Here are some common questions people ask:

• Why do people set themselves up for bad relationships when they know the other person doesn’t share their necessary values?
• Why would someone who knows they have a drug or alcohol problem continue to drink or use drugs?
• Why do people get involved with someone if they know there’s a deal-breaker already there (i.e. drugs, alcohol, children, religion, etc.)?
• If someone knew they could do something very simple to feel better, why would they choose to continue to feel bad?
• Don’t people understand that if they settle for less in the beginning, they always get even less in the end?

There’s actually one word that ties these questions together…

Change.

People don’t like to change.

Most people don’t change.

Most people don’t think they need to change.

Some research suggests that 95% of the population tries NOT to change.

Yes…they resist change.

The irony is that you really can’t resist change as it’s happening all the time, all around you, whether you like it, or want it, or not.

But can you convince someone who doesn’t want to change that change would do them good?

Yes…no…maybe…it depends.

But the problem is the human brain.

And while it would appear that some people making really bad and self-destructive choices are more suffering from brain damage, it’s actually not that.

It’s the “reptile brain.”

The reptile brain, also referred to as the reptilian brain or lizard brain, is the oldest part of our brain and connected directly to our spinal cord.

The primary purpose of the reptile brain is survival and protection.

If you literally watch lizards you’ll see them automatically defend their turf through behaviors like head-bobbing which demonstrates assertive and aggressive posturing.

They automatically go into protective and survival mode whenever they feel threatened.

Sometimes they run and sometimes they attack.

They never sit still for very long.

They don’t like change…at all.

People who tend to engage in obsessive-compulsive behavior, rituals or superstitious thinking are all being governed by the reptile brain.

Likewise, people who continue to do the same thing over and over (behavior slaves), are also being dominated by the reptile brain.

The bottom-line is that people are programmed to resist change because this reptile part of the brain interprets change as potentially dangerous.

So is there no hope then for these people?

Actually, yes, there is…in fact, more hope today than ever.

The one dynamic every self-help book has in common is that they all support change.

Every personal growth and development program does the same.

So do all the 12-step programs and other related recovery programs.

The question, then, and really the ONLY question, is:
Are you open to change?

Many people will stay in their familiar and predictable patterns only because the patterns are familiar and predicable.

You can invite, challenge or dare someone else to change.

You can even threaten them with losing something if they don’t.

But in the end, the other person has to want it more than you.

Then you may be left asking yourself, “What do I need to do to change in myself to make this all more accepting?”

This is a hard pill to swallow especially if you really care about the other person.

This is, in fact, where most codependency is born.

It’s about caring so much that you actually begin to overstep what you’re responsible for and try to do for the other person what they in fact need to do for themselves.

Good thing you can turn to counselors who specialize in facilitating change for help.

And the Serenity Prayer is a good reminder as well:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people);
The courage to change the things I can (yourself);
And the wisdom to know the difference (boundaries and letting go).

Yes, people can manage the reptile brain.

They have to want to first.

Then, they must have the awareness and deliberately step over, around, or just ignore the unnecessary warning signals altogether.

In the end, change is always good.

It’s happening anyway so you might as well learn to go with it rather than against it.

Read more from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

Five words that can change your life: Hope, Cope, Survive, Thrive, Soar.

These five words can, do and will continue to change and save lives.

Hope: Not the wishful thinking (“I hope I win the lotto”) type, but “the true inner feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” (Dictionary.com)

Imagine if you knew how to instantaneously tap into hope whenever you needed it, for whatever reason.

Hope keeps you going in the face of doubt, fear and the great unknown.

Hope keeps you from giving up and, instead, develops your perseverance and persistence muscles.

Hope is the inner seed that is necessary to continue to go forward into action.

Cope: Once you have hope as your foundation, you can now go into action. Cope is “to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success.” (Dictionary.com)

When you cope you get by. No matter how small it might be, progress is made.

Coping is the beginning of creating positive momentum for your life.

You begin to see how your efforts are moving you forward.

You also know how to deal with challenges, struggles and even failure, and keep moving.

Hope + Cope = Survive

Survive means “to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some occurrence.” (Dictionary.com)

As you build on hope and cope, you develop survival skills. These skills begin to occur automatically because you have practiced them and have developed some confidence around them.

Surviving means you have gotten yourself to a place of stability…ground level zero.

You have recovered successfully.

Many people survive, but never grow past this point.

Many people get comfortable with surviving.

Remember, life is a progression:
Hope > Cope > Survive > Thrive

Thrive means “to prosper; be fortunate or successful, to grow or develop vigorously; flourish.” (Dictionary.com)

When you thrive you are building on the foundation of hope, well developed coping skills and having established yourself as a survivor.

Thriving is a willingness to go beyond the norm.

Beyond average.

Beyond mediocre.

Beyond what you already know and into the great unknown.

Thriving means to take significant risks, because you are going past where you’ve ever been and perhaps, as well, beyond where anyone else has been before.

Thriving means you are willing to stand up, stand out and make a stand for what you believe.

It means letting go of ego, fear and the need to impress others.

Thriving means to be not just outside the box, but to destroy the box and create your own new paradigm.

Perhaps this is the master success formula for life:
Hope + Cope + Survive + Thrive = Soar

Soar means “to rise or aspire to a higher or more exalted level.” (Dictionary.com)

Thriving sets the tone for soaring. Whereas thriving takes tremendous effort, soaring is the outcome from all that hard work, effort and risk

Just like an eagle soars in the thermals, you too will enjoy soaring through your life as you follow this progression.

Soaring is the positive consequence for hard work, many risks and always keeping the ego (and fear) in check.

Soaring does require a huge commitment to be extremely responsible and accountable due to your high level of visibility.

Many people choose not to soar because they don’t want to be seen as the “center of attention.”

Soaring is not accomplished to be in the limelight, although it often results in such.

To soar, you must shed your ego and have no worries what others will think, say or do in response to your soaring.

To soar is to have reached the pinnacle of life.

It is also from where you must be willing to be a role model at the highest level and a mentor to others who seek to accomplish the same.

Hope.
Cope.
Survive.
Thrive.
Soar.

These five words describe what we all need to stay on the positive side of life.

Addiction, depression and divorce, for example, scarcely exist when you live in the progression of hope, cope, survive, thrive and soar.

These are the stepping stones of greatness.

Will you step up, step out and step into your greatness?

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

Meet Joe Monks.
(http://www.joemonks.com/)

A blind film director.

Read it again: A blind film director.

Are you trying to figure out how that works?

Joe lost his eyesight in 2002 as the result of his long-time battle with diabetes, but he didn’t let that hold him back, as he wrote and directed The Bunker.

Joe recently received the Achievement in Cinema award at the 2011 Gasparilla International Film Festival.

(And The Bunker is being submitted to the Cannes Film Festival this year.)

Joe didn’t know he was going to have to give a speech at Gasparilla until about 10 minutes before he went on stage.

His impromptu speech was beyond “touching” as he challenged every participant present with his powerful oration.

He began by sharing with the audience the old cliché of “when one door closes…” but he put a brand new spin on it.

He suggested that we not look for another open door when the door closes, but rather, we need to remind ourselves that just because a door is closed, it doesn’t mean it’s locked.

So it’s our job to pick the lock, take off the hinges or break the damn door down (that’s what Joe said!)

Joe went on to use another cliché about dropping the infamous pebble into a pond and how the pebble creates ripples.

But he added his ever so pithy Joeism to it: Because of the award he won the pebble (his movie, The Bunker) is now a bigger pebble and his hopes are that one of the now bigger ripples will get someone’s attention and they’ll say “Joe Monks won an award?!! He sucks!!” (Again, Joe’s words here!)

And for those people, Joe simply says, “Come get some…the door is open.”

Joe Monks is quite an inspirational story, to say the least.

And he’s a guy who could very easily have fallen into depression because of what he “lost” or even gotten into some addictive behavior as a way to cope.

But instead, he has gone forward and done what no one has ever done before.

No one!

And his wife stands by his side.

Segue…

This month’s empowerment topic is: The “Other” A.D.D.: Addiction, Depression and Divorce…What to Know, What to Do and How to Make it All Stick

If you or your loved ones have been challenged by addiction, depression or divorce, keep your eyes and ears open as you’ll be receiving some useful information.

(Click here for a resource for you right now.)

And if you have challenges you’d like to get answers to, feel free to stop by www.AskKenDonaldson.com .

Bring ‘em on and let’s create some break-throughs like Joe’s.

And Marry YourSelf First!

You’ve seen the obvious trends: Increased numbers of divorces, more frequent domestic violence and an overall decrease in relationship intelligence.

We’re becoming relationship dummies.

It’s time to get smart and raise your Relational Intelligence (RQ)!

But how do you raise your RQ?

Let’s start by understanding three components of a highly intelligent relationship culture and what it takes to make healthy relationships:

First, let’s all learn how to effectively deal with conflict and differences.

Second, let’s practice commitment and apply commitment actions to make relationships last.

Third, let’s all be good relationship role models for our children and for future generations.

When we do that, we begin to break the dysfunctional cycle of divorce and domestic violence!

Additionally, it’s wise to know the healthy stages of the relationship continuum. Yes, relationships grow and develop through stages and if you don’t know the stages, then you’re bound to get lost and create relationship havoc for yourself and others.

It’s also worthwhile to know what the most common divorce predictors and indicators of relationship failure are. Always good to know what the early warning signs are!

Perhaps the biggest piece of relationship intelligence is knowing how to effectively communicate, especially with emotionally charged issues.

This is commonly referred to as the “intentional dialogue” and it has very specific techniques that help the people in the conversation stay in the conversation and manage the emotional state of the conversation.

As odd as it may sound, it’s also wise to create a proactive “Relationship Success Plan.” Actually, this only sounds odd because most people don’t do it. Always best to do this before you’re in a relationship, but is equally as valuable to create once you are in a relationship.

When you apply new methods of creating positive rituals in relationships, you also increase your RQ.

And when you understand how to increase positive energy in your relationships, your RQ is raised as well.

It’s time for us to realize that relationship education is no longer an option…it’s mandatory. Reading, writing and arithmetic are not going to prevent divorce, domestic violence or depression. We need life skills training that targets confidence building, self esteem enhancement and basic conflict resolution skills. This is the start to creating healthier individuals who can then create healthier relationships.

It’s time to create relationship education that will change our relationship priorities…that will make us relationally smarter….and raise our RQ!

I invite you to do something to help break these patterns and create a happy, healthy and more harmonious legacy for our future generations.

Go ahead…I dare you!

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!

I saw a report that said a man used a shared computer to log onto his wife’s e-mail account and discovered she was cheating. (I’m quite sure this isn’t the first time that this has happened…neither the cheating nor the snooping).

Evidently this guy has now been charged with felony computer misuse and faces five years in prison…Wow!! Do we really clutter our courtrooms with these ridiculous over-sensationalized relationship dysfunctions?

Really?!!

It is right or wrong for this guy to be charged (and maybe go to jail)?

Maybe that’s NOT the bigger issue.

There is something HUGE here on a more global level…it’s called “relationship intelligence” and there is a huge deficit of it in the world today.

If one of the people in a relationship has to snoop to find out what’s really going on, what does that say?

It suggests that there is a severe lack of openness and honesty (for starters).

How did it get this way?

When cases like this are brought into the light, it’s a great opportunity to look at the state of relationships in general.

When it comes to relationship intelligence, we have a failing grade.

Start with this: In mainstream education we don’t teach our kids anything about relationship skills, communication skills or how to deal with conflict, and many of us have had “less than desirable” role models growing up.

Boundaries, values and integrity…anyone have those classes?

Maybe we should let TV, movies and books with fictional stories teach us these things…right?

How about commitment, dedication and loyalty…maybe we should let these necessary dynamics of successful relationship occur by osmosis!

Getting back to the story, what do we really expect?

Openness and honesty?

No! Why should we? We’re surrounded by numerous drama-filled stories of deceit, deception and dishonesty that fill our airwaves, cable news headlines and newspapers every day.

And this case is just one of thousands of highly dysfunctional relationship situations that are occurring all the time.

As off the wall and odd as it may sound, how about we use these publicized relationship breakdowns as springboards to change things, rather than just sensational news items that become role models for future relationships?

I’m just asking…

What do you think? Feel free to leave a comment or two below.

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!