I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.

Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.

Why do people cheat?

Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.

But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.

All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.

But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…

You get the picture, right?

The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.

But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?

Wow! These numbers are not so common.

And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”

Sorry to be the bearer of the news.

The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.

This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.

So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?

Answer: It’s “easier” not to.

The problem is that “easier” is often not better.

But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.

We are a “change ignorant” people.

(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)

Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.

But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.

Sound contradictory?

Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”

And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.

The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.

Just four simple points:

1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.

2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.

3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.

4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.

Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.

But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?

AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.

I do know a guy….

More from Ken Donaldson…

Start today: Marry YourSelf First!

Staying faithful a task for some: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com

Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp

My friends at Fox and I chatted a bit about Maria and Arnold a while back…but we really got into some deeper issues and dynamics…unfortunately we ran out of time.

Affairs, infidelity and betrayal are always big tough issues to work through.

Getting beyond betrayal, healing infidelity and moving past the hurt, pain and trauma of an affair is very challenging and can be overwhelming.

In other words, making a change of that magnitude is very difficult AND very uncommon.

The last question raised was on the show was: “Getting back to the whole trust thing; would somebody in that situation, let’s say Maria,  ever trust anybody to that same level?”

My response was that Maria could actually trust more.

What?!! How could that possibly be true?

For a moment, forget about this being specifically about Maria.

After all, she does deserve some privacy, right?

AND this is a much bigger issue with HUGE underlying dynamics.

As odd as it sounds, you would think somebody that’s been wounded at this level would never allow herself to be hurt again.

Which would be a great choice…but HOW she does it is really the key.

The big question is more about working through the “woundedness.”

Quick fix?

No…not at all. In fact, it will most likely take a lot of time, effort and energy. Most likely some intense therapy, a tremendous amount of honest self-reflection and some major reworking of the inner values and outer boundaries.

Change at this level requires a mammoth commitment.

And most people, unfortunately, will NOT put the necessary time and energy into the healing and growth process. Actually most people probably don’t even know that they can heal and grow past the pain.

Instead, they walk around hurt, wounded and unhealed and, as a result, make even poorer decisions in their future.

Do you think you can really make a good decision if your mind is clouded and influenced by the hurt, anger and resentment of past wounds?

The real question for anyone in this situation is: Do you WANT to heal, grow and expand?

Most everyone responds with a resounding “Yes!”

But why, then, do most people not follow through?

The same reason people overeat when they know it’s unhealthy, overspend when they know they don’t have the money and get into relationships they know are not good for them.

Why do people do all this!!?

Brain confusion…yes, their brain gets confused with too many different messages and usually does not pick the most logical (and usually healthiest) path.

Why does the brain get confused? Because you actually have three brains all trying to deliver varying messages to you.

Which message do most people listen to?

Usually the one with the biggest emotional charge.

Are emotions rational and logical (or healthy)?

NO!…Not usually.

The three brains:

• The Inner Brain: The most primitive and activates your fight or flight mechanism. Also, the basic survival drives for food, water and procreation. Basic emotions of fight or flight, freeze or hide and live or die.
• The Middle Brain: More advanced but still without reason… the basic “love and loyalty” drives originate here.
• The Outer Brain: The most advanced (only humans and apes have this) and where logic, conscious thinking and reasoning come from. Also, this where our “ethical thinking” comes from, meaning unique values, rules and guidelines for living.

SO…for example: The Inner Brain is obsessed with pure lust. The Middle Brain is driven by love and devotion. The Outer Brain is infatuated with an amazing romantic experience.

A pretty woman or handsome guy comes along and the Inner Brain screams out for sex, the Middle Brain falls in love and the Outer Brain tries to figure out how to make it all happen ethically.

See the conflicts? And ALL the different and even contradictory messages?

And too often the Inner Brain wins….the primal survival instincts.

Another example: You are offered the Super Duper Size order of French fries. Your Outer Brain says, “No, those are bad for you.” Your Middle Brain doesn’t really care one way or the other although it does recall a time when you shared French fries with a past romantic interest. And your Inner Brain screams, “Get all you can as this could be the last meal you ever have and more fat with help protect you!”

The Inner Brain often wins again.

See and hear the problem?

Add to that the many complexities of memory, conditioning and all the other known and unknown variables of the brain and you can quickly surmise why people have some of the issues that they do.

AND why people don’t change for their own good.

When you bring this all back to Maria (and all those others who have had similar experiences) you can see that she could work through all this and actually be even more conscious, more aware and more loving….AND even more trusting.

Will she? Who knows? That’s totally up to her.

And bringing it back to you: Is there anything you’re still reacting to from your past that is getting in the way of your future?

Perhaps now is the time to clear it.

Is it easy? No. It probably will require a great deal of effort, energy and commitment…and a lot of going out of your comfort zone…a whole lot!

Are you worth it?

Yes….

Time to ChangeUp…it works when you work it.

More from Ken Donaldson…

Today: Marry YourSelf First!

Lies about money get tough to hide: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com

I visited my friends from Fox 13 again to discuss Financial Infidelity. Although they edited much of what we discussed (and it was really good…honest!) the overall message here is clear: Get honest with your honey and your money!

Read more from Ken Donaldson.

Marry YourSelf First!!

The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships (Assertiveness to Zealousness and Everything In-Between):

•    Assertiveness: You must ask for what you want…directly.

•    Boundaries: Know what to say yes to and what to say no to.

•    Communication: The cornerstone of all healthy relationships.

•    Deal Makers/ Deal Breakers: The absolutes and unbendable.

•    Emotional Management: Manage your own inside game.

•    Focus-Fear-Faith: Whatever you focus on is where you’ll go.

•    God: Practice your spirituality; whatever it is.

•    Humor: MUST have this for flexibility in the relationship…and life!

•    Integrity: Operating from your wholeness.

•    Jealousy: Just say “NO!” to jealousy.

•    Ken on Call: Have a coach or counselor you can go to help if/when you need to.

•    Logs on the Fire: Keep the fire of passion going.

•    Most Important: Operate from your values…always!

•    NO Blame, Shame or Games: Stay away as these are the three destroyers of all relationships.

•    Openness: Stay open, be honest and lead with willingness.

•    Purpose: Live according to your purpose…put purpose in your relationship…make it big and exciting!

•    Questions: Make inquiries and be curious….stay away from accusations.

•    Rituals: Create positive rituals to create ongoing positive energy.

•    Support Networks: Always have people you can turn to for help.

•    Tongue-Foo Bull-Fighting: Know how to step out of the way, when to listen and when to walk away.

•    Understanding: Always seek to understand and build a bridge.

•    Validation: Seek to find and validate each other’s emotions.

•    Work-Life Balance: Leave work at work…make time to relax and recharge.

•    X (Ex) Relationship Baggage: Leave the past in the past.

•    Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Live in today…period!

•    Zealousness: Always find the zeal in the life and bring it into the relationship.

Click here to get the FREE couples guide: Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!

And Marry YourSelf First!

I visited my friends at Fox 13 again last week to discuss The Healing Power of Live.

Included in the conversation was Psychoneuroimmunology (a BIG $.50 word!),  Norman Cousins and Anatomy of an Illness,  Dr. Bernie Segal from Love, Medicine and Miracles, Dr. Larry Dossey and his book Healing Words and Gerald Jampolsky from Attitudinal Healing International.

We were even able to bring some of the core Marry YourSelf First principles into the discussion.

Does love have some “secret” healing power?

We thought so based scientific information and from a couple viewer comments.

What do you think? Feel free to leave a comment below…

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

We’re becoming relationship dummies.

It’s time to get smart and raise your Relational Intelligence (RQ)!

But how do you raise your RQ?

Let’s start by understanding three components of a highly intelligent relationship culture and what it takes to make healthy relationships:

First, let’s all learn how to effectively deal with conflict and differences.

Second, let’s practice commitment and apply commitment actions to make relationships last.

Third, let’s all be good relationship role models for our children and for future generations.

When we do that, we begin to break the dysfunctional cycle of divorce and domestic violence!

Additionally, it’s wise to know the healthy stages of the relationship continuum. Yes, relationships grow and develop through stages and if you don’t know the stages, then you’re bound to get lost and create relationship havoc for yourself and others.

It’s also worthwhile to know what the most common divorce predictors and indicators of relationship failure are. Always good to know what the early warning signs are!

Perhaps the biggest piece of relationship intelligence is knowing how to effectively communicate, especially with emotionally charged issues.

This is commonly referred to as the “intentional dialogue” and it has very specific techniques that help the people in the conversation stay in the conversation and manage the emotional state of the conversation.

As odd as it may sound, it’s also wise to create a proactive “Relationship Success Plan.” Actually, this only sounds odd because most people don’t do it. Always best to do this before you’re in a relationship, but is equally as valuable to create once you are in a relationship.

When you apply new methods of creating positive rituals in relationships, you also increase your RQ.

And when you understand how to increase positive energy in your relationships, your RQ is raised as well.

It’s time for us to realize that relationship education is no longer an option…it’s mandatory. Reading, writing and arithmetic are not going to prevent divorce, domestic violence or depression. We need life skills training that targets confidence building, self esteem enhancement and basic conflict resolution skills. This is the start to creating healthier individuals who can then create healthier relationships.

It’s time to create relationship education that will change our relationship priorities…that will make us relationally smarter….and raise our RQ!

I invite you to do something to help break these patterns and create a happy, healthy and more harmonious legacy for our future generations.

Go ahead…I dare you!

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!

Relationships: Why is it that some people seem to have such ease with them, and other people seem to chronically struggle with them?

Perhaps it’s because some people have prepared themselves and others haven’t.

From my 25 years of experience working with people on the frontlines and in the trenches of their relationship challenges, I have discovered that some people plan and some people don’t.

Sounds too simplistic, doesn’t it?!!

It’s not, as the same rules apply for business. The successful businesses have plans and those that are not successful, don’t.

Simple, yes, but very true.

By now, you’ve heard the saying that “people don’t plan to fail; they just fail to plan.” This saying is most likely the cause of relationship success (and failure).

In fact, there are ten primary factors that I have seen people who are more successful in their relationships use over and over.

Would you like to know what these ten factors are?

Cool!

Maybe the easiest way to introduce them is through a self-evaluation.

Consider this the “10 Step Program for Relationship Success.”

The following evaluation will assist you in assessing your life which, if you didn’t know, is the foundation for all healthy relationships.

At the same time of providing you with helpful feedback to create a happy life and an exciting career, this simple test will direct you to develop the core essentials to create the healthiest relationships possible.

Feel free to share this with your friends, family and loved ones and ask for their input and feedback.

On the following ten items, rate each item using a 0 to 10 scale:

• 8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and supports my success in life
• 5-7:   OK; this area needs to be strengthened for me to be truly successful
• 0-4:   Needs Work; this area could stop me from going forward and being successful

1.  Vision: I have an exciting Vision for my life and I’m clear where I’m going in life.

2.  Purpose: I have a deep understanding of my Life Purpose and the importance of it in my life and in the lives of others I impact.

3.  Values and Priorities: I know my values and have taken the time to write down the ten most important values of my life. I also know my day-to-day priorities that keep me focused.

4.  Soul Food and Spirituality: I am aware of the activities, people, places and events which energize me and feed my personal spirituality.

5.  Boundaries: I am aware of the boundaries I need to keep with myself and I’m confident about setting boundaries with others, all of which support my Vision, Purpose and Values.

6.  Support Network: I have a powerful support network I use regularly. I ask for assistance in getting past stuck points and I use the power of the “MasterMind” to generate new ideas and solutions.

7.  Life Balance: I regularly evaluate and have a measurable system to check my life balance and I make the necessary adjustments, while also realizing that life is always moving and there is no perfect balance.

8.  Communication: I am comfortable using the most assertive communication tactics necessary to get my needs met and my goals accomplished. I especially practice my listening skills as I realize that listening is the most powerful part of effective communication.

9.  Living in the Present: I am always focused on being in the present (rather than the past or the future) and I have moved past old hurts, resentments and/or trauma.

10.  Flexible: I know that I am “perfectly imperfect” and I use humor, light-heartedness and silliness to manage any and all stress, and I avoid becoming overly serious about anything!

Total your score and let’s see how you did:

80-100= Green Light: You’re on track for highly successful relationships…keep growing forward!

50-79=Yellow Light: There are some areas of your life that need attention in order for you to truly have the relationship you desire.

0-49=RED LIGHT: It’s time to put YOU first and focus on these foundational areas that will support all your future success, especially in your relationships.

There you go: A brand new 10 Step Program for Relationship Success.

Master these ten areas and not only will you have extraordinary relationships, but you’ll also have an extraordinary life.

After all, the two do go together!

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

“Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you.  They are not perfect but are always perfect for you.” ~Author Unknown

Imagine two lovers in a canoe fully enjoying the bliss of each other’s company as they’re paddling down this beautiful river of life.

Suddenly, one of them turns to adjust to some minor rapids…the canoe suddenly becomes unstable and the pleasure and harmony the two of them had been sharing suddenly disappears into fear and shock.

“What the heck are you doing?!!…Stop rocking the canoe,” one shouts to the other.

Then the unthinkable happens…one of them is flung from the canoe into the water.

And the blame game then commences.

“Look what you made me do…you made me fall into the water…you moron!”

“I was just trying to help…can’t you see that? Besides, you’ll dry off,” is a typical rational, but yet defensive response.

“Trying to help?!! How the #!#!!! was that helping?!!”

“Quit overreacting…You’re always so dramatic!”

“You insensitive #!!##%!!…thank you so much for caring!”

“Great…and now you have to get sarcastic just like your mother!”

Freeze frame.

What’s going on here?

This is called “life showing up in the midst of the relationship”, but certainly not the optimal management of such.

Let’s face it, there will be times when life suddenly and unexpectedly turns and throws you a wicked screwball.

These are the moments when you’re all tested to see how well you can manage stress, self, life and relationships.

Not always an easy juggling act.

But here are 7 simple steps and reminders that will prove to be helpful:

1.) When unexpected change occurs (like rapids in the river of life), do your best to communicate to each other about what you’re doing to respond to the situation. “Honey, I’m going to shift myself to the other side of the canoe…just wanted to let you know.”

Simple, right?

2.) In case the former (#1) does NOT occur, do your best to respond to the unexpected reaction of your partner in as graceful a way as possible. “I’m noticing you’re moving…what are you going to do next? What would be best for me to do?”

I know…sounds too simple, doesn’t it? The simple stuff is almost always best when it comes to effective communication.

3.)  And should the unfortunate happen and you accidentally get flung out of the comfort of your canoe into the river of life, it’s best to simply request some assistance first and foremost. “I was wondering if you could help me.”

Again, simple is simple…and best!

4.) Be reminded that the primary connection point in any relationship is the ability to understand and support each other. Too often, when an emotional charge is introduced, one or both people in the relationship turn their backs on each other or, worse yet, attack each other.

That’s a great way to sink the canoe in a hurry!

5.) That being said, it’s important to remind yourself that you can override your emotional state. Even though emotions are very powerful and sometimes seem to be in control, you and your logical mind actually have the final say.

Find your sanity and say something nice…yes, simple, right?!!

6.) When you get into the canoe, you might want to remind each other of the possibility of rapids. Although it’s impossible to plan for every change that occurs in life, it’s always good to have a proactive plan when you can.

7.) Listen first; speak later…then listen more; and speak much later. Active listening is your most powerful ally. It’ll keep you from saying something that you may regret later, as well as anything that could be potentially hurtful.

Remember: Your partner is a human being with emotions…do what YOU can to take care of those emotions…when you both do that, you have an unbeatable team against the stress, change and strain of life.

Then, when you have done all that, you’ll be able to dance in your relationship canoe and maintain the balance of life.

Yep, you will.

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

More from Ken Donaldson…

How do you manage yourself, your work-life balance, and at the same time, maintain physical and mental health, harmony in your family and an overall sense of happiness?

Life is challenging today and when additional pressures are added, without the proper resources, something can break down, resulting in decreased performance, poor health, unnecessary personal power struggles and an overall bad attitude.

The good news is that you can do something about all this.

It all starts with YOU managing YOU First!

Are YOU up for it?

Let’s look at some of the current research related to work-life balance (or the lack thereof) and career satisfaction:

1.   26% of U.S. adults report being on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown.

2.   40% of U.S. workers describe their office environment as “most like a real-life survivor program.”

3.   62% of U.S. workers routinely end the day with work-related neck pain, 44% report strained eyes, 38% complain of hand pain, and 34% report difficulty in sleeping due to work-related stress.

4.   26% of U.S. workers take no vacations at all.

5.   88% of U.S. employees say they have a hard time juggling work and life.

6.   70% of U.S. working fathers and working mothers report they don’t have enough time for their children.

7.   64% of Americans report that time pressures on working families are getting worse, not better.

8.   Americans work 137 more hours per year than Japanese workers, 260 more hours per year than British workers, and 499 more hours per year than French workers. The Japanese document approximately 10,000 cases per year of “death by overwork,” or karoosh. Considering the above stats, what must the undocumented U.S. numbers be??

9.   People in the U.S. work approximately 8 weeks longer per year than in 1969—in the space of a single generation—but for roughly the same income (after adjusting for inflation)

10. AND the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics tracks just about everything but worker satisfaction.

So…what does one make from all this?

Work-life balance? Where is it? It doesn’t seem to exist.

Let’s add in a few more “realities of life.”

• 50% of first marriages end in divorce. This goes up to 60% for second timers and 70% for third times.

Obviously changing partners is not the solution, but more importantly, take a look at what must be relational ignorance.

Relationship intelligence? Lacking, to say the least.

How, then, do we cope with all these work and relational challenges?

Not so well.

Here’s more:

• One in every five Americans suffers from a diagnosable mental condition and the majority of those people never receive treatment.

• Alcoholism and alcohol abuse are the third leading cause of the preventable deaths in the United States.

• From 1960 to 2006, the prevalence of obesity increased from 13.4% to 35.1% in U.S. adults age 20 to 74.

• 15 million people display some sign of gambling addiction.

• A VERY conservative estimate suggests that 3% – 5% of the U.S. population struggles with “sexual compulsion disorders.”

SO…what to do with all this?

Manage YOU First!

Yes, you must know how to manage you first.

What does this mean?

How about a new 13 Step Program?

1.)         Manage Your Personal Vision

2.)         Manage Your Life Purpose

3.)         Manage Your Unique Values

4.)         Manage Your Fear

5.)         Manage Your Past: Feel It, Heal It and Release It

6.)         Manage Your Emotions

7.)         Manage Your Thoughts

8.)         Manage Your Belief System

9.)         Manage Your Actions (and Reactions)

10.)      Manage Your Relationships

11.)      Manage Your Career

12.)      Manage Your Free Time

13.)      Manage Your Health

There…start with that.

Effectively manage these 13 steps and you’ll avoid being one of the above statistics.

Manage You First and you’ll win every time…you’ll win with your health, your career, your relationships, your happiness and, of course, your life.

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!