Dr. Tom Hanson recently released his latest book, Play Big.

If you don’t know Dr. Tom, he’s a Tampa-based sports psychologist whose niche is helping baseball players (professional and amateur) perform optimally.

More than anything else, he helps these athletes get the inside game won.

Play Big is a fictional story about a player struggling with hitting the ball (only known as “number 21”) who serendipitously meets this extremely shrewd sage who has no name but is very wise about knowing how to win the inside game of baseball (and life).

Think The Peaceful Warrior meets Field of Dreams.

On page 179 the sage introduces the “inner caveman” as the survival and safety mechanism everyone has in their brain.

When the inner caveman perceives a threat, whether it’s real or imagined, it sets off an alarm to be on guard.

When most people feel this alarm they perceive it as anxiety and usually tense up and back away from whatever the perceived threat is.

The problem with that response pattern, whether you’re playing baseball or just interacting with life, is when you tense up and/or back away, you never perform optimally.

This is an overreaction of the “fight or flight” mechanism of the brain, known more formally as the sympathetic nervous system.

When a baseball player steps up to the plate and is in a state of fight or flight, his muscles tighten up too much and he is not able to swing the bat with his natural and instinctual capabilities.

These natural capabilities are actually wired for high performance.

Yes the athlete (and everyone, including you) is wired to succeed and excel at a very high level.

More simply put, you are wired for greatness.

The ONLY thing that gets in the way is the overreactive fight or flight mechanism.

Yes…the mind simply malfunctions at times without you truly knowing why or how.

But what activates the fight or flight mechanism?

Fear.

Fear of failure and rejection to be exact.

Back to the caveman: He needed his tribe to survive, so any threat to being ostracized from the tribe would literally be life-threatening.

In spite of all the information and technological advances and discoveries made over time, the human brain is exactly the same as caveman days.

No…there is no human brain 2.0!

This means if your inner caveman perceives that a failure may lead to rejection, which may in turn lead to being ostracized, then the sympathetic nervous system is activated and you will not perform optimally if you happen to be playing baseball.

This same dynamic is also occurs in all areas of your life and as long as it reacts this way you will not perform optimally.

Not even close, in fact.

This is why the fear of failure and the fear of rejection are so prevalent (and so destructive).

Dr. Tom really didn’t write this book for the athlete; he wrote it for everyone, as everyone can benefit from this technology.

The next question: How does someone change this response pattern?

Simple…they think differently and create a different emotional response.

Here’s an example: Think about something you do every day without much attention. Something that is almost automatic. Maybe driving, or brushing your teeth or putting on your clothes.

Most people do these tasks, and most daily tasks, automatically and very confidently.

So confidently, in fact, that they don’t even think about it much or at all.

When you engage in one of these activities, you’re being unconsciously confident and competent.

Now imagine you’re able to recreate that same automatically confident energy in other tasks that maybe have been anxiety producing in the past.

What happens when you do?

You feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful.

And when you feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful, you automatically feel more confident and perform optimally.

You feel free. Welcome to your greatness!

So, when you visualize yourself doing anything, always see yourself doing it with great ease, calm and peace…breathe deeply and smile, as your body will automatically calm itself with breathing and smiling.

(Yes, stress, deep breathing and smiling cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Stress is overruled by a big smile and a deep breath, and then cast out.)

And remember to stop by and say thanks to Dr. Tom….sneaky guy he is trying to convince the world that this book is about baseball.

Play Big is about life and how to win in a way that will bring you the most happiness and freedom.

That is what you want, right?

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!

Relationships: Why is it that some people seem to have such ease with them, and other people seem to chronically struggle with them?

Perhaps it’s because some people have prepared themselves and others haven’t.

From my 25 years of experience working with people on the frontlines and in the trenches of their relationship challenges, I have discovered that some people plan and some people don’t.

Sounds too simplistic, doesn’t it?!!

It’s not, as the same rules apply for business. The successful businesses have plans and those that are not successful, don’t.

Simple, yes, but very true.

By now, you’ve heard the saying that “people don’t plan to fail; they just fail to plan.” This saying is most likely the cause of relationship success (and failure).

In fact, there are ten primary factors that I have seen people who are more successful in their relationships use over and over.

Would you like to know what these ten factors are?

Cool!

Maybe the easiest way to introduce them is through a self-evaluation.

Consider this the “10 Step Program for Relationship Success.”

The following evaluation will assist you in assessing your life which, if you didn’t know, is the foundation for all healthy relationships.

At the same time of providing you with helpful feedback to create a happy life and an exciting career, this simple test will direct you to develop the core essentials to create the healthiest relationships possible.

Feel free to share this with your friends, family and loved ones and ask for their input and feedback.

On the following ten items, rate each item using a 0 to 10 scale:

• 8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and supports my success in life
• 5-7:   OK; this area needs to be strengthened for me to be truly successful
• 0-4:   Needs Work; this area could stop me from going forward and being successful

1.  Vision: I have an exciting Vision for my life and I’m clear where I’m going in life.

2.  Purpose: I have a deep understanding of my Life Purpose and the importance of it in my life and in the lives of others I impact.

3.  Values and Priorities: I know my values and have taken the time to write down the ten most important values of my life. I also know my day-to-day priorities that keep me focused.

4.  Soul Food and Spirituality: I am aware of the activities, people, places and events which energize me and feed my personal spirituality.

5.  Boundaries: I am aware of the boundaries I need to keep with myself and I’m confident about setting boundaries with others, all of which support my Vision, Purpose and Values.

6.  Support Network: I have a powerful support network I use regularly. I ask for assistance in getting past stuck points and I use the power of the “MasterMind” to generate new ideas and solutions.

7.  Life Balance: I regularly evaluate and have a measurable system to check my life balance and I make the necessary adjustments, while also realizing that life is always moving and there is no perfect balance.

8.  Communication: I am comfortable using the most assertive communication tactics necessary to get my needs met and my goals accomplished. I especially practice my listening skills as I realize that listening is the most powerful part of effective communication.

9.  Living in the Present: I am always focused on being in the present (rather than the past or the future) and I have moved past old hurts, resentments and/or trauma.

10.  Flexible: I know that I am “perfectly imperfect” and I use humor, light-heartedness and silliness to manage any and all stress, and I avoid becoming overly serious about anything!

Total your score and let’s see how you did:

80-100= Green Light: You’re on track for highly successful relationships…keep growing forward!

50-79=Yellow Light: There are some areas of your life that need attention in order for you to truly have the relationship you desire.

0-49=RED LIGHT: It’s time to put YOU first and focus on these foundational areas that will support all your future success, especially in your relationships.

There you go: A brand new 10 Step Program for Relationship Success.

Master these ten areas and not only will you have extraordinary relationships, but you’ll also have an extraordinary life.

After all, the two do go together!

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

“Underneath every bush you’ll find a mud rabbit ready to bolt.” ~ Old Proverb

Rabbits are fast…really fast.

And should you decide you want to chase a rabbit you can be assured that in the end, you’ll be extremely frustrated, very irritated and exceptionally tired.

So who would chase a rabbit?

You might!

Rabbits represent the type of conversations that have no end…they just go on and on and on…like that bunny on the TV commercial…remember him?

Yes, these conversations are typically steeped with long-winded stories full of classic self-pity: The “poor-me-ain’t-it-awful-why-does-this-always-happen-to-me” syndrome. 

And if you engage in these conversations, you’re very likely to get your life force drained from you.

In other words, you’ll find yourself feeling the previously mentioned triad of frustration, irritation and fatigue.

But maybe you felt compassionate for them.

Maybe you thought you could help them.

Maybe you thought they would really accept your solutions (and chances are you have some very good ones!!)

NOT!

Not rabbits.

Rabbits play a game: They like to feel sorry for themselves and they wear it like a banner…poor me…ain’t it awful…why does this always happen to me?

What’s the payoff you ask?

Attention….because they get to stay in “the problem” and refuse any solutions, they will always have a hook to pull people in.

Sad, that this is their tactic to get attention.

In the end, which usually comes quite quickly, they burn people out and run people off.

All of which adds to their story.

But what can you do if you are confronted by a rabbit?

First, there are three simple principles to remember:

1.) Don’t chase a rabbit. Resist at all costs. Yes, you’re likely to be tempted out of guilt, compassion or obligation, but don’t do it.

2.) If you find yourself chasing a rabbit, remind yourself of the first principle.

3.) If you continually find yourself chasing rabbits, be aware that you are beginning to create the script to become a rabbit yourself.

So basically this means that you avoid these people and these conversations if possible.

However, there may be times when these sly rabbits sneak up on you and snag you into their trap.

In those cases, there are some simple and highly effective tactics you can implement to avoid chasing rabbits very far:

1.)   The “What I hear you saying is…” tactic. This keeps you disengaged and distant. It keeps you listening instead of trying to come up with solutions (Remember, rabbits don’t want solutions).

2.) The “Tell me more…” tactic. You’re likely to resist this tactic because you may NOT want them to tell you more. However, this will keep you from getting pulled further into the story.

3.) The “That makes sense to me because…” tactic. You may also find yourself resisting this tactic because it may feel like you’re agreeing. You’re not. You’re simply letting the other person know that what they’re saying makes sense. This is still a neutral response, which is exactly where you want to stay.

4.) The “If I was in your shoes, I’d probably feel the same way…” tactic. This is called empathy. This reinforces that you understand. However, is still keeps you detached from any serious emotional entwinement with the rabbit.

5.) The “I need to go use the restroom…” tactic. Yes, there are times when you’ll need to physically remove yourself from getting sucked down the rabbit hole. Using the restroom, having to make a phone call or having another appointment, are all useful interventions.

Also, beware of the rabbit’s eyes: They seem to never blink and if you look too long or too deep, you may find yourself falling into the hypnotic trance and the rabbit will then draw you deep, deep into the rabbit hole and you could very likely lose all sense of reality.

Yes, these are some of the finer points of using effective boundaries in challenging and sometimes difficult situations.

If you have difficulty implementing these tactics, then you might just want to talk with a therapist or a coach to find out what might be blocking you.

Chances are, it’s something out of your consciousness and probably something from your subconscious that’s getting activated.

I know a guy who can help you…and I know a great book that’s helpful as well!

Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to work with and/or interview thousands of people and ask them about their relationships.

I’ve noticed some trends in the happier, healthier and longer lasting relationships: The individuals in those relationships have some very clear traits and behaviors that separated them from the rest.

Want to know what they are?

Here you go:

The 12 Steps to Proactively Creating a Divorce-Proof Marriage

1.) Know yourself, trust yourself and like yourself first!

• Define your Life Purpose

• Discern and live by your Values and Priorities

• Create your Life Vision and Life Mission Statement

• Develop a Legacy that will live forever

2.) Create a Balanced Lifestyle

• Set Boundaries and eliminate energy drains

• Create a proactive Self Maintenance program

• Evaluate and Inventory your lifestyle weekly

3.) Surround yourself with Supportive Networks and Communities

• Seek out like-minded and like-valued people

• Create Accountability agreements with others

• Avoid negative situations and environments

4.) Know your Requirements and Needs

• Create and live by your “Deal Makers” and “Deal Breakers”

• Make direct requests to get your needs met

• Always be true to yourself

5.) Take your work in life seriously, but take life lightly

• Practice being flexible, fluid, and accepting

• Avoid trying to “push the river”

• Express your passion in life with the utmost of passion

6.) Understand the healthy romantic relationship developmental process

• Create the criteria for your Life Partner

• Develop “Screening” and “Testing” strategies

• Use your support system for feedback and input

7.) Define your personal Spirituality

• Discover and walk your Spiritual Path

• Practice daily acts to activate your “Highest Self”

• Accept life on life’s terms

8.) Be perfectly imperfect

• Know your character challenges and work to strengthen those areas

• Accept all your errors, mis-takes and failures

• Practice non-judgment of yourself and all others

9.) Live from Abundance

• Practice daily acts of ‘Random Kindness”

• Develop a “Pay it Forward” system in your life

• Create an affirming, fear-less inner dialogue

10.) Be an Excellent Communicator

 • Practice Active Listening as often as possible

• Commit to creating a “Win-Win” outcome with others

• Learn to process emotions, conflict and disagreements

 11.) Get out of your comfort zone

• Learn to accept all your uncomfortable feelings and emotions

• Practice deliberate daily acts of new behavior

• Celebrate discomfort as healthy growth and development

12.) Consciously Breathe and Smile

• Learn to be Silly (use a clown nose if you need too!!)

• Develop Breathing Exercises to enhance your Mind, Body, Heart and Soul

• Smile until you are happy

And if you like this, you’re going to love the workshop this Saturday:

Love YourSelf Before You Love Again

Saturday, November 13th, 9 A.M. – 5 P.M.

Cost: $27 if prepaid, $37 at the door (and includes lunch!!)

FAMILY RESOURCES
5180 62nd Avenue North
Pinellas Park, FL 33781.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER OR CALL 866.600.6064.

Read more from Ken Donaldson…

• Assertiveness: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and never say it mean.

• Boundaries: With yourself first; then others… ”No” is a complete sentence.

• Communication: Still one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships (See Assertiveness).

• Deal Makers/Deal Breakers: Say “Yes” to your Yes’ and “No” to your No’s.

• Emotional Management: Feel them; Heal them; Deal with them…then move on.

• Focus-Fear-Faith: Do you focus on fear or faith?…your choice.

• God: Is there a spiritual conversation here?

• Humor: Wear a clown nose before every fight …it’ll eliminate most of them.

• Integrity: Be whole, open, honest and forthright.

• Jealousy: Just in case it shows up, know how to deal with it (and any other yucky dynamics too).

• Ken on Call: Always have a coach/counselor you can rely on.

• Logs on the Fire: Keep the passion growing and growing…don’t let the fire go out…ever!

• Most Important: The most important thing is the most important thing…priorities 101.

• NO Blame, Shame or Games!: See integrity.

• Openness: The gateway to the Heart has to be open to let the Love in.

• Purpose: What is the purpose of this relationship? Make it bigger than the two of you.

• Questions: Ask in the direction of the solution, not in the direction of the problem.

• Rituals: Daily, positive, growth-enhancing and fun …got it?!!

• Support Networks: Where/who do you go to for yours? We all need support.

• Tongue-Foo Fighting: Know how to be the bull-fighter of tongue-foo and arguments go away real fast and in a real loving way.

• Understanding: “Do you understand me?” If not, then listen more and deeper.

• Validation: We all want this and it’s often withheld or overlooked…give it away generously!

• Work-Life Balance: See Boundaries and Deal-Makers/Deal Breakers.

• X(Ex)Relationship Baggage: Live in the present not the past…see Ken on Call if you can’t do this.

• Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Where do you live… live your best today in today.

• Zealousness: Not too much, not too little, just right in the middle.

 Read more from Ken Donaldson.

And Marry YourSelf First!

Here’s a story about the dangers of hoarding, but probably not what you’re thinking.

Let me explain…

First let’s get a definition clarified.

Hoard: To collect and store, often secretly and usually unnecessarily, large amounts of things, such as food or money, for future use.

So there I was in downtown St. Petersburg on a beautiful Sunday morning having a nice time with a friend of mine.

However, there are these things called parking meters that require a certain amount of feeding every so often and the one where I parked was getting hungry and was going to run out of time soon.

(Silly me; I didn’t pre-plan to bring quarters…I wonder how many other people have had the same experience on a relaxing Sunday – “I don’t have to think about anything”- morning??)

So I simply asked the waitress if she might have some change I could exchange with her for some dollar bills.

“No…I don’t.”

Okay, so then I got very tactical and asked, “What about the cash register, could you maybe get some change from it?”

“No…we don’t have any extra change.”

Okay, so you’re probably getting a sense of what I might be thinking and feeling at this point, right?!!

How could a business open on a Sunday morning NOT have change?

There could only be one answer: They were hoarding!

(Well, at least that’s the one answer I came up with.)

So during the course of our stay there, our waitress came to our table several times asking if there was anything else we needed.

Half kiddingly (and half very seriously), I responded the same every time, “Do you have any change yet?”

I will say that she was consistent (I think maybe that means she had good boundaries, right?) with her responses, “No,” every time.

So finally I decided that I would need to go to some other places to find some change, but I figured I might have a chance to “pull a quick one” when I paid for the bill.

I walked up to the bar and placed a $20 bill on top of the bill and asked (again) really nicely, “Might you have some extra change?”

Our waitress asked the apparent manager (and now the seeming quarter hoarder) if she could use some of their quarters for my change.

The manager, somewhat begrudgingly, said yes.

So I guess you could say my persistence paid off.

But I believe there are a couple bigger lessons here.

Lesson #1 is about planning.

Any business in downtown St. Petersburg open on Sunday morning should know that there are parking meters and there are bound to be people like myself that are in a very relaxed Sunday mode and may not even think to bring change.

I believe that would be categorized as “good proactive customer service.”

Lesson #2 is something that can be paralyzing if not consciously seen and addressed. 

It’s what I call “The Scarcity Myth.”

It’s the fear of not having enough.

In this rather benign situation, it was the fear of not having enough change to make it through the day.

(Of course, this is only an assumption on my behalf.)

But let’s look at this a bit deeper:

• Many people fear that there’s not enough love, so they often settle for a relationship beneath their standards and end up creating unnecessary pain and heartache, which could have been easily avoided if they had not let the scarcity fear rule.
• Many people fear that there is not enough time, so they spend their time in a chaotic fervor trying to “do” as much as they can oftentimes much to expense of their health and relationships, both of which could easily be enhanced if they simply prioritized their life and lived according to their priorities (and values).
• Many people fear that there are not enough opportunities in life so they settle for a job or a career path that slowly drains their passion, energy and optimism for life, and slowly and unconsciously turns them into a rigid, pessimistic and sarcastic cynic.

Yep, the scarcity fear does all that and probably much, much more.

So what’s the moral of the story?

Don’t be a quarter hoarder…be a quarter supporter!

Meaning that it’s always good to plan ahead (lesson #1) and when the opportunity comes, give as freely as you can (lesson #2).

When you hold on to something out of fear, you block energy from flowing to you and you can easily create a self-fulfilling prophecy in which what you fear can become that much truer.

However, when you put trust in the Universe (by the way, the Universe is endless as far as we can tell at this point…slightly “abundant” I would have to conclude) you allow the Universal energy to flow to you.

I know…it takes faith and trust, both of which may be big steps at times.

But what’s the option? Being a quarter hoarder?

Naw!!…be a quarter supporter…start today!

“There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there’s only scarcity of resolve to make it happen.” ~Wayne Dyer

P.S. After proof-reading this, my assistant just reminded me of lesson #3…Always carry extra quarters in your car.

Yeah, I guess I could have planned ahead too, right?!!

Read more from Ken Donaldson

Today is a great day to Marry YourSelf First!

The Daily Illuminating Dozen:

1. How many smiles did you cause today?

2. How many times, regardless of the fear, apprehension or discomfort, did you say “Yes!” to a bigger opportunity today?

3. How many times today did you ignore things (and people) that you may have normally (and probably irrationally) reacted to in the past?

4. How many times did you connect with the people you love today?

5. How many times did you encourage someone else (who really needed it) today?

6. How many times did you practice good self care (including doing nothing at all) today?

7. How many times did you eat healthy today?

8. How many times did you drink pure, fresh water today (even if you didn’t feel like it)?

9. How many times did you give anonymously (time, energy, talents and money) today?

10. How many people did you educate to help them improve their situation today?

11. How many times did you say something positive to yourself about yourself today?

12. How many unconditional hugs did you share today?

Leave your comments below…

Marry Your Self First!

The editorial team from Forbes.com, the online version of the Forbes magazine, is well known for their Top Ten lists. They recently released their Top Ten Most Stressed-Out Cities with Las Vegas being number one, followed by Los Angeles and Houston.

And what major metropolitan area is number 4? Tampa Bay! Check it out here.

Their criteria to determine these “most stressed-out cities” includes the following: High unemployment, long commute times, long work hours, limited access to health care, poor physical health and a lack of exercise.

Overall, here are the individual categories of stressors and their corresponding rankings for Tampa:

High Unemployment Rank: #5 in the U.S.

Long Commute Times Rank: #17 in the U.S.

Long Working Hours Rank: #10 in the U.S.

Limited Health Care Rank: #13 in the U.S.

Poor Physical Health Rank: #4 in the U.S.

Limited Exercise Rank: #9 in the U.S.

So, does that mean you should move? NO!

Now hear this: “Leaving the situation usually isn’t the best way to create a solution. Part of the problem is denial, which simply means that ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’.”

The path to breaking through denial is first having an awareness of these issues. If you’re not aware, you won’t change anything. Furthermore, to create less stress (and, therefore, more success), the following is also suggested:

• Most stress is lifestyle created. Regardless of how much we hear, read and see about diet and exercise, most people are still not placing a high enough value on their health.
  
• Setting boundaries with yourself, creating goals and having an accountability partner are all necessary components to creating a more stress free life.
  
• Having a good sense of humor, getting outside and connecting with nature on a regular basis, moving your body and developing a positive social network are other valuable components to decreasing stress.
  
• When we’re reminded, we are more likely to take action. Use your day-timer, your calendar or computer software to schedule in stress reducing activities.

Click here to receive your complimentary “create less stress and more success” portable workshop. This 60 minute audio is yours free just by signing up for it.

Additionally, if you can’t get the work life balance you desire, consider hiring a professional coach or therapist. It’s great investment for your health, wealth and happiness!

What do YOU think? Leave a comment below.

Pssstttt: Today is a great day to Marry YourSelf First!

My friends at Fox News 13 Good Day Tampa Bay wanted to know my thoughts about this.

What do you think?

Leave a comment below.

Today is THE day: Marry YourSelf First!