Here are some common questions people ask:

• Why do people set themselves up for bad relationships when they know the other person doesn’t share their necessary values?
• Why would someone who knows they have a drug or alcohol problem continue to drink or use drugs?
• Why do people get involved with someone if they know there’s a deal-breaker already there (i.e. drugs, alcohol, children, religion, etc.)?
• If someone knew they could do something very simple to feel better, why would they choose to continue to feel bad?
• Don’t people understand that if they settle for less in the beginning, they always get even less in the end?

There’s actually one word that ties these questions together…

Change.

People don’t like to change.

Most people don’t change.

Most people don’t think they need to change.

Some research suggests that 95% of the population tries NOT to change.

Yes…they resist change.

The irony is that you really can’t resist change as it’s happening all the time, all around you, whether you like it, or want it, or not.

But can you convince someone who doesn’t want to change that change would do them good?

Yes…no…maybe…it depends.

But the problem is the human brain.

And while it would appear that some people making really bad and self-destructive choices are more suffering from brain damage, it’s actually not that.

It’s the “reptile brain.”

The reptile brain, also referred to as the reptilian brain or lizard brain, is the oldest part of our brain and connected directly to our spinal cord.

The primary purpose of the reptile brain is survival and protection.

If you literally watch lizards you’ll see them automatically defend their turf through behaviors like head-bobbing which demonstrates assertive and aggressive posturing.

They automatically go into protective and survival mode whenever they feel threatened.

Sometimes they run and sometimes they attack.

They never sit still for very long.

They don’t like change…at all.

People who tend to engage in obsessive-compulsive behavior, rituals or superstitious thinking are all being governed by the reptile brain.

Likewise, people who continue to do the same thing over and over (behavior slaves), are also being dominated by the reptile brain.

The bottom-line is that people are programmed to resist change because this reptile part of the brain interprets change as potentially dangerous.

So is there no hope then for these people?

Actually, yes, there is…in fact, more hope today than ever.

The one dynamic every self-help book has in common is that they all support change.

Every personal growth and development program does the same.

So do all the 12-step programs and other related recovery programs.

The question, then, and really the ONLY question, is:
Are you open to change?

Many people will stay in their familiar and predictable patterns only because the patterns are familiar and predicable.

You can invite, challenge or dare someone else to change.

You can even threaten them with losing something if they don’t.

But in the end, the other person has to want it more than you.

Then you may be left asking yourself, “What do I need to do to change in myself to make this all more accepting?”

This is a hard pill to swallow especially if you really care about the other person.

This is, in fact, where most codependency is born.

It’s about caring so much that you actually begin to overstep what you’re responsible for and try to do for the other person what they in fact need to do for themselves.

Good thing you can turn to counselors who specialize in facilitating change for help.

And the Serenity Prayer is a good reminder as well:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people);
The courage to change the things I can (yourself);
And the wisdom to know the difference (boundaries and letting go).

Yes, people can manage the reptile brain.

They have to want to first.

Then, they must have the awareness and deliberately step over, around, or just ignore the unnecessary warning signals altogether.

In the end, change is always good.

It’s happening anyway so you might as well learn to go with it rather than against it.

Read more from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

Five words that can change your life: Hope, Cope, Survive, Thrive, Soar.

These five words can, do and will continue to change and save lives.

Hope: Not the wishful thinking (“I hope I win the lotto”) type, but “the true inner feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” (Dictionary.com)

Imagine if you knew how to instantaneously tap into hope whenever you needed it, for whatever reason.

Hope keeps you going in the face of doubt, fear and the great unknown.

Hope keeps you from giving up and, instead, develops your perseverance and persistence muscles.

Hope is the inner seed that is necessary to continue to go forward into action.

Cope: Once you have hope as your foundation, you can now go into action. Cope is “to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success.” (Dictionary.com)

When you cope you get by. No matter how small it might be, progress is made.

Coping is the beginning of creating positive momentum for your life.

You begin to see how your efforts are moving you forward.

You also know how to deal with challenges, struggles and even failure, and keep moving.

Hope + Cope = Survive

Survive means “to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some occurrence.” (Dictionary.com)

As you build on hope and cope, you develop survival skills. These skills begin to occur automatically because you have practiced them and have developed some confidence around them.

Surviving means you have gotten yourself to a place of stability…ground level zero.

You have recovered successfully.

Many people survive, but never grow past this point.

Many people get comfortable with surviving.

Remember, life is a progression:
Hope > Cope > Survive > Thrive

Thrive means “to prosper; be fortunate or successful, to grow or develop vigorously; flourish.” (Dictionary.com)

When you thrive you are building on the foundation of hope, well developed coping skills and having established yourself as a survivor.

Thriving is a willingness to go beyond the norm.

Beyond average.

Beyond mediocre.

Beyond what you already know and into the great unknown.

Thriving means to take significant risks, because you are going past where you’ve ever been and perhaps, as well, beyond where anyone else has been before.

Thriving means you are willing to stand up, stand out and make a stand for what you believe.

It means letting go of ego, fear and the need to impress others.

Thriving means to be not just outside the box, but to destroy the box and create your own new paradigm.

Perhaps this is the master success formula for life:
Hope + Cope + Survive + Thrive = Soar

Soar means “to rise or aspire to a higher or more exalted level.” (Dictionary.com)

Thriving sets the tone for soaring. Whereas thriving takes tremendous effort, soaring is the outcome from all that hard work, effort and risk

Just like an eagle soars in the thermals, you too will enjoy soaring through your life as you follow this progression.

Soaring is the positive consequence for hard work, many risks and always keeping the ego (and fear) in check.

Soaring does require a huge commitment to be extremely responsible and accountable due to your high level of visibility.

Many people choose not to soar because they don’t want to be seen as the “center of attention.”

Soaring is not accomplished to be in the limelight, although it often results in such.

To soar, you must shed your ego and have no worries what others will think, say or do in response to your soaring.

To soar is to have reached the pinnacle of life.

It is also from where you must be willing to be a role model at the highest level and a mentor to others who seek to accomplish the same.

Hope.
Cope.
Survive.
Thrive.
Soar.

These five words describe what we all need to stay on the positive side of life.

Addiction, depression and divorce, for example, scarcely exist when you live in the progression of hope, cope, survive, thrive and soar.

These are the stepping stones of greatness.

Will you step up, step out and step into your greatness?

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

Meet Joe Monks.
(http://www.joemonks.com/)

A blind film director.

Read it again: A blind film director.

Are you trying to figure out how that works?

Joe lost his eyesight in 2002 as the result of his long-time battle with diabetes, but he didn’t let that hold him back, as he wrote and directed The Bunker.

Joe recently received the Achievement in Cinema award at the 2011 Gasparilla International Film Festival.

(And The Bunker is being submitted to the Cannes Film Festival this year.)

Joe didn’t know he was going to have to give a speech at Gasparilla until about 10 minutes before he went on stage.

His impromptu speech was beyond “touching” as he challenged every participant present with his powerful oration.

He began by sharing with the audience the old cliché of “when one door closes…” but he put a brand new spin on it.

He suggested that we not look for another open door when the door closes, but rather, we need to remind ourselves that just because a door is closed, it doesn’t mean it’s locked.

So it’s our job to pick the lock, take off the hinges or break the damn door down (that’s what Joe said!)

Joe went on to use another cliché about dropping the infamous pebble into a pond and how the pebble creates ripples.

But he added his ever so pithy Joeism to it: Because of the award he won the pebble (his movie, The Bunker) is now a bigger pebble and his hopes are that one of the now bigger ripples will get someone’s attention and they’ll say “Joe Monks won an award?!! He sucks!!” (Again, Joe’s words here!)

And for those people, Joe simply says, “Come get some…the door is open.”

Joe Monks is quite an inspirational story, to say the least.

And he’s a guy who could very easily have fallen into depression because of what he “lost” or even gotten into some addictive behavior as a way to cope.

But instead, he has gone forward and done what no one has ever done before.

No one!

And his wife stands by his side.

Segue…

This month’s empowerment topic is: The “Other” A.D.D.: Addiction, Depression and Divorce…What to Know, What to Do and How to Make it All Stick

If you or your loved ones have been challenged by addiction, depression or divorce, keep your eyes and ears open as you’ll be receiving some useful information.

(Click here for a resource for you right now.)

And if you have challenges you’d like to get answers to, feel free to stop by www.AskKenDonaldson.com .

Bring ‘em on and let’s create some break-throughs like Joe’s.

And Marry YourSelf First!

The Daily Illuminating Dozen:

1. How many smiles did you cause today?

2. How many times, regardless of the fear, apprehension or discomfort, did you say “Yes!” to a bigger opportunity today?

3. How many times today did you ignore things (and people) that you may have normally (and probably irrationally) reacted to in the past?

4. How many times did you connect with the people you love today?

5. How many times did you encourage someone else (who really needed it) today?

6. How many times did you practice good self care (including doing nothing at all) today?

7. How many times did you eat healthy today?

8. How many times did you drink pure, fresh water today (even if you didn’t feel like it)?

9. How many times did you give anonymously (time, energy, talents and money) today?

10. How many people did you educate to help them improve their situation today?

11. How many times did you say something positive to yourself about yourself today?

12. How many unconditional hugs did you share today?

Leave your comments below…

Marry Your Self First!

“Life is full of risks anyway, why not take them?”

Lindsay Lohan is in the news again and besides the obvious and disturbing chain of events that she has imposed upon herself, this does make for an interesting case study about mental health, addiction and overall life balance.

Lindsay has had a couple of arrests and has been in and out of treatment for her mental health and substance abuse issues. One may think that someone who has this potential as a movie star would make choices to “clean up” their life.

Not that she has been the first “star” to succumb to drugs and alcohol.

In fact, it happens every day.

We every day people just don’t always hear about it.

But what are the big lessons here? What can we all learn from this (including Lindsay, hopefully!)?

1.) Drug and alcohol misuse, abuse and addiction are still alive and well. In spite of there being less news about these trends, they are still progressing in an expanding direction. For example, the prescription pain-killer epidemic is like the heroin craze from the 60s and 70s.

2.) Denial is king when it comes to addiction. Denial has many different variations. Minimizing, justifying, rationalizing, blaming others and intellectualizing are just a few of the different variations. The bottom-line is that denial is the #1 most common and powerful characteristic of any and all addictive behavior.

3.) Sometimes it’s not just addiction. There have been numerous reports that Lindsay is also suffering from clinical depression or bi-polar disorder. We’ll probably never know as that information is kept confidential. Nor do we need to know.

But here’s something to consider: People often turn to drugs and alcohol as an attempt to self-medicate themselves from ailments like depression, anxiety, panic and unresolved trauma. This is commonly referred to as “double trouble” as the combination of any of these emotional conditions with drugs or alcohol creates a negative synergistic result that can be deadly.

4.)  Don’t expect help to come knocking at your door. Usually the only time we really hear about drug and alcohol problems is when a celebrity has a problem and the media picks it up and reports on it. We are, in general, poorly equipped to know what to do with addiction. Additionally, and this is a bit of a kicker, many people are in denial about denial. People just don’t want to know and, therefore, don’t know what to do when the problem shows up in their friends, family or in themselves.

The good news is that recovery is not only possible, it’s actually quite simple.

However, don’t confuse simple with easy.

It’s not “easy” to break the addictive patterns of drugs and alcohol. The addictive energy is very powerful and will “fight” to stay alive. The people of Alcoholics Anonymous refer to this energy as “cunning, powerful and baffling.”

Here are the foundational, and simple, pieces to healthy and successful recovery from addiction, as well as the path to the best mental health:

• The Beatles said it best: I get by with a little help from my friends. Your support system is where you can go to talk about you and your challenges. They will hold you, hug you and love you, AND they will kick you in the butt when you need it. If you don’t have a solid support system, today is a good day to start.
• Balance: Know when your life is in balance and know when it’s out. Know the indicators.
• Boundaries: Create solid boundaries with others and with yourself. Boundaries are the core to a balanced life.  Know what to say “Yes” to and know what to say “No” to.
• Bliss: Know your life purpose and be passionate about it. Find and live your bliss in life.

Yes, Lindsay Lohan is in a tough situation. And let’s hope she gets it together.  More importantly, YOU have a chance now to review your life, make adjustments and make sure you create an “anti-addiction” life and the best mental health possible.

And, of course, you’ll create maximum life balance too.

Today is a good day to Marry YourSelf First!

More from Ken Donaldson here…

“Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished.  If you’re alive, it isn’t.”

Every day I hear people asking me this question, “Why am I so messed up?”

They don’t always say just exactly those words, although sometimes they do, but they say something similar and definitely with the same meaning.

So, why are WE so messed up?

The good news is that it all comes down to two things:

1.)   We don’t know what to do.

2.)   We just don’t do what we know to do.

Nice to know it’s that simple, right?!!

Let’s look at the first, the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.

Why would you know what to do?…who taught you?…where did you learn from?

See, most people have extreme emotional and relational deficits. Unless you went to some very, very non-mainstream school, you never had classes that taught you any of this. And because very few people really learned the art of handling emotions and relationships effectively, then it only makes sense that they would pass their deficits on to their children.

So it’s easy to see and understand the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.

Which brings us to number two: We just don’t do what we know to do.

This is the real kicker and here’s why: There are so many resources today to help people improve their lives. And much of it is absolutely free. Go to YouTube and you will find hours and hours of free, good coaching and education on emotional and relationship management. All free!

Do a Google search and you’ll find websites, blogs and forums that you can participate in and have ongoing conversations to seek out answers to all your challenges.

And if you’re willing to invest a few bucks in yourself, you can invest in books or audio and video programs that will bring the experts right into your home or office.

And if you want to go full out, then you can actually hire a professional coach or counselor to give you the 1:1 guidance you want to improve your life and relationships.

But everyone probably knows all this and they still just don’t do what they know to do.

Why?

It can only be one of a very few things:

1.)   Denial: “I don’t have any issues…really.”

2.)   Minimization: “It’s not that big of a deal.” (Which is a form of denial.)

3.)   Cynicism and blame: “Sure, I’ll change when she changes.”

4.)   Stupidity: “Duh.” (This doesn’t actually exist; some people just pretend that it does.)

So the REAL question is this: How badly do you want to improve your life?

Or maybe this one: How much pain, heartache, misery or depression do you want to endure in your life?

Yes, challenges are definitely part of life, but pain, heartache, misery and depression are all optional.

But it all comes back to you.

YOU have to choose to want a better life.

YOU have to choose to want better relationships.

YOU have to choose to want a better career path.

YOU have to choose to want better health.

YOU have to choose to want a better spiritual connection.

YOU have to choose to want better friends.

YOU have to choose to want a better you.

The really good news is that YOU are in total control of all that.

The next question is: When will you start?

If you want to be a victor, you must release being a victim!

“I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.”  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Marry YourSelf First!…Today!

Can I recover from a marital affair?

How do I deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do I do after infidelity?

Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?

Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.

But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?

Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.

However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.

Answer: ???????

Not such a good answer, right?

There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.

So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.

The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.

If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.

If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.

One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?

Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.

The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.

Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.

The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.

Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!

If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.

In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.

So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!

And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.

Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.

These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.

On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?

The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!

True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”

You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.

Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.

Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.

Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.

How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?

Can you recover from a marital affair?

How do you deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do you do after infidelity?

Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?

Yes…no…maybe.

But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.

Please leave your comments below…

Marry YourSelf First Every Day!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Independence Day

Sometimes I’m happy…..sometimes so sad

And times of bliss and sometimes just damn mad

I jump for joy….I’m wretched in pain

I have ecstatic moments and times of shame

I’m courageous at times and at times, I fear

I feel so sure….and doubt seems so near

An elated tear and a tear of grief

Confidence abounds, yet fear finds no relief

This is the package of this here life

From the pinnacle of joy to the valley of strife

It all adds color, but sometimes it’s black

Yet rainbows burst forth…emotions never lack

This roller coaster we can simply embrace

Not one single feeling must we ever disgrace

These are expressions form the depths of our Soul

It’s the Yin and the Yang of what makes us whole

So today I do say, “Know what you feel!!”

And embrace every feeling…you see, it’s part of the deal

Our feelings do tell us one thing for sure

We’re alive, yes alive, with emotion so pure

So on this fine day of Independence we say

Embrace yourself wholly as you sing, walk and pray

Realize the freedom you have to express

Now express every feeling and then get some rest!

Yes, express your emotions, and deny not a one

Be Independent like the moon, stars, earth and sun…

~ By Ken Donaldson…and made for you and your loved ones!

P.S. Today is a good day to Marry YourSelf First!

Would you ever deliberately disrupt your balance in life? Turn away love? Destroy success? No, of course not! So, why then, do people seem to engage in self-sabotaging behavior so frequently?

Why is it that someone would choose to do something they know, based on past experience, would NOT have a good outcome. In fact, why would someone choose to do something they know would have a negative outcome?

Are they insane?

No…of course not!

They just can’t see what they can’t see.

In other words, people don’t truly see the cause, or the roots, of “self-sabotaging” behavior.

It’s hidden…buried…deep beneath the surface.

Much like the, yes, roots of a tree: You can’t see them, but you know they exist because that’s what feeds the tree.

You too have roots that are buried that you may not be seeing fully.

SO…if there are certain behaviors that keep appearing in your life, disrupting your work life balance (and perhaps everything else!), it’s time for you to take a deeper look.

Start here with a very simple, but powerful, self-inventory:

1.) Review your childhood. What messages did you receive, directly or indirectly, from your primary caretakers (parents, teachers, church, sitters, etc.)?

2.) Were there events that occurred early in your life that may have dramatically influenced how you felt about yourself, felt about others and/or felt about life in general?

3.) Have there been recurring patterns of self-destructive or self-limiting behaviors in your life?

Add all this together and what you’ll probably see are some patterns…these are the influences that could very well be occurring beneath the surface in the subconscious part of your mind.

And the subconscious, much like the roots of a tree, is buried beneath the surface.

You can’t see it, but you can see the results: Self–sabotaging behaviors.

There are only a few basic beliefs that get formed in the subconscious that are problematic. Here they are:

1.) “I’m afraid of failing so I either try to be perfect or I don’t try at all.”

2.) “I’m afraid of rejection so I either do everything to keep people close to me (including rejecting my own values and boundaries) or I just settle for second-class relationships because I know they won’t leave me.”

3.) “I’m afraid of change so I do everything to maintain “status quo” including avoiding opportunities to advance myself because that would require change. I try to stay as invisible as possible.”

4.) “I’m afraid of success because I think I either can’t handle it or I’ll mess it up, so I do everything I can to avoid success, including “self-sabotaging” behavior.”

Do you see yourself anywhere in there?

If so, here’s what you do, plain and simple, if you have any of this funky stuff going on in your “roots”: Do the opposite! That’s right, just do the opposite!

Fear of failing? Go make many, many mistakes…celebrate mistakes!

Fear of rejection? Go let yourself be rejected over and over…celebrate your efforts!

Fear of change? Go try as may new and different things as you can…celebrate your willingness!

Fear of success? Go and do all those things you’ve wanted to do, planned to do or thought about doing. Do them over and over and do NOT allow yourself to quit. Surround yourself with a support system that will cheer you on and never let you quit…celebrate your success!

Break the spell…break the old trance…create new roots.

That’s how it’s done!

Have YOU been your own worst enemy in the past?

Are you ready to start new patterns in your life? For the rest of your life?

Want more love? More success? More happiness? More health? More balance in your life?

Then break the spells that have been operating beneath the surface…make new roots for your tree of life!

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~Winston Churchill

And, of course, Marry YourSelf First!

And Leave  Comment Or Two Below!

Yeah, that’s right, friends!

If you’ll take 10 minutes right now to watch and listen to my freinds, you’ll be reminded of your dreams and your greatness.

Then, go do that “thing”…whatever it is..go live your dream…and never give up!

Click here to view the embedded video.

And Marry YourSelf First!

So, what do YOU think? Leave your comments below…