The answer may NOT be what you were thinking!

Did you know that couples sleeping separately has become a new trend?

My friends at Fox 13 Good Day Tampa Bay asked me what my thoughts were about this trend and the impact on relationship harmony.

Watch and listen, and then leave your comments below!

Is the marital bed headed toward extinction?

New studies show that one in four American couples are saying good-night and then going their separate ways into separate beds. The National Association of Home Builders expects 60 percent of custom-built homes will be designed to have two master bedrooms by 2015!

So…why couples are sleeping apart? What are your thoguhts?

And Marry YourSelf First!

You’ll have your chance this Wednesday (7/28) as I’ll be the guest on “The Ask Vera Show”

The Ask Vera Show is every 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month. It’s a 30 minute free show focused on answering the toughest questions on relationship issues.

Vera will be grilling me with her most challenging relationship questions and you’re invited to do the same!

Come join us and tell your friends.

Call in number: 1 808 206-9730

Conference ID: 208018#

I hope to “see” you and your friends then and there!

Click here for all the details

Marry YourSelf First!

Can I recover from a marital affair?

How do I deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do I do after infidelity?

Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?

Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.

But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?

Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.

However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.

Answer: ???????

Not such a good answer, right?

There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.

So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.

The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.

If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.

If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.

One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?

Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.

The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.

Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.

The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.

Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!

If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.

In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.

So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!

And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.

Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.

These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.

On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?

The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!

True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”

You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.

Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.

Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.

Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.

How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?

Can you recover from a marital affair?

How do you deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do you do after infidelity?

Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?

Yes…no…maybe.

But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.

Please leave your comments below…

Marry YourSelf First Every Day!

“Why won’t he talk to me?”

Okay guys, you’re about to get slammed…don’t say you weren’t warned!

Guys have been getting a bad rap about their lack of openness in relationships for a long time. Maybe even since the beginning of time! And unfortunately, guys, there is quite a bit of truth and validity to all this.

And sure, you could blame your dad because he wasn’t a good role model, or you could even say you were a victim of the times. After all, big boys don’t laugh, cry, smile or get angry, right?!!

But let’s look at this without getting into the blame game or any kind of victim mentality…okay?

First look at why you might want to be more open. Here’s one huge reason: Because it makes her happy! So how about letting go of, “It doesn’t make any sense to me…” at least for now.

Think of this as a gift…More beautiful than a dozen fresh roses…Sweeter than the richest chocolate…Beyond the most sentimental card.

Not just any gift; it’s the gift of all gifts!

She wants to hear what’s going on in your world. She wants to hear your feelings and your thoughts and your fears and your dreams.

She wants to hear it all.

And then she wants you do to the same. It’s not hard. In fact, it’s actually quite simple. It’s called “Listening 101.”

It’s called the “Listening Thee Step” and it goes like this:

Step One: You give her your undivided attention. No TV. No cell phone. No computer. No nothing. Just you, listening fully to her and completely.

Easy…right?!!

Step Two (which goes along with Step One): No judgment or criticism about what she says. Just listen. Be interested in what’s going on in her world. If you don’t understand something, then ask for more information.

Wow…simple and easy!

Oh, almost forgot…

Step Three: Don’t try to fix her…she’s not broken. Maybe a bit emotional. Maybe a bit upset. Maybe a little scared or worried. Maybe even a little angry. But not broke.

That’s it. Do this daily and you’ll be on your way to creating the most fabulous relationship you could ever imagine.

But let’s get back to where we started. Yes, let’s get back to talking about you talking…talking more.

The essence of a relationship is the connection between two people. What does essence mean? This is the soul or the spirit of the relationship. It’s the core or the foundation. It’s the heart of the relationship.

And if the heart stops beating, or if it’s not taken care of properly, then the heart begins to whither and die.

And so does the relationship.

First there’s fighting and bickering, followed by power-struggles and resentment, and then the distance and avoidance happens, and then, as the relationship begins to gasp for fresh air, it dies a slow death.

Nasty sounding isn’t it!??

And it all can be saved, guys, if you’ll just open up more.

Here’s an easy way to make this a part of your regular routine: Every day pick a time to check in with her. Make it a time when she’s available and you’re available. Just ask how her day was. Then share with her what your day was like.

Yes…it’s that simple!

But there is another side to this, since the question was originally posed from the woman’s perspective.

Women, hear this: You cannot “make him” open up.

In fact, nobody can make anybody open up.

You are the only one who can do anything differently. And although you may not want to admit that, that is the way it is.

It’s always easier to try to get the other person (“him” in this case) to do something differently. And that’s probably because our eyes look outward and they don’t look inward.

It sometimes is very uncomfortable to look inward and ask yourself the really tough questions. Even if “he” is stubborn beyond belief, it’s still up to you to ask yourself what you can do differently in your interactions with him.

People (men, in this case) sometimes feel like they’re being attacked, when they are not. In this case, a different approach would be advised.

If someone responds in a defensive manner, don’t ignore it and don’t fight it, but be curious about it. Inquire about it. See what you can find out about this. And do this all with great compassion.

Here’s the bottom-line: When you change your tactics and you approach someone in a different way, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. There’s a possibility that “he” may respond differently.

So, “Why won’t he talk to me?”  Start by having a different conversation. Both of you (guys…ladies!)! Use some new tactics. What have you got to lose? And, by the way, don’t get into analyzing the “why” question. That’s a waste of time. Better to ask yourself, “How?” How can you communicate differently? How can you respond differently? How can you be proactive differently?

Click here to get the free couples guide Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!

Leave a comment or two below…

And Marry YourSelf First Every Day in Every Way!

It is a great opportunity for you to take a deep look inside yourself and really ask yourself, “What is it that I feel insecure or jealous about? What is it about ME that’s causing this?” If you have insecure feelings with somebody else or have jealousy, know that’s just a projection…a projection of something going on deep inside of you.

Yes, it’s so much easier for us to look outwardly and put the focus on another person and try to make it about them. To even look at the other person and say, “They did this that caused me to feel jealous or insecure.”

But that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. If somebody is doing something that is that outlandish, or that’s breaking trust, that is an obvious deal-breaker and you need to think about why you’re in that relationship…period!

But what CAN YOU do about these insecurities and feelings of jealousy? First, it’s good to know that this most likely comes from some place deep inside that is typically connected to an old wound. In fact, it often comes from events that have occurred very early in life.

(Side note: This would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

It’s time to do a thorough examination and inventory of yourself and your history, and ask yourself:
• What were the primary messages that I received about myself?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my self-worth?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my identity?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my looks?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my capabilities?
• What were the primary messages that I received about others?
• What were the primary messages that I received about relationships?

These messages are not always obvious and often they may have been expressed in a more subtle way. Through looks, body language, facial expressions or even silence. So even though you may have been brought up in a really healthy and normal environment, there may have been some other things that you picked up on that were just really subtle messages. And you may have made you own conclusions based on incorrect assumptions or interpretations.

But really ask yourself this one core question: How did I feel about myself when I was growing up. And then also ask yourself:
• What’s my history in past relationships?
• Have I been burned?
• Have I been taken advantage of?
• Have I been cheated on?
• Is there any unresolved energy there that’s starting to rear its ugly head?

Here’s the bottom-line to this whole jealousy and insecurity issue: Things that are unresolved from childhood or past relationships will continually come up until you put them to rest!

If you leave a relationship, the issues will follow you to the next and the next and the next…in fact, you’ll probably even pick the same kind of person because there is so much unresolved energy going on at a subconscious level.

The message to the subconscious mind has to be that the “war” is over, all is now safe, and it’s now time for peace. When there are significant unresolved issues, our mind can get stuck at the subconscious level and play over and over like a broken record. This is particularly true when there has been something really traumatic. And if you don’t know how to “scratch the record” and get it to jump into the present, then it’ll keep playing that at a subconscious level.

Start with these simple exercises:
1. Write an uncensored letter to any and all past partners who you felt had hurt or betrayed you in any way. Write all your feelings and emotions. Write until you can’t write any more. Then have a ceremony and burn the letters. Release the resentment…Release the grudge…Release the hurt.

2. Imagine that you bring “younger you” into the present. What would you want to express to him or her about life…relationships…and him or herself? Think about how you would affirm, acknowledge, support, care for, love and protect that younger part of you. Do this daily and create a “corrective experience.”

So, if you find yourself feeling jealous and insecure, it is a great time for YOU to do some healing and growing…embrace the moment!

(Second side note: Again, this would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

Please Leave a Comment Below for Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First! every day in every way!

Is Your Relationship Living or Dying?

This is a classic question being asked by many wives today. The first thing to do is the obvious: Ask him! And in asking him, have you clarified to him how important it is to you and to the kids?

Here are a few things to be aware of when asking:

• Be aware of “how” you’re asking.
• Are you nagging, whining or complaining? Ask in a positive tone.
• When are you asking? Pick a time when he’s available and not preoccupied.

All of which brings up the next question: Have you and your husband been practicing good communication or have you done what many couples do and just gone on autopilot?

Autopilot is a common relationship dynamic that silently says, “Let’s keep it comfortable, predictable and familiar.” Unfortunately, comfortable, predictable and familiar do not allow for  growth and if there’s no growth, the relationship can and will become very stagnant very fast. Sometimes what a relationship needs more than anything else is a shakeup. Something out of the ordinary, like a new way of interacting. Too many couples have become passive and they’ve stopped asking for what they truly want and need, and they’ve stopped making their requests.

In other words, they’ve begun to settle. And here’s a fact about settling: When you settle for less you always get less…never more! For example, couples often settle for setting fewer boundaries, which means they stop making the requests to fulfill their wants and needs, and they stop informing their partner about unacceptable behavior.

And what then happens is as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, there’s a growing separation and distance between the two. And then the wife’s simple issue of “I’d like you to spend more time with the kids,” turns into a resentment filled and fueled power-struggle.

This may sound like an evasion of the original question, but there are bigger issues and dynamics here. These issues don’t grow overnight; they usually have been festering for months, years and at times, even decades.

So the key is really about having healthy assertive communication. One of the greatest gifts one partner can give to another in a relationship is healthy communication. This is particularly relevant when it comes to conflict resolution. Oftentimes conflict resolution simply means to ask the more difficult and sometimes emotionally charged questions.

This issue of the husband spending more time with the family may be one of those situations where there may be a tendency to skate around the issue because it might feel uncomfortable. Like, “I don’t feel like asking him because he might get irritated,” or “I might sound like I’m nagging.”

However, the goal here is simple: Ask and make the request anyway. You must often just take the action that’s uncomfortable or awkward. And yes, it may even stir the pot and create a little conflict, but if you don’t confront and deal with conflict, the relationship will, by default, go on autopilot, and relationships die in autopilot mode!

Die?!! Yes…here’s why: Everything in life is either living or dying. Which means your life is either growing and expanding or shriveling and dying.

And if you’re not addressing issues straight-up and confronting dynamics that are unacceptable, then the relationship is starting to die.

So, how can you get your husband to spend more time with the family? It starts with you communicating effectively and assertively. If you’re not there or can’t seem to get there, or if there has been a continual cycle of breakdowns after you’ve tried over and over again, then it’s time to hire a professional.

It’s amazing what a couple of counseling sessions with a good relationship counselor can do! Have a few sessions with someone who can actively teach you how to effectively communicate with each other.

Do all this and the question of “How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?” answers itself.

Leave a comment below…

Marry YourSelf First! for the Best Relationships

Click here to view the embedded video.

Here’s Mom’s Basic Rules for Living 85 Years of Health, Happiness and Harmony

1. Let yourself be a little funky at times.
2. Allow yourself to be loved and cherished.
3. Eat healthy and good (Thai) food.
4. Be extraordinary and humble.
5. Be grateful and thankful.
6. Exercise daily.
7. Dance…sometimes in the privacy of yourself so you can “kick up your heals.”
8. Take vitamins to add to health.
9. Walk every day (mostly).
10. Have positive thoughts.
11. Practice patience and perseverance with difficult (and sometimes grumpy) people.
12. Have a good sense of humor.
13. Yield to resistance.
14. Respect privacy…have boundaries.
15. Honor your relationships.

So…got a comment? Leave it below!

Why Marry YourSelf First! Because my mom said so!

How much weight do your relationships have on your life? How about “mucho-mucho”!

However, relationships are very challenging for most people. Here’s the evidence:
As you know, about 50% of first time marriages end in divorce.
You may not know that second timers have a 60% divorce rate and third timers have a 70% divorce rate.
(FYI: Getting a different partner does not seem to be the solution).

Additionally, one in three women will be physically abused by a partner at some point in her life. That is a very conservative number as most abuse is never reported.

So, obviously, the “We” part of this equation is lacking something.

Let’s also look at the “You” and “Me” parts as well:
About 10% of our population meets the criteria for alcoholism.

Another 10% is drug addicted.

Also, about 10% are clinically depressed.

Another 10% meet the clinical criteria for an anxiety disorder.

So let’s stop right there for a moment…good time to take a deep breath in…and a deep breath out.

What does this all say? Simple: Not only do we not know what to give to our relationships to help them flourish and grow, we don’t even know what to give to ourselves!

To say that we have a lack of coping skills would be an exaggerated understatement.

We have a serious problem is what we have!

And here’s even worse news: Our politicians in Washington are not going to fix this for us.

Therefore, it’s up to us…each and every one of us!

Think about this for a moment: Imagine there was a number of TV shows that were designed to create dramatic change in our country. Imagine that was the only purpose of these shows…only to create dramatic change.

Every week there would be a focus on something new to change. Something positive that would help individuals and families. And every week there would be a challenge to the viewers: See how much positive change you can create this week. People who create massive positive change would be featured.

But wait…there’s more!

Imagine that we integrated into our school system, first and foremost, curriculum that was specifically designed to help students improve the following:

• Stress Management Skills
• Assertiveness
• Boundary Setting
• Self-Esteem Building
• Team Building
• Relationship Skills

Whoa! What would happen if this was the primary focus of school and THEN we worked on reading, writing and arithmetic?

Yes, imagine what this would do to the previously mentioned divorce, addiction and mental health numbers.

Yes…imagine!

But know this: Everything that has ever been created or invented started in the imagination.

Every idea went from imagination to possibility, and then to a burning desire to create it, followed by a magnificent obsession to make sure it happened.

So here’s the question to YOU: What will YOU do to make this happen?

Until the media shows up with such a series of shows and until the education system transforms its learning styles, it’s up to you and me to make these changes.

What will you do today to help transform You, Me and the Space Between We?

Want more life balance? Then upgrade your relationship skills. Then, go do something yourself to help change things for the positive…that’ll give your life more balance too!

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.”  ~Emily Kimbrough

Marry YourSelf First Today!

And Feel Free To Leave A Comment…Or Two!

Want more passion, power, purpose and peace in your life?

Then make yourself a Vision Map…better, yet, join me for the next Vision Map workshop…scroll down for more information.

1.)  Your Vision Map will better define your life purpose.

2.)  Your Vision Map will keep you better aligned with your values.

3.)  Your Vision Map will reinforce your boundaries.

4.)  Your Vision Map will guide you to happier and healthier relationships.

5.)  Your Vision Map will give your career a boost…and maybe the change it’s needed.

6.)  Your Vision Map will add more balance to your life.

7.)  Your Vision Map will help you stay more focused on your goals.

8.)  Your Vision Map will help to make your priorities more clear.

9.)  Your Vision Map will get you better tuned in to your spirituality.

10.)  Your Vision Map will empower you.

11.)  Your Vision Map will help you pick better friends.

12.)  Your Vision Map will enhance your health.

13.)  Your Vision Map will get you more connected with your creativity.

14.)  Your Vision Map will help you get more fun in your life.

15.)  Your Vision Map is a great stress management tool.

16.)  Your Vision Map will remind you of your greatness.

17.)  Your Vision Map will give you a daily affirmation.

18.)  Your Vision Map will help you stay focused on your future (instead of your past).

19.)  Your Vision Map will help you embrace positive changes in your life.

20.)  Your Vision Map will give you the vision you need to get to where you truly deserve – and desire – to be in life.

 Click here for the official page of the next 201o Vision Map workshop at Yoga Village in Clearwater.

 And Marry YourSelf First!

Are You Prioritizing Your Love Life?

We’ll probably never know what has driven Al and Tipper Gore to separate, and out of respect and dignity, we never should. But it does invite a curiosity, and an interesting case study, regarding work life balance and its impact on your core relationships (marriage, life partnerships, etc.).

One of THE most significant parts of work life balance would be your primary, or core, relationships. These relationships are your primary support in life; THE person you can go to to discuss anything.

THE person you can go to in your most desperate times of need.

THE person you can go to to celebrate your wildest dreams.

THE person you can go to to share your most intense fears.

This is true intimacy and is often referred to as the “in-to-me-see” of the relationship!

But if you don’t take care of that relationship, cherish it, respect it, and put it at the top of your personal totem pole of life, then it becomes vulnerable to stagnation, mediocrity, strife and unnecessary breakdown.

It really comes down to priorities: We may never know Al and Tipper Gore’s priorities, but here are 7 core questions for you to ask yourself regarding your work life balance as it applies to your core relationship:

1.) Do you check in with each other regularly and share what’s REALLY going on? Not just the day-to-day superficial stuff, but the core needs, wants, desires and requests.

2.) Do you put time and energy into the relationship on a REGULAR basis? This means truly making the relationship a priority. No auto-pilot here. Conscious and proactive choices to put the relationship first whenever possible!

3.) Are you still dating regardless of how many years you’ve been together? Once a week, or more, is best.

4.) Are you able to discuss, using your best communciation skills, the toughest issues and dynamics with a level of respect, the goal of understanding and the ability to accept the differences of each other?

5.) Do you “speak your partner’s language” in that you know what it is that truly lights them up, gets into their heart and soul and enables them to feel truly extraordinary? Do you do that every day in every way?

6.) If you have children, do you and your partner work as a unified team with your children and also balance between being parents and being partners, remembering that your relationship if the foundation for the whole family unit?

7.) Whatever your passion is in your world of work, do you have a greater passion for your relationship? And if not, will you commit to find that passion because without that it’s like forgetting to put the intimacy logs on the bonfire of love and you’ll then find yourself with only smoldering ashes, or even less?

Again, we will never know what Al and Tipper Gore have gone through, but this is an ideal time for you to check in with your core relationship and honestly assess what your work life balance is and how it’s impacting your relationship.

If it’s not where you want it to be, it may be time for you to seek out a relationship counselor who can help you get back on track to have a great life, and fulfilling career and a most passionate relationship with your life partner!

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

And Marry YourSelf First Everyday!

Feel Free To Leave a Comment or Two…