I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.

Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.

Why do people cheat?

Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.

But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.

All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.

But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…

You get the picture, right?

The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.

But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?

Wow! These numbers are not so common.

And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”

Sorry to be the bearer of the news.

The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.

This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.

So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?

Answer: It’s “easier” not to.

The problem is that “easier” is often not better.

But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.

We are a “change ignorant” people.

(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)

Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.

But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.

Sound contradictory?

Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”

And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.

The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.

Just four simple points:

1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.

2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.

3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.

4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.

Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.

But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?

AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.

I do know a guy….

More from Ken Donaldson…

Start today: Marry YourSelf First!

The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships (Assertiveness to Zealousness and Everything In-Between):

•    Assertiveness: You must ask for what you want…directly.

•    Boundaries: Know what to say yes to and what to say no to.

•    Communication: The cornerstone of all healthy relationships.

•    Deal Makers/ Deal Breakers: The absolutes and unbendable.

•    Emotional Management: Manage your own inside game.

•    Focus-Fear-Faith: Whatever you focus on is where you’ll go.

•    God: Practice your spirituality; whatever it is.

•    Humor: MUST have this for flexibility in the relationship…and life!

•    Integrity: Operating from your wholeness.

•    Jealousy: Just say “NO!” to jealousy.

•    Ken on Call: Have a coach or counselor you can go to help if/when you need to.

•    Logs on the Fire: Keep the fire of passion going.

•    Most Important: Operate from your values…always!

•    NO Blame, Shame or Games: Stay away as these are the three destroyers of all relationships.

•    Openness: Stay open, be honest and lead with willingness.

•    Purpose: Live according to your purpose…put purpose in your relationship…make it big and exciting!

•    Questions: Make inquiries and be curious….stay away from accusations.

•    Rituals: Create positive rituals to create ongoing positive energy.

•    Support Networks: Always have people you can turn to for help.

•    Tongue-Foo Bull-Fighting: Know how to step out of the way, when to listen and when to walk away.

•    Understanding: Always seek to understand and build a bridge.

•    Validation: Seek to find and validate each other’s emotions.

•    Work-Life Balance: Leave work at work…make time to relax and recharge.

•    X (Ex) Relationship Baggage: Leave the past in the past.

•    Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Live in today…period!

•    Zealousness: Always find the zeal in the life and bring it into the relationship.

Click here to get the FREE couples guide: Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!

And Marry YourSelf First!

More from Ken Donaldson…

Whether you’re single, in a relationship or perhaps coming out of a relationship, it’s always good to know the primary relationship building blocks…right?!!

Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to work with and/or interview thousands of people and ask them about their relationships.

I’ve noticed some trends in the happier, healthier and longer lasting relationships: The individuals in those relationships have some very clear traits and behaviors that separated them from the rest.

Want to know what they are?

Here you go:

The 12 Steps to Proactively Creating a Divorce-Proof Marriage

1.) Know yourself, trust yourself and like yourself first!

• Define your Life Purpose

• Discern and live by your Values and Priorities

• Create your Life Vision and Life Mission Statement

• Develop a Legacy that will live forever

2.) Create a Balanced Lifestyle

• Set Boundaries and eliminate energy drains

• Create a proactive Self Maintenance program

• Evaluate and Inventory your lifestyle weekly

3.) Surround yourself with Supportive Networks and Communities

• Seek out like-minded and like-valued people

• Create Accountability agreements with others

• Avoid negative situations and environments

4.) Know your Requirements and Needs

• Create and live by your “Deal Makers” and “Deal Breakers”

• Make direct requests to get your needs met

• Always be true to yourself

5.) Take your work in life seriously, but take life lightly

• Practice being flexible, fluid, and accepting

• Avoid trying to “push the river”

• Express your passion in life with the utmost of passion

6.) Understand the healthy romantic relationship developmental process

• Create the criteria for your Life Partner

• Develop “Screening” and “Testing” strategies

• Use your support system for feedback and input

7.) Define your personal Spirituality

• Discover and walk your Spiritual Path

• Practice daily acts to activate your “Highest Self”

• Accept life on life’s terms

8.) Be perfectly imperfect

• Know your character challenges and work to strengthen those areas

• Accept all your errors, mis-takes and failures

• Practice non-judgment of yourself and all others

9.) Live from Abundance

• Practice daily acts of ‘Random Kindness”

• Develop a “Pay it Forward” system in your life

• Create an affirming, fear-less inner dialogue

10.) Be an Excellent Communicator

 • Practice Active Listening as often as possible

• Commit to creating a “Win-Win” outcome with others

• Learn to process emotions, conflict and disagreements

 11.) Get out of your comfort zone

• Learn to accept all your uncomfortable feelings and emotions

• Practice deliberate daily acts of new behavior

• Celebrate discomfort as healthy growth and development

12.) Consciously Breathe and Smile

• Learn to be Silly (use a clown nose if you need too!!)

• Develop Breathing Exercises to enhance your Mind, Body, Heart and Soul

• Smile until you are happy

And if you like this, you’re going to love the workshop this Saturday:

Love YourSelf Before You Love Again

Saturday, November 13th, 9 A.M. – 5 P.M.

Cost: $27 if prepaid, $37 at the door (and includes lunch!!)

FAMILY RESOURCES
5180 62nd Avenue North
Pinellas Park, FL 33781.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER OR CALL 866.600.6064.

Read more from Ken Donaldson…

Here’s a great cheat sheet for your relational intelligence.

• Assertiveness: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and never say it mean.

• Boundaries: With yourself first; then others… ”No” is a complete sentence.

• Communication: Still one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships (See Assertiveness).

• Deal Makers/Deal Breakers: Say “Yes” to your Yes’ and “No” to your No’s.

• Emotional Management: Feel them; Heal them; Deal with them…then move on.

• Focus-Fear-Faith: Do you focus on fear or faith?…your choice.

• God: Is there a spiritual conversation here?

• Humor: Wear a clown nose before every fight …it’ll eliminate most of them.

• Integrity: Be whole, open, honest and forthright.

• Jealousy: Just in case it shows up, know how to deal with it (and any other yucky dynamics too).

• Ken on Call: Always have a coach/counselor you can rely on.

• Logs on the Fire: Keep the passion growing and growing…don’t let the fire go out…ever!

• Most Important: The most important thing is the most important thing…priorities 101.

• NO Blame, Shame or Games!: See integrity.

• Openness: The gateway to the Heart has to be open to let the Love in.

• Purpose: What is the purpose of this relationship? Make it bigger than the two of you.

• Questions: Ask in the direction of the solution, not in the direction of the problem.

• Rituals: Daily, positive, growth-enhancing and fun …got it?!!

• Support Networks: Where/who do you go to for yours? We all need support.

• Tongue-Foo Fighting: Know how to be the bull-fighter of tongue-foo and arguments go away real fast and in a real loving way.

• Understanding: “Do you understand me?” If not, then listen more and deeper.

• Validation: We all want this and it’s often withheld or overlooked…give it away generously!

• Work-Life Balance: See Boundaries and Deal-Makers/Deal Breakers.

• X(Ex)Relationship Baggage: Live in the present not the past…see Ken on Call if you can’t do this.

• Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Where do you live… live your best today in today.

• Zealousness: Not too much, not too little, just right in the middle.

 Read more from Ken Donaldson.

And Marry YourSelf First!