Wu-Wei: This old martial arts principle from the East is described as “yielding to an oncoming force in such a way as to render it harmless and at the same time, change its direction by pushing it from behind instead of resisting it from the front.”

Or, Verbal Kung-Fu!

Western translation: Better communication = Be assertive!

When there is a conflict between two or more people, conditioned response is to cope by fight or flight.

Flight responses are passive and range from giving into an unreasonable request from your mother, accepting a role established by your mate, lying and making up an excuse when your friend wants to borrow your car, to complete withdrawal, hiding from any contact with potential adversaries.

Fight responses are aggressive and range from lightly veiled sarcasm directed toward your mate, childish yelling at the repairman who is an hour late getting to your house, to actual physical violence.

Both responses result in unpleasant emotions of fear and anger, usually failing as an effective method of coping with problems.

So from childhood we learn to deal with our problems indirectly, and often dishonestly. We repress our real feelings at the expense of our self-respect and often our physical well-being.

Assertion is commonly mistaken for aggression, but understand that to be assertive means that you are standing up for your basic human rights. Aggression is a matter of forcefully violating the rights of another, and there is no excuse for such behavior.

An important part of assertiveness is showing consideration for the feelings and rights of others, without letting your kindness or empathy be used as an opening for manipulation.

13 Best practices of assertiveness tactics (Wu-Wei):

1. It’s best to describe other’s behaviors, rather than analyze other’s motivation.

2. It’s best to focus on other’s feelings rather than on other’s attributes.

3. It’s best to keep the conversation on specific issues rather than making general complaints.

4. It’s best to focus on the “here and now” (the present) rather than the “there and then” (the past or the future).

5. It’s best to keep the conversation directed toward changeable behavior and avoid comments toward unchangeable behavior.

6. It’s best to be accepting of other person’s response instead of rejecting or arguing with the other person’s response.

7. It’s best to be active, not passive.

8. It’s best to be open and direct with clear meaning, not hidden with meaning unclear.

9. It’s best to talk “with” others, not “at” others.

10. It’s best to strive for two-way communication, not one-way or one-sided communication.

11. It’s best to stick with one issue instead of trying to deal with many issues at the same time.

12. It’s best to seek to understand first, then to be understood.

13. It’s best to be happy and connected rather than “right” and disconnected.

And It’s Always Best to Marry YourSelf First!

Ever wonder why people repeat the relationship patterns over and over again?

I received a recent question from www.AskKenDonaldson.com about relationship problems coming from dysfunctional relationship patterns.

Specifically, this person keeps getting into dating relationships which fail and she ends up hurt and heart-broken….AND the guy seems to always go back to his ex-girlfriend!

This is  a very common dynamic that I see causing many unnecessary relationship issues and relationship problems.

A little relationship counseling usually can correct these patterns.

Watch it closely, take notes and pass it on!

And as always, Marry YourSelf First! to prevent this from happening to you!

As a relationship counselor it’s only natural that I would receive many questions about relationship counseling, right?!!

It’s my “job” to hear – and respond to – all the relationship problems and the relationship issues.

Here’s one of the latest – and most interesting- questions from www.AskKenDonaldson.com

“John” writes: “I’m 85 but feeling like 25 right now as I’ve had
the close friendship of a 40ish beautiful woman who wants me
around for 40 more years. She loves me, BUT NOT ROMANTICALLY…”

There’s much more and I made a video especially for John and everyone else
who’s struggling with similar relationship dynamics…here it is:

Where do you start?…

Marry YourSelf First!

Warning: It’s Sunday morning and my wonderful team of
Brenda, Lynne and Shannen all have the day off,
so nobody has proofed this except me, which means you’re liable to find
a bunch of typos…all I ask is that you humor yourSelf with them!

I was driving to get a cup of early morning coffee today when
I quickly noticed the beautiful full moon setting in the western sky.
It reminded me of a poem I wrote a while back…
which, in turn, reminded me of a time when I read the poem
at a very important event. Here’s the whole story…

In my role as a relationship counselor, I have realized
the absolute  importance of  Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers
for your happiness in life.

Just in case you’re not clear about Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers,
here’s a quick little review for you:

Deal-Makers – These are the non-negotiable absolutely, positively,
got-to-have characteristics, attributes, qualities, behaviors and/or involvements
that you have to have from another person. If you accept someone who does
not have these, you will set yourself up for unnecessary disappointment.
Never lower your standards or else you lower your self-esteem.

Deal-Breakers – These are the non-negotiable, absolutely, positively,
will-not-accept-ever-ever-ever traits, qualities, behaviors, attitudes and/or
involvements of another person. If you make an exception, you automatically
discount yourself, violate your own boundaries and set yourself up for
unnecessary pain and heartache.

Basically, this is Boundaries 101!

Many years ago, as I struggling with my own Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers,
I found myself writing a poem which helped me to clarify these important dynamics.

This poem, The Yin and Yang of Perfect Love, has been my guiding light ever since
I wrote it many years ago…it’s always steered me in the best direction.

As it turned out, I read this poem a couple years ago as I was the
Marriage Officiant for a couple friends of mine (Beautiful Tina and Amazing Alex).

Let me digress for a moment, as I’m sure you’ll enjoy the photo from this amazing ceremony:

(Yes, that’s me, the Buddha-looking guy in the middle!)

And I figured since this is the last day of the Love Month,
it’d be appropriate to share this poem with you.

So here it is:

The Yin and Yang of Perfect Love

I am the sun…you are the moon
and you do reflect my every tune

You are the earth and water am I
together we mix creating no lie

I am the wind…you’re the clouds up so high
our energy intermingled all through the sky

You are the fire…I am the wood
together we burn as Life says we should

I am the night…you are the stars
we fill the universe from here to afar

You are the Eagle and I am the sky
we’ll take this here Love and fly it so high

When you are cloudy, I’ll be the sun
and you do same when I’m feeling done

When I’m a river, you’ll be the stone
gently I’ll cleanse you, no more all alone

You be the sunrise, my fog you’ll break through
together we make the sweet morning dew

I am the storm and rainbow are you
complementary energy…we give Life it’s due

Yes, you are the Eagle…I’ll be the tree
a place you may perch from, but fly as you please

And you be the earth for all my roots
together our energy creates loving fruit

And finally I say, let’s answer Life’s call:
Grow as we dance and rise from each fall

Okay, if for some reason you have not written your
Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers list, do it now…
it matters not if it’s a poetic version and just a list.

Write it…follow it…and live it!

THIS LIST is THE #1 element that is very often ignored in
the Law of Attraction formula.

You’ll only attract to you what you truly want when you live in integrity with yourself.

Sorta like Marry YourSelf First! Gee, where have you heard that before?!!

1.) They don’t clearly know what they’re looking for. If you want a Mercedes, you have to look for a Mercedes. It would helpful to shop at places that have Mercedes and talk with people who have Mercedes or at least know people who have Mercedes. If you go to Kmart thinking that you’ll find a Mercedes you’ll set yourself up for a Yugo. Too many women have little or no direction for what they truly want in a relationship, therefore they end up having no compass or direction for finding a quality guy.

Solution: Make a list…a written list of your Deal-Makers (the “have to have” list) and Deal-Breakers (the “will never, never, never tolerate” list). Then, simply follow the list.

2.) They don’t stick to their boundaries, limits and parameters. “Thou shalt not settle” should be the 11th commandment. Too many women settle for beneath their standards. They fall prey to the “scarcity myth”, believing that they won’t find the right guy. Can you hear that song from the 70’s: Bad Love Is Better Than No Love?

Solution: Okay, so you made your Deal-Maker and Deal-Breaker list but you’re not sticking to it because “it’s too hard” or “maybe I’m asking for too much” or “there aren’t any good guys left out there.” If so, then it’s time for some accountability. Get yourself an accountability partner who won’t let you manipulate your success formula, or hire a coach to help you.

3.) They don’t assert themselves. Women can get into fear and not assert themselves. Yes, the guy is “supposed” to lead and make the advances. At least that’s what we’ve been taught. So you find, know or see someone who might be a fit and you don’t take the initiative? Why not? Usually it’s fear: Fear of rejection, fear of being perceived as overly assertive (the “B” word) and/or fear of seeming to be “too forward.” The new F.E.A.R.: Face Everything And Rejoice!

Solution: There is only one way to build a new behavior: Action, action and more action. Every chance you have, assert yourself. Ask for what you what, need and/or desire. Start by practicing at the grocery store: Ask for a paper bag instead of plastic.

4.) They go too fast. The best relationships, and those which last the longest, are cooked in the slow-cooker, not the microwave. Too many women allow the relationship to progress too fast and can often appear to be needy or desperate. This only attracts needy, desperate guys, and will drive away the healthy guys. Go slow…be like molasses and enjoy the ride! There is a balance between conscious assertiveness and blind (hormone driven) recklessness.

Solution: Once again, write yourself out a “relationship game plan.” Be clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay; the order you want everything to occur; and then have either an accountability partner or a coach to help both your accountability and your awareness. The neuro-romantic hormones can be very powerful in distorting one’s reality. Just like “driving under the influence” is not a good idea, “deciding under the influence” can be tricky too.

5.) They self-sabotage success. These can all be viewed as forms of self-sabotage, but this is a particular niche: The fear of success. Usually because of old, old, unhealed wounds from childhood or past relationships, many women actually subconsciously fear the intimacy and vulnerability necessary for high quality relationships. When they start to feel too close, too connected or too committed, they subconsciously hit the self-destruct button. Yes, the fear of success is alive and well.

Solution: This is the most difficult piece to do by yourself, so I’m going to suggest that you consider hiring a coach or a therapist to break through old patterns. If you seem to keep coming up short, then something is going on beneath the surface and you’ll want to get to the root of it or else you’re likely to repeat the same pattern. Marry YourSelf First is the mantra I’d ask you to say, think and act on, every day in every way.