Marital Affair, Marriage Infidelity and Betrayal: How to Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage or Relationship
How do I rebuild trust after betrayal?
Can I recover from a marital affair?
How do I deal with marriage infidelity?
What do I do after infidelity?
Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?
Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.
But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?
Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.
However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.
Answer: ???????
Not such a good answer, right?
There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.
So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.
The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.
If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.
If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.
One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?
Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.
The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.
Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.
The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.
Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!
If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.
In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.
So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!
And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.
Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.
These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.
On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?
The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!
True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”
You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.
Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.
Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.
Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.
How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?
Can you recover from a marital affair?
How do you deal with marriage infidelity?
What do you do after infidelity?
Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?
Yes…no…maybe.
But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.
Please leave your comments below…
Marry YourSelf First Every Day!
The Heartbroken, Heartbreaking Heart Break and What You Can Do
I was recently asked to respond to some questions about heart break and the people who are heartbroken or who’ve had a heartbreaking experience for an upcoming article in a major publication. I won’t know if they’ll use any of this for quite a while, but I welcome your input to really make this the best possible.
Below are the questions they posed to me and my “off the top of head” responses.
What other questions would be good to ask regarding break-ups and heart break? What might I be missing or overseeing? How else do you think I can help the heartbroken? What else do you think I can do to prevent future heartbreaking experiences?
Feel free to comment below.
1. What is the biggest challenge with people trying to overcome heartbreak?
Getting through the pain is the biggest challenge. Plain and simple. It sometimes feels like it’s going to last forever. Or that you’re forever scarred. Sometimes minutes seem like weeks and days seem like years. And then there’s also all the racing thoughts: Trying to figure it all out. “Why did this happen?” and “What did I do wrong?” are common, but the Mac-Daddy is “Why does this always happen to me?”The biggest challenge is staying out of the blame game and not feeling like a victim.
In other words, the biggest challenge is figuring out how to move on without resentment, guilt or shame. How to get back on your life-path and go forward with hope and optimism.
2. What is the best thing to do when you have had your heart broken?
Give yourself time…as much as you need. Talk about it with your friends if you need to and write about it if that helps. But more than anything else give it time.
Yes, time does heal all wounds, especially if you give yourself guilt-free, shame-free and resentment-free time.
Yes, it’s good to review and see what happened. See what you can learn for your future. See what you can glean from it to make your future relationships even better.
It’s also good to look at this as something that happened, not something that someone “did to you.”
Stay out of the victim role. Sometimes these things just happen and they don’t make any sense. They just happen.
3. Should you see your “ex”?
Yes…No…Maybe.
It all depends on a number of dynamics. If seeing your ex only makes you feel worse, then no. If the two of you fight or argue (maybe just like the “old days”), then no again.
But if the two of you can have a good conversation, or better yet, a healing conversation, then sure, go ahead and see each other. Can the two of you celebrate the wonderful times you spent together? Can you tell each other what you appreciate about each other? Can you, in a loving way, also share with each other what didn’t work, or what was unacceptable?
Perhaps you can even kindle a friendship from this. Give this all the time it needs and don’t try to rush it.
Remember that this may be a very vulnerable time and you may not be seeing things clearly if there is still a lot of emotion going on.
4. How should people who have separated but have children together behave around one another? What if one partner is mean to the other?
This is a very important element, perhaps even the most important. The children did not do anything to cause this, as this is between the two of you. So at least agree on one rule: Do NOT put the children in the middle nor use them as pawns.
At the very least, speak of each other in a neutral way. Try, however, to be complimentary of each other. And if you think you can hide feelings of anger or resentment from your kids, you’re mistaken. They’ll pick up on it, although they most likely will not say anything about it.
Allow the children to talk about their feelings, but also give them their space. Be respectful of them.
If one parent is mean, just make sure you don’t respond in the same way. Also, even though that would be a great opportunity to speak negatively about your ex, don’t do it. Again, at the very least, stay neutral.
If the kids want to talk about the other parent’s anger or meanness, allow them the safe space to do so.
If this is an ongoing dynamic, then bringing a professional counselor into the mix would be highly recommended.
5. How should you talk about your partner in front of your children?
Again, at least be neutral, and try your very best to be positive and complimentary.
6. What should people do as they recover from a broken heart?
This is a time for recovery and recovery takes many different paths for different people. Some depression is normal, although you don’t want to “feed” the depression. Sunshine, fresh air and gently moving the body are all good natural antidotes for this type of situational depression. Use your support system and surround yourself with compassionate and understanding people. Realize, however, that some people don’t know what to do or what to say, so sometimes they do or say things that can be counterproductive.
Music, dance and artwork are all forms of self-expression that can be very helpful in the healing process.
Joining a support group or a therapy group can also be beneficial.
But remember that recovery takes time and there is no hurry to “get back out there.”
It’s wise to thoroughly review what happened, when you’re ready, and see what you can learn…see what you can carry forward to improve your life and your future relationships.
7. What should people NOT do as they recover from a broken heart?
The worse things you can do:
• Immediately start dating again. You’ll most likely carry all the hurt, anger and whatever else you’re feeling right into the next relationship. Also, you’re thinking and “picking mechanism” is not going to be grounded and clear during this time, so you’re most likely to get into something that could be highly dysfunctional.
• Get into the blame game. It’s easy to take the other person’s inventory and look at everything they did wrong or bad, even if they did do inappropriate things. But what’s the point? The more time and energy you spend focused on that, the longer it’ll take you to move on.
• Get into the victim mentality. How about this: It’s no one’s fault. It just happened…period. Even though it might not make sense and even though there may be many unanswered questions, this is the time to heal and begin to move forward. Instead of getting into “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I can’t believe he-she did this to me,” or how about “live and let live,” as the people in AA say, just pay attention to what you need right now.
This also includes getting into lengthy discussions with your friends about how bad he or she was. It’s time to release and mend your own heart. Staying focused on the pain will only keep you focused on the pain.
8. When is the best time to start dating again after your heart has been broken?
There is no defined timetable as this depends a lot on each person and each unique relationship situation. Better to go slow than fast, as a rule. Socializing with your friends is great, probably sooner than later, but dating needs to have no rush. Many people dive into another relationship as a way to avoid the pain from the former one and usually only make things worse for themselves. When you do start to date again, go slow. Ask a lot of questions and remember what you learned from you past relationship. Perhaps your last relationship opened some insights to yourself; things you didn’t know about yourself previously. Play those new insights forward and create new boundaries for yourself. Be cautious, but also keep shuffling your feet forward.
Funny how we say “fall” in love when the word fall typically means something not so good. Maybe this next time you’ll gracefully tip-toe into love or walk into love.
(This is also where I’d want to put in a shameless plug for Marry YourSelf First, but they aren’t allowing any free PR!)
9. What advice do you have for people who are having trouble opening their hearts up again after a breakup?
Sometimes this happens and it is quite common and normal. This is where it may be good to seek out a professional counselor to help free you up. The mind sometimes plays tricks on us, causing us to think there is still some threat, when actually there is not. Go slow, use your support system thoroughly, including your counselor, and ask a lot of questions and evaluate. It’s okay to go slow…go as slow as you need. Take care of you!
10. How should you approach dating after going through a breakup?
Go slow and be thorough. Remember what you’ve learned. Think from your head, not your heart, meaning you need to make sure that you’re clear about your deal-makers and deal-breakers and that you stick to your boundaries and limits. If you’re not sure about all this, then it’s time to get clear. Use your support system to help, or maybe even a counselor if you can’t figure this out for yourself.
11. What is the best advice you can give to someone going through a breakup?
Decide that it’s done if it’s truly done and begin to heal, recover and move on. Too many people go back and forth unnecessarily, causing more pain. If you haven’t done everything possible, then perhaps you’ll want to get a counselor involved, but at some point you have to decide to either repair the relationship, or move on.
Limbo-land will drain the life out of you.
Surround yourself with truly loving, supportive and compassionate people. Don’t allow the negative people to bombard you with conversation about how bad he or she was.
Leave Your Comments Below…
And Marry YourSelf First Every Day!
Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson and What to do with Insecurities and Jealousy that can Ruin Relationships
This is a dynamic that is, unfortunately, very commonplace in relationships today. Always know that if you’re feeling jealousy or have insecurities, it’s on you to resolve it. In other words, it’s YOUR issue!
It is a great opportunity for you to take a deep look inside yourself and really ask yourself, “What is it that I feel insecure or jealous about? What is it about ME that’s causing this?” If you have insecure feelings with somebody else or have jealousy, know that’s just a projection…a projection of something going on deep inside of you.
Yes, it’s so much easier for us to look outwardly and put the focus on another person and try to make it about them. To even look at the other person and say, “They did this that caused me to feel jealous or insecure.”
But that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. If somebody is doing something that is that outlandish, or that’s breaking trust, that is an obvious deal-breaker and you need to think about why you’re in that relationship…period!
But what CAN YOU do about these insecurities and feelings of jealousy? First, it’s good to know that this most likely comes from some place deep inside that is typically connected to an old wound. In fact, it often comes from events that have occurred very early in life.
(Side note: This would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)
It’s time to do a thorough examination and inventory of yourself and your history, and ask yourself:
• What were the primary messages that I received about myself?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my self-worth?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my identity?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my looks?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my capabilities?
• What were the primary messages that I received about others?
• What were the primary messages that I received about relationships?
These messages are not always obvious and often they may have been expressed in a more subtle way. Through looks, body language, facial expressions or even silence. So even though you may have been brought up in a really healthy and normal environment, there may have been some other things that you picked up on that were just really subtle messages. And you may have made you own conclusions based on incorrect assumptions or interpretations.
But really ask yourself this one core question: How did I feel about myself when I was growing up. And then also ask yourself:
• What’s my history in past relationships?
• Have I been burned?
• Have I been taken advantage of?
• Have I been cheated on?
• Is there any unresolved energy there that’s starting to rear its ugly head?
Here’s the bottom-line to this whole jealousy and insecurity issue: Things that are unresolved from childhood or past relationships will continually come up until you put them to rest!
If you leave a relationship, the issues will follow you to the next and the next and the next…in fact, you’ll probably even pick the same kind of person because there is so much unresolved energy going on at a subconscious level.
The message to the subconscious mind has to be that the “war” is over, all is now safe, and it’s now time for peace. When there are significant unresolved issues, our mind can get stuck at the subconscious level and play over and over like a broken record. This is particularly true when there has been something really traumatic. And if you don’t know how to “scratch the record” and get it to jump into the present, then it’ll keep playing that at a subconscious level.
Start with these simple exercises:
1. Write an uncensored letter to any and all past partners who you felt had hurt or betrayed you in any way. Write all your feelings and emotions. Write until you can’t write any more. Then have a ceremony and burn the letters. Release the resentment…Release the grudge…Release the hurt.
2. Imagine that you bring “younger you” into the present. What would you want to express to him or her about life…relationships…and him or herself? Think about how you would affirm, acknowledge, support, care for, love and protect that younger part of you. Do this daily and create a “corrective experience.”
So, if you find yourself feeling jealous and insecure, it is a great time for YOU to do some healing and growing…embrace the moment!
(Second side note: Again, this would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)
Please Leave a Comment Below for Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson…
And Marry YourSelf First! every day in every way!
Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson: You, Me and the Space Between We
“Man is a knot into which relationships are tied.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
How much weight do your relationships have on your life? How about “mucho-mucho”!
However, relationships are very challenging for most people. Here’s the evidence:
As you know, about 50% of first time marriages end in divorce.
You may not know that second timers have a 60% divorce rate and third timers have a 70% divorce rate.
(FYI: Getting a different partner does not seem to be the solution).
Additionally, one in three women will be physically abused by a partner at some point in her life. That is a very conservative number as most abuse is never reported.
So, obviously, the “We” part of this equation is lacking something.
Let’s also look at the “You” and “Me” parts as well:
About 10% of our population meets the criteria for alcoholism.
Another 10% is drug addicted.
Also, about 10% are clinically depressed.
Another 10% meet the clinical criteria for an anxiety disorder.
So let’s stop right there for a moment…good time to take a deep breath in…and a deep breath out.
What does this all say? Simple: Not only do we not know what to give to our relationships to help them flourish and grow, we don’t even know what to give to ourselves!
To say that we have a lack of coping skills would be an exaggerated understatement.
We have a serious problem is what we have!
And here’s even worse news: Our politicians in Washington are not going to fix this for us.
Therefore, it’s up to us…each and every one of us!
Think about this for a moment: Imagine there was a number of TV shows that were designed to create dramatic change in our country. Imagine that was the only purpose of these shows…only to create dramatic change.
Every week there would be a focus on something new to change. Something positive that would help individuals and families. And every week there would be a challenge to the viewers: See how much positive change you can create this week. People who create massive positive change would be featured.
But wait…there’s more!
Imagine that we integrated into our school system, first and foremost, curriculum that was specifically designed to help students improve the following:
• Stress Management Skills
• Assertiveness
• Boundary Setting
• Self-Esteem Building
• Team Building
• Relationship Skills
Whoa! What would happen if this was the primary focus of school and THEN we worked on reading, writing and arithmetic?
Yes, imagine what this would do to the previously mentioned divorce, addiction and mental health numbers.
Yes…imagine!
But know this: Everything that has ever been created or invented started in the imagination.
Every idea went from imagination to possibility, and then to a burning desire to create it, followed by a magnificent obsession to make sure it happened.
So here’s the question to YOU: What will YOU do to make this happen?
Until the media shows up with such a series of shows and until the education system transforms its learning styles, it’s up to you and me to make these changes.
What will you do today to help transform You, Me and the Space Between We?
Want more life balance? Then upgrade your relationship skills. Then, go do something yourself to help change things for the positive…that’ll give your life more balance too!
“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” ~Emily Kimbrough
Marry YourSelf First Today!
And Feel Free To Leave A Comment…Or Two!
Ken Donaldson Asks: Was it poor work life balance that caused Al and Tipper Gore to separate?
Are You Prioritizing Your Love Life?
We’ll probably never know what has driven Al and Tipper Gore to separate, and out of respect and dignity, we never should. But it does invite a curiosity, and an interesting case study, regarding work life balance and its impact on your core relationships (marriage, life partnerships, etc.).
One of THE most significant parts of work life balance would be your primary, or core, relationships. These relationships are your primary support in life; THE person you can go to to discuss anything.
THE person you can go to in your most desperate times of need.
THE person you can go to to celebrate your wildest dreams.
THE person you can go to to share your most intense fears.
This is true intimacy and is often referred to as the “in-to-me-see” of the relationship!
But if you don’t take care of that relationship, cherish it, respect it, and put it at the top of your personal totem pole of life, then it becomes vulnerable to stagnation, mediocrity, strife and unnecessary breakdown.
It really comes down to priorities: We may never know Al and Tipper Gore’s priorities, but here are 7 core questions for you to ask yourself regarding your work life balance as it applies to your core relationship:
1.) Do you check in with each other regularly and share what’s REALLY going on? Not just the day-to-day superficial stuff, but the core needs, wants, desires and requests.
2.) Do you put time and energy into the relationship on a REGULAR basis? This means truly making the relationship a priority. No auto-pilot here. Conscious and proactive choices to put the relationship first whenever possible!
3.) Are you still dating regardless of how many years you’ve been together? Once a week, or more, is best.
4.) Are you able to discuss, using your best communciation skills, the toughest issues and dynamics with a level of respect, the goal of understanding and the ability to accept the differences of each other?
5.) Do you “speak your partner’s language” in that you know what it is that truly lights them up, gets into their heart and soul and enables them to feel truly extraordinary? Do you do that every day in every way?
6.) If you have children, do you and your partner work as a unified team with your children and also balance between being parents and being partners, remembering that your relationship if the foundation for the whole family unit?
7.) Whatever your passion is in your world of work, do you have a greater passion for your relationship? And if not, will you commit to find that passion because without that it’s like forgetting to put the intimacy logs on the bonfire of love and you’ll then find yourself with only smoldering ashes, or even less?
Again, we will never know what Al and Tipper Gore have gone through, but this is an ideal time for you to check in with your core relationship and honestly assess what your work life balance is and how it’s impacting your relationship.
If it’s not where you want it to be, it may be time for you to seek out a relationship counselor who can help you get back on track to have a great life, and fulfilling career and a most passionate relationship with your life partner!
“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
And Marry YourSelf First Everyday!
Feel Free To Leave a Comment or Two…
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