This is a dynamic that is, unfortunately, very commonplace in relationships today. Always know that if you’re feeling jealousy or have insecurities, it’s on you to resolve it. In other words, it’s YOUR issue!

It is a great opportunity for you to take a deep look inside yourself and really ask yourself, “What is it that I feel insecure or jealous about? What is it about ME that’s causing this?” If you have insecure feelings with somebody else or have jealousy, know that’s just a projection…a projection of something going on deep inside of you.

Yes, it’s so much easier for us to look outwardly and put the focus on another person and try to make it about them. To even look at the other person and say, “They did this that caused me to feel jealous or insecure.”

But that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. If somebody is doing something that is that outlandish, or that’s breaking trust, that is an obvious deal-breaker and you need to think about why you’re in that relationship…period!

But what CAN YOU do about these insecurities and feelings of jealousy? First, it’s good to know that this most likely comes from some place deep inside that is typically connected to an old wound. In fact, it often comes from events that have occurred very early in life.

(Side note: This would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

It’s time to do a thorough examination and inventory of yourself and your history, and ask yourself:
• What were the primary messages that I received about myself?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my self-worth?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my identity?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my looks?
• What were the primary messages that I received about my capabilities?
• What were the primary messages that I received about others?
• What were the primary messages that I received about relationships?

These messages are not always obvious and often they may have been expressed in a more subtle way. Through looks, body language, facial expressions or even silence. So even though you may have been brought up in a really healthy and normal environment, there may have been some other things that you picked up on that were just really subtle messages. And you may have made you own conclusions based on incorrect assumptions or interpretations.

But really ask yourself this one core question: How did I feel about myself when I was growing up. And then also ask yourself:
• What’s my history in past relationships?
• Have I been burned?
• Have I been taken advantage of?
• Have I been cheated on?
• Is there any unresolved energy there that’s starting to rear its ugly head?

Here’s the bottom-line to this whole jealousy and insecurity issue: Things that are unresolved from childhood or past relationships will continually come up until you put them to rest!

If you leave a relationship, the issues will follow you to the next and the next and the next…in fact, you’ll probably even pick the same kind of person because there is so much unresolved energy going on at a subconscious level.

The message to the subconscious mind has to be that the “war” is over, all is now safe, and it’s now time for peace. When there are significant unresolved issues, our mind can get stuck at the subconscious level and play over and over like a broken record. This is particularly true when there has been something really traumatic. And if you don’t know how to “scratch the record” and get it to jump into the present, then it’ll keep playing that at a subconscious level.

Start with these simple exercises:
1. Write an uncensored letter to any and all past partners who you felt had hurt or betrayed you in any way. Write all your feelings and emotions. Write until you can’t write any more. Then have a ceremony and burn the letters. Release the resentment…Release the grudge…Release the hurt.

2. Imagine that you bring “younger you” into the present. What would you want to express to him or her about life…relationships…and him or herself? Think about how you would affirm, acknowledge, support, care for, love and protect that younger part of you. Do this daily and create a “corrective experience.”

So, if you find yourself feeling jealous and insecure, it is a great time for YOU to do some healing and growing…embrace the moment!

(Second side note: Again, this would be a great time to hook up with a therapist and have somebody to guide you through the healing process!)

Please Leave a Comment Below for Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First! every day in every way!

Is Your Relationship Living or Dying?

This is a classic question being asked by many wives today. The first thing to do is the obvious: Ask him! And in asking him, have you clarified to him how important it is to you and to the kids?

Here are a few things to be aware of when asking:

• Be aware of “how” you’re asking.
• Are you nagging, whining or complaining? Ask in a positive tone.
• When are you asking? Pick a time when he’s available and not preoccupied.

All of which brings up the next question: Have you and your husband been practicing good communication or have you done what many couples do and just gone on autopilot?

Autopilot is a common relationship dynamic that silently says, “Let’s keep it comfortable, predictable and familiar.” Unfortunately, comfortable, predictable and familiar do not allow for  growth and if there’s no growth, the relationship can and will become very stagnant very fast. Sometimes what a relationship needs more than anything else is a shakeup. Something out of the ordinary, like a new way of interacting. Too many couples have become passive and they’ve stopped asking for what they truly want and need, and they’ve stopped making their requests.

In other words, they’ve begun to settle. And here’s a fact about settling: When you settle for less you always get less…never more! For example, couples often settle for setting fewer boundaries, which means they stop making the requests to fulfill their wants and needs, and they stop informing their partner about unacceptable behavior.

And what then happens is as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, there’s a growing separation and distance between the two. And then the wife’s simple issue of “I’d like you to spend more time with the kids,” turns into a resentment filled and fueled power-struggle.

This may sound like an evasion of the original question, but there are bigger issues and dynamics here. These issues don’t grow overnight; they usually have been festering for months, years and at times, even decades.

So the key is really about having healthy assertive communication. One of the greatest gifts one partner can give to another in a relationship is healthy communication. This is particularly relevant when it comes to conflict resolution. Oftentimes conflict resolution simply means to ask the more difficult and sometimes emotionally charged questions.

This issue of the husband spending more time with the family may be one of those situations where there may be a tendency to skate around the issue because it might feel uncomfortable. Like, “I don’t feel like asking him because he might get irritated,” or “I might sound like I’m nagging.”

However, the goal here is simple: Ask and make the request anyway. You must often just take the action that’s uncomfortable or awkward. And yes, it may even stir the pot and create a little conflict, but if you don’t confront and deal with conflict, the relationship will, by default, go on autopilot, and relationships die in autopilot mode!

Die?!! Yes…here’s why: Everything in life is either living or dying. Which means your life is either growing and expanding or shriveling and dying.

And if you’re not addressing issues straight-up and confronting dynamics that are unacceptable, then the relationship is starting to die.

So, how can you get your husband to spend more time with the family? It starts with you communicating effectively and assertively. If you’re not there or can’t seem to get there, or if there has been a continual cycle of breakdowns after you’ve tried over and over again, then it’s time to hire a professional.

It’s amazing what a couple of counseling sessions with a good relationship counselor can do! Have a few sessions with someone who can actively teach you how to effectively communicate with each other.

Do all this and the question of “How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?” answers itself.

Leave a comment below…

Marry YourSelf First! for the Best Relationships

Come listen in for my mom’s 85th birthday as she shares some of her 85 years of wisdom…

Here’s Mom’s Basic Rules for Living 85 Years of Health, Happiness and Harmony

1. Let yourself be a little funky at times.
2. Allow yourself to be loved and cherished.
3. Eat healthy and good (Thai) food.
4. Be extraordinary and humble.
5. Be grateful and thankful.
6. Exercise daily.
7. Dance…sometimes in the privacy of yourself so you can “kick up your heals.”
8. Take vitamins to add to health.
9. Walk every day (mostly).
10. Have positive thoughts.
11. Practice patience and perseverance with difficult (and sometimes grumpy) people.
12. Have a good sense of humor.
13. Yield to resistance.
14. Respect privacy…have boundaries.
15. Honor your relationships.

So…got a comment? Leave it below!

Why Marry YourSelf First! Because my mom said so!

Want more passion, power, purpose and peace in your life?

Then make yourself a Vision Map…better, yet, join me for the next Vision Map workshop…scroll down for more information.

1.)  Your Vision Map will better define your life purpose.

2.)  Your Vision Map will keep you better aligned with your values.

3.)  Your Vision Map will reinforce your boundaries.

4.)  Your Vision Map will guide you to happier and healthier relationships.

5.)  Your Vision Map will give your career a boost…and maybe the change it’s needed.

6.)  Your Vision Map will add more balance to your life.

7.)  Your Vision Map will help you stay more focused on your goals.

8.)  Your Vision Map will help to make your priorities more clear.

9.)  Your Vision Map will get you better tuned in to your spirituality.

10.)  Your Vision Map will empower you.

11.)  Your Vision Map will help you pick better friends.

12.)  Your Vision Map will enhance your health.

13.)  Your Vision Map will get you more connected with your creativity.

14.)  Your Vision Map will help you get more fun in your life.

15.)  Your Vision Map is a great stress management tool.

16.)  Your Vision Map will remind you of your greatness.

17.)  Your Vision Map will give you a daily affirmation.

18.)  Your Vision Map will help you stay focused on your future (instead of your past).

19.)  Your Vision Map will help you embrace positive changes in your life.

20.)  Your Vision Map will give you the vision you need to get to where you truly deserve – and desire – to be in life.

 Click here for the official page of the next 201o Vision Map workshop at Yoga Village in Clearwater.

 And Marry YourSelf First!

Ken Donaldson Keynote at D.W. Waters Graduation

I had the privilege and honor on this past Thursday evening of delivering the graduation keynote for the D.W. Waters class of 2010.

Just to give you a little insight, D.W. Waters’ motto is “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish that counts!”

No big deal, right?

Wrong!

This is a WAY special class…check out their enrollment criteria:
 • At least 16 years of age
 • At least one year behind in school                                                    
 • No record of severe discipline problems
 • Wants to focus on a chosen Career Cluster at DWWCC (D. W. Waters Career Center)
 • Willing to commit to workplace training (OJT)

These are the students who make “high risk” look like every day living. For whatever reason (pregnancy, emotional and/or learning challenges, abuse, etc.), these courageous young people chose to continue on.

Most of them were so far behind that they couldn’t even imagine catching up, much less graduating.

And it would have been easier to quit!

A group of about 12 students sang the musical selection for the ceremony, I Believe I Can Fly. A perfect song for the students, the school and the event.

Here are the lyrics in case you’re not familiar with song:

“I Believe I Can Fly”
~R. KELLY

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I’m leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

Hey, cause I believe in me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly
I can fly
I can fly, hey
If I just spread my wings
I can fly
Fly-eye-eye

Anyway, I thought long and hard about what to say to them.

So I decided to dare them…yes, I simply dared them…

I dared them to find and be the greatness that they truly are.

I dared them to find their unique purpose and live it every day in every way.

I dared them to find their own personal soul food and to continually, without fail, feed their spirit.

I dare them to figure out, set and maintain the boundaries that will empower them, to say a resounding “Yes” to all they do want, need and desire, and say a resonant “No” to all they will not tolerate.

I dared them to realize that the world needs them today more than ever, and the answers to the world’s problems will not come from Washington or Hollywood, but rather, from each and every one of them.

I dared them to surround themselves with the people who love them, accept them and encourage them, and to step away from those who don’t.

I dared them to tell themselves, time and time again, that they are deserving, gifted and of great value, and to say that to themselves as their powerful and affirming mantra.

I dared them to realize that life is full of unexpected challenges (I mentioned this as a very young child in the audience began to express herself in a very assertive way!) and one of the greatest gifts we can all give to ourselves is the gift of humor, which allows us to be flexible and fluid as we navigate down the river of life.

I dared them to remind that person in the mirror of their greatness, their importance, their value and their purpose, time and time and time again.

Yes, I simply dared them to be great.

Them, their parents, their friends, the teachers, and everyone else who was there on Thursday…I dared them all.

But the greatest dare I addressed was the dare to myself…to live what I said; to practice what I preached; to be the model of the dare.

What about you…have you dared yourself lately?

I dare you…

PS I hope to have a video of the whole presentation soon…I think it’ll worth watching…stay tuned!

Ken at D.W. Waters with another Marry YourSelf First fan!

 Marry YourSelf First!

Feel free to leave a comment or two…