Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson and What to do with Insecurities and Jealousy that can Ruin Relationships
This is a dynamic that is, unfortunately, very commonplace in relationships today. Always know that if you’re feeling jealousy or have insecurities, it’s on you to resolve it. In other words, it’s YOUR issue!
It is a great opportunity for you to take a deep look inside yourself and really ask yourself, “What is it that I feel insecure or jealous about? What is it about ME that’s causing this?” If you have insecure feelings with somebody else or have jealousy, know that’s just a projection…a projection of something going on deep inside of you.
Yes, it’s so much easier for us to look outwardly and put the focus on another person and try to make it about them. To even look at the other person and say, “They did this that caused me to feel jealous or insecure.”
But that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. If somebody is doing something that is that outlandish, or that’s breaking trust, that is an obvious deal-breaker and you need to think about why you’re in that relationship…period!
But what CAN YOU do about these insecurities and feelings of jealousy? First, it’s good to know that this most likely comes from some place deep inside that is typically connected to an old wound. In fact, it often comes from events that have occurred very early in life.
(Side note: This would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)
It’s time to do a thorough examination and inventory of yourself and your history, and ask yourself:
• What were the primary messages that I received about myself?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my self-worth?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my identity?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my looks?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my capabilities?
• What were the primary messages that I received about others?
• What were the primary messages that I received about relationships?
These messages are not always obvious and often they may have been expressed in a more subtle way. Through looks, body language, facial expressions or even silence. So even though you may have been brought up in a really healthy and normal environment, there may have been some other things that you picked up on that were just really subtle messages. And you may have made you own conclusions based on incorrect assumptions or interpretations.
But really ask yourself this one core question: How did I feel about myself when I was growing up. And then also ask yourself:
• What’s my history in past relationships?
• Have I been burned?
• Have I been taken advantage of?
• Have I been cheated on?
• Is there any unresolved energy there that’s starting to rear its ugly head?
Here’s the bottom-line to this whole jealousy and insecurity issue: Things that are unresolved from childhood or past relationships will continually come up until you put them to rest!
If you leave a relationship, the issues will follow you to the next and the next and the next…in fact, you’ll probably even pick the same kind of person because there is so much unresolved energy going on at a subconscious level.
The message to the subconscious mind has to be that the “war” is over, all is now safe, and it’s now time for peace. When there are significant unresolved issues, our mind can get stuck at the subconscious level and play over and over like a broken record. This is particularly true when there has been something really traumatic. And if you don’t know how to “scratch the record” and get it to jump into the present, then it’ll keep playing that at a subconscious level.
Start with these simple exercises:
1. Write an uncensored letter to any and all past partners who you felt had hurt or betrayed you in any way. Write all your feelings and emotions. Write until you can’t write any more. Then have a ceremony and burn the letters. Release the resentment…Release the grudge…Release the hurt.
2. Imagine that you bring “younger you” into the present. What would you want to express to him or her about life…relationships…and him or herself? Think about how you would affirm, acknowledge, support, care for, love and protect that younger part of you. Do this daily and create a “corrective experience.”
So, if you find yourself feeling jealous and insecure, it is a great time for YOU to do some healing and growing…embrace the moment!
(Second side note: Again, this would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)
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And Marry YourSelf First! every day in every way!
Ken Donaldson: D.W. Waters Graduating Class and I Dare You…Too!
Ken Donaldson Keynote at D.W. Waters Graduation
I had the privilege and honor on this past Thursday evening of delivering the graduation keynote for the D.W. Waters class of 2010.
Just to give you a little insight, D.W. Waters’ motto is “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish that counts!”
No big deal, right?
Wrong!
This is a WAY special class…check out their enrollment criteria:
• At least 16 years of age
• At least one year behind in school
• No record of severe discipline problems
• Wants to focus on a chosen Career Cluster at DWWCC (D. W. Waters Career Center)
• Willing to commit to workplace training (OJT)
These are the students who make “high risk” look like every day living. For whatever reason (pregnancy, emotional and/or learning challenges, abuse, etc.), these courageous young people chose to continue on.
Most of them were so far behind that they couldn’t even imagine catching up, much less graduating.
And it would have been easier to quit!
A group of about 12 students sang the musical selection for the ceremony, I Believe I Can Fly. A perfect song for the students, the school and the event.
Here are the lyrics in case you’re not familiar with song:
“I Believe I Can Fly”
~R. KELLY
I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I’m leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Hey, cause I believe in me, oh
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly
I can fly
I can fly, hey
If I just spread my wings
I can fly
Fly-eye-eye
Anyway, I thought long and hard about what to say to them.
So I decided to dare them…yes, I simply dared them…
I dared them to find and be the greatness that they truly are.
I dared them to find their unique purpose and live it every day in every way.
I dared them to find their own personal soul food and to continually, without fail, feed their spirit.
I dare them to figure out, set and maintain the boundaries that will empower them, to say a resounding “Yes” to all they do want, need and desire, and say a resonant “No” to all they will not tolerate.
I dared them to realize that the world needs them today more than ever, and the answers to the world’s problems will not come from Washington or Hollywood, but rather, from each and every one of them.
I dared them to surround themselves with the people who love them, accept them and encourage them, and to step away from those who don’t.
I dared them to tell themselves, time and time again, that they are deserving, gifted and of great value, and to say that to themselves as their powerful and affirming mantra.
I dared them to realize that life is full of unexpected challenges (I mentioned this as a very young child in the audience began to express herself in a very assertive way!) and one of the greatest gifts we can all give to ourselves is the gift of humor, which allows us to be flexible and fluid as we navigate down the river of life.
I dared them to remind that person in the mirror of their greatness, their importance, their value and their purpose, time and time and time again.
Yes, I simply dared them to be great.
Them, their parents, their friends, the teachers, and everyone else who was there on Thursday…I dared them all.
But the greatest dare I addressed was the dare to myself…to live what I said; to practice what I preached; to be the model of the dare.
What about you…have you dared yourself lately?
I dare you…
PS I hope to have a video of the whole presentation soon…I think it’ll worth watching…stay tuned!
Ken at D.W. Waters with another Marry YourSelf First fan!
Marry YourSelf First!
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Ken Donaldson Asks: Was it poor work life balance that caused Al and Tipper Gore to separate?
Are You Prioritizing Your Love Life?
We’ll probably never know what has driven Al and Tipper Gore to separate, and out of respect and dignity, we never should. But it does invite a curiosity, and an interesting case study, regarding work life balance and its impact on your core relationships (marriage, life partnerships, etc.).
One of THE most significant parts of work life balance would be your primary, or core, relationships. These relationships are your primary support in life; THE person you can go to to discuss anything.
THE person you can go to in your most desperate times of need.
THE person you can go to to celebrate your wildest dreams.
THE person you can go to to share your most intense fears.
This is true intimacy and is often referred to as the “in-to-me-see” of the relationship!
But if you don’t take care of that relationship, cherish it, respect it, and put it at the top of your personal totem pole of life, then it becomes vulnerable to stagnation, mediocrity, strife and unnecessary breakdown.
It really comes down to priorities: We may never know Al and Tipper Gore’s priorities, but here are 7 core questions for you to ask yourself regarding your work life balance as it applies to your core relationship:
1.) Do you check in with each other regularly and share what’s REALLY going on? Not just the day-to-day superficial stuff, but the core needs, wants, desires and requests.
2.) Do you put time and energy into the relationship on a REGULAR basis? This means truly making the relationship a priority. No auto-pilot here. Conscious and proactive choices to put the relationship first whenever possible!
3.) Are you still dating regardless of how many years you’ve been together? Once a week, or more, is best.
4.) Are you able to discuss, using your best communciation skills, the toughest issues and dynamics with a level of respect, the goal of understanding and the ability to accept the differences of each other?
5.) Do you “speak your partner’s language” in that you know what it is that truly lights them up, gets into their heart and soul and enables them to feel truly extraordinary? Do you do that every day in every way?
6.) If you have children, do you and your partner work as a unified team with your children and also balance between being parents and being partners, remembering that your relationship if the foundation for the whole family unit?
7.) Whatever your passion is in your world of work, do you have a greater passion for your relationship? And if not, will you commit to find that passion because without that it’s like forgetting to put the intimacy logs on the bonfire of love and you’ll then find yourself with only smoldering ashes, or even less?
Again, we will never know what Al and Tipper Gore have gone through, but this is an ideal time for you to check in with your core relationship and honestly assess what your work life balance is and how it’s impacting your relationship.
If it’s not where you want it to be, it may be time for you to seek out a relationship counselor who can help you get back on track to have a great life, and fulfilling career and a most passionate relationship with your life partner!
“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
And Marry YourSelf First Everyday!
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Relationship Counseling Tip: You can be positive or negative with your lover…Choose to be positive!
Yes, you can be positive or negative with your lover. Negative energy is just positive energy in reverse. If you find yourself being negative, then simply reverse your energy and choose to be positive.
But isn’t it amazing how easy it is to nit-pick your lover. Why is that? Why would you want to be critical or judgmental of the one you love?
We could analyze that for many hours and come up with many nifty theories, none of which would create any change.
So how about this: Just shift gears to the positive. Look for what your lover DID do correctly. Look for what you DO appreciate. Look for all the ways your lover treats you well.
And think back to the beginning of the relationship…remember when all you could see was all the wonderfulness of your lover?
Well, replay that! Now!
But wait…there’s an even bigger piece in this for you.
Did you know that sometimes, some people actually project their own shortcomings onto others?
And where does this take place more than anywhere else? Believe it or not, in a relationship between two lovers!
It’s the old “if you spot it, then you got it” dynamic.
That’s right, many times, and usually more subconsciously than consciously, lovers will project their own shortcomings, failures, fears and other assorted negative feelings and perceptions of themselves onto their lover.
So before you begin to take a negative inventory of your lover, take at least two steps:
1.) Remind yourself of all the positive attributes of your lover and be very generous in pointing them out. Get into a daily habit, and even several times a day, to communicate what you love, enjoy and appreciate about your lover.
2.) Before you point out anything negative, critical or judgmental, or anything that could even closely be interpreted as such, go look in the mirror and ask yourself honestly if you might have some of these same characteristics. It’s a tough but very powerful self-intervention.
Remember: Choose the path of positivity in your relationship…after all, that is what you want in return, right?!!
And Marry YourSelf First Every Day in Every Way!
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Relationship counseling tip: Have faith in your partner over doubt
Relationship counseling tip: Have faith in your partner over doubt…invest in the building blocks of trust and cast out the termites of fear!
“Trust is to human relationships what faith is to gospel living. It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust is, love can flourish.” ~Barbara Smith
Do you trust your lover? 100%? If so, what did you do to create that? If not, what have you done to create that?
The trust factor in a relationship is one of the primary cornerstones of a solid relationship foundation. Without trust, the relationship can be easily upset and usually stays more in an upset mode.
The big question is, if there is a lack of trust, why is it there? Has something legitimate happened to trigger it, or is it something from the “ghosts of relationships past” that is simply being transferred onto your current relationship?
If there is a lack of trust, then it’s time for the two of you to take a good long and very honest and open look at what’s happened. If there is something there that can’t seem to be resolved, then perhaps getting some professional help would be the next best move.
If lying, cheating or deception has occurred, you can bet that rebuilding trust will take significant time, energy and effort.
So, there are the obvious trust factors involving honesty and fidelity, and there are also many more subtle factors that occur on a daily basis.
For example, sometimes there may be a tendency to question your lover. This may be a very conscious act or, in many cases, more of a subconscious reaction. Oftentimes this comes from trying to rationalize something or to make sense of an emotional state. In these cases, it’s probably not intended as anything negative or hurtful, even though it may be perceived as such.
Therefore, you need to know this: There’s a fine line between questioning your lover’s judgment or decision-making skills for the purpose of understanding or being truly supportive and protective versus questioning because you want to be “right.”
This being right is typically when one person wants to feel in control, so they try to point out what the other has done “wrong” or could do differently.
This is usually either driven from the ego or fear, which, when you get to origin, are generally one in the same.
If you participate in trying to be right you’ll create an almost instant destruction!
Many relationships have been destroyed because one or both people are driven to be right. Make your relationship goal connection, understanding and support, instead of the ego-driven “need to be right syndrome.”
In any case, this questioning dynamic can be an irritant at the core of your relationship because it can bring with it the feeling of doubt. Obviously your relationship would be best served to eliminate this unnecessary, irritating and potentially damaging dynamic.
Therefore, it is always wise to ask and get clarity. Ask if your lover would like input, feedback, suggestions or ideas. Likewise, ask if they just want you to be an empathetic and understanding sounding board.
Whatever the case is, if you’re not supporting your lover with trust and faith, you risk sending a message of doubt, even though that may not be your intention.
Be trusting, be encouraging, be supportive, be curious and have faith that your lover is making good choices. Always use the healthy relational building blocks of faith and trust and avoid the destructive termites of fear and doubt.
“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” ~ Thomas Merton
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