Ken Donaldson Answers:Why Am I So Messed Up?
“Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you’re alive, it isn’t.” ~Richard Bach
Every day I hear people asking me this question, “Why am I so messed up?”
They don’t always say just exactly those words, although sometimes they do, but they say something similar and definitely with the same meaning.
So, why are WE so messed up?
The good news is that it all comes down to two things:
1.) We don’t know what to do.
2.) We just don’t do what we know to do.
Nice to know it’s that simple, right?!!
Let’s look at the first, the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.
Why would you know what to do?…who taught you?…where did you learn from?
See, most people have extreme emotional and relational deficits. Unless you went to some very, very non-mainstream school, you never had classes that taught you any of this. And because very few people really learned the art of handling emotions and relationships effectively, then it only makes sense that they would pass their deficits on to their children.
So it’s easy to see and understand the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.
Which brings us to number two: We just don’t do what we know to do.
This is the real kicker and here’s why: There are so many resources today to help people improve their lives. And much of it is absolutely free. Go to YouTube and you will find hours and hours of free, good coaching and education on emotional and relationship management. All free!
Do a Google search and you’ll find websites, blogs and forums that you can participate in and have ongoing conversations to seek out answers to all your challenges.
And if you’re willing to invest a few bucks in yourself, you can invest in books or audio and video programs that will bring the experts right into your home or office.
And if you want to go full out, then you can actually hire a professional coach or counselor to give you the 1:1 guidance you want to improve your life and relationships.
But everyone probably knows all this and they still just don’t do what they know to do.
Why?
It can only be one of a very few things:
1.) Denial: “I don’t have any issues…really.”
2.) Minimization: “It’s not that big of a deal.” (Which is a form of denial.)
3.) Cynicism and blame: “Sure, I’ll change when she changes.”
4.) Stupidity: “Duh.” (This doesn’t actually exist; some people just pretend that it does.)
So the REAL question is this: How badly do you want to improve your life?
Or maybe this one: How much pain, heartache, misery or depression do you want to endure in your life?
Yes, challenges are definitely part of life, but pain, heartache, misery and depression are all optional.
But it all comes back to you.
YOU have to choose to want a better life.
YOU have to choose to want better relationships.
YOU have to choose to want a better career path.
YOU have to choose to want better health.
YOU have to choose to want a better spiritual connection.
YOU have to choose to want better friends.
YOU have to choose to want a better you.
The really good news is that YOU are in total control of all that.
The next question is: When will you start?
If you want to be a victor, you must release being a victim!
“I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.” ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
Marry YourSelf First!…Today!
Marital Affair, Marriage Infidelity and Betrayal: How to Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage or Relationship
How do I rebuild trust after betrayal?
Can I recover from a marital affair?
How do I deal with marriage infidelity?
What do I do after infidelity?
Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?
Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.
But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?
Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.
However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.
Answer: ???????
Not such a good answer, right?
There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.
So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.
The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.
If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.
If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.
One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?
Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.
The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.
Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.
The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.
Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!
If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.
In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.
So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!
And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.
Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.
These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.
On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?
The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!
True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”
You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.
Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.
Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.
Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.
How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?
Can you recover from a marital affair?
How do you deal with marriage infidelity?
What do you do after infidelity?
Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?
Yes…no…maybe.
But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.
Please leave your comments below…
Marry YourSelf First Every Day!
Ken Donaldson, Independence Day Movie and Marry YourSelf First
The Independence Day Movie…just for YOU!!
Independence Day
Sometimes I’m happy…..sometimes so sad
And times of bliss and sometimes just damn mad
I jump for joy….I’m wretched in pain
I have ecstatic moments and times of shame
I’m courageous at times and at times, I fear
I feel so sure….and doubt seems so near
An elated tear and a tear of grief
Confidence abounds, yet fear finds no relief
This is the package of this here life
From the pinnacle of joy to the valley of strife
It all adds color, but sometimes it’s black
Yet rainbows burst forth…emotions never lack
This roller coaster we can simply embrace
Not one single feeling must we ever disgrace
These are expressions form the depths of our Soul
It’s the Yin and the Yang of what makes us whole
So today I do say, “Know what you feel!!”
And embrace every feeling…you see, it’s part of the deal
Our feelings do tell us one thing for sure
We’re alive, yes alive, with emotion so pure
So on this fine day of Independence we say
Embrace yourself wholly as you sing, walk and pray
Realize the freedom you have to express
Now express every feeling and then get some rest!
Yes, express your emotions, and deny not a one
Be Independent like the moon, stars, earth and sun…
~ By Ken Donaldson…and made for you and your loved ones!
P.S. Today is a good day to Marry YourSelf First!
Want more love, success and balance in your life? Get to the root of self-sabotaging behavior!
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss
Would you ever deliberately disrupt your balance in life? Turn away love? Destroy success? No, of course not! So, why then, do people seem to engage in self-sabotaging behavior so frequently?
Why is it that someone would choose to do something they know, based on past experience, would NOT have a good outcome. In fact, why would someone choose to do something they know would have a negative outcome?
Are they insane?
No…of course not!
They just can’t see what they can’t see.
In other words, people don’t truly see the cause, or the roots, of “self-sabotaging” behavior.
It’s hidden…buried…deep beneath the surface.
Much like the, yes, roots of a tree: You can’t see them, but you know they exist because that’s what feeds the tree.
You too have roots that are buried that you may not be seeing fully.
SO…if there are certain behaviors that keep appearing in your life, disrupting your work life balance (and perhaps everything else!), it’s time for you to take a deeper look.
Start here with a very simple, but powerful, self-inventory:
1.) Review your childhood. What messages did you receive, directly or indirectly, from your primary caretakers (parents, teachers, church, sitters, etc.)?
2.) Were there events that occurred early in your life that may have dramatically influenced how you felt about yourself, felt about others and/or felt about life in general?
3.) Have there been recurring patterns of self-destructive or self-limiting behaviors in your life?
Add all this together and what you’ll probably see are some patterns…these are the influences that could very well be occurring beneath the surface in the subconscious part of your mind.
And the subconscious, much like the roots of a tree, is buried beneath the surface.
You can’t see it, but you can see the results: Self–sabotaging behaviors.
There are only a few basic beliefs that get formed in the subconscious that are problematic. Here they are:
1.) “I’m afraid of failing so I either try to be perfect or I don’t try at all.”
2.) “I’m afraid of rejection so I either do everything to keep people close to me (including rejecting my own values and boundaries) or I just settle for second-class relationships because I know they won’t leave me.”
3.) “I’m afraid of change so I do everything to maintain “status quo” including avoiding opportunities to advance myself because that would require change. I try to stay as invisible as possible.”
4.) “I’m afraid of success because I think I either can’t handle it or I’ll mess it up, so I do everything I can to avoid success, including “self-sabotaging” behavior.”
Do you see yourself anywhere in there?
If so, here’s what you do, plain and simple, if you have any of this funky stuff going on in your “roots”: Do the opposite! That’s right, just do the opposite!
Fear of failing? Go make many, many mistakes…celebrate mistakes!
Fear of rejection? Go let yourself be rejected over and over…celebrate your efforts!
Fear of change? Go try as may new and different things as you can…celebrate your willingness!
Fear of success? Go and do all those things you’ve wanted to do, planned to do or thought about doing. Do them over and over and do NOT allow yourself to quit. Surround yourself with a support system that will cheer you on and never let you quit…celebrate your success!
Break the spell…break the old trance…create new roots.
That’s how it’s done!
Have YOU been your own worst enemy in the past?
Are you ready to start new patterns in your life? For the rest of your life?
Want more love? More success? More happiness? More health? More balance in your life?
Then break the spells that have been operating beneath the surface…make new roots for your tree of life!
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~Winston Churchill
And, of course, Marry YourSelf First!
And Leave Comment Or Two Below!
Ken Donaldson Introduces Rocky, Sylvester Stallone and Tony Robbins
I’d like to inspire you and introduce you to some friends of mine: Rocky, Sylvester Stallone and Tony Robbins.
Yeah, that’s right, friends!
If you’ll take 10 minutes right now to watch and listen to my freinds, you’ll be reminded of your dreams and your greatness.
Then, go do that “thing”…whatever it is..go live your dream…and never give up!
And Marry YourSelf First!
So, what do YOU think? Leave your comments below…
Marry YourSelf First! Audio
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