Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson Answers Why men do not talk
“Why won’t he talk to me?”
Okay guys, you’re about to get slammed…don’t say you weren’t warned!
Guys have been getting a bad rap about their lack of openness in relationships for a long time. Maybe even since the beginning of time! And unfortunately, guys, there is quite a bit of truth and validity to all this.
And sure, you could blame your dad because he wasn’t a good role model, or you could even say you were a victim of the times. After all, big boys don’t laugh, cry, smile or get angry, right?!!
But let’s look at this without getting into the blame game or any kind of victim mentality…okay?
First look at why you might want to be more open. Here’s one huge reason: Because it makes her happy! So how about letting go of, “It doesn’t make any sense to me…” at least for now.
Think of this as a gift…More beautiful than a dozen fresh roses…Sweeter than the richest chocolate…Beyond the most sentimental card.
Not just any gift; it’s the gift of all gifts!
She wants to hear what’s going on in your world. She wants to hear your feelings and your thoughts and your fears and your dreams.
She wants to hear it all.
And then she wants you do to the same. It’s not hard. In fact, it’s actually quite simple. It’s called “Listening 101.”
It’s the “Listening Three Step” and it goes like this:
Step One: You give her your undivided attention. No TV. No cell phone. No computer. No nothing. Just you, listening fully to her and completely.
Step Two (which goes along with Step One): No judgment or criticism about what she says. Just listen. Be interested in what’s going on in her world. If you don’t understand something, then ask for more information.
Wow…simple and easy!
Oh, almost forgot…
Step Three: Don’t try to fix her…she’s not broken. Maybe a bit emotional. Maybe a bit upset. Maybe a little scared or worried. Maybe even a little angry. But not broke.
That’s it. Do this daily and you’ll be on your way to creating the most fabulous relationship you could ever imagine.
But let’s get back to where we started. Yes, let’s get back to talking about you talking…talking more.
The essence of a relationship is the connection between two people. What does essence mean? This is the soul or the spirit of the relationship. It’s the core or the foundation. It’s the heart of the relationship.
And if the heart stops beating, or if it’s not taken care of properly, then the heart begins to whither and die.
And so does the relationship.
First there’s fighting and bickering, followed by power-struggles and resentment, and then the distance and avoidance happens, and then, as the relationship begins to gasp for fresh air, it dies a slow death.
Nasty sounding isn’t it!??
And it all can be saved, guys, if you’ll just open up more.
Here’s an easy way to make this a part of your regular routine: Every day pick a time to check in with her. Make it a time when she’s available and you’re available. Just ask how her day was. Then share with her what your day was like.
Yes…it’s that simple!
But there is another side to this, since the question was originally posed from the woman’s perspective.
Women, hear this: You cannot “make him” open up.
In fact, nobody can make anybody open up.
You are the only one who can do anything differently. And although you may not want to admit that, that is the way it is.
It’s always easier to try to get the other person (“him” in this case) to do something differently. And that’s probably because our eyes look outward and they don’t look inward.
It sometimes is very uncomfortable to look inward and ask yourself the really tough questions. Even if “he” is stubborn beyond belief, it’s still up to you to ask yourself what you can do differently in your interactions with him.
People (men, in this case) sometimes feel like they’re being attacked, when they are not. In this case, a different approach would be advised.
If someone responds in a defensive manner, don’t ignore it and don’t fight it, but be curious about it. Inquire about it. See what you can find out about this. And do this all with great compassion.
Here’s the bottom-line: When you change your tactics and you approach someone in a different way, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. There’s a possibility that “he” may respond differently.
So, “Why won’t he talk to me?” Start by having a different conversation. Both of you (guys…ladies!)! Use some new tactics. What have you got to lose? And, by the way, don’t get into analyzing the “why” question. That’s a waste of time. Better to ask yourself, “How?” How can you communicate differently? How can you respond differently? How can you be proactive differently?
Click here to get the free couples guide Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!