Marry YourSelf First: 5 Ways Women Prevent Themselves From Finding (or Keeping) a Great Guy

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1.) They don’t clearly know what they’re looking for. If you want a Mercedes, you have to look for a Mercedes. It would helpful to shop at places that have Mercedes and talk with people who have Mercedes or at least know people who have Mercedes. If you go to Kmart thinking that you’ll find a Mercedes you’ll set yourself up for a Yugo. Too many women have little or no direction for what they truly want in a relationship, therefore they end up having no compass or direction for finding a quality guy.

Solution: Make a list…a written list of your Deal-Makers (the “have to have” list) and Deal-Breakers (the “will never, never, never tolerate” list). Then, simply follow the list.

2.) They don’t stick to their boundaries, limits and parameters. “Thou shalt not settle” should be the 11th commandment. Too many women settle for beneath their standards. They fall prey to the “scarcity myth”, believing that they won’t find the right guy. Can you hear that song from the 70’s: Bad Love Is Better Than No Love?

Solution: Okay, so you made your Deal-Maker and Deal-Breaker list but you’re not sticking to it because “it’s too hard” or “maybe I’m asking for too much” or “there aren’t any good guys left out there.” If so, then it’s time for some accountability. Get yourself an accountability partner who won’t let you manipulate your success formula, or hire a coach to help you.

3.) They don’t assert themselves. Women can get into fear and not assert themselves. Yes, the guy is “supposed” to lead and make the advances. At least that’s what we’ve been taught. So you find, know or see someone who might be a fit and you don’t take the initiative? Why not? Usually it’s fear: Fear of rejection, fear of being perceived as overly assertive (the “B” word) and/or fear of seeming to be “too forward.” The new F.E.A.R.: Face Everything And Rejoice!

Solution: There is only one way to build a new behavior: Action, action and more action. Every chance you have, assert yourself. Ask for what you what, need and/or desire. Start by practicing at the grocery store: Ask for a paper bag instead of plastic.

4.) They go too fast. The best relationships, and those which last the longest, are cooked in the slow-cooker, not the microwave. Too many women allow the relationship to progress too fast and can often appear to be needy or desperate. This only attracts needy, desperate guys, and will drive away the healthy guys. Go slow…be like molasses and enjoy the ride! There is a balance between conscious assertiveness and blind (hormone driven) recklessness.

Solution: Once again, write yourself out a “relationship game plan.” Be clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay; the order you want everything to occur; and then have either an accountability partner or a coach to help both your accountability and your awareness. The neuro-romantic hormones can be very powerful in distorting one’s reality. Just like “driving under the influence” is not a good idea, “deciding under the influence” can be tricky too.

5.) They self-sabotage success. These can all be viewed as forms of self-sabotage, but this is a particular niche: The fear of success. Usually because of old, old, unhealed wounds from childhood or past relationships, many women actually subconsciously fear the intimacy and vulnerability necessary for high quality relationships. When they start to feel too close, too connected or too committed, they subconsciously hit the self-destruct button. Yes, the fear of success is alive and well.

Solution: This is the most difficult piece to do by yourself, so I’m going to suggest that you consider hiring a coach or a therapist to break through old patterns. If you seem to keep coming up short, then something is going on beneath the surface and you’ll want to get to the root of it or else you’re likely to repeat the same pattern. Marry YourSelf First is the mantra I’d ask you to say, think and act on, every day in every way.

About Ken Donaldson

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One Response to “Marry YourSelf First: 5 Ways Women Prevent Themselves From Finding (or Keeping) a Great Guy”
  1. John Delevoryas says:

    My dear man,at 85 years of age  but feeling like 25,right now I have had the close friendship of a 40ish beautiful woman who wants me around for 40 more years,loves me,BUT NOT ROMANTICALLY.We have been this way for 10 years and are always excited to be together.She will give me 4 hours ONCE A WEEK and I cannot get more.Shall I walk away from this or treat is as a learning experience?I failed at TWO marriages,but got three great children out of the first.Is she AFRAID of a romantic relationship.She has had countless marriage proposals but tells me again and again that NO OTHER MEN can match me!!

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