Addiction, Depression, Divorce and The Lizard Brain
Here are some common questions people ask:
- Why do people set themselves up for bad relationships when they know the other person doesn’t share their necessary values?
- Why would someone who knows they have a drug or alcohol problem continue to drink or use drugs?
- Why do people get involved with someone if they know there’s a deal-breaker already there (i.e. drugs, alcohol, children, religion, etc.)?
- If someone knew they could do something very simple to feel better, why would they choose to continue to feel bad?
- Don’t people understand that if they settle for less in the beginning, they always get even less in the end?
There’s actually one word that ties these questions together…
Change.
People don’t like to change.
Most people don’t change.
Most people don’t think they need to change.
Some research suggests that 95% of the population tries NOT to change.
Yes…they resist change.
The irony is that you really can’t resist change as it’s happening all the time, all around you, whether you like it, or want it, or not.
But can you convince someone who doesn’t want to change that change would do them good?
Yes…no…maybe…it depends.
But the problem is the human brain.
And while it would appear that some people making really bad and self-destructive choices are more suffering from brain damage, it’s actually not that.
It’s the “reptile brain.”
The reptile brain, also referred to as the reptilian brain or lizard brain, is the oldest part of our brain and connected directly to our spinal cord.
The primary purpose of the reptile brain is survival and protection.
If you literally watch lizards you’ll see them automatically defend their turf through behaviors like head-bobbing which demonstrates assertive and aggressive posturing.
They automatically go into protective and survival mode whenever they feel threatened.
Sometimes they run and sometimes they attack.
They never sit still for very long.
They don’t like change…at all.
People who tend to engage in obsessive-compulsive behavior, rituals or superstitious thinking are all being governed by the reptile brain.
Likewise, people who continue to do the same thing over and over (behavior slaves), are also being dominated by the reptile brain.
The bottom-line is that people are programmed to resist change because this reptile part of the brain interprets change as potentially dangerous.
So is there no hope then for these people?
Actually, yes, there is…in fact, more hope today than ever.
The one dynamic every self-help book has in common is that they all support change.
Every personal growth and development program does the same.
So do all the 12-step programs and other related recovery programs.
The question, then, and really the ONLY question, is:
Are you open to change?
Many people will stay in their familiar and predictable patterns only because the patterns are familiar and predicable.
You can invite, challenge or dare someone else to change.
You can even threaten them with losing something if they don’t.
But in the end, the other person has to want it more than you.
Then you may be left asking yourself, “What do I need to do to change in myself to make this all more accepting?”
This is a hard pill to swallow especially if you really care about the other person.
This is, in fact, where most codependency is born.
It’s about caring so much that you actually begin to overstep what you’re responsible for and try to do for the other person what they in fact need to do for themselves.
Good thing you can turn to counselors who specialize in facilitating change for help.
And the Serenity Prayer is a good reminder as well:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people);
The courage to change the things I can (yourself);
And the wisdom to know the difference (boundaries and letting go).
Yes, people can manage the reptile brain.
They have to want to first.
Then, they must have the awareness and deliberately step over, around, or just ignore the unnecessary warning signals altogether.
In the end, change is always good.
It’s happening anyway so you might as well learn to go with it rather than against it.
Marry YourSelf First!
Five Words To Change Your Life
Five words that can change your life: Hope, Cope, Survive, Thrive, Soar.
These five words can, do and will continue to change and save lives.
Hope: Not the wishful thinking (“I hope I win the lotto”) type, but “the true inner feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” (Dictionary.com)
Imagine if you knew how to instantaneously tap into hope whenever you needed it, for whatever reason.
Hope keeps you going in the face of doubt, fear and the great unknown.
Hope keeps you from giving up and, instead, develops your perseverance and persistence muscles.
Hope is the inner seed that is necessary to continue to go forward into action.
Cope: Once you have hope as your foundation, you can now go into action. Cope is “to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success.” (Dictionary.com)
When you cope you get by. No matter how small it might be, progress is made.
Coping is the beginning of creating positive momentum for your life.
You begin to see how your efforts are moving you forward.
You also know how to deal with challenges, struggles and even failure, and keep moving.
Hope + Cope = Survive
Survive means “to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some occurrence.” (Dictionary.com)
As you build on hope and cope, you develop survival skills. These skills begin to occur automatically because you have practiced them and have developed some confidence around them.
Surviving means you have gotten yourself to a place of stability…ground level zero.
You have recovered successfully.
Many people survive, but never grow past this point.
Many people get comfortable with surviving.
Remember, life is a progression:
Hope > Cope > Survive > Thrive
Thrive means “to prosper; be fortunate or successful, to grow or develop vigorously; flourish.” (Dictionary.com)
When you thrive you are building on the foundation of hope, well developed coping skills and having established yourself as a survivor.
Thriving is a willingness to go beyond the norm.
Beyond average.
Beyond mediocre.
Beyond what you already know and into the great unknown.
Thriving means to take significant risks, because you are going past where you’ve ever been and perhaps, as well, beyond where anyone else has been before.
Thriving means you are willing to stand up, stand out and make a stand for what you believe.
It means letting go of ego, fear and the need to impress others.
Thriving means to be not just outside the box, but to destroy the box and create your own new paradigm.
Perhaps this is the master success formula for life:
Hope + Cope + Survive + Thrive = Soar
Soar means “to rise or aspire to a higher or more exalted level.” (Dictionary.com)
Thriving sets the tone for soaring. Whereas thriving takes tremendous effort, soaring is the outcome from all that hard work, effort and risk
Just like an eagle soars in the thermals, you too will enjoy soaring through your life as you follow this progression.
Soaring is the positive consequence for hard work, many risks and always keeping the ego (and fear) in check.
Soaring does require a huge commitment to be extremely responsible and accountable due to your high level of visibility.
Many people choose not to soar because they don’t want to be seen as the “center of attention.”
Soaring is not accomplished to be in the limelight, although it often results in such.
To soar, you must shed your ego and have no worries what others will think, say or do in response to your soaring.
To soar is to have reached the pinnacle of life.
It is also from where you must be willing to be a role model at the highest level and a mentor to others who seek to accomplish the same.
Hope.
Cope.
Survive.
Thrive.
Soar.
These five words describe what we all need to stay on the positive side of life.
Addiction, depression and divorce, for example, scarcely exist when you live in the progression of hope, cope, survive, thrive and soar.
These are the stepping stones of greatness.
Will you step up, step out and step into your greatness?
Marry YourSelf First!
Joe Monks: Blind Film Director Who Aspires to Inspire
Meet Joe Monks.
(http://www.joemonks.com/)
A blind film director.
Read it again: A blind film director.
Are you trying to figure out how that works?
Joe lost his eyesight in 2002 as the result of his long-time battle with diabetes, but he didn’t let that hold him back, as he wrote and directed The Bunker.
Joe recently received the Achievement in Cinema award at the 2011 Gasparilla International Film Festival.
(And The Bunker is being submitted to the Cannes Film Festival this year.)
Joe didn’t know he was going to have to give a speech at Gasparilla until about 10 minutes before he went on stage.
His impromptu speech was beyond “touching” as he challenged every participant present with his powerful oration.
He began by sharing with the audience the old cliché of “when one door closes…” but he put a brand new spin on it.
He suggested that we not look for another open door when the door closes, but rather, we need to remind ourselves that just because a door is closed, it doesn’t mean it’s locked.
So it’s our job to pick the lock, take off the hinges or break the damn door down (that’s what Joe said!)
Joe went on to use another cliché about dropping the infamous pebble into a pond and how the pebble creates ripples.
But he added his ever so pithy Joeism to it: Because of the award he won the pebble (his movie, The Bunker) is now a bigger pebble and his hopes are that one of the now bigger ripples will get someone’s attention and they’ll say “Joe Monks won an award?!! He sucks!!” (Again, Joe’s words here!)
And for those people, Joe simply says, “Come get some…the door is open.”
Joe Monks is quite an inspirational story, to say the least.
And he’s a guy who could very easily have fallen into depression because of what he “lost” or even gotten into some addictive behavior as a way to cope.
But instead, he has gone forward and done what no one has ever done before.
No one!
And his wife stands by his side.
Segue…
This month’s empowerment topic is: The “Other” A.D.D.: Addiction, Depression and Divorce…What to Know, What to Do and How to Make it All Stick
If you or your loved ones have been challenged by addiction, depression or divorce, keep your eyes and ears open as you’ll be receiving some useful information.
(Click here for a resource for you right now.)
And if you have challenges you’d like to get answers to, feel free to stop by www.AskKenDonaldson.com .
Bring ‘em on and let’s create some break-throughs like Joe’s.
And Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson: We Are All Addicts, Part I
“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.” ~Carl Gustav Jung
Yes…we’re all addicts, but probably not what you’re thinking.
Take a random poll and what you’ll find when people are asked to describe “an addict” is they’ll most likely describe the classic alcoholic or drug addict stereotype: Unkempt, bloodshot eyes, unshaven, maybe a bit odoriferous, poor health and perhaps even living out on the streets.
Or at least something close to that.
Here’s reality: Go look in the mirror…that’s what most addicts look like.
Just like you and me.
Because we all are addicts…or at least have a very high potential to be addicts.
But let us first define addiction. Here are some of the more classic definitions:
“The continued compulsive engagement of addictive behavior in spite of adverse health or social consequences.”
“A state of heavy dependence on the addiction; sometimes defined as physical dependence but usually also including emotional dependence, i.e., compulsive or pathological use.”
“It is often used synonymously with dependence.”
“A behavior disorder characterized by extreme addiction-seeking behavior and the interaction with the addictive behavior for that other than medical indications.”
“Compulsive use of the addictive behavior, to the point where the user has no effective choice but to continue use.”
But we can actually boil it down to two motivators: Pain and pleasure.
We typically do whatever we need to do to avoid pain, and we often do whatever we can to create pleasure.
And addictive behaviors mimic both (key word is “mimic” as it is all actually a delusional façade) as the addiction creates a seemingly pleasurable experience and, at the same time, allows one to escape from whatever pain (temporarily) they may be experiencing.
The “pain” may be physical, but is more likely to be emotional, such as loneliness, sadness, depression, fear and other emotional states that would typically be less than enjoyable.
So here’s the bottom-line definition:
All addictive behaviors create an illusionary pleasurable experience and, at the same time, a temporary distraction from the authentic painful experiences of life, and these behaviors are continued, and often increased and intensified, to the point where they cause severe and significant negative consequences in one’s life and are continued despite these negative consequences.
There…how’s that?!!
What all is addictive? Obviously there is drug addiction and alcoholism, but also food addiction (the U.S. #1 drug of choice), spending and shopping addiction (the root of most bankruptcy), gambling addiciton, all the many and various flavors of sexual addiction, codependency (the cause of most dysfunctional realtionships) and much, much more!
Stay tuned…there’s much, much more coming!
Want the great anti-addiction? Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson, Lindsay Lohan, addiction and mental health
“Life is full of risks anyway, why not take them?”~ Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan is in the news again and besides the obvious and disturbing chain of events that she has imposed upon herself, this does make for an interesting case study about mental health, addiction and overall life balance.
Lindsay has had a couple of arrests and has been in and out of treatment for her mental health and substance abuse issues. One may think that someone who has this potential as a movie star would make choices to “clean up” their life.
Not that she has been the first “star” to succumb to drugs and alcohol.
In fact, it happens every day.
We every day people just don’t always hear about it.
But what are the big lessons here? What can we all learn from this (including Lindsay, hopefully!)?
1.) Drug and alcohol misuse, abuse and addiction are still alive and well. In spite of there being less news about these trends, they are still progressing in an expanding direction. For example, the prescription pain-killer epidemic is like the heroin craze from the 60s and 70s.
2.) Denial is king when it comes to addiction. Denial has many different variations. Minimizing, justifying, rationalizing, blaming others and intellectualizing are just a few of the different variations. The bottom-line is that denial is the #1 most common and powerful characteristic of any and all addictive behavior.
3.) Sometimes it’s not just addiction. There have been numerous reports that Lindsay is also suffering from clinical depression or bi-polar disorder. We’ll probably never know as that information is kept confidential. Nor do we need to know.
But here’s something to consider: People often turn to drugs and alcohol as an attempt to self-medicate themselves from ailments like depression, anxiety, panic and unresolved trauma. This is commonly referred to as “double trouble” as the combination of any of these emotional conditions with drugs or alcohol creates a negative synergistic result that can be deadly.
4.) Don’t expect help to come knocking at your door. Usually the only time we really hear about drug and alcohol problems is when a celebrity has a problem and the media picks it up and reports on it. We are, in general, poorly equipped to know what to do with addiction. Additionally, and this is a bit of a kicker, many people are in denial about denial. People just don’t want to know and, therefore, don’t know what to do when the problem shows up in their friends, family or in themselves.
The good news is that recovery is not only possible, it’s actually quite simple.
However, don’t confuse simple with easy.
It’s not “easy” to break the addictive patterns of drugs and alcohol. The addictive energy is very powerful and will “fight” to stay alive. The people of Alcoholics Anonymous refer to this energy as “cunning, powerful and baffling.”
Here are the foundational, and simple, pieces to healthy and successful recovery from addiction, as well as the path to the best mental health:
- The Beatles said it best: I get by with a little help from my friends. Your support system is where you can go to talk about you and your challenges. They will hold you, hug you and love you, AND they will kick you in the butt when you need it. If you don’t have a solid support system, today is a good day to start.
- Balance: Know when your life is in balance and know when it’s out. Know the indicators.
- Boundaries: Create solid boundaries with others and with yourself. Boundaries are the core to a balanced life. Know what to say “Yes” to and know what to say “No” to.
- Bliss: Know your life purpose and be passionate about it. Find and live your bliss in life.
Yes, Lindsay Lohan is in a tough situation. And let’s hope she gets it together. More importantly, YOU have a chance now to review your life, make adjustments and make sure you create an “anti-addiction” life and the best mental health possible.
And, of course, you’ll create maximum life balance too.
Today is a good day to Marry YourSelf First!
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