Relationships: Why is it that some people seem to have such ease with them, and other people seem to chronically struggle with them?

Perhaps it’s because some people have prepared themselves and others haven’t.

From my 25 years of experience working with people on the frontlines and in the trenches of their relationship challenges, I have discovered that some people plan and some people don’t.

Sounds too simplistic, doesn’t it?!!

It’s not, as the same rules apply for business. The successful businesses have plans and those that are not successful, don’t.

Simple, yes, but very true.

By now, you’ve heard the saying that “people don’t plan to fail; they just fail to plan.” This saying is most likely the cause of relationship success (and failure).

In fact, there are ten primary factors that I have seen people who are more successful in their relationships use over and over.

Would you like to know what these ten factors are?

Cool!

Maybe the easiest way to introduce them is through a self-evaluation.

Consider this the “10 Step Program for Relationship Success.”

The following evaluation will assist you in assessing your life which, if you didn’t know, is the foundation for all healthy relationships.

At the same time of providing you with helpful feedback to create a happy life and an exciting career, this simple test will direct you to develop the core essentials to create the healthiest relationships possible.

Feel free to share this with your friends, family and loved ones and ask for their input and feedback.

On the following ten items, rate each item using a 0 to 10 scale:

• 8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and supports my success in life
• 5-7:   OK; this area needs to be strengthened for me to be truly successful
• 0-4:   Needs Work; this area could stop me from going forward and being successful

1.  Vision: I have an exciting Vision for my life and I’m clear where I’m going in life.

2.  Purpose: I have a deep understanding of my Life Purpose and the importance of it in my life and in the lives of others I impact.

3.  Values and Priorities: I know my values and have taken the time to write down the ten most important values of my life. I also know my day-to-day priorities that keep me focused.

4.  Soul Food and Spirituality: I am aware of the activities, people, places and events which energize me and feed my personal spirituality.

5.  Boundaries: I am aware of the boundaries I need to keep with myself and I’m confident about setting boundaries with others, all of which support my Vision, Purpose and Values.

6.  Support Network: I have a powerful support network I use regularly. I ask for assistance in getting past stuck points and I use the power of the “MasterMind” to generate new ideas and solutions.

7.  Life Balance: I regularly evaluate and have a measurable system to check my life balance and I make the necessary adjustments, while also realizing that life is always moving and there is no perfect balance.

8.  Communication: I am comfortable using the most assertive communication tactics necessary to get my needs met and my goals accomplished. I especially practice my listening skills as I realize that listening is the most powerful part of effective communication.

9.  Living in the Present: I am always focused on being in the present (rather than the past or the future) and I have moved past old hurts, resentments and/or trauma.

10.  Flexible: I know that I am “perfectly imperfect” and I use humor, light-heartedness and silliness to manage any and all stress, and I avoid becoming overly serious about anything!

Total your score and let’s see how you did:

80-100= Green Light: You’re on track for highly successful relationships…keep growing forward!

50-79=Yellow Light: There are some areas of your life that need attention in order for you to truly have the relationship you desire.

0-49=RED LIGHT: It’s time to put YOU first and focus on these foundational areas that will support all your future success, especially in your relationships.

There you go: A brand new 10 Step Program for Relationship Success.

Master these ten areas and not only will you have extraordinary relationships, but you’ll also have an extraordinary life.

After all, the two do go together!

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

“Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you.  They are not perfect but are always perfect for you.” ~Author Unknown

Imagine two lovers in a canoe fully enjoying the bliss of each other’s company as they’re paddling down this beautiful river of life.

Suddenly, one of them turns to adjust to some minor rapids…the canoe suddenly becomes unstable and the pleasure and harmony the two of them had been sharing suddenly disappears into fear and shock.

“What the heck are you doing?!!…Stop rocking the canoe,” one shouts to the other.

Then the unthinkable happens…one of them is flung from the canoe into the water.

And the blame game then commences.

“Look what you made me do…you made me fall into the water…you moron!”

“I was just trying to help…can’t you see that? Besides, you’ll dry off,” is a typical rational, but yet defensive response.

“Trying to help?!! How the #!#!!! was that helping?!!”

“Quit overreacting…You’re always so dramatic!”

“You insensitive #!!##%!!…thank you so much for caring!”

“Great…and now you have to get sarcastic just like your mother!”

Freeze frame.

What’s going on here?

This is called “life showing up in the midst of the relationship”, but certainly not the optimal management of such.

Let’s face it, there will be times when life suddenly and unexpectedly turns and throws you a wicked screwball.

These are the moments when you’re all tested to see how well you can manage stress, self, life and relationships.

Not always an easy juggling act.

But here are 7 simple steps and reminders that will prove to be helpful:

1.) When unexpected change occurs (like rapids in the river of life), do your best to communicate to each other about what you’re doing to respond to the situation. “Honey, I’m going to shift myself to the other side of the canoe…just wanted to let you know.”

Simple, right?

2.) In case the former (#1) does NOT occur, do your best to respond to the unexpected reaction of your partner in as graceful a way as possible. “I’m noticing you’re moving…what are you going to do next? What would be best for me to do?”

I know…sounds too simple, doesn’t it? The simple stuff is almost always best when it comes to effective communication.

3.)  And should the unfortunate happen and you accidentally get flung out of the comfort of your canoe into the river of life, it’s best to simply request some assistance first and foremost. “I was wondering if you could help me.”

Again, simple is simple…and best!

4.) Be reminded that the primary connection point in any relationship is the ability to understand and support each other. Too often, when an emotional charge is introduced, one or both people in the relationship turn their backs on each other or, worse yet, attack each other.

That’s a great way to sink the canoe in a hurry!

5.) That being said, it’s important to remind yourself that you can override your emotional state. Even though emotions are very powerful and sometimes seem to be in control, you and your logical mind actually have the final say.

Find your sanity and say something nice…yes, simple, right?!!

6.) When you get into the canoe, you might want to remind each other of the possibility of rapids. Although it’s impossible to plan for every change that occurs in life, it’s always good to have a proactive plan when you can.

7.) Listen first; speak later…then listen more; and speak much later. Active listening is your most powerful ally. It’ll keep you from saying something that you may regret later, as well as anything that could be potentially hurtful.

Remember: Your partner is a human being with emotions…do what YOU can to take care of those emotions…when you both do that, you have an unbeatable team against the stress, change and strain of life.

Then, when you have done all that, you’ll be able to dance in your relationship canoe and maintain the balance of life.

Yep, you will.

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

Let’s get back to the basics.

You want less stress.

You want more success.

You want more happiness.

Right?

Then you MUST effectively “Manage You First.”

So, what’s the problem?

Simple: You might just not know how to do that!

Did you have a class in self-management?
Most likely not.

Did you have a class in stress management?
Doubtful.

Did you have a class in success?
Hardly.

Did you have a class (what!!) in happiness?
Nope.

That is, unless you went WAY off the beaten path, which a small percentage of people do.

5% would be a liberal estimate.

Most people, like you, didn’t get the training, mentoring, education or experience.

But you still want it.

You want less stress, more success and happiness.

There’s a simple formula, but before we go there, let’s ask, “Why?”

Why would you want to be happier?

Here are four reasons you might be interested in:
•    Happier people live longer
•    Happier people live healthier lives
•    Happier people make more money
•    Happier people do better at work

Intrigued?

Here’s another question: How do YOU define success?

This is the question that trips up many people.

And is there a correlation between your happiness and your success?

Many people define their success by their dollars, position at work, material possessions, status in the community, and/or public recognition.

What about you?

How do YOU define success (yes, you were just asked for the second time!)?

People who don’t consciously define what success is for themselves generally allow, by default, the socio-cultural norms to dictate it for them.

This is what Ralph Waldo Emerson determined to be his definition of success:

To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded!

Here are a few other “success quotes”:

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value. ~Albert Einstein

Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won’t taste good. ~Joe Paterno

Eighty percent of success is showing up. ~Woody Allen

As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it’s leaning against the right building. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. ~Winston Churchill

It’s interesting that these notable quotes from highly esteemed people have very little, if any, focus on “dollars, position at work, material possessions, status in the community, and/or public recognition.”

One other question: What is stress?

Here’s what the dictionary says:
A constraining force or influence: as

a.) a force exerted when one body or body part presses on, pulls on, pushes against, or tends to compress or twist another body or body part; especially the intensity of this mutual force commonly expressed in pounds per square inch

b.) the deformation caused in a body by such a force

c.) a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation

d.) a state resulting from a stress; especially: one of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium

Let’s go with this one: A physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation.

In other words, we don’t want too much of this.

But let’s more closely examine one part of this definition: Mental tension.

Is mental tension bad?

Maybe…maybe not.

Think about an athlete: An athlete MUST have extreme mental tension in order to be at the top of their game, whatever their game is.

If they don’t have mental tension, they are not in the game.

Same thing goes for performers, professional speakers, entrepreneurs, executives…geez, all of these people have a high level of both responsibility and accountability.

The key for them, and for you, is how to effectively manage that mental tension.

Too many people feel it and then either run from it, get so scared that they become paralyzed by it or try to self-medicate it though drugs, alcohol or other addictive behavior.

So let’s get back to the simple formula for “Less Stress, More Success and Happiness.”

1.)    Be clear about your personal definition of success. Spend some time with this. Write it down and revisit it often. Make sure you stay on that path of success.

2.)    Get clear that happiness is much more based on your “inside game” than the “outer results”. You cannot control much of what happens outside you (weather, politics, the economy, etc.) but you always have a choice of how you want to respond and how you want to be on the inside.

3.)    Reframe stress to become more user-friendly and have some simple stress management tools. Deep breathing, creative visualization, walks outside, exercise, connecting with friends, journaling, singing and dancing are but a few of the many stress reducing actions you can take almost anytime and anywhere (be a bit careful about singing and dancing at work!).

If you truly want Less Stress, More Success and Happiness, you now officially have the simple formula.

Feel free to tweak it, of course, to make it better fit you and your unique life.

Remember: Manage You First and everything else will follow!

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!

How do you manage yourself, your work-life balance, and at the same time, maintain physical and mental health, harmony in your family and an overall sense of happiness?

Life is challenging today and when additional pressures are added, without the proper resources, something can break down, resulting in decreased performance, poor health, unnecessary personal power struggles and an overall bad attitude.

The good news is that you can do something about all this.

It all starts with YOU managing YOU First!

Are YOU up for it?

Let’s look at some of the current research related to work-life balance (or the lack thereof) and career satisfaction:

1.   26% of U.S. adults report being on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown.

2.   40% of U.S. workers describe their office environment as “most like a real-life survivor program.”

3.   62% of U.S. workers routinely end the day with work-related neck pain, 44% report strained eyes, 38% complain of hand pain, and 34% report difficulty in sleeping due to work-related stress.

4.   26% of U.S. workers take no vacations at all.

5.   88% of U.S. employees say they have a hard time juggling work and life.

6.   70% of U.S. working fathers and working mothers report they don’t have enough time for their children.

7.   64% of Americans report that time pressures on working families are getting worse, not better.

8.   Americans work 137 more hours per year than Japanese workers, 260 more hours per year than British workers, and 499 more hours per year than French workers. The Japanese document approximately 10,000 cases per year of “death by overwork,” or karoosh. Considering the above stats, what must the undocumented U.S. numbers be??

9.   People in the U.S. work approximately 8 weeks longer per year than in 1969—in the space of a single generation—but for roughly the same income (after adjusting for inflation)

10. AND the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics tracks just about everything but worker satisfaction.

So…what does one make from all this?

Work-life balance? Where is it? It doesn’t seem to exist.

Let’s add in a few more “realities of life.”

• 50% of first marriages end in divorce. This goes up to 60% for second timers and 70% for third times.

Obviously changing partners is not the solution, but more importantly, take a look at what must be relational ignorance.

Relationship intelligence? Lacking, to say the least.

How, then, do we cope with all these work and relational challenges?

Not so well.

Here’s more:

• One in every five Americans suffers from a diagnosable mental condition and the majority of those people never receive treatment.

• Alcoholism and alcohol abuse are the third leading cause of the preventable deaths in the United States.

• From 1960 to 2006, the prevalence of obesity increased from 13.4% to 35.1% in U.S. adults age 20 to 74.

• 15 million people display some sign of gambling addiction.

• A VERY conservative estimate suggests that 3% – 5% of the U.S. population struggles with “sexual compulsion disorders.”

SO…what to do with all this?

Manage YOU First!

Yes, you must know how to manage you first.

What does this mean?

How about a new 13 Step Program?

1.)         Manage Your Personal Vision

2.)         Manage Your Life Purpose

3.)         Manage Your Unique Values

4.)         Manage Your Fear

5.)         Manage Your Past: Feel It, Heal It and Release It

6.)         Manage Your Emotions

7.)         Manage Your Thoughts

8.)         Manage Your Belief System

9.)         Manage Your Actions (and Reactions)

10.)      Manage Your Relationships

11.)      Manage Your Career

12.)      Manage Your Free Time

13.)      Manage Your Health

There…start with that.

Effectively manage these 13 steps and you’ll avoid being one of the above statistics.

Manage You First and you’ll win every time…you’ll win with your health, your career, your relationships, your happiness and, of course, your life.

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!

Whether you’re single, in a relationship or perhaps coming out of a relationship, it’s always good to know the primary relationship building blocks…right?!!

Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to work with and/or interview thousands of people and ask them about their relationships.

I’ve noticed some trends in the happier, healthier and longer lasting relationships: The individuals in those relationships have some very clear traits and behaviors that separated them from the rest.

Want to know what they are?

Here you go:

The 12 Steps to Proactively Creating a Divorce-Proof Marriage

1.) Know yourself, trust yourself and like yourself first!

• Define your Life Purpose

• Discern and live by your Values and Priorities

• Create your Life Vision and Life Mission Statement

• Develop a Legacy that will live forever

2.) Create a Balanced Lifestyle

• Set Boundaries and eliminate energy drains

• Create a proactive Self Maintenance program

• Evaluate and Inventory your lifestyle weekly

3.) Surround yourself with Supportive Networks and Communities

• Seek out like-minded and like-valued people

• Create Accountability agreements with others

• Avoid negative situations and environments

4.) Know your Requirements and Needs

• Create and live by your “Deal Makers” and “Deal Breakers”

• Make direct requests to get your needs met

• Always be true to yourself

5.) Take your work in life seriously, but take life lightly

• Practice being flexible, fluid, and accepting

• Avoid trying to “push the river”

• Express your passion in life with the utmost of passion

6.) Understand the healthy romantic relationship developmental process

• Create the criteria for your Life Partner

• Develop “Screening” and “Testing” strategies

• Use your support system for feedback and input

7.) Define your personal Spirituality

• Discover and walk your Spiritual Path

• Practice daily acts to activate your “Highest Self”

• Accept life on life’s terms

8.) Be perfectly imperfect

• Know your character challenges and work to strengthen those areas

• Accept all your errors, mis-takes and failures

• Practice non-judgment of yourself and all others

9.) Live from Abundance

• Practice daily acts of ‘Random Kindness”

• Develop a “Pay it Forward” system in your life

• Create an affirming, fear-less inner dialogue

10.) Be an Excellent Communicator

 • Practice Active Listening as often as possible

• Commit to creating a “Win-Win” outcome with others

• Learn to process emotions, conflict and disagreements

 11.) Get out of your comfort zone

• Learn to accept all your uncomfortable feelings and emotions

• Practice deliberate daily acts of new behavior

• Celebrate discomfort as healthy growth and development

12.) Consciously Breathe and Smile

• Learn to be Silly (use a clown nose if you need too!!)

• Develop Breathing Exercises to enhance your Mind, Body, Heart and Soul

• Smile until you are happy

And if you like this, you’re going to love the workshop this Saturday:

Love YourSelf Before You Love Again

Saturday, November 13th, 9 A.M. – 5 P.M.

Cost: $27 if prepaid, $37 at the door (and includes lunch!!)

FAMILY RESOURCES
5180 62nd Avenue North
Pinellas Park, FL 33781.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER OR CALL 866.600.6064.

Read more from Ken Donaldson…