I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.

Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.

Why do people cheat?

Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.

But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.

All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.

But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…

You get the picture, right?

The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.

But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?

Wow! These numbers are not so common.

And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”

Sorry to be the bearer of the news.

The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.

This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.

So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?

Answer: It’s “easier” not to.

The problem is that “easier” is often not better.

But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.

We are a “change ignorant” people.

(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)

Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.

But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.

Sound contradictory?

Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”

And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.

The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.

Just four simple points:

1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.

2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.

3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.

4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.

Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.

But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?

AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.

I do know a guy….

More from Ken Donaldson…

Start today: Marry YourSelf First!

The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships (Assertiveness to Zealousness and Everything In-Between):

•    Assertiveness: You must ask for what you want…directly.

•    Boundaries: Know what to say yes to and what to say no to.

•    Communication: The cornerstone of all healthy relationships.

•    Deal Makers/ Deal Breakers: The absolutes and unbendable.

•    Emotional Management: Manage your own inside game.

•    Focus-Fear-Faith: Whatever you focus on is where you’ll go.

•    God: Practice your spirituality; whatever it is.

•    Humor: MUST have this for flexibility in the relationship…and life!

•    Integrity: Operating from your wholeness.

•    Jealousy: Just say “NO!” to jealousy.

•    Ken on Call: Have a coach or counselor you can go to help if/when you need to.

•    Logs on the Fire: Keep the fire of passion going.

•    Most Important: Operate from your values…always!

•    NO Blame, Shame or Games: Stay away as these are the three destroyers of all relationships.

•    Openness: Stay open, be honest and lead with willingness.

•    Purpose: Live according to your purpose…put purpose in your relationship…make it big and exciting!

•    Questions: Make inquiries and be curious….stay away from accusations.

•    Rituals: Create positive rituals to create ongoing positive energy.

•    Support Networks: Always have people you can turn to for help.

•    Tongue-Foo Bull-Fighting: Know how to step out of the way, when to listen and when to walk away.

•    Understanding: Always seek to understand and build a bridge.

•    Validation: Seek to find and validate each other’s emotions.

•    Work-Life Balance: Leave work at work…make time to relax and recharge.

•    X (Ex) Relationship Baggage: Leave the past in the past.

•    Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Live in today…period!

•    Zealousness: Always find the zeal in the life and bring it into the relationship.

Click here to get the FREE couples guide: Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!

And Marry YourSelf First!

“Trust is to human relationships what faith is to gospel living. It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust is, love can flourish.”  ~Barbara Smith

Do you trust your lover? 100%? If so, what did you do to create that? If not, what have you done to create that?

The trust factor in a relationship is one of the primary cornerstones of a solid relationship foundation. Without trust, the relationship can be easily upset and usually stays more in an upset mode.

The big question is, if there is a lack of trust, why is it there? Has something legitimate happened to trigger it, or is it something from the “ghosts of relationships past” that is simply being transferred onto your current relationship?

If there is a lack of trust, then it’s time for the two of you to take a good long and very honest and open look at what’s happened. If there is something there that can’t seem to be resolved, then perhaps getting some professional help would be the next best move.

If lying, cheating or deception has occurred, you can bet that rebuilding trust will take significant time, energy and effort.

So, there are the obvious trust factors involving honesty and fidelity, and there are also many more subtle factors that occur on a daily basis.

For example, sometimes there may be a tendency to question your lover. This may be a very conscious act or, in many cases, more of a subconscious reaction. Oftentimes this comes from trying to rationalize something or to make sense of an emotional state. In these cases, it’s probably not intended as anything negative or hurtful, even though it may be perceived as such.

Therefore, you need to know this: There’s a fine line between questioning your lover’s judgment or decision-making skills for the purpose of understanding or being truly supportive and protective versus questioning because you want to be “right.”

This being right is typically when one person wants to feel in control, so they try to point out what the other has done “wrong” or could do differently.

This is usually either driven from the ego or fear, which, when you get to origin, are generally one in the same.

If you participate in trying to be right you’ll create an almost instant destruction!

Many relationships have been destroyed because one or both people are driven to be right. Make your relationship goal connection, understanding and support, instead of the ego-driven “need to be right syndrome.”

In any case, this questioning dynamic can be an irritant at the core of your relationship because it can bring with it the feeling of doubt. Obviously your relationship would be best served to eliminate this unnecessary, irritating and potentially damaging dynamic.

Therefore, it is always wise to ask and get clarity. Ask if your lover would like input, feedback, suggestions or ideas. Likewise, ask if they just want you to be an empathetic and understanding sounding board.

Whatever the case is, if you’re not supporting your lover with trust and faith, you risk sending a message of doubt, even though that may not be your intention.

Be trusting, be encouraging, be supportive, be curious and have faith that your lover is making good choices. Always use the healthy relational building blocks of faith and trust and avoid the destructive termites of fear and doubt.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”  ~ Thomas Merton

 Please leave your commnets below…

Marry YourSelf First! Today…and Every Day!