-4: Needs Work; this area could stop me from going forward and being successful
1. Vision: I have an exciting Vision for my life and I’m clear where I’m going in life.
2. Purpose: I have a deep understanding of my Life Purpose and the importance of it in my life and in the lives of others I impact.
3. Values and Priorities: I know my values and have taken the time to write down the ten most important values of my life. I also know my day-to-day priorities that keep me focused.
4. Soul Food and Spirituality: I am aware of the activities, people, places and events which energize me and feed my personal spirituality.
5. Boundaries: I am aware of the boundaries I need to keep with myself and I’m confident about setting boundaries with others, all of which support my Vision, Purpose and Values.
6. Support Network: I have a powerful support network I use regularly. I ask for assistance in getting past stuck points and I use the power of the “MasterMind” to generate new ideas and solutions.
7. Life Balance: I regularly evaluate and have a measurable system to check my life balance and I make the necessary adjustments, while also realizing that life is always moving and there is no perfect balance.
8. Communication: I am comfortable using the most assertive communication tactics necessary to get my needs met and my goals accomplished. I especially practice my listening skills as I realize that listening is the most powerful part of effective communication.
9. Living in the Present: I am always focused on being in the present (rather than the past or the future) and I have moved past old hurts, resentments and/or trauma.
10. Flexible: I know that I am “perfectly imperfect” and I use humor, light-heartedness and silliness to manage any and all stress, and I avoid becoming overly serious about anything!
Total your score and let’s see how you did:
80-100= Green Light: You’re on track for highly successful relationships…keep growing forward!
50-79=Yellow Light: There are some areas of your life that need attention in order for you to truly have the relationship you desire.
0-49=RED LIGHT: It’s time to put YOU first and focus on these foundational areas that will support all your future success, especially in your relationships.
There you go: A brand new 10 Step Program for Relationship Success.
Master these ten areas and not only will you have extraordinary relationships, but you’ll also have an extraordinary life.
After all, the two do go together!
Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson on Giving, Pay It Forward and Playing Forward
This was a thank you letter I received this past week. In fact, this was one of many. I made what I thought was a small donation to help students in a class all get pedometers so they could improve their health and fitness.
I didn’t really expect them all to write me a letter, but they did.
I was reminded that giving, paying forward and playing forward all come back around.
Receiving these letters was the best feeling I had all week.
Your turn now: Giving, Pay It Forward and Playing Forward.
Ken Donaldson and Manage You First: The Fine Art of Dancing in the Relationship Canoe
“Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you.” ~Author Unknown
Imagine two lovers in a canoe fully enjoying the bliss of each other’s company as they’re paddling down this beautiful river of life.
Suddenly, one of them turns to adjust to some minor rapids…the canoe suddenly becomes unstable and the pleasure and harmony the two of them had been sharing suddenly disappears into fear and shock.
“What the heck are you doing?!!…Stop rocking the canoe,” one shouts to the other.
Then the unthinkable happens…one of them is flung from the canoe into the water.
And the blame game then commences.
“Look what you made me do…you made me fall into the water…you moron!”
“I was just trying to help…can’t you see that? Besides, you’ll dry off,” is a typical rational, but yet defensive response.
“Trying to help?!! How the #!#!!! was that helping?!!”
“Quit overreacting…You’re always so dramatic!”
“You insensitive #!!##%!!…thank you so much for caring!”
“Great…and now you have to get sarcastic just like your mother!”
Freeze frame.
What’s going on here?
This is called “life showing up in the midst of the relationship”, but certainly not the optimal management of such.
Let’s face it, there will be times when life suddenly and unexpectedly turns and throws you a wicked screwball.
These are the moments when you’re all tested to see how well you can manage stress, self, life and relationships.
Not always an easy juggling act.
But here are 7 simple steps and reminders that will prove to be helpful:
1.) When unexpected change occurs (like rapids in the river of life), do your best to communicate to each other about what you’re doing to respond to the situation. “Honey, I’m going to shift myself to the other side of the canoe…just wanted to let you know.”
Simple, right?
2.) In case the former (#1) does NOT occur, do your best to respond to the unexpected reaction of your partner in as graceful a way as possible. “I’m noticing you’re moving…what are you going to do next? What would be best for me to do?”
I know…sounds too simple, doesn’t it? The simple stuff is almost always best when it comes to effective communication.
3.) And should the unfortunate happen and you accidentally get flung out of the comfort of your canoe into the river of life, it’s best to simply request some assistance first and foremost. “I was wondering if you could help me.”
Again, simple is simple…and best!
4.) Be reminded that the primary connection point in any relationship is the ability to understand and support each other. Too often, when an emotional charge is introduced, one or both people in the relationship turn their backs on each other or, worse yet, attack each other.
That’s a great way to sink the canoe in a hurry!
5.) That being said, it’s important to remind yourself that you can override your emotional state. Even though emotions are very powerful and sometimes seem to be in control, you and your logical mind actually have the final say.
Find your sanity and say something nice…yes, simple, right?!!
6.) When you get into the canoe, you might want to remind each other of the possibility of rapids. Although it’s impossible to plan for every change that occurs in life, it’s always good to have a proactive plan when you can.
7.) Listen first; speak later…then listen more; and speak much later. Active listening is your most powerful ally. It’ll keep you from saying something that you may regret later, as well as anything that could be potentially hurtful.
Remember: Your partner is a human being with emotions…do what YOU can to take care of those emotions…when you both do that, you have an unbeatable team against the stress, change and strain of life.
Then, when you have done all that, you’ll be able to dance in your relationship canoe and maintain the balance of life.
Yep, you will.
Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson on Manage You First: Live, Love, Laugh and Time to Have Fun!
“People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.” ~Dale Carnegie
When was the last time you scheduled “fun time” into your week?
Like literally on your calendar it says “Fun”?
For most people it’s not often enough.
In fact, for many people, it’s never.
Remember Jack?
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”.
Don’t be a Jack.
You may have heard something like this:
- Live like you cannot fail.
- Love like you’ll never be hurt.
- Laugh like no one else cares.
So…what’s the point of all that?
When you live, love and laugh like this, you’re bound to be having fun.
Some recent research revealed that:
- 26% of U.S. adults report being on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown.
- 26% of U.S. workers take no vacations at all.
Think there might some correlation here?
Maybe!
These are classic examples of people who did not schedule fun into their lives.
There is an old proverb that states, “A merry heart makes a good medicine.”
Wow…there “it” is in its simplest form.
There is a term “Psychoneuroimmunology” (PNI) which essentially looks at the mind-body connection.
And what is being discovered is that how we take care of our minds and our bodies has a direct impact on our immune system.
In other words, what we think and how we act can make us either well or sick.
Which do you think fun does?
Of course…fun makes you well…maybe even “weller”!!
Perhaps the beginning point is back at your calendar.
What would happen if you scheduled in some fun time every day?
Immediately many people would think, “I don’t have time for all the things I want to do already, how could I possibly find time for fun?!!”
How could you NOT?!!
Think about this:
- Workplaces that have a more fun environment have better employee morale, less turnover, higher productivity and superior customer service.
- Families that have more fun are more open, more relaxed, more playful and more connected.
- People who have a “more fun attitude” are more attractive, healthier, happier, and have better relationships.
Should I go on?
What would happen if you scheduled your fun time first every week?
Why don’t you try it?
What’s the worst that could happen?
- You’ll be happier?
- You’ll be healthier?
- You’ll be more connected with others?
- You’ll be more successful?
Yeah…maybe you should stay away from fun…right?!!
Okay, here it is in 7 easy steps:
1.) Schedule fun time every day, even if it’s only 10 or 15 minutes. It has to be fun, NOT work pretending to be fun (I Know who you are!!).
2.) At the end of the day ask yourself what you liked best about your fun time.
3.) At the end of each week, evaluate your health, happiness and relationship harmony.
4.) If it feels embarrassing, uncomfortable, weird or awkward, you’re probably right on target. Those feelings will all pass with practice.
5.) Get some fun friends to join you in this fun commitment and share with each other your “funnest” moments of the day.
6.) Remember, this fun is all about you. It does NOT include making fun of other people. That’s NOT fun.
7.) If you get stuck and can’t seem to do it, then go to your local party or costume store and spend a buck on a clown nose. Wear that during your scheduled fun time. The rest will happen on its own!
Yes, it’s time for you to have more fun…live more…love more…and laugh more.
It’ll make your life more better!
Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson on Manage You First: Your Past…Feel It, Heal It and Release It
Pretty much all of us have “stuff” from our past.
You know, that drama and trauma that often comes from Mama (sorry, couldn’t help the rhyme!).
Everyone has hot buttons, hair triggers and irrational reactions at times (except for those dozen Buddhist monks from Tibet who meditate 12 hours a day. Even they, reportedly, have had some “moments.”).
And the tendency is to blame what’s in front of you or around you for your reaction.
After all, your eyes and ears are typically all focused on the “outer” stimulus (THEM), NOT the “inside” reaction (YOU).
Bad news: It’s ALL about you!
Yep, your reactions are all about you.
Yes, it’s much easier to blame and point the fingers at all the dysfunctions “out there”, all the inappropriate behaviors “over there”, and all the jerks and their jerky behavior all around….right?!!
Do that and you know what you get?
You become a very un-delightful victim!
(That means you’ll then be seen as one of THOSE inappropriate, dysfunctional jerks “out there”!!)
So how about this: You take charge of these inner reactions and put them to rest, heal the old wounds and make peace with yourself, your past and your history.
In doing so, you’ll be much more in the present, in your “adult” state and happier.
Sound good?
Where do you start?
You start by stepping out of the “blame game” and the “shame game” and into the “claim your true fame” game.
What??!!
Okay, in other words, you have to become more aware…let’s just start there.
Instead of looking outward to blame someone or something when you have an emotional reaction, you simply look inward.
AND instead of being negative, frustrated or embarrassed of your emotions and with yourself as you look inward; you embrace your emotions simply as part of your humanness; accepting them gently, lovingly and humbly.
Part of what you need to create is a “corrective experience” in your mind.
Most people either carry around old memories and old fragments from past trauma, and they replay them over and over whenever the emotions are reactivated.
When you react to emotions the same way you always have, you (of course) will get the same results.
However, when you deliberately and purposely change your response, then you get a different outcome.
Something else you might want to try is to have a conversation with “younger you.”
As odd as that may sound, it can be very effective.
Evidently your subconscious can’t seem to tell the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined. So, when you imagine something, your subconscious often will interpret it as real and as really occurring.
By the way, researchers today are suggesting that the subconscious is probably about 95% of your mind.
Wow! Right?!!
In other words, there’s a lot “down there” that you might want to have a positive and corrective impact on.
Back to younger you.
Imagine you could bring younger you from the past into the present.
Imagine you’re looking at him or her….what could you say, more than anything else, that he or she needed to really hear more of as a child?
“I love you.”
“You’re great!”
“You’re amazing!”
“You’re SO beautiful!”
“You’re SO smart!”
“You’re SO creative!”
“It’s okay to have all those feelings.”
“You can say anything you want.”
“Let’s go play!”
“Let me hug you.”
Get the idea?
When you have these imaginary conversations with younger you in the present, your subconscious thinks it’s really happening and a new, and much healthier, impression is created in the subconscious.
You create a healthy impression that will begin to offset and override the old pattern.
By the way, deep breathing is another quick and easy way to improve your emotional management too.
Take a couple of deep breaths and breathe into the emotion…then breathe it out.
Go for a walk or talk to a friend…these old “stand-bys” still work too for additional emotional management.
But whatever you do, do something new and different to get a new and different outcome.
Marry YourSelf First!
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