Relationship Counseling Tip: Choose to be curious and fascinated
Relationship Counseling Tip: Always choose to be curious and fascinated by your partner instead of frustrated or angry!
“Here is something else I’ve learned. To be fascinated instead of frustrated. It is just a little trick to play. The next time you’re tempted to be frustrated, see if you can’t turn it into fascination. Instead of a frown, it puts a smile on your face. Now sometimes you look a little weird, but so be it.” ~ Jim Rohn
Your lover did it AGAIN! That same thing you’ve asked, begged, nagged and pleaded with them NOT to do and they did it anyway.
What do you do now? The typical reaction is to get mad, angry and frustrated. After all, you are right and entitled, correct? Yes…and no!
There is a bigger question to be asked: What do you want? Want peace and love? Connection and affection? Happiness and harmony?
If so, then it’s up to you to respond differently.
Think of yourself as Sherlock Holmes and you’re uncovering a case. Get curious about what’s going on. Get fascinated by your lover’s response (or lack thereof).
Now you might be asking, “Why?” and that’s a fair question. So let me ask you a question: What happens if you throw gas on a burning fire? It makes it blow up, right?
Same thing here. Your mission is to build rapport, not blow things up.
It may sound and feel counter-intuitive because chances are it’s much different than what you’ve been accustomed to, and different than the “norms.”
But many times the “norms” are the relationships that are stagnant, failing and dysfunctional, and you want a successful, growing and thriving relationship, right?
It’s “easy” to do what you’ve been doing and what everyone else seems to be doing. As easy as getting pulled down by gravity. It’s tougher and more challenging to blaze a trail for your relationship to travel. Take the more challenging path and just commit yourself to be more fascinated and curious about your lover.
In doing so, you’re likely to discover some new, and very interesting, things about your lover. React in the way that you’ve reacted in the past and you’re bound to discover nothing new and repeat the same old dysfunctional patterns.
If you want new results, you have to put in new action and new behaviors. Do this and you’re more likely to have your lover join you as well.
“Be curious, not judgmental.” ~ Walt Whitman
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And Marry YourSelf First! Every Day in Every Way!
Relationship Counseling Tip: Be amused about your relationship differences!
Relationship Counseling Tip: Be amused about the differences you and your partner have instead of being annoyed. Remember: It’s always a choice!
“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible – the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” ~ Virginia Satir
You like things one way and your partner likes them a different way. In the beginning of the relationship, you were both able to overlook these differences. But now, for some strange reason, these exact same differences have become a major annoyance, perhaps even bordering on deal-breaker material.
Why?
Several possible reasons, but most likely there are two primary culprits: First, you’ve lost some of your humor and your ability to be flexible. Just like a muscle, if you don’t exercise your humor and flexibility regularly, they’ll atrophy and lose their strength, leaving you responding in a boring, rigid and not fun way.
Second, you’re probably really upset about a number of other things that have NOT been expressed and your mind is getting confused and issues are getting displaced. In other words, you’re upset or bothered by one issue, but it comes out at another issue.
This is classic displacement and without conscious awareness, this can, and does, happen easily and frequently, and often can eat away at relationships like termites in a wooden frame house.
What to do?
As absurd as it may sound, practicing your humor and flexibility are great exercises. For example, when couples both wear clown noses during a disagreement, the entire energy of the conversation changes…dramatically! This is a deliberate disruption of an undesired habit or reaction. Although it may sound a bit weird (which is usually good when you’re attempting to create new patterns), it is very effective at adding both humor and flexibility at the same time.
When it comes to displacement, there is only one solution and it’s called The H.O.W. Factor: Honest, Open and Willing. Healthy and lasting relationships are built on a solid foundation of communication, trust and fidelity. The cornerstones are honesty, openness and willingness.
When you commit to have regular check-ins, say twice a week, for the distinct purpose of staying current with each other, you proactively invite, and almost force, an honest, open and willing relationship.
These check-ins also allow and invite an opportunity to negotiate or compromise any differences with the goals always being to create a win-win for both people. What can you both be flexible about and give to create harmony and peace?
Yes…these are all choices. The biggest choice, however, is the choice to choose. Many couples go into an “autopilot” mode and become complacent and semi-conscious about their relationship. The result is always the same: A rude awakening consisting of distance, aloofness, resentment and oftentimes, an infidelity.
When you consciously choose to be in a relationship and you choose to have a conscious relationship, you’re also choosing to be proactive in your relationship. Be proactive and set-up regularly scheduled check-in times and use your clown nose (or whatever other humor prompting mechanism you have) to keep it all flexible and fluid.
“Nothing in the world is more flexible and yielding than water. Yet when it attacks the firm and the strong, none can withstand it, because they have no way to change it. So the flexible overcome the adamant, the yielding overcome the forceful.”~Lao Tzu
Get the free guide for couples: Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!
And Marry YourSelf First! Every Day in Every Way!
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Better Communication: Wu-Wei Techniques (Verbal Kung-Fu)
Wu-Wei: This old martial arts principle from the East is described as “yielding to an oncoming force in such a way as to render it harmless and at the same time, change its direction by pushing it from behind instead of resisting it from the front.”
Or, Verbal Kung-Fu!
Western translation: Better communication = Be assertive!
When there is a conflict between two or more people, conditioned response is to cope by fight or flight.
Flight responses are passive and range from giving into an unreasonable request from your mother, accepting a role established by your mate, lying and making up an excuse when your friend wants to borrow your car, to complete withdrawal, hiding from any contact with potential adversaries.
Fight responses are aggressive and range from lightly veiled sarcasm directed toward your mate, childish yelling at the repairman who is an hour late getting to your house, to actual physical violence.
Both responses result in unpleasant emotions of fear and anger, usually failing as an effective method of coping with problems.
So from childhood we learn to deal with our problems indirectly, and often dishonestly. We repress our real feelings at the expense of our self-respect and often our physical well-being.
Assertion is commonly mistaken for aggression, but understand that to be assertive means that you are standing up for your basic human rights. Aggression is a matter of forcefully violating the rights of another, and there is no excuse for such behavior.
An important part of assertiveness is showing consideration for the feelings and rights of others, without letting your kindness or empathy be used as an opening for manipulation.
13 Best practices of assertiveness tactics (Wu-Wei):
1. It’s best to describe other’s behaviors, rather than analyze other’s motivation.
2. It’s best to focus on other’s feelings rather than on other’s attributes.
3. It’s best to keep the conversation on specific issues rather than making general complaints.
4. It’s best to focus on the “here and now” (the present) rather than the “there and then” (the past or the future).
5. It’s best to keep the conversation directed toward changeable behavior and avoid comments toward unchangeable behavior.
6. It’s best to be accepting of other person’s response instead of rejecting or arguing with the other person’s response.
7. It’s best to be active, not passive.
8. It’s best to be open and direct with clear meaning, not hidden with meaning unclear.
9. It’s best to talk “with” others, not “at” others.
10. It’s best to strive for two-way communication, not one-way or one-sided communication.
11. It’s best to stick with one issue instead of trying to deal with many issues at the same time.
12. It’s best to seek to understand first, then to be understood.
13. It’s best to be happy and connected rather than “right” and disconnected.
And It’s Always Best to Marry YourSelf First!
Relationship Counseling for Relationship Problems and Relationship Issues
As a relationship counselor it’s only natural that I would receive many questions about relationship counseling, right?!!
It’s my “job” to hear – and respond to – all the relationship problems and the relationship issues.
Here’s one of the latest – and most interesting- questions from www.AskKenDonaldson.com
“John” writes: “I’m 85 but feeling like 25 right now as I’ve had
the close friendship of a 40ish beautiful woman who wants me
around for 40 more years. She loves me, BUT NOT ROMANTICALLY…”
There’s much more and I made a video especially for John and everyone else
who’s struggling with similar relationship dynamics…here it is:
Where do you start?…
Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson: A Free Love Poem about Deal Makers and Deal Breakers
Warning: It’s Sunday morning and my wonderful team of
Brenda, Lynne and Shannen all have the day off,
so nobody has proofed this except me, which means you’re liable to find
a bunch of typos…all I ask is that you humor yourSelf with them!
I was driving to get a cup of early morning coffee today when
I quickly noticed the beautiful full moon setting in the western sky.
It reminded me of a poem I wrote a while back…
which, in turn, reminded me of a time when I read the poem
at a very important event. Here’s the whole story…
In my role as a relationship counselor, I have realized
the absolute importance of Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers
for your happiness in life.
Just in case you’re not clear about Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers,
here’s a quick little review for you:
Deal-Makers – These are the non-negotiable absolutely, positively,
got-to-have characteristics, attributes, qualities, behaviors and/or involvements
that you have to have from another person. If you accept someone who does
not have these, you will set yourself up for unnecessary disappointment.
Never lower your standards or else you lower your self-esteem.
Deal-Breakers – These are the non-negotiable, absolutely, positively,
will-not-accept-ever-ever-ever traits, qualities, behaviors, attitudes and/or
involvements of another person. If you make an exception, you automatically
discount yourself, violate your own boundaries and set yourself up for
unnecessary pain and heartache.
Basically, this is Boundaries 101!
Many years ago, as I struggling with my own Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers,
I found myself writing a poem which helped me to clarify these important dynamics.
This poem, The Yin and Yang of Perfect Love, has been my guiding light ever since
I wrote it many years ago…it’s always steered me in the best direction.
As it turned out, I read this poem a couple years ago as I was the
Marriage Officiant for a couple friends of mine (Beautiful Tina and Amazing Alex).
Let me digress for a moment, as I’m sure you’ll enjoy the photo from this amazing ceremony:
(Yes, that’s me, the Buddha-looking guy in the middle!)
And I figured since this is the last day of the Love Month,
it’d be appropriate to share this poem with you.
So here it is:
The Yin and Yang of Perfect Love
I am the sun…you are the moon
and you do reflect my every tune
You are the earth and water am I
together we mix creating no lie
I am the wind…you’re the clouds up so high
our energy intermingled all through the sky
You are the fire…I am the wood
together we burn as Life says we should
I am the night…you are the stars
we fill the universe from here to afar
You are the Eagle and I am the sky
we’ll take this here Love and fly it so high
When you are cloudy, I’ll be the sun
and you do same when I’m feeling done
When I’m a river, you’ll be the stone
gently I’ll cleanse you, no more all alone
You be the sunrise, my fog you’ll break through
together we make the sweet morning dew
I am the storm and rainbow are you
complementary energy…we give Life it’s due
Yes, you are the Eagle…I’ll be the tree
a place you may perch from, but fly as you please
And you be the earth for all my roots
together our energy creates loving fruit
And finally I say, let’s answer Life’s call:
Grow as we dance and rise from each fall
Okay, if for some reason you have not written your
Deal-Makers and Deal-Breakers list, do it now…
it matters not if it’s a poetic version and just a list.
Write it…follow it…and live it!
THIS LIST is THE #1 element that is very often ignored in
the Law of Attraction formula.
You’ll only attract to you what you truly want when you live in integrity with yourself.
Sorta like Marry YourSelf First! Gee, where have you heard that before?!!
Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
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