Those Cheating Hearts and Why They – And Their Partners – Don’t Change
Filed under: adversity, Breaking up, differences, heartbreak, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marriage, marry yourself first, recovery, relationship, trust
I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.
Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.
Why do people cheat?
Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.
All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.
But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…
You get the picture, right?
The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.
But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?
Wow! These numbers are not so common.
And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”
Sorry to be the bearer of the news.
The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.
This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.
So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?
Answer: It’s “easier” not to.
The problem is that “easier” is often not better.
But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.
We are a “change ignorant” people.
(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)
Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.
But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.
Sound contradictory?
Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”
And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.
The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.
Just four simple points:
1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.
2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.
3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.
4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.
Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.
But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?
AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.
Start today: Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson And The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships
Filed under: communication, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marriage, marry yourself first, relationship, trust
The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships (Assertiveness to Zealousness and Everything In-Between):
• Assertiveness: You must ask for what you want…directly.
• Boundaries: Know what to say yes to and what to say no to.
• Communication: The cornerstone of all healthy relationships.
• Deal Makers/ Deal Breakers: The absolutes and unbendable.
• Emotional Management: Manage your own inside game.
• Focus-Fear-Faith: Whatever you focus on is where you’ll go.
• God: Practice your spirituality; whatever it is.
• Humor: MUST have this for flexibility in the relationship…and life!
• Integrity: Operating from your wholeness.
• Jealousy: Just say “NO!” to jealousy.
• Ken on Call: Have a coach or counselor you can go to help if/when you need to.
• Logs on the Fire: Keep the fire of passion going.
• Most Important: Operate from your values…always!
• NO Blame, Shame or Games: Stay away as these are the three destroyers of all relationships.
• Openness: Stay open, be honest and lead with willingness.
• Purpose: Live according to your purpose…put purpose in your relationship…make it big and exciting!
• Questions: Make inquiries and be curious….stay away from accusations.
• Rituals: Create positive rituals to create ongoing positive energy.
• Support Networks: Always have people you can turn to for help.
• Tongue-Foo Bull-Fighting: Know how to step out of the way, when to listen and when to walk away.
• Understanding: Always seek to understand and build a bridge.
• Validation: Seek to find and validate each other’s emotions.
• Work-Life Balance: Leave work at work…make time to relax and recharge.
• X (Ex) Relationship Baggage: Leave the past in the past.
• Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Live in today…period!
• Zealousness: Always find the zeal in the life and bring it into the relationship.
Click here to get the FREE couples guide: Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!
And Marry YourSelf First!
Are You Single in Tampa Bay? You Might Just be in BIG Trouble (or Not?)!
After thousands of single people in my 25 years of experience, my core message is always the same: Get clear with yourself first…know yourself, trust yourself, believe in yourself and love yourself. Do this and you’ll be much happier and healthier, whether you’re in a relationship or not.
Not exactly what everyone wants to hear as we live in what’s commonly called “the microwave relationship era.”
Everyone seems to want the immediate life partnership without doing the inside work on themselves first. They think if they get ‘The’ relationship, then everything else will fall into place.
That’s usually the beginning of the end.
Then, to make things maybe even more confusing, add into the mix some interesting reports from the highly esteemed Forbes and Kiplinger.
What do Forbes and Kiplinger know about singlehood and relationships? According to them, apparently, quite a bit.
New York, Boston, Chicago, Seattle and Washington, D.C. are the top 5 kingpins of the best cities to be single, according to Forbes.com. And if you happen to live in Tampa-St. Petersburg, it doesn’t look so good as you’re near the rear of the pack at #33 out of 40 cities evaluated.
But wait a minute; Kiplinger.com says that Albuquerque, Atlanta, Austin, The Twin Cities of St. Paul-Minneapolis and Nashville are the top five “Smart” cities for singles!
Confused? You should be!
And how did Forbes and Kiplinger come up with these results?
Forbes apparently actually did some research: “To determine the best city for singles, we ranked 40 of the largest continental U.S. metropolitan statistical areas in seven different categories: coolness, cost of living alone, culture, job growth, online dating, nightlife and number of singles.”
Impressive, but what about Kiplinger? Not sure. Seems like maybe it was much more subjective (“Hey guys, what cities do you think are the ‘smartest’ for single people?”).
And going back to Forbes, what is this “coolness” factor. Sounds cool enough but how do they measure the cool factor of a city?
Here’s what they said: “To determine coolness, market research company Harris Interactive conducted a poll in July 2009 of adults from across the U.S., each of whom was asked, ‘Among the following U.S. cities, which one do you think is the coolest?’ Data were provided by Harris Interactive.”
Hmmmm…does one person’s coolness differ from another? Most likely.
But if you’re single, before you quit your job, sell your house and move north or west, you might want to consider some other much more important factors.
Let’s start by asking a simple question: “What’s your biggest dating challenge?”
Here are a few of the more common responses:
- “I’m uncomfortable approaching someone…what if they say ‘No’?”
- “I don’t know how to tell someone that I’m not interested…I have difficulty saying ‘No’ and I’m afraid I’ll hurt their feelings.”
- “I feel like my expectations are too high and unrealistic, but then I always end up with people who are well below the standards I set.”
Using the Forbes formula of “coolness, cost of living alone, culture, job growth, online dating, nightlife and number of singles” will not make singles who are struggling with these issues any more successful in their relationships.
It is truly what is in your heart, what you know and how you feel about yourself, and a few basic skill sets that will really make your relationships work.
Here’s the “not so secret” formula: Being a ‘successful single’ is, first and foremost, an inside job. First, you must know and live according to your values. Then, you must understand and adhere to your relationship ‘deal-makers’, ‘deal-breakers’ and compatibility needs. And finally, it helps dramatically if you commit to a balanced and healthy lifestyle, which includes a powerful and active support network. Do all this and you have a far higher likelihood of being relationally successful…regardless of where you live!
Because it is the inside of a person that makes the relationship, NOT the outer influences.
The month of February has been proclaimed as International Relationship Month and Valentine’s Day has been declared as International Singles Day.
If you take your time, watch, listen and probe, you will see who people really are. You must FIRST, however, know who YOU are. Follow the parameters or boundaries you set AND keep them and you will dramatically increase the likelihood of finding a healthy relationship connection. Remember, as Shakespeare said, ‘Above all else, to Thine own self be true!’
Visit www.TheSingleValentine.com for more information about the Free “Single and Lovin’ It Valentine” Webinar on Monday, February 14th at 9 p.m. EST.
Read more about Ken Donaldson here…
Ken Donaldson: 10 Step Program for Relationship Success
Filed under: boundaries, communication, Ken Donaldson's Blog, life purpose, marry yourself first, relationship, values, vision map, work life balance
Relationships: Why is it that some people seem to have such ease with them, and other people seem to chronically struggle with them?
Perhaps it’s because some people have prepared themselves and others haven’t.
From my 25 years of experience working with people on the frontlines and in the trenches of their relationship challenges, I have discovered that some people plan and some people don’t.
Sounds too simplistic, doesn’t it?!!
It’s not, as the same rules apply for business. The successful businesses have plans and those that are not successful, don’t.
Simple, yes, but very true.
By now, you’ve heard the saying that “people don’t plan to fail; they just fail to plan.” This saying is most likely the cause of relationship success (and failure).
In fact, there are ten primary factors that I have seen people who are more successful in their relationships use over and over.
Would you like to know what these ten factors are?
Cool!
Maybe the easiest way to introduce them is through a self-evaluation.
Consider this the “10 Step Program for Relationship Success.”
The following evaluation will assist you in assessing your life which, if you didn’t know, is the foundation for all healthy relationships.
At the same time of providing you with helpful feedback to create a happy life and an exciting career, this simple test will direct you to develop the core essentials to create the healthiest relationships possible.
Feel free to share this with your friends, family and loved ones and ask for their input and feedback.
On the following ten items, rate each item using a 0 to 10 scale:
- 8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and supports my success in life
- 5-7: OK; this area needs to be strengthened for me to be truly successful
- 0-4: Needs Work; this area could stop me from going forward and being successful
1. Vision: I have an exciting Vision for my life and I’m clear where I’m going in life.
2. Purpose: I have a deep understanding of my Life Purpose and the importance of it in my life and in the lives of others I impact.
3. Values and Priorities: I know my values and have taken the time to write down the ten most important values of my life. I also know my day-to-day priorities that keep me focused.
4. Soul Food and Spirituality: I am aware of the activities, people, places and events which energize me and feed my personal spirituality.
5. Boundaries: I am aware of the boundaries I need to keep with myself and I’m confident about setting boundaries with others, all of which support my Vision, Purpose and Values.
6. Support Network: I have a powerful support network I use regularly. I ask for assistance in getting past stuck points and I use the power of the “MasterMind” to generate new ideas and solutions.
7. Life Balance: I regularly evaluate and have a measurable system to check my life balance and I make the necessary adjustments, while also realizing that life is always moving and there is no perfect balance.
8. Communication: I am comfortable using the most assertive communication tactics necessary to get my needs met and my goals accomplished. I especially practice my listening skills as I realize that listening is the most powerful part of effective communication.
9. Living in the Present: I am always focused on being in the present (rather than the past or the future) and I have moved past old hurts, resentments and/or trauma.
10. Flexible: I know that I am “perfectly imperfect” and I use humor, light-heartedness and silliness to manage any and all stress, and I avoid becoming overly serious about anything!
Total your score and let’s see how you did:
80-100= Green Light: You’re on track for highly successful relationships…keep growing forward!
50-79=Yellow Light: There are some areas of your life that need attention in order for you to truly have the relationship you desire.
0-49=RED LIGHT: It’s time to put YOU first and focus on these foundational areas that will support all your future success, especially in your relationships.
There you go: A brand new 10 Step Program for Relationship Success.
Master these ten areas and not only will you have extraordinary relationships, but you’ll also have an extraordinary life.
After all, the two do go together!
Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson Says, Manage You First: New Beginnings…Beginning With You
Filed under: Ken Donaldson's Blog, life purpose, marry yourself first, mental health, relationship, success, time management, vision map, work, work life balance
How do you manage yourself, your work-life balance, and at the same time, maintain physical and mental health, harmony in your family and an overall sense of happiness?
Life is challenging today and when additional pressures are added, without the proper resources, something can break down, resulting in decreased performance, poor health, unnecessary personal power struggles and an overall bad attitude.
The good news is that you can do something about all this.
It all starts with YOU managing YOU First!
Are YOU up for it?
Let’s look at some of the current research related to work-life balance (or the lack thereof) and career satisfaction:
1. 26% of U.S. adults report being on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown.
2. 40% of U.S. workers describe their office environment as “most like a real-life survivor program.”
3. 62% of U.S. workers routinely end the day with work-related neck pain, 44% report strained eyes, 38% complain of hand pain, and 34% report difficulty in sleeping due to work-related stress.
4. 26% of U.S. workers take no vacations at all.
5. 88% of U.S. employees say they have a hard time juggling work and life.
6. 70% of U.S. working fathers and working mothers report they don’t have enough time for their children.
7. 64% of Americans report that time pressures on working families are getting worse, not better.
8. Americans work 137 more hours per year than Japanese workers, 260 more hours per year than British workers, and 499 more hours per year than French workers. The Japanese document approximately 10,000 cases per year of “death by overwork,” or karoosh. Considering the above stats, what must the undocumented U.S. numbers be??
9. People in the U.S. work approximately 8 weeks longer per year than in 1969—in the space of a single generation—but for roughly the same income (after adjusting for inflation)
10. AND the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics tracks just about everything but worker satisfaction.
So…what does one make from all this?
Work-life balance? Where is it? It doesn’t seem to exist.
Let’s add in a few more “realities of life.”
- 50% of first marriages end in divorce. This goes up to 60% for second timers and 70% for third times.
Obviously changing partners is not the solution, but more importantly, take a look at what must be relational ignorance.
Relationship intelligence? Lacking, to say the least.
How, then, do we cope with all these work and relational challenges?
Not so well.
Here’s more:
- One in every five Americans suffers from a diagnosable mental condition and the majority of those people never receive treatment.
- Alcoholism and alcohol abuse are the third leading cause of the preventable deaths in the United States.
- From 1960 to 2006, the prevalence of obesity increased from 13.4% to 35.1% in U.S. adults age 20 to 74.
- 15 million people display some sign of gambling addiction.
- A VERY conservative estimate suggests that 3% – 5% of the U.S. population struggles with “sexual compulsion disorders.”
SO…what to do with all this?
Manage YOU First!
Yes, you must know how to manage you first.
What does this mean?
How about a new 13 Step Program?
1.) Manage Your Personal Vision
2.) Manage Your Life Purpose
3.) Manage Your Unique Values
4.) Manage Your Fear
5.) Manage Your Past: Feel It, Heal It and Release It
6.) Manage Your Emotions
7.) Manage Your Thoughts
8.) Manage Your Belief System
9.) Manage Your Actions (and Reactions)
10.) Manage Your Relationships
11.) Manage Your Career
12.) Manage Your Free Time
13.) Manage Your Health
There…start with that.
Effectively manage these 13 steps and you’ll avoid being one of the above statistics.
Manage You First and you’ll win every time…you’ll win with your health, your career, your relationships, your happiness and, of course, your life.
And Marry YourSelf First!
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Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
Men and Depression
Why The Hell Am I Feeling This Way? Men and Depression: For all Men and the Women who love them Click Here
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