You’ll have your chance this Wednesday (7/28) as I’ll be the guest on “The Ask Vera Show”

The Ask Vera Show is every 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month. It’s a 30 minute free show focused on answering the toughest questions on relationship issues.

Vera will be grilling me with her most challenging relationship questions and you’re invited to do the same!

Come join us and tell your friends.

Call in number: 1 808 206-9730

Conference ID: 208018#

I hope to “see” you and your friends then and there!

Click here for all the details

Marry YourSelf First!

Below are the questions they posed to me and my “off the top of head” responses.

What other questions would be good to ask regarding break-ups and heart break? What might I be missing or overseeing? How else do you think I can help the heartbroken? What else do you think I can do to prevent future heartbreaking experiences?

Feel free to comment below.

1. What is the biggest challenge with people trying to overcome heartbreak?
Getting through the pain is the biggest challenge. Plain and simple. It sometimes feels like it’s going to last forever. Or that you’re forever scarred. Sometimes minutes seem like weeks and days seem like years. And then there’s also all the racing thoughts: Trying to figure it all out. “Why did this happen?” and “What did I do wrong?” are common, but the Mac-Daddy is “Why does this always happen to me?”The biggest challenge is staying out of the blame game and not feeling like a victim.

In other words, the biggest challenge is figuring out how to move on without resentment, guilt or shame. How to get back on your life-path and go forward with hope and optimism.

2. What is the best thing to do when you have had your heart broken?
Give yourself time…as much as you need. Talk about it with your friends if you need to and write about it if that helps. But more than anything else give it time.

Yes, time does heal all wounds, especially if you give yourself guilt-free, shame-free and resentment-free time.

Yes, it’s good to review and see what happened. See what you can learn for your future. See what you can glean from it to make your future relationships even better.

It’s also good to look at this as something that happened, not something that someone “did to you.”

Stay out of the victim role. Sometimes these things just happen and they don’t make any sense. They just happen.

3. Should you see your “ex”?
Yes…No…Maybe.

It all depends on a number of dynamics. If seeing your ex only makes you feel worse, then no. If the two of you fight or argue (maybe just like the “old days”), then no again.

But if the two of you can have a good conversation, or better yet, a healing conversation, then sure, go ahead and see each other. Can the two of you celebrate the wonderful times you spent together? Can you tell each other what you appreciate about each other? Can you, in a loving way, also share with each other what didn’t work, or what was unacceptable?

Perhaps you can even kindle a friendship from this. Give this all the time it needs and don’t try to rush it.

Remember that this may be a very vulnerable time and you may not be seeing things clearly if there is still a lot of emotion going on.

4. How should people who have separated but have children together behave around one another? What if one partner is mean to the other?
This is a very important element, perhaps even the most important. The children did not do anything to cause this, as this is between the two of you. So at least agree on one rule: Do NOT put the children in the middle nor use them as pawns.

At the very least, speak of each other in a neutral way. Try, however, to be complimentary of each other. And if you think you can hide feelings of anger or resentment from your kids, you’re mistaken. They’ll pick up on it, although they most likely will not say anything about it.

Allow the children to talk about their feelings, but also give them their space. Be respectful of them.

If one parent is mean, just make sure you don’t respond in the same way. Also, even though that would be a great opportunity to speak negatively about your ex, don’t do it. Again, at the very least, stay neutral.

If the kids want to talk about the other parent’s anger or meanness, allow them the safe space to do so.

If this is an ongoing dynamic, then bringing a professional counselor into the mix would be highly recommended.

5. How should you talk about your partner in front of your children?
Again, at least be neutral, and try your very best to be positive and complimentary.

6. What should people do as they recover from a broken heart?
This is a time for recovery and recovery takes many different paths for different people. Some depression is normal, although you don’t want to “feed” the depression. Sunshine, fresh air and gently moving the body are all good natural antidotes for this type of situational depression. Use your support system and surround yourself with compassionate and understanding people. Realize, however, that some people don’t know what to do or what to say, so sometimes they do or say things that can be counterproductive.

Music, dance and artwork are all forms of self-expression that can be very helpful in the healing process.

Joining a support group or a therapy group can also be beneficial.

But remember that recovery takes time and there is no hurry to “get back out there.”

It’s wise to thoroughly review what happened, when you’re ready, and see what you can learn…see what you can carry forward to improve your life and your future relationships.

7. What should people NOT do as they recover from a broken heart?
The worse things you can do:

• Immediately start dating again. You’ll most likely carry all the hurt, anger and whatever else you’re feeling right into the next relationship. Also, you’re thinking and “picking mechanism” is not going to be grounded and clear during this time, so you’re most likely to get into something that could be highly dysfunctional.

• Get into the blame game. It’s easy to take the other person’s inventory and look at everything they did wrong or bad, even if they did do inappropriate things. But what’s the point? The more time and energy you spend focused on that, the longer it’ll take you to move on.

• Get into the victim mentality. How about this: It’s no one’s fault. It just happened…period. Even though it might not make sense and even though there may be many unanswered questions, this is the time to heal and begin to move forward. Instead of getting into “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I can’t believe he-she did this to me,” or how about “live and let live,” as the people in AA say, just pay attention to what you need right now.

This also includes getting into lengthy discussions with your friends about how bad he or she was. It’s time to release and mend your own heart. Staying focused on the pain will only keep you focused on the pain.

8. When is the best time to start dating again after your heart has been broken?
There is no defined timetable as this depends a lot on each person and each unique relationship situation. Better to go slow than fast, as a rule. Socializing with your friends is great, probably sooner than later, but dating needs to have no rush. Many people dive into another relationship as a way to avoid the pain from the former one and usually only make things worse for themselves. When you do start to date again, go slow. Ask a lot of questions and remember what you learned from you past relationship. Perhaps your last relationship opened some insights to yourself; things you didn’t know about yourself previously. Play those new insights forward and create new boundaries for yourself. Be cautious, but also keep shuffling your feet forward.

Funny how we say “fall” in love when the word fall typically means something not so good. Maybe this next time you’ll gracefully tip-toe into love or walk into love.

(This is also where I’d want to put in a shameless plug for Marry YourSelf First, but they aren’t allowing any free PR!)

9. What advice do you have for people who are having trouble opening their hearts up again after a breakup?
Sometimes this happens and it is quite common and normal. This is where it may be good to seek out a professional counselor to help free you up. The mind sometimes plays tricks on us, causing us to think there is still some threat, when actually there is not. Go slow, use your support system thoroughly, including your counselor, and ask a lot of questions and evaluate. It’s okay to go slow…go as slow as you need. Take care of you!

10. How should you approach dating after going through a breakup?
Go slow and be thorough. Remember what you’ve learned. Think from your head, not your heart, meaning you need to make sure that you’re clear about your deal-makers and deal-breakers and that you stick to your boundaries and limits. If you’re not sure about all this, then it’s time to get clear. Use your support system to help, or maybe even a counselor if you can’t figure this out for yourself.

11. What is the best advice you can give to someone going through a breakup?
Decide that it’s done if it’s truly done and begin to heal, recover and move on. Too many people go back and forth unnecessarily, causing more pain. If you haven’t done everything possible, then perhaps you’ll want to get a counselor involved, but at some point you have to decide to either repair the relationship, or move on.
Limbo-land will drain the life out of you.

Surround yourself with truly loving, supportive and compassionate people. Don’t allow the negative people to bombard you with conversation about how bad he or she was.

Leave Your Comments Below…

And Marry YourSelf First Every Day!

It was one of the better
interviews I’ve been a part of.

Of course, host of the show and
friend Michael McCleary,
does a great job…
he made it easy for me…
and fun!!

I know you’ll like it…
so will your friends…
go ahead…
impress them with who you know!

Still giving away f*r*e*e*
Marry YourSelf First! workbooks…
get yours here.

Happy Friday!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Marry YourSelf First!

Love Yourself Before You Love Again

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to register!

I received a recent question from www.AskKenDonaldson.com about relationship problems coming from dysfunctional relationship patterns.

Specifically, this person keeps getting into dating relationships which fail and she ends up hurt and heart-broken….AND the guy seems to always go back to his ex-girlfriend!

This is  a very common dynamic that I see causing many unnecessary relationship issues and relationship problems.

A little relationship counseling usually can correct these patterns.

Watch it closely, take notes and pass it on!

Click here to view the embedded video.

And as always, Marry YourSelf First! to prevent this from happening to you!

It’s my “job” to hear – and respond to – all the relationship problems and the relationship issues.

Here’s one of the latest – and most interesting- questions from www.AskKenDonaldson.com

“John” writes: “I’m 85 but feeling like 25 right now as I’ve had
the close friendship of a 40ish beautiful woman who wants me
around for 40 more years. She loves me, BUT NOT ROMANTICALLY…”

There’s much more and I made a video especially for John and everyone else
who’s struggling with similar relationship dynamics…here it is:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Where do you start?…

Marry YourSelf First!

I was driving to get a cup of early morning coffee today when
I quickly noticed the beautiful full moon setting in the western sky.
It reminded me of a poem I wrote a while back…
which, in turn, reminded me of a time when I read the poem
at a very important event. Here’s the whole story…

In my role as a relationship counselor, I have realized
the absolute  importance of  Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers
for your happiness in life.

Just in case you’re not clear about Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers,
here’s a quick little review for you:

Deal-Makers – These are the non-negotiable absolutely, positively,
got-to-have characteristics, attributes, qualities, behaviors and/or involvements
that you have to have from another person. If you accept someone who does
not have these, you will set yourself up for unnecessary disappointment.
Never lower your standards or else you lower your self-esteem.

Deal-Breakers – These are the non-negotiable, absolutely, positively,
will-not-accept-ever-ever-ever traits, qualities, behaviors, attitudes and/or
involvements of another person. If you make an exception, you automatically
discount yourself, violate your own boundaries and set yourself up for
unnecessary pain and heartache.

Basically, this is Boundaries 101!

Many years ago, as I struggling with my own Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers,
I found myself writing a poem which helped me to clarify these important dynamics.

This poem, The Yin and Yang of Perfect Love, has been my guiding light ever since
I wrote it many years ago…it’s always steered me in the best direction.

As it turned out, I read this poem a couple years ago as I was the
Marriage Officiant for a couple friends of mine (Beautiful Tina and Amazing Alex).

Let me digress for a moment, as I’m sure you’ll enjoy the photo from this amazing ceremony:

(Yes, that’s me, the Buddha-looking guy in the middle!)

And I figured since this is the last day of the Love Month,
it’d be appropriate to share this poem with you.

So here it is:

The Yin and Yang of Perfect Love

I am the sun…you are the moon
and you do reflect my every tune

You are the earth and water am I
together we mix creating no lie

I am the wind…you’re the clouds up so high
our energy intermingled all through the sky

You are the fire…I am the wood
together we burn as Life says we should

I am the night…you are the stars
we fill the universe from here to afar

You are the Eagle and I am the sky
we’ll take this here Love and fly it so high

When you are cloudy, I’ll be the sun
and you do same when I’m feeling done

When I’m a river, you’ll be the stone
gently I’ll cleanse you, no more all alone

You be the sunrise, my fog you’ll break through
together we make the sweet morning dew

I am the storm and rainbow are you
complementary energy…we give Life it’s due

Yes, you are the Eagle…I’ll be the tree
a place you may perch from, but fly as you please

And you be the earth for all my roots
together our energy creates loving fruit

And finally I say, let’s answer Life’s call:
Grow as we dance and rise from each fall

Okay, if for some reason you have not written your
Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers list, do it now…
it matters not if it’s a poetic version and just a list.

Write it…follow it…and live it!

THIS LIST is THE #1 element that is very often ignored in
the Law of Attraction formula.

You’ll only attract to you what you truly want when you live in integrity with yourself.

Sorta like Marry YourSelf First! Gee, where have you heard that before?!!

1.) They don’t clearly know what they’re looking for. If you want a Mercedes, you have to look for a Mercedes. It would helpful to shop at places that have Mercedes and talk with people who have Mercedes or at least know people who have Mercedes. If you go to Kmart thinking that you’ll find a Mercedes you’ll set yourself up for a Yugo. Too many women have little or no direction for what they truly want in a relationship, therefore they end up having no compass or direction for finding a quality guy.

Solution: Make a list…a written list of your Deal-Makers (the “have to have” list) and Deal-Breakers (the “will never, never, never tolerate” list). Then, simply follow the list.

2.) They don’t stick to their boundaries, limits and parameters. “Thou shalt not settle” should be the 11th commandment. Too many women settle for beneath their standards. They fall prey to the “scarcity myth”, believing that they won’t find the right guy. Can you hear that song from the 70’s: Bad Love Is Better Than No Love?

Solution: Okay, so you made your Deal-Maker and Deal-Breaker list but you’re not sticking to it because “it’s too hard” or “maybe I’m asking for too much” or “there aren’t any good guys left out there.” If so, then it’s time for some accountability. Get yourself an accountability partner who won’t let you manipulate your success formula, or hire a coach to help you.

3.) They don’t assert themselves. Women can get into fear and not assert themselves. Yes, the guy is “supposed” to lead and make the advances. At least that’s what we’ve been taught. So you find, know or see someone who might be a fit and you don’t take the initiative? Why not? Usually it’s fear: Fear of rejection, fear of being perceived as overly assertive (the “B” word) and/or fear of seeming to be “too forward.” The new F.E.A.R.: Face Everything And Rejoice!

Solution: There is only one way to build a new behavior: Action, action and more action. Every chance you have, assert yourself. Ask for what you what, need and/or desire. Start by practicing at the grocery store: Ask for a paper bag instead of plastic.

4.) They go too fast. The best relationships, and those which last the longest, are cooked in the slow-cooker, not the microwave. Too many women allow the relationship to progress too fast and can often appear to be needy or desperate. This only attracts needy, desperate guys, and will drive away the healthy guys. Go slow…be like molasses and enjoy the ride! There is a balance between conscious assertiveness and blind (hormone driven) recklessness.

Solution: Once again, write yourself out a “relationship game plan.” Be clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay; the order you want everything to occur; and then have either an accountability partner or a coach to help both your accountability and your awareness. The neuro-romantic hormones can be very powerful in distorting one’s reality. Just like “driving under the influence” is not a good idea, “deciding under the influence” can be tricky too.

5.) They self-sabotage success. These can all be viewed as forms of self-sabotage, but this is a particular niche: The fear of success. Usually because of old, old, unhealed wounds from childhood or past relationships, many women actually subconsciously fear the intimacy and vulnerability necessary for high quality relationships. When they start to feel too close, too connected or too committed, they subconsciously hit the self-destruct button. Yes, the fear of success is alive and well.

Solution: This is the most difficult piece to do by yourself, so I’m going to suggest that you consider hiring a coach or a therapist to break through old patterns. If you seem to keep coming up short, then something is going on beneath the surface and you’ll want to get to the root of it or else you’re likely to repeat the same pattern. Marry YourSelf First is the mantra I’d ask you to say, think and act on, every day in every way.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Okay, now it’s time for you to join me (relationship counselor Ken Donaldson…that’s me!!) and get a dose of Marry YourSelf First! so you’re clear about your life purpose, have the best communication skills, get more balance in life, and have the highest quality personal boundaries…all because it’s ”My Birthday!”  

Marry YourSelf First!!