Here’s a great cheat sheet for your relational intelligence.

• Assertiveness: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and never say it mean.

• Boundaries: With yourself first; then others… ”No” is a complete sentence.

• Communication: Still one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships (See Assertiveness).

• Deal Makers/Deal Breakers: Say “Yes” to your Yes’ and “No” to your No’s.

• Emotional Management: Feel them; Heal them; Deal with them…then move on.

• Focus-Fear-Faith: Do you focus on fear or faith?…your choice.

• God: Is there a spiritual conversation here?

• Humor: Wear a clown nose before every fight …it’ll eliminate most of them.

• Integrity: Be whole, open, honest and forthright.

• Jealousy: Just in case it shows up, know how to deal with it (and any other yucky dynamics too).

• Ken on Call: Always have a coach/counselor you can rely on.

• Logs on the Fire: Keep the passion growing and growing…don’t let the fire go out…ever!

• Most Important: The most important thing is the most important thing…priorities 101.

• NO Blame, Shame or Games!: See integrity.

• Openness: The gateway to the Heart has to be open to let the Love in.

• Purpose: What is the purpose of this relationship? Make it bigger than the two of you.

• Questions: Ask in the direction of the solution, not in the direction of the problem.

• Rituals: Daily, positive, growth-enhancing and fun …got it?!!

• Support Networks: Where/who do you go to for yours? We all need support.

• Tongue-Foo Fighting: Know how to be the bull-fighter of tongue-foo and arguments go away real fast and in a real loving way.

• Understanding: “Do you understand me?” If not, then listen more and deeper.

• Validation: We all want this and it’s often withheld or overlooked…give it away generously!

• Work-Life Balance: See Boundaries and Deal-Makers/Deal Breakers.

• X(Ex)Relationship Baggage: Live in the present not the past…see Ken on Call if you can’t do this.

• Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Where do you live… live your best today in today.

• Zealousness: Not too much, not too little, just right in the middle.

 Read more from Ken Donaldson.

And Marry YourSelf First!

“I think we have to be not so afraid of scarcity. We have to be willing to give away all things.” ~Sharon Stone

Here’s a story about the dangers of hoarding, but probably not what you’re thinking.

Let me explain…

First let’s get a definition clarified.

Hoard: To collect and store, often secretly and usually unnecessarily, large amounts of things, such as food or money, for future use.

So there I was in downtown St. Petersburg on a beautiful Sunday morning having a nice time with a friend of mine.

However, there are these things called parking meters that require a certain amount of feeding every so often and the one where I parked was getting hungry and was going to run out of time soon.

(Silly me; I didn’t pre-plan to bring quarters…I wonder how many other people have had the same experience on a relaxing Sunday – “I don’t have to think about anything”- morning??)

So I simply asked the waitress if she might have some change I could exchange with her for some dollar bills.

“No…I don’t.”

Okay, so then I got very tactical and asked, “What about the cash register, could you maybe get some change from it?”

“No…we don’t have any extra change.”

Okay, so you’re probably getting a sense of what I might be thinking and feeling at this point, right?!!

How could a business open on a Sunday morning NOT have change?

There could only be one answer: They were hoarding!

(Well, at least that’s the one answer I came up with.)

So during the course of our stay there, our waitress came to our table several times asking if there was anything else we needed.

Half kiddingly (and half very seriously), I responded the same every time, “Do you have any change yet?”

I will say that she was consistent (I think maybe that means she had good boundaries, right?) with her responses, “No,” every time.

So finally I decided that I would need to go to some other places to find some change, but I figured I might have a chance to “pull a quick one” when I paid for the bill.

I walked up to the bar and placed a $20 bill on top of the bill and asked (again) really nicely, “Might you have some extra change?”

Our waitress asked the apparent manager (and now the seeming quarter hoarder) if she could use some of their quarters for my change.

The manager, somewhat begrudgingly, said yes.

So I guess you could say my persistence paid off.

But I believe there are a couple bigger lessons here.

Lesson #1 is about planning.

Any business in downtown St. Petersburg open on Sunday morning should know that there are parking meters and there are bound to be people like myself that are in a very relaxed Sunday mode and may not even think to bring change.

I believe that would be categorized as “good proactive customer service.”

Lesson #2 is something that can be paralyzing if not consciously seen and addressed. 

It’s what I call “The Scarcity Myth.”

It’s the fear of not having enough.

In this rather benign situation, it was the fear of not having enough change to make it through the day.

(Of course, this is only an assumption on my behalf.)

But let’s look at this a bit deeper:

• Many people fear that there’s not enough love, so they often settle for a relationship beneath their standards and end up creating unnecessary pain and heartache, which could have been easily avoided if they had not let the scarcity fear rule.
• Many people fear that there is not enough time, so they spend their time in a chaotic fervor trying to “do” as much as they can oftentimes much to expense of their health and relationships, both of which could easily be enhanced if they simply prioritized their life and lived according to their priorities (and values).
• Many people fear that there are not enough opportunities in life so they settle for a job or a career path that slowly drains their passion, energy and optimism for life, and slowly and unconsciously turns them into a rigid, pessimistic and sarcastic cynic.

Yep, the scarcity fear does all that and probably much, much more.

So what’s the moral of the story?

Don’t be a quarter hoarder…be a quarter supporter!

Meaning that it’s always good to plan ahead (lesson #1) and when the opportunity comes, give as freely as you can (lesson #2).

When you hold on to something out of fear, you block energy from flowing to you and you can easily create a self-fulfilling prophecy in which what you fear can become that much truer.

However, when you put trust in the Universe (by the way, the Universe is endless as far as we can tell at this point…slightly “abundant” I would have to conclude) you allow the Universal energy to flow to you.

I know…it takes faith and trust, both of which may be big steps at times.

But what’s the option? Being a quarter hoarder?

Naw!!…be a quarter supporter…start today!

“There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there’s only scarcity of resolve to make it happen.” ~Wayne Dyer

P.S. After proof-reading this, my assistant just reminded me of lesson #3…Always carry extra quarters in your car.

Yeah, I guess I could have planned ahead too, right?!!

Read more from Ken Donaldson

Today is a great day to Marry YourSelf First!

The Daily Illuminating Dozen:

1. How many smiles did you cause today?

2. How many times, regardless of the fear, apprehension or discomfort, did you say “Yes!” to a bigger opportunity today?

3. How many times today did you ignore things (and people) that you may have normally (and probably irrationally) reacted to in the past?

4. How many times did you connect with the people you love today?

5. How many times did you encourage someone else (who really needed it) today?

6. How many times did you practice good self care (including doing nothing at all) today?

7. How many times did you eat healthy today?

8. How many times did you drink pure, fresh water today (even if you didn’t feel like it)?

9. How many times did you give anonymously (time, energy, talents and money) today?

10. How many people did you educate to help them improve their situation today?

11. How many times did you say something positive to yourself about yourself today?

12. How many unconditional hugs did you share today?

Leave your comments below…

Marry Your Self First!

The editorial team from Forbes.com, the online version of the Forbes magazine, is well known for their Top Ten lists. They recently released their Top Ten Most Stressed-Out Cities with Las Vegas being number one, followed by Los Angeles and Houston.

And what major metropolitan area is number 4? Tampa Bay! Check it out here.

Their criteria to determine these “most stressed-out cities” includes the following: High unemployment, long commute times, long work hours, limited access to health care, poor physical health and a lack of exercise.

Overall, here are the individual categories of stressors and their corresponding rankings for Tampa:

High Unemployment Rank: #5 in the U.S.

Long Commute Times Rank: #17 in the U.S.

Long Working Hours Rank: #10 in the U.S.

Limited Health Care Rank: #13 in the U.S.

Poor Physical Health Rank: #4 in the U.S.

Limited Exercise Rank: #9 in the U.S.

So, does that mean you should move? NO!

Now hear this: “Leaving the situation usually isn’t the best way to create a solution. Part of the problem is denial, which simply means that ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’.”

The path to breaking through denial is first having an awareness of these issues. If you’re not aware, you won’t change anything. Furthermore, to create less stress (and, therefore, more success), the following is also suggested:

• Most stress is lifestyle created. Regardless of how much we hear, read and see about diet and exercise, most people are still not placing a high enough value on their health.
  
• Setting boundaries with yourself, creating goals and having an accountability partner are all necessary components to creating a more stress free life.
  
• Having a good sense of humor, getting outside and connecting with nature on a regular basis, moving your body and developing a positive social network are other valuable components to decreasing stress.
  
• When we’re reminded, we are more likely to take action. Use your day-timer, your calendar or computer software to schedule in stress reducing activities.

Click here to receive your complimentary “create less stress and more success” portable workshop. This 60 minute audio is yours free just by signing up for it.

Additionally, if you can’t get the work life balance you desire, consider hiring a professional coach or therapist. It’s great investment for your health, wealth and happiness!

What do YOU think? Leave a comment below.

Pssstttt: Today is a great day to Marry YourSelf First!

My friends at Fox News 13 Good Day Tampa Bay wanted to know my thoughts about this.

What do you think?

Leave a comment below.

Today is THE day: Marry YourSelf First!