This is a dynamic that is, unfortunately, very commonplace in relationships today. Always know that if you’re feeling jealousy or have insecurities, it’s on you to resolve it. In other words, it’s YOUR issue!

It is a great opportunity for you to take a deep look inside yourself and really ask yourself, “What is it that I feel insecure or jealous about? What is it about ME that’s causing this?” If you have insecure feelings with somebody else or have jealousy, know that’s just a projection…a projection of something going on deep inside of you.

Yes, it’s so much easier for us to look outwardly and put the focus on another person and try to make it about them. To even look at the other person and say, “They did this that caused me to feel jealous or insecure.”

But that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. If somebody is doing something that is that outlandish, or that’s breaking trust, that is an obvious deal-breaker and you need to think about why you’re in that relationship…period!

But what CAN YOU do about these insecurities and feelings of jealousy? First, it’s good to know that this most likely comes from some place deep inside that is typically connected to an old wound. In fact, it often comes from events that have occurred very early in life.

(Side note: This would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

It’s time to do a thorough examination and inventory of yourself and your history, and ask yourself:
• What were the primary messages that I received about myself?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my self-worth?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my identity?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my looks?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my capabilities?
• What were the primary messages that I received about others?
• What were the primary messages that I received about relationships?

These messages are not always obvious and often they may have been expressed in a more subtle way. Through looks, body language, facial expressions or even silence. So even though you may have been brought up in a really healthy and normal environment, there may have been some other things that you picked up on that were just really subtle messages. And you may have made you own conclusions based on incorrect assumptions or interpretations.

But really ask yourself this one core question: How did I feel about myself when I was growing up. And then also ask yourself:
• What’s my history in past relationships?
• Have I been burned?
• Have I been taken advantage of?
• Have I been cheated on?
• Is there any unresolved energy there that’s starting to rear its ugly head?

Here’s the bottom-line to this whole jealousy and insecurity issue: Things that are unresolved from childhood or past relationships will continually come up until you put them to rest!

If you leave a relationship, the issues will follow you to the next and the next and the next…in fact, you’ll probably even pick the same kind of person because there is so much unresolved energy going on at a subconscious level.

The message to the subconscious mind has to be that the “war” is over, all is now safe, and it’s now time for peace. When there are significant unresolved issues, our mind can get stuck at the subconscious level and play over and over like a broken record. This is particularly true when there has been something really traumatic. And if you don’t know how to “scratch the record” and get it to jump into the present, then it’ll keep playing that at a subconscious level.

Start with these simple exercises:
1. Write an uncensored letter to any and all past partners who you felt had hurt or betrayed you in any way. Write all your feelings and emotions. Write until you can’t write any more. Then have a ceremony and burn the letters. Release the resentment…Release the grudge…Release the hurt.

2. Imagine that you bring “younger you” into the present. What would you want to express to him or her about life…relationships…and him or herself? Think about how you would affirm, acknowledge, support, care for, love and protect that younger part of you. Do this daily and create a “corrective experience.”

So, if you find yourself feeling jealous and insecure, it is a great time for YOU to do some healing and growing…embrace the moment!

(Second side note: Again, this would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

Please Leave a Comment Below for Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First! every day in every way!

Is Your Relationship Living or Dying?

This is a classic question being asked by many wives today. The first thing to do is the obvious: Ask him! And in asking him, have you clarified to him how important it is to you and to the kids?

Here are a few things to be aware of when asking:

• Be aware of “how” you’re asking.
• Are you nagging, whining or complaining? Ask in a positive tone.
• When are you asking? Pick a time when he’s available and not preoccupied.

All of which brings up the next question: Have you and your husband been practicing good communication or have you done what many couples do and just gone on autopilot?

Autopilot is a common relationship dynamic that silently says, “Let’s keep it comfortable, predictable and familiar.” Unfortunately, comfortable, predictable and familiar do not allow for  growth and if there’s no growth, the relationship can and will become very stagnant very fast. Sometimes what a relationship needs more than anything else is a shakeup. Something out of the ordinary, like a new way of interacting. Too many couples have become passive and they’ve stopped asking for what they truly want and need, and they’ve stopped making their requests.

In other words, they’ve begun to settle. And here’s a fact about settling: When you settle for less you always get less…never more! For example, couples often settle for setting fewer boundaries, which means they stop making the requests to fulfill their wants and needs, and they stop informing their partner about unacceptable behavior.

And what then happens is as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, there’s a growing separation and distance between the two. And then the wife’s simple issue of “I’d like you to spend more time with the kids,” turns into a resentment filled and fueled power-struggle.

This may sound like an evasion of the original question, but there are bigger issues and dynamics here. These issues don’t grow overnight; they usually have been festering for months, years and at times, even decades.

So the key is really about having healthy assertive communication. One of the greatest gifts one partner can give to another in a relationship is healthy communication. This is particularly relevant when it comes to conflict resolution. Oftentimes conflict resolution simply means to ask the more difficult and sometimes emotionally charged questions.

This issue of the husband spending more time with the family may be one of those situations where there may be a tendency to skate around the issue because it might feel uncomfortable. Like, “I don’t feel like asking him because he might get irritated,” or “I might sound like I’m nagging.”

However, the goal here is simple: Ask and make the request anyway. You must often just take the action that’s uncomfortable or awkward. And yes, it may even stir the pot and create a little conflict, but if you don’t confront and deal with conflict, the relationship will, by default, go on autopilot, and relationships die in autopilot mode!

Die?!! Yes…here’s why: Everything in life is either living or dying. Which means your life is either growing and expanding or shriveling and dying.

And if you’re not addressing issues straight-up and confronting dynamics that are unacceptable, then the relationship is starting to die.

So, how can you get your husband to spend more time with the family? It starts with you communicating effectively and assertively. If you’re not there or can’t seem to get there, or if there has been a continual cycle of breakdowns after you’ve tried over and over again, then it’s time to hire a professional.

It’s amazing what a couple of counseling sessions with a good relationship counselor can do! Have a few sessions with someone who can actively teach you how to effectively communicate with each other.

Do all this and the question of “How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?” answers itself.

Leave a comment below…

Marry YourSelf First! for the Best Relationships

The Independence Day Movie…just for YOU!!

Independence Day

Sometimes I’m happy…..sometimes so sad

And times of bliss and sometimes just damn mad

I jump for joy….I’m wretched in pain

I have ecstatic moments and times of shame

I’m courageous at times and at times, I fear

I feel so sure….and doubt seems so near

An elated tear and a tear of grief

Confidence abounds, yet fear finds no relief

This is the package of this here life

From the pinnacle of joy to the valley of strife

It all adds color, but sometimes it’s black

Yet rainbows burst forth…emotions never lack

This roller coaster we can simply embrace

Not one single feeling must we ever disgrace

These are expressions form the depths of our Soul

It’s the Yin and the Yang of what makes us whole

So today I do say, “Know what you feel!!”

And embrace every feeling…you see, it’s part of the deal

Our feelings do tell us one thing for sure

We’re alive, yes alive, with emotion so pure

So on this fine day of Independence we say

Embrace yourself wholly as you sing, walk and pray

Realize the freedom you have to express

Now express every feeling and then get some rest!

Yes, express your emotions, and deny not a one

Be Independent like the moon, stars, earth and sun…

~ By Ken Donaldson…and made for you and your loved ones!

P.S. Today is a good day to Marry YourSelf First!

Come listen in for my mom’s 85th birthday as she shares some of her 85 years of wisdom…

Here’s Mom’s Basic Rules for Living 85 Years of Health, Happiness and Harmony

1. Let yourself be a little funky at times.
2. Allow yourself to be loved and cherished.
3. Eat healthy and good (Thai) food.
4. Be extraordinary and humble.
5. Be grateful and thankful.
6. Exercise daily.
7. Dance…sometimes in the privacy of yourself so you can “kick up your heals.”
8. Take vitamins to add to health.
9. Walk every day (mostly).
10. Have positive thoughts.
11. Practice patience and perseverance with difficult (and sometimes grumpy) people.
12. Have a good sense of humor.
13. Yield to resistance.
14. Respect privacy…have boundaries.
15. Honor your relationships.

So…got a comment? Leave it below!

Why Marry YourSelf First! Because my mom said so!

“Man is a knot into which relationships are tied.”  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

How much weight do your relationships have on your life? How about “mucho-mucho”!

However, relationships are very challenging for most people. Here’s the evidence:
As you know, about 50% of first time marriages end in divorce.
You may not know that second timers have a 60% divorce rate and third timers have a 70% divorce rate.
(FYI: Getting a different partner does not seem to be the solution).

Additionally, one in three women will be physically abused by a partner at some point in her life. That is a very conservative number as most abuse is never reported.

So, obviously, the “We” part of this equation is lacking something.

Let’s also look at the “You” and “Me” parts as well:
About 10% of our population meets the criteria for alcoholism.

Another 10% is drug addicted.

Also, about 10% are clinically depressed.

Another 10% meet the clinical criteria for an anxiety disorder.

So let’s stop right there for a moment…good time to take a deep breath in…and a deep breath out.

What does this all say? Simple: Not only do we not know what to give to our relationships to help them flourish and grow, we don’t even know what to give to ourselves!

To say that we have a lack of coping skills would be an exaggerated understatement.

We have a serious problem is what we have!

And here’s even worse news: Our politicians in Washington are not going to fix this for us.

Therefore, it’s up to us…each and every one of us!

Think about this for a moment: Imagine there was a number of TV shows that were designed to create dramatic change in our country. Imagine that was the only purpose of these shows…only to create dramatic change.

Every week there would be a focus on something new to change. Something positive that would help individuals and families. And every week there would be a challenge to the viewers: See how much positive change you can create this week. People who create massive positive change would be featured.

But wait…there’s more!

Imagine that we integrated into our school system, first and foremost, curriculum that was specifically designed to help students improve the following:

• Stress Management Skills
• Assertiveness
• Boundary Setting
• Self-Esteem Building
• Team Building
• Relationship Skills

Whoa! What would happen if this was the primary focus of school and THEN we worked on reading, writing and arithmetic?

Yes, imagine what this would do to the previously mentioned divorce, addiction and mental health numbers.

Yes…imagine!

But know this: Everything that has ever been created or invented started in the imagination.

Every idea went from imagination to possibility, and then to a burning desire to create it, followed by a magnificent obsession to make sure it happened.

So here’s the question to YOU: What will YOU do to make this happen?

Until the media shows up with such a series of shows and until the education system transforms its learning styles, it’s up to you and me to make these changes.

What will you do today to help transform You, Me and the Space Between We?

Want more life balance? Then upgrade your relationship skills. Then, go do something yourself to help change things for the positive…that’ll give your life more balance too!

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.”  ~Emily Kimbrough

Marry YourSelf First Today!

And Feel Free To Leave A Comment…Or Two!