Got a question you’d like to ask me live?

You’ll have your chance this Wednesday (7/28) as I’ll be the guest on “The Ask Vera Show”

The Ask Vera Show is every 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month. It’s a 30 minute free show focused on answering the toughest questions on relationship issues.

Vera will be grilling me with her most challenging relationship questions and you’re invited to do the same!

Come join us and tell your friends.

Call in number: 1 808 206-9730

Conference ID: 208018#

I hope to “see” you and your friends then and there!

Click here for all the details

Marry YourSelf First!

I was recently asked to respond to some questions about heart break and the people who are heartbroken or who’ve had a heartbreaking experience  for an upcoming article in a major publication. I won’t know if they’ll use any of this for quite a while, but I welcome your input to really make this the best possible.

Below are the questions they posed to me and my “off the top of head” responses.

What other questions would be good to ask regarding break-ups and heart break? What might I be missing or overseeing? How else do you think I can help the heartbroken? What else do you think I can do to prevent future heartbreaking experiences?

Feel free to comment below.

1. What is the biggest challenge with people trying to overcome heartbreak?
Getting through the pain is the biggest challenge. Plain and simple. It sometimes feels like it’s going to last forever. Or that you’re forever scarred. Sometimes minutes seem like weeks and days seem like years. And then there’s also all the racing thoughts: Trying to figure it all out. “Why did this happen?” and “What did I do wrong?” are common, but the Mac-Daddy is “Why does this always happen to me?”The biggest challenge is staying out of the blame game and not feeling like a victim.

In other words, the biggest challenge is figuring out how to move on without resentment, guilt or shame. How to get back on your life-path and go forward with hope and optimism.

2. What is the best thing to do when you have had your heart broken?
Give yourself time…as much as you need. Talk about it with your friends if you need to and write about it if that helps. But more than anything else give it time.

Yes, time does heal all wounds, especially if you give yourself guilt-free, shame-free and resentment-free time.

Yes, it’s good to review and see what happened. See what you can learn for your future. See what you can glean from it to make your future relationships even better.

It’s also good to look at this as something that happened, not something that someone “did to you.”

Stay out of the victim role. Sometimes these things just happen and they don’t make any sense. They just happen.

3. Should you see your “ex”?
Yes…No…Maybe.

It all depends on a number of dynamics. If seeing your ex only makes you feel worse, then no. If the two of you fight or argue (maybe just like the “old days”), then no again.

But if the two of you can have a good conversation, or better yet, a healing conversation, then sure, go ahead and see each other. Can the two of you celebrate the wonderful times you spent together? Can you tell each other what you appreciate about each other? Can you, in a loving way, also share with each other what didn’t work, or what was unacceptable?

Perhaps you can even kindle a friendship from this. Give this all the time it needs and don’t try to rush it.

Remember that this may be a very vulnerable time and you may not be seeing things clearly if there is still a lot of emotion going on.

4. How should people who have separated but have children together behave around one another? What if one partner is mean to the other?
This is a very important element, perhaps even the most important. The children did not do anything to cause this, as this is between the two of you. So at least agree on one rule: Do NOT put the children in the middle nor use them as pawns.

At the very least, speak of each other in a neutral way. Try, however, to be complimentary of each other. And if you think you can hide feelings of anger or resentment from your kids, you’re mistaken. They’ll pick up on it, although they most likely will not say anything about it.

Allow the children to talk about their feelings, but also give them their space. Be respectful of them.

If one parent is mean, just make sure you don’t respond in the same way. Also, even though that would be a great opportunity to speak negatively about your ex, don’t do it. Again, at the very least, stay neutral.

If the kids want to talk about the other parent’s anger or meanness, allow them the safe space to do so.

If this is an ongoing dynamic, then bringing a professional counselor into the mix would be highly recommended.

5. How should you talk about your partner in front of your children?
Again, at least be neutral, and try your very best to be positive and complimentary.

6. What should people do as they recover from a broken heart?
This is a time for recovery and recovery takes many different paths for different people. Some depression is normal, although you don’t want to “feed” the depression. Sunshine, fresh air and gently moving the body are all good natural antidotes for this type of situational depression. Use your support system and surround yourself with compassionate and understanding people. Realize, however, that some people don’t know what to do or what to say, so sometimes they do or say things that can be counterproductive.

Music, dance and artwork are all forms of self-expression that can be very helpful in the healing process.

Joining a support group or a therapy group can also be beneficial.

But remember that recovery takes time and there is no hurry to “get back out there.”

It’s wise to thoroughly review what happened, when you’re ready, and see what you can learn…see what you can carry forward to improve your life and your future relationships.

7. What should people NOT do as they recover from a broken heart?
The worse things you can do:

• Immediately start dating again. You’ll most likely carry all the hurt, anger and whatever else you’re feeling right into the next relationship. Also, you’re thinking and “picking mechanism” is not going to be grounded and clear during this time, so you’re most likely to get into something that could be highly dysfunctional.

• Get into the blame game. It’s easy to take the other person’s inventory and look at everything they did wrong or bad, even if they did do inappropriate things. But what’s the point? The more time and energy you spend focused on that, the longer it’ll take you to move on.

• Get into the victim mentality. How about this: It’s no one’s fault. It just happened…period. Even though it might not make sense and even though there may be many unanswered questions, this is the time to heal and begin to move forward. Instead of getting into “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I can’t believe he-she did this to me,” or how about “live and let live,” as the people in AA say, just pay attention to what you need right now.

This also includes getting into lengthy discussions with your friends about how bad he or she was. It’s time to release and mend your own heart. Staying focused on the pain will only keep you focused on the pain.

8. When is the best time to start dating again after your heart has been broken?
There is no defined timetable as this depends a lot on each person and each unique relationship situation. Better to go slow than fast, as a rule. Socializing with your friends is great, probably sooner than later, but dating needs to have no rush. Many people dive into another relationship as a way to avoid the pain from the former one and usually only make things worse for themselves. When you do start to date again, go slow. Ask a lot of questions and remember what you learned from you past relationship. Perhaps your last relationship opened some insights to yourself; things you didn’t know about yourself previously. Play those new insights forward and create new boundaries for yourself. Be cautious, but also keep shuffling your feet forward.

Funny how we say “fall” in love when the word fall typically means something not so good. Maybe this next time you’ll gracefully tip-toe into love or walk into love.

(This is also where I’d want to put in a shameless plug for Marry YourSelf First, but they aren’t allowing any free PR!)

9. What advice do you have for people who are having trouble opening their hearts up again after a breakup?
Sometimes this happens and it is quite common and normal. This is where it may be good to seek out a professional counselor to help free you up. The mind sometimes plays tricks on us, causing us to think there is still some threat, when actually there is not. Go slow, use your support system thoroughly, including your counselor, and ask a lot of questions and evaluate. It’s okay to go slow…go as slow as you need. Take care of you!

10. How should you approach dating after going through a breakup?
Go slow and be thorough. Remember what you’ve learned. Think from your head, not your heart, meaning you need to make sure that you’re clear about your deal-makers and deal-breakers and that you stick to your boundaries and limits. If you’re not sure about all this, then it’s time to get clear. Use your support system to help, or maybe even a counselor if you can’t figure this out for yourself.

11. What is the best advice you can give to someone going through a breakup?
Decide that it’s done if it’s truly done and begin to heal, recover and move on. Too many people go back and forth unnecessarily, causing more pain. If you haven’t done everything possible, then perhaps you’ll want to get a counselor involved, but at some point you have to decide to either repair the relationship, or move on.
Limbo-land will drain the life out of you.

Surround yourself with truly loving, supportive and compassionate people. Don’t allow the negative people to bombard you with conversation about how bad he or she was.

Leave Your Comments Below…

And Marry YourSelf First Every Day!

Hear Wednesday’s interview-
Anything But Ordinary Radio
- Extraordinary Relationships

It was one of the better
interviews I’ve been a part of.

Of course, host of the show and
friend Michael McCleary,
does a great job…
he made it easy for me…
and fun!!

I know you’ll like it…
so will your friends…
go ahead…
impress them with who you know!

Still giving away f*r*e*e*
Marry YourSelf First! workbooks…
get yours here.

Happy Friday!

Are you ready for some great Relationship Counseling this Saturday?

Love Yourself Before You Love Again

Click here to register!

“The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark.”
~ Michelangelo: Italian artist and sculptor

I just want to know one thing: What are YOU aiming for?

Settling for the “easy” target?

Or are you one of the few (the 2%ers) who aims “too high”?

Either way, I’m here to support you.

I wrote “I Dare You” a couple years ago and I wanted to share it with you (again).

It’s long, yes, and usually only the 2%ers read it all the way through.

************
I Dare You

I dare you to read this ALL the way through to the end.

Then, I dare you to take the appropriate follow-up action.

Yes…I dare you!

I dare you to go stand in front of the mirror and ask the man or woman you see, “Who am I?”

I dare you to ask the question, “Who am I?”, until you answer it with a purpose for your life so rich and so deep it will give you chill bumps and adrenalin rushes just to think of it.

I dare you to then create a vision for your purpose so compelling that it will automatically pull you into it faster than the speed of light.

I dare you to ask yourself, “What is truly important to me?”, and not stop asking until you have determined all the values that are unique to you.

I dare you live in accordance with your values, your vision and your purpose regardless of  what others may say or do and regardless of what you think others may say or do.

Yes, I dare you to march to the beat of your drum even if you are the only one with that beat, that rhythm and that tune.

I dare you to be truly you.

I dare you to recall that this nation was build on the foundation of only a handful of people who had the values, the vision and purpose to make things different…yes, they did and because of them, we have the lives we live today.

I dare you to show up at your best when the rest of the world appears to be at its worst.

I dare you to pick and choose the people who will support your purpose, vision and values and let go of the others who won’t.

I dare you to never settle again for any level of relationship that is destructive, abusive and/or energy-draining.

Yes, I dare you to live a life of total integrity.

I dare you to let go of the fears of failure, rejection, change and, yes, even success, and instead, embrace the belief that Life is forever Loving and the Universe has unlimited prosperous abundance just for the asking.

I dare you to laugh at stress and see the unimportance of making mistakes, errors and/or failures to control your mood, your thoughts or your life in any way, shape or form.

I dare you to sing, dance, write, paint, draw or otherwise express your creativity without comparing yourself to others.

I dare you to be truly you…100%!!

I dare to take all this and live it every day, 24-7-365, and should you slip back into your old ways that you just simply come back and gently remind yourself of your commitment to your personal path of your personal excellence.

Yes, I dare you to be different.

I dare you to not allow yourself to be influenced by the “bigger, better, faster, more, now” machine.

I dare you to find your own pulse and simply follow it.

And when you walk past the mirror that you’ve been gazing into, I dare you to be reminded again and again of your unique beauty, your unique power, your unique calling and the unique path in this Life of yours.

I dare you to make a difference in whatever way you can, however big or small, globally or locally.

Yes, I dare you today to commit to be different…
to make the most important thing about the most important thing the most important thing.

I dare you to NOT allow outside influences to change who you are, where you are going, who you are going there with or what is truly important to you.

But the biggest dare I have today is to now stand in front of my mirror and do everything I have just challenged you to do…
to be a powerful role model…to practice what I say…
and to accept all my imperfections as just merely normal aspects of my humanness.

I dare us all to realize that collectively we have to power to make this place, this Planet Earth of ours, into whatever form we choose.

Lastly, I dare you forward this, cut and paste this and/or print this and give it to your loved ones, friends, colleagues and bosses. I dare you to forward copies of this to every newspaper, magazine and media outlet you know of or are connected to.

But better yet, I dare you to write your own version of this and send it to everyone you know…

I dare you to be a difference-maker in your family, your place of work, your community and your world.

I dare us all to start NOW!

******************
I Dare You…

**Love Yourself Before You Love Again**
Saturday, April 10th 9-5

http://www.youandmewe.org/node/258

**What is Truly I.M.P.O.R.T.A.N.T.?
The 9 Indisputable Winning Dynamics of
Health, Wealth and Happiness™!**

Tuesday, April 20th at 8 p.m. EST:
http://kendonaldson.com/teleseminar/

Please leave a comment below…tell me your thoughts!!