Those Cheating Hearts and Why They – And Their Partners – Don’t Change
I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.
Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.
Why do people cheat?
Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.
All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.
But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…
You get the picture, right?
The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.
But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?
Wow! These numbers are not so common.
And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”
Sorry to be the bearer of the news.
The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.
This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.
So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?
Answer: It’s “easier” not to.
The problem is that “easier” is often not better.
But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.
We are a “change ignorant” people.
(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)
Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.
But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.
Sound contradictory?
Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”
And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.
The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.
Just four simple points:
1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.
2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.
3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.
4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.
Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.
But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?
AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.
Start today: Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson and The Solo Dancer
I am the solo dancer
You see there all alone
I dance my dance of passion
I always feel at home
I found some simple secrets
In this here solo dance
I know I got to love my Heart
To create some true romance
I embrace my solo dance
As I dance my rhythm and rhyme
I dance not to another’s step
But only to what is mine
Yes I am the solo dancer
You see there all alone
All one am I in life now
Yes, the little child has grown
I see the toxic places
I know where not to dance
I’ve learned about my boundaries
And that old addictive trance
I embrace my every value
Yes, I dance my unique step
And if another joins me
My values must be kept
Yes, I am the solo dancer
You see there all alone
I dance my dance of passion
I always feel at home
I’m proud, I say, of my solo dance
I jump and twirl in bliss
I’m living in my passion
Each day I’ll not remiss
Ken “Keni Lee” Donaldson
Marry YoruSelf First Today!
Ken Donaldson Answers:Why Am I So Messed Up?
“Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you’re alive, it isn’t.” ~Richard Bach
Every day I hear people asking me this question, “Why am I so messed up?”
They don’t always say just exactly those words, although sometimes they do, but they say something similar and definitely with the same meaning.
So, why are WE so messed up?
The good news is that it all comes down to two things:
1.) We don’t know what to do.
2.) We just don’t do what we know to do.
Nice to know it’s that simple, right?!!
Let’s look at the first, the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.
Why would you know what to do?…who taught you?…where did you learn from?
See, most people have extreme emotional and relational deficits. Unless you went to some very, very non-mainstream school, you never had classes that taught you any of this. And because very few people really learned the art of handling emotions and relationships effectively, then it only makes sense that they would pass their deficits on to their children.
So it’s easy to see and understand the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.
Which brings us to number two: We just don’t do what we know to do.
This is the real kicker and here’s why: There are so many resources today to help people improve their lives. And much of it is absolutely free. Go to YouTube and you will find hours and hours of free, good coaching and education on emotional and relationship management. All free!
Do a Google search and you’ll find websites, blogs and forums that you can participate in and have ongoing conversations to seek out answers to all your challenges.
And if you’re willing to invest a few bucks in yourself, you can invest in books or audio and video programs that will bring the experts right into your home or office.
And if you want to go full out, then you can actually hire a professional coach or counselor to give you the 1:1 guidance you want to improve your life and relationships.
But everyone probably knows all this and they still just don’t do what they know to do.
Why?
It can only be one of a very few things:
1.) Denial: “I don’t have any issues…really.”
2.) Minimization: “It’s not that big of a deal.” (Which is a form of denial.)
3.) Cynicism and blame: “Sure, I’ll change when she changes.”
4.) Stupidity: “Duh.” (This doesn’t actually exist; some people just pretend that it does.)
So the REAL question is this: How badly do you want to improve your life?
Or maybe this one: How much pain, heartache, misery or depression do you want to endure in your life?
Yes, challenges are definitely part of life, but pain, heartache, misery and depression are all optional.
But it all comes back to you.
YOU have to choose to want a better life.
YOU have to choose to want better relationships.
YOU have to choose to want a better career path.
YOU have to choose to want better health.
YOU have to choose to want a better spiritual connection.
YOU have to choose to want better friends.
YOU have to choose to want a better you.
The really good news is that YOU are in total control of all that.
The next question is: When will you start?
If you want to be a victor, you must release being a victim!
“I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.” ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
Marry YourSelf First!…Today!
Marital Affair, Marriage Infidelity and Betrayal: How to Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage or Relationship
How do I rebuild trust after betrayal?
Can I recover from a marital affair?
How do I deal with marriage infidelity?
What do I do after infidelity?
Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?
Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.
But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?
Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.
However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.
Answer: ???????
Not such a good answer, right?
There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.
So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.
The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.
If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.
If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.
One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?
Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.
The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.
Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.
The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.
Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!
If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.
In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.
So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!
And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.
Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.
These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.
On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?
The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!
True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”
You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.
Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.
Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.
Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.
How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?
Can you recover from a marital affair?
How do you deal with marriage infidelity?
What do you do after infidelity?
Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?
Yes…no…maybe.
But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.
Please leave your comments below…
Marry YourSelf First Every Day!
The Heartbroken, Heartbreaking Heart Break and What You Can Do
I was recently asked to respond to some questions about heart break and the people who are heartbroken or who’ve had a heartbreaking experience for an upcoming article in a major publication. I won’t know if they’ll use any of this for quite a while, but I welcome your input to really make this the best possible.
Below are the questions they posed to me and my “off the top of head” responses.
What other questions would be good to ask regarding break-ups and heart break? What might I be missing or overseeing? How else do you think I can help the heartbroken? What else do you think I can do to prevent future heartbreaking experiences?
Feel free to comment below.
1. What is the biggest challenge with people trying to overcome heartbreak?
Getting through the pain is the biggest challenge. Plain and simple. It sometimes feels like it’s going to last forever. Or that you’re forever scarred. Sometimes minutes seem like weeks and days seem like years. And then there’s also all the racing thoughts: Trying to figure it all out. “Why did this happen?” and “What did I do wrong?” are common, but the Mac-Daddy is “Why does this always happen to me?”The biggest challenge is staying out of the blame game and not feeling like a victim.
In other words, the biggest challenge is figuring out how to move on without resentment, guilt or shame. How to get back on your life-path and go forward with hope and optimism.
2. What is the best thing to do when you have had your heart broken?
Give yourself time…as much as you need. Talk about it with your friends if you need to and write about it if that helps. But more than anything else give it time.
Yes, time does heal all wounds, especially if you give yourself guilt-free, shame-free and resentment-free time.
Yes, it’s good to review and see what happened. See what you can learn for your future. See what you can glean from it to make your future relationships even better.
It’s also good to look at this as something that happened, not something that someone “did to you.”
Stay out of the victim role. Sometimes these things just happen and they don’t make any sense. They just happen.
3. Should you see your “ex”?
Yes…No…Maybe.
It all depends on a number of dynamics. If seeing your ex only makes you feel worse, then no. If the two of you fight or argue (maybe just like the “old days”), then no again.
But if the two of you can have a good conversation, or better yet, a healing conversation, then sure, go ahead and see each other. Can the two of you celebrate the wonderful times you spent together? Can you tell each other what you appreciate about each other? Can you, in a loving way, also share with each other what didn’t work, or what was unacceptable?
Perhaps you can even kindle a friendship from this. Give this all the time it needs and don’t try to rush it.
Remember that this may be a very vulnerable time and you may not be seeing things clearly if there is still a lot of emotion going on.
4. How should people who have separated but have children together behave around one another? What if one partner is mean to the other?
This is a very important element, perhaps even the most important. The children did not do anything to cause this, as this is between the two of you. So at least agree on one rule: Do NOT put the children in the middle nor use them as pawns.
At the very least, speak of each other in a neutral way. Try, however, to be complimentary of each other. And if you think you can hide feelings of anger or resentment from your kids, you’re mistaken. They’ll pick up on it, although they most likely will not say anything about it.
Allow the children to talk about their feelings, but also give them their space. Be respectful of them.
If one parent is mean, just make sure you don’t respond in the same way. Also, even though that would be a great opportunity to speak negatively about your ex, don’t do it. Again, at the very least, stay neutral.
If the kids want to talk about the other parent’s anger or meanness, allow them the safe space to do so.
If this is an ongoing dynamic, then bringing a professional counselor into the mix would be highly recommended.
5. How should you talk about your partner in front of your children?
Again, at least be neutral, and try your very best to be positive and complimentary.
6. What should people do as they recover from a broken heart?
This is a time for recovery and recovery takes many different paths for different people. Some depression is normal, although you don’t want to “feed” the depression. Sunshine, fresh air and gently moving the body are all good natural antidotes for this type of situational depression. Use your support system and surround yourself with compassionate and understanding people. Realize, however, that some people don’t know what to do or what to say, so sometimes they do or say things that can be counterproductive.
Music, dance and artwork are all forms of self-expression that can be very helpful in the healing process.
Joining a support group or a therapy group can also be beneficial.
But remember that recovery takes time and there is no hurry to “get back out there.”
It’s wise to thoroughly review what happened, when you’re ready, and see what you can learn…see what you can carry forward to improve your life and your future relationships.
7. What should people NOT do as they recover from a broken heart?
The worse things you can do:
• Immediately start dating again. You’ll most likely carry all the hurt, anger and whatever else you’re feeling right into the next relationship. Also, you’re thinking and “picking mechanism” is not going to be grounded and clear during this time, so you’re most likely to get into something that could be highly dysfunctional.
• Get into the blame game. It’s easy to take the other person’s inventory and look at everything they did wrong or bad, even if they did do inappropriate things. But what’s the point? The more time and energy you spend focused on that, the longer it’ll take you to move on.
• Get into the victim mentality. How about this: It’s no one’s fault. It just happened…period. Even though it might not make sense and even though there may be many unanswered questions, this is the time to heal and begin to move forward. Instead of getting into “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I can’t believe he-she did this to me,” or how about “live and let live,” as the people in AA say, just pay attention to what you need right now.
This also includes getting into lengthy discussions with your friends about how bad he or she was. It’s time to release and mend your own heart. Staying focused on the pain will only keep you focused on the pain.
8. When is the best time to start dating again after your heart has been broken?
There is no defined timetable as this depends a lot on each person and each unique relationship situation. Better to go slow than fast, as a rule. Socializing with your friends is great, probably sooner than later, but dating needs to have no rush. Many people dive into another relationship as a way to avoid the pain from the former one and usually only make things worse for themselves. When you do start to date again, go slow. Ask a lot of questions and remember what you learned from you past relationship. Perhaps your last relationship opened some insights to yourself; things you didn’t know about yourself previously. Play those new insights forward and create new boundaries for yourself. Be cautious, but also keep shuffling your feet forward.
Funny how we say “fall” in love when the word fall typically means something not so good. Maybe this next time you’ll gracefully tip-toe into love or walk into love.
(This is also where I’d want to put in a shameless plug for Marry YourSelf First, but they aren’t allowing any free PR!)
9. What advice do you have for people who are having trouble opening their hearts up again after a breakup?
Sometimes this happens and it is quite common and normal. This is where it may be good to seek out a professional counselor to help free you up. The mind sometimes plays tricks on us, causing us to think there is still some threat, when actually there is not. Go slow, use your support system thoroughly, including your counselor, and ask a lot of questions and evaluate. It’s okay to go slow…go as slow as you need. Take care of you!
10. How should you approach dating after going through a breakup?
Go slow and be thorough. Remember what you’ve learned. Think from your head, not your heart, meaning you need to make sure that you’re clear about your deal-makers and deal-breakers and that you stick to your boundaries and limits. If you’re not sure about all this, then it’s time to get clear. Use your support system to help, or maybe even a counselor if you can’t figure this out for yourself.
11. What is the best advice you can give to someone going through a breakup?
Decide that it’s done if it’s truly done and begin to heal, recover and move on. Too many people go back and forth unnecessarily, causing more pain. If you haven’t done everything possible, then perhaps you’ll want to get a counselor involved, but at some point you have to decide to either repair the relationship, or move on.
Limbo-land will drain the life out of you.
Surround yourself with truly loving, supportive and compassionate people. Don’t allow the negative people to bombard you with conversation about how bad he or she was.
Leave Your Comments Below…
And Marry YourSelf First Every Day!
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