I just finished reading The Dream Manager which is a great book about creating – and living- the dreams you want in your life.

I highly recommend it…very few books get my attention like The Dream Manager has.

Here’s a couple of quotes about dreams you might recognize:

“You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’”
~George Bernard Shaw

 
 “Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.” 
~Gloria Steinem

So, here’s what I made for you…to help you look at, create and live your (wildest!!) dreams…Enjoy!

Click Here for Marry YourSelf First!
I wrote it to help you fulfill your dreams!

Wu-Wei: This old martial arts principle from the East is described as “yielding to an oncoming force in such a way as to render it harmless and at the same time, change its direction by pushing it from behind instead of resisting it from the front.”

Or, Verbal Kung-Fu!

Western translation: Better communication = Be assertive!

When there is a conflict between two or more people, conditioned response is to cope by fight or flight.

Flight responses are passive and range from giving into an unreasonable request from your mother, accepting a role established by your mate, lying and making up an excuse when your friend wants to borrow your car, to complete withdrawal, hiding from any contact with potential adversaries.

Fight responses are aggressive and range from lightly veiled sarcasm directed toward your mate, childish yelling at the repairman who is an hour late getting to your house, to actual physical violence.

Both responses result in unpleasant emotions of fear and anger, usually failing as an effective method of coping with problems.

So from childhood we learn to deal with our problems indirectly, and often dishonestly. We repress our real feelings at the expense of our self-respect and often our physical well-being.

Assertion is commonly mistaken for aggression, but understand that to be assertive means that you are standing up for your basic human rights. Aggression is a matter of forcefully violating the rights of another, and there is no excuse for such behavior.

An important part of assertiveness is showing consideration for the feelings and rights of others, without letting your kindness or empathy be used as an opening for manipulation.

13 Best practices of assertiveness tactics (Wu-Wei):

1. It’s best to describe other’s behaviors, rather than analyze other’s motivation.

2. It’s best to focus on other’s feelings rather than on other’s attributes.

3. It’s best to keep the conversation on specific issues rather than making general complaints.

4. It’s best to focus on the “here and now” (the present) rather than the “there and then” (the past or the future).

5. It’s best to keep the conversation directed toward changeable behavior and avoid comments toward unchangeable behavior.

6. It’s best to be accepting of other person’s response instead of rejecting or arguing with the other person’s response.

7. It’s best to be active, not passive.

8. It’s best to be open and direct with clear meaning, not hidden with meaning unclear.

9. It’s best to talk “with” others, not “at” others.

10. It’s best to strive for two-way communication, not one-way or one-sided communication.

11. It’s best to stick with one issue instead of trying to deal with many issues at the same time.

12. It’s best to seek to understand first, then to be understood.

13. It’s best to be happy and connected rather than “right” and disconnected.

And It’s Always Best to Marry YourSelf First!

Ever wonder why people repeat the relationship patterns over and over again?

I received a recent question from www.AskKenDonaldson.com about relationship problems coming from dysfunctional relationship patterns.

Specifically, this person keeps getting into dating relationships which fail and she ends up hurt and heart-broken….AND the guy seems to always go back to his ex-girlfriend!

This is  a very common dynamic that I see causing many unnecessary relationship issues and relationship problems.

A little relationship counseling usually can correct these patterns.

Watch it closely, take notes and pass it on!

And as always, Marry YourSelf First! to prevent this from happening to you!

1.) They don’t clearly know what they’re looking for. If you want a Mercedes, you have to look for a Mercedes. It would helpful to shop at places that have Mercedes and talk with people who have Mercedes or at least know people who have Mercedes. If you go to Kmart thinking that you’ll find a Mercedes you’ll set yourself up for a Yugo. Too many women have little or no direction for what they truly want in a relationship, therefore they end up having no compass or direction for finding a quality guy.

Solution: Make a list…a written list of your Deal-Makers (the “have to have” list) and Deal-Breakers (the “will never, never, never tolerate” list). Then, simply follow the list.

2.) They don’t stick to their boundaries, limits and parameters. “Thou shalt not settle” should be the 11th commandment. Too many women settle for beneath their standards. They fall prey to the “scarcity myth”, believing that they won’t find the right guy. Can you hear that song from the 70’s: Bad Love Is Better Than No Love?

Solution: Okay, so you made your Deal-Maker and Deal-Breaker list but you’re not sticking to it because “it’s too hard” or “maybe I’m asking for too much” or “there aren’t any good guys left out there.” If so, then it’s time for some accountability. Get yourself an accountability partner who won’t let you manipulate your success formula, or hire a coach to help you.

3.) They don’t assert themselves. Women can get into fear and not assert themselves. Yes, the guy is “supposed” to lead and make the advances. At least that’s what we’ve been taught. So you find, know or see someone who might be a fit and you don’t take the initiative? Why not? Usually it’s fear: Fear of rejection, fear of being perceived as overly assertive (the “B” word) and/or fear of seeming to be “too forward.” The new F.E.A.R.: Face Everything And Rejoice!

Solution: There is only one way to build a new behavior: Action, action and more action. Every chance you have, assert yourself. Ask for what you what, need and/or desire. Start by practicing at the grocery store: Ask for a paper bag instead of plastic.

4.) They go too fast. The best relationships, and those which last the longest, are cooked in the slow-cooker, not the microwave. Too many women allow the relationship to progress too fast and can often appear to be needy or desperate. This only attracts needy, desperate guys, and will drive away the healthy guys. Go slow…be like molasses and enjoy the ride! There is a balance between conscious assertiveness and blind (hormone driven) recklessness.

Solution: Once again, write yourself out a “relationship game plan.” Be clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay; the order you want everything to occur; and then have either an accountability partner or a coach to help both your accountability and your awareness. The neuro-romantic hormones can be very powerful in distorting one’s reality. Just like “driving under the influence” is not a good idea, “deciding under the influence” can be tricky too.

5.) They self-sabotage success. These can all be viewed as forms of self-sabotage, but this is a particular niche: The fear of success. Usually because of old, old, unhealed wounds from childhood or past relationships, many women actually subconsciously fear the intimacy and vulnerability necessary for high quality relationships. When they start to feel too close, too connected or too committed, they subconsciously hit the self-destruct button. Yes, the fear of success is alive and well.

Solution: This is the most difficult piece to do by yourself, so I’m going to suggest that you consider hiring a coach or a therapist to break through old patterns. If you seem to keep coming up short, then something is going on beneath the surface and you’ll want to get to the root of it or else you’re likely to repeat the same pattern. Marry YourSelf First is the mantra I’d ask you to say, think and act on, every day in every way.

Have you figured out The Secret to living a happier life, having the best relationships and the most passionate career path?

Here’s a quick 2 minute reminder (hint: It all starts with that person in the mirror!)…

And as always, Marry YourSelf First!