Those Cheating Hearts and Why They – And Their Partners – Don’t Change
I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.
Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.
Why do people cheat?
Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.
All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.
But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…
You get the picture, right?
The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.
But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?
Wow! These numbers are not so common.
And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”
Sorry to be the bearer of the news.
The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.
This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.
So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?
Answer: It’s “easier” not to.
The problem is that “easier” is often not better.
But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.
We are a “change ignorant” people.
(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)
Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.
But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.
Sound contradictory?
Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”
And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.
The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.
Just four simple points:
1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.
2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.
3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.
4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.
Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.
But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?
AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.
Start today: Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson: Get Smarter and Raise Your Relational Intelligence
You’ve seen the obvious trends: Increased numbers of divorces, more frequent domestic violence and an overall decrease in relationship intelligence.
We’re becoming relationship dummies.
It’s time to get smart and raise your Relational Intelligence (RQ)!
But how do you raise your RQ?
Let’s start by understanding three components of a highly intelligent relationship culture and what it takes to make healthy relationships:
First, let’s all learn how to effectively deal with conflict and differences.
Second, let’s practice commitment and apply commitment actions to make relationships last.
Third, let’s all be good relationship role models for our children and for future generations.
When we do that, we begin to break the dysfunctional cycle of divorce and domestic violence!
Additionally, it’s wise to know the healthy stages of the relationship continuum. Yes, relationships grow and develop through stages and if you don’t know the stages, then you’re bound to get lost and create relationship havoc for yourself and others.
It’s also worthwhile to know what the most common divorce predictors and indicators of relationship failure are. Always good to know what the early warning signs are!
Perhaps the biggest piece of relationship intelligence is knowing how to effectively communicate, especially with emotionally charged issues.
This is commonly referred to as the “intentional dialogue” and it has very specific techniques that help the people in the conversation stay in the conversation and manage the emotional state of the conversation.
As odd as it may sound, it’s also wise to create a proactive “Relationship Success Plan.” Actually, this only sounds odd because most people don’t do it. Always best to do this before you’re in a relationship, but is equally as valuable to create once you are in a relationship.
When you apply new methods of creating positive rituals in relationships, you also increase your RQ.
And when you understand how to increase positive energy in your relationships, your RQ is raised as well.
It’s time for us to realize that relationship education is no longer an option…it’s mandatory. Reading, writing and arithmetic are not going to prevent divorce, domestic violence or depression. We need life skills training that targets confidence building, self esteem enhancement and basic conflict resolution skills. This is the start to creating healthier individuals who can then create healthier relationships.
It’s time to create relationship education that will change our relationship priorities…that will make us relationally smarter….and raise our RQ!
I invite you to do something to help break these patterns and create a happy, healthy and more harmonious legacy for our future generations.
Go ahead…I dare you!
And Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson and The Daily Illuminating Dozen
The Daily Illuminating Dozen:
1. How many smiles did you cause today?
2. How many times, regardless of the fear, apprehension or discomfort, did you say “Yes!” to a bigger opportunity today?
3. How many times today did you ignore things (and people) that you may have normally (and probably irrationally) reacted to in the past?
4. How many times did you connect with the people you love today?
5. How many times did you encourage someone else (who really needed it) today?
6. How many times did you practice good self care (including doing nothing at all) today?
7. How many times did you eat healthy today?
8. How many times did you drink pure, fresh water today (even if you didn’t feel like it)?
9. How many times did you give anonymously (time, energy, talents and money) today?
10. How many people did you educate to help them improve their situation today?
11. How many times did you say something positive to yourself about yourself today?
12. How many unconditional hugs did you share today?
Leave your comments below…
Marry Your Self First!
What Are Couples Doing Less In The Bedroom?
Intrigued?
The answer may NOT be what you were thinking!
Did you know that couples sleeping separately has become a new trend?
My friends at Fox 13 Good Day Tampa Bay asked me what my thoughts were about this trend and the impact on relationship harmony.
Watch and listen, and then leave your comments below!
Is the marital bed headed toward extinction?
New studies show that one in four American couples are saying good-night and then going their separate ways into separate beds. The National Association of Home Builders expects 60 percent of custom-built homes will be designed to have two master bedrooms by 2015!
So…why couples are sleeping apart? What are your thoguhts?
And Marry YourSelf First!
Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson Answers Why men do not talk
“Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” ~Steve Martin
“Why won’t he talk to me?”
Okay guys, you’re about to get slammed…don’t say you weren’t warned!
Guys have been getting a bad rap about their lack of openness in relationships for a long time. Maybe even since the beginning of time! And unfortunately, guys, there is quite a bit of truth and validity to all this.
And sure, you could blame your dad because he wasn’t a good role model, or you could even say you were a victim of the times. After all, big boys don’t laugh, cry, smile or get angry, right?!!
But let’s look at this without getting into the blame game or any kind of victim mentality…okay?
First look at why you might want to be more open. Here’s one huge reason: Because it makes her happy! So how about letting go of, “It doesn’t make any sense to me…” at least for now.
Think of this as a gift…More beautiful than a dozen fresh roses…Sweeter than the richest chocolate…Beyond the most sentimental card.
Not just any gift; it’s the gift of all gifts!
She wants to hear what’s going on in your world. She wants to hear your feelings and your thoughts and your fears and your dreams.
She wants to hear it all.
And then she wants you do to the same. It’s not hard. In fact, it’s actually quite simple. It’s called “Listening 101.”
It’s called the “Listening Thee Step” and it goes like this:
Step One: You give her your undivided attention. No TV. No cell phone. No computer. No nothing. Just you, listening fully to her and completely.
Easy…right?!!
Step Two (which goes along with Step One): No judgment or criticism about what she says. Just listen. Be interested in what’s going on in her world. If you don’t understand something, then ask for more information.
Wow…simple and easy!
Oh, almost forgot…
Step Three: Don’t try to fix her…she’s not broken. Maybe a bit emotional. Maybe a bit upset. Maybe a little scared or worried. Maybe even a little angry. But not broke.
That’s it. Do this daily and you’ll be on your way to creating the most fabulous relationship you could ever imagine.
But let’s get back to where we started. Yes, let’s get back to talking about you talking…talking more.
The essence of a relationship is the connection between two people. What does essence mean? This is the soul or the spirit of the relationship. It’s the core or the foundation. It’s the heart of the relationship.
And if the heart stops beating, or if it’s not taken care of properly, then the heart begins to whither and die.
And so does the relationship.
First there’s fighting and bickering, followed by power-struggles and resentment, and then the distance and avoidance happens, and then, as the relationship begins to gasp for fresh air, it dies a slow death.
Nasty sounding isn’t it!??
And it all can be saved, guys, if you’ll just open up more.
Here’s an easy way to make this a part of your regular routine: Every day pick a time to check in with her. Make it a time when she’s available and you’re available. Just ask how her day was. Then share with her what your day was like.
Yes…it’s that simple!
But there is another side to this, since the question was originally posed from the woman’s perspective.
Women, hear this: You cannot “make him” open up.
In fact, nobody can make anybody open up.
You are the only one who can do anything differently. And although you may not want to admit that, that is the way it is.
It’s always easier to try to get the other person (“him” in this case) to do something differently. And that’s probably because our eyes look outward and they don’t look inward.
It sometimes is very uncomfortable to look inward and ask yourself the really tough questions. Even if “he” is stubborn beyond belief, it’s still up to you to ask yourself what you can do differently in your interactions with him.
People (men, in this case) sometimes feel like they’re being attacked, when they are not. In this case, a different approach would be advised.
If someone responds in a defensive manner, don’t ignore it and don’t fight it, but be curious about it. Inquire about it. See what you can find out about this. And do this all with great compassion.
Here’s the bottom-line: When you change your tactics and you approach someone in a different way, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. There’s a possibility that “he” may respond differently.
So, “Why won’t he talk to me?” Start by having a different conversation. Both of you (guys…ladies!)! Use some new tactics. What have you got to lose? And, by the way, don’t get into analyzing the “why” question. That’s a waste of time. Better to ask yourself, “How?” How can you communicate differently? How can you respond differently? How can you be proactive differently?
Click here to get the free couples guide Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!
Leave a comment or two below…
And Marry YourSelf First Every Day in Every Way!
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