Is Your Relationship Living or Dying?

This is a classic question being asked by many wives today. The first thing to do is the obvious: Ask him! And in asking him, have you clarified to him how important it is to you and to the kids?

Here are a few things to be aware of when asking:

• Be aware of “how” you’re asking.
• Are you nagging, whining or complaining? Ask in a positive tone.
• When are you asking? Pick a time when he’s available and not preoccupied.

All of which brings up the next question: Have you and your husband been practicing good communication or have you done what many couples do and just gone on autopilot?

Autopilot is a common relationship dynamic that silently says, “Let’s keep it comfortable, predictable and familiar.” Unfortunately, comfortable, predictable and familiar do not allow for  growth and if there’s no growth, the relationship can and will become very stagnant very fast. Sometimes what a relationship needs more than anything else is a shakeup. Something out of the ordinary, like a new way of interacting. Too many couples have become passive and they’ve stopped asking for what they truly want and need, and they’ve stopped making their requests.

In other words, they’ve begun to settle. And here’s a fact about settling: When you settle for less you always get less…never more! For example, couples often settle for setting fewer boundaries, which means they stop making the requests to fulfill their wants and needs, and they stop informing their partner about unacceptable behavior.

And what then happens is as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, there’s a growing separation and distance between the two. And then the wife’s simple issue of “I’d like you to spend more time with the kids,” turns into a resentment filled and fueled power-struggle.

This may sound like an evasion of the original question, but there are bigger issues and dynamics here. These issues don’t grow overnight; they usually have been festering for months, years and at times, even decades.

So the key is really about having healthy assertive communication. One of the greatest gifts one partner can give to another in a relationship is healthy communication. This is particularly relevant when it comes to conflict resolution. Oftentimes conflict resolution simply means to ask the more difficult and sometimes emotionally charged questions.

This issue of the husband spending more time with the family may be one of those situations where there may be a tendency to skate around the issue because it might feel uncomfortable. Like, “I don’t feel like asking him because he might get irritated,” or “I might sound like I’m nagging.”

However, the goal here is simple: Ask and make the request anyway. You must often just take the action that’s uncomfortable or awkward. And yes, it may even stir the pot and create a little conflict, but if you don’t confront and deal with conflict, the relationship will, by default, go on autopilot, and relationships die in autopilot mode!

Die?!! Yes…here’s why: Everything in life is either living or dying. Which means your life is either growing and expanding or shriveling and dying.

And if you’re not addressing issues straight-up and confronting dynamics that are unacceptable, then the relationship is starting to die.

So, how can you get your husband to spend more time with the family? It starts with you communicating effectively and assertively. If you’re not there or can’t seem to get there, or if there has been a continual cycle of breakdowns after you’ve tried over and over again, then it’s time to hire a professional.

It’s amazing what a couple of counseling sessions with a good relationship counselor can do! Have a few sessions with someone who can actively teach you how to effectively communicate with each other.

Do all this and the question of “How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?” answers itself.

Leave a comment below…

Marry YourSelf First! for the Best Relationships

Come listen in for my mom’s 85th birthday as she shares some of her 85 years of wisdom…

Here’s Mom’s Basic Rules for Living 85 Years of Health, Happiness and Harmony

1. Let yourself be a little funky at times.
2. Allow yourself to be loved and cherished.
3. Eat healthy and good (Thai) food.
4. Be extraordinary and humble.
5. Be grateful and thankful.
6. Exercise daily.
7. Dance…sometimes in the privacy of yourself so you can “kick up your heals.”
8. Take vitamins to add to health.
9. Walk every day (mostly).
10. Have positive thoughts.
11. Practice patience and perseverance with difficult (and sometimes grumpy) people.
12. Have a good sense of humor.
13. Yield to resistance.
14. Respect privacy…have boundaries.
15. Honor your relationships.

So…got a comment? Leave it below!

Why Marry YourSelf First! Because my mom said so!

“Man is a knot into which relationships are tied.”  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

How much weight do your relationships have on your life? How about “mucho-mucho”!

However, relationships are very challenging for most people. Here’s the evidence:
As you know, about 50% of first time marriages end in divorce.
You may not know that second timers have a 60% divorce rate and third timers have a 70% divorce rate.
(FYI: Getting a different partner does not seem to be the solution).

Additionally, one in three women will be physically abused by a partner at some point in her life. That is a very conservative number as most abuse is never reported.

So, obviously, the “We” part of this equation is lacking something.

Let’s also look at the “You” and “Me” parts as well:
About 10% of our population meets the criteria for alcoholism.

Another 10% is drug addicted.

Also, about 10% are clinically depressed.

Another 10% meet the clinical criteria for an anxiety disorder.

So let’s stop right there for a moment…good time to take a deep breath in…and a deep breath out.

What does this all say? Simple: Not only do we not know what to give to our relationships to help them flourish and grow, we don’t even know what to give to ourselves!

To say that we have a lack of coping skills would be an exaggerated understatement.

We have a serious problem is what we have!

And here’s even worse news: Our politicians in Washington are not going to fix this for us.

Therefore, it’s up to us…each and every one of us!

Think about this for a moment: Imagine there was a number of TV shows that were designed to create dramatic change in our country. Imagine that was the only purpose of these shows…only to create dramatic change.

Every week there would be a focus on something new to change. Something positive that would help individuals and families. And every week there would be a challenge to the viewers: See how much positive change you can create this week. People who create massive positive change would be featured.

But wait…there’s more!

Imagine that we integrated into our school system, first and foremost, curriculum that was specifically designed to help students improve the following:

• Stress Management Skills
• Assertiveness
• Boundary Setting
• Self-Esteem Building
• Team Building
• Relationship Skills

Whoa! What would happen if this was the primary focus of school and THEN we worked on reading, writing and arithmetic?

Yes, imagine what this would do to the previously mentioned divorce, addiction and mental health numbers.

Yes…imagine!

But know this: Everything that has ever been created or invented started in the imagination.

Every idea went from imagination to possibility, and then to a burning desire to create it, followed by a magnificent obsession to make sure it happened.

So here’s the question to YOU: What will YOU do to make this happen?

Until the media shows up with such a series of shows and until the education system transforms its learning styles, it’s up to you and me to make these changes.

What will you do today to help transform You, Me and the Space Between We?

Want more life balance? Then upgrade your relationship skills. Then, go do something yourself to help change things for the positive…that’ll give your life more balance too!

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.”  ~Emily Kimbrough

Marry YourSelf First Today!

And Feel Free To Leave A Comment…Or Two!

Want more passion, power, purpose and peace in your life?

Then make yourself a Vision Map…better, yet, join me for the next Vision Map workshop…scroll down for more information.

1.)  Your Vision Map will better define your life purpose.

2.)  Your Vision Map will keep you better aligned with your values.

3.)  Your Vision Map will reinforce your boundaries.

4.)  Your Vision Map will guide you to happier and healthier relationships.

5.)  Your Vision Map will give your career a boost…and maybe the change it’s needed.

6.)  Your Vision Map will add more balance to your life.

7.)  Your Vision Map will help you stay more focused on your goals.

8.)  Your Vision Map will help to make your priorities more clear.

9.)  Your Vision Map will get you better tuned in to your spirituality.

10.)  Your Vision Map will empower you.

11.)  Your Vision Map will help you pick better friends.

12.)  Your Vision Map will enhance your health.

13.)  Your Vision Map will get you more connected with your creativity.

14.)  Your Vision Map will help you get more fun in your life.

15.)  Your Vision Map is a great stress management tool.

16.)  Your Vision Map will remind you of your greatness.

17.)  Your Vision Map will give you a daily affirmation.

18.)  Your Vision Map will help you stay focused on your future (instead of your past).

19.)  Your Vision Map will help you embrace positive changes in your life.

20.)  Your Vision Map will give you the vision you need to get to where you truly deserve – and desire – to be in life.

 Click here for the official page of the next 201o Vision Map workshop at Yoga Village in Clearwater.

 And Marry YourSelf First!

Are You Prioritizing Your Love Life?

We’ll probably never know what has driven Al and Tipper Gore to separate, and out of respect and dignity, we never should. But it does invite a curiosity, and an interesting case study, regarding work life balance and its impact on your core relationships (marriage, life partnerships, etc.).

One of THE most significant parts of work life balance would be your primary, or core, relationships. These relationships are your primary support in life; THE person you can go to to discuss anything.

THE person you can go to in your most desperate times of need.

THE person you can go to to celebrate your wildest dreams.

THE person you can go to to share your most intense fears.

This is true intimacy and is often referred to as the “in-to-me-see” of the relationship!

But if you don’t take care of that relationship, cherish it, respect it, and put it at the top of your personal totem pole of life, then it becomes vulnerable to stagnation, mediocrity, strife and unnecessary breakdown.

It really comes down to priorities: We may never know Al and Tipper Gore’s priorities, but here are 7 core questions for you to ask yourself regarding your work life balance as it applies to your core relationship:

1.) Do you check in with each other regularly and share what’s REALLY going on? Not just the day-to-day superficial stuff, but the core needs, wants, desires and requests.

2.) Do you put time and energy into the relationship on a REGULAR basis? This means truly making the relationship a priority. No auto-pilot here. Conscious and proactive choices to put the relationship first whenever possible!

3.) Are you still dating regardless of how many years you’ve been together? Once a week, or more, is best.

4.) Are you able to discuss, using your best communciation skills, the toughest issues and dynamics with a level of respect, the goal of understanding and the ability to accept the differences of each other?

5.) Do you “speak your partner’s language” in that you know what it is that truly lights them up, gets into their heart and soul and enables them to feel truly extraordinary? Do you do that every day in every way?

6.) If you have children, do you and your partner work as a unified team with your children and also balance between being parents and being partners, remembering that your relationship if the foundation for the whole family unit?

7.) Whatever your passion is in your world of work, do you have a greater passion for your relationship? And if not, will you commit to find that passion because without that it’s like forgetting to put the intimacy logs on the bonfire of love and you’ll then find yourself with only smoldering ashes, or even less?

Again, we will never know what Al and Tipper Gore have gone through, but this is an ideal time for you to check in with your core relationship and honestly assess what your work life balance is and how it’s impacting your relationship.

If it’s not where you want it to be, it may be time for you to seek out a relationship counselor who can help you get back on track to have a great life, and fulfilling career and a most passionate relationship with your life partner!

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

And Marry YourSelf First Everyday!

Feel Free To Leave a Comment or Two…