You’ll have your chance this Wednesday (7/28) as I’ll be the guest on “The Ask Vera Show”

The Ask Vera Show is every 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month. It’s a 30 minute free show focused on answering the toughest questions on relationship issues.

Vera will be grilling me with her most challenging relationship questions and you’re invited to do the same!

Come join us and tell your friends.

Call in number: 1 808 206-9730

Conference ID: 208018#

I hope to “see” you and your friends then and there!

Click here for all the details

Marry YourSelf First!

Can I recover from a marital affair?

How do I deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do I do after infidelity?

Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?

Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.

But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?

Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.

However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.

Answer: ???????

Not such a good answer, right?

There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.

So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.

The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.

If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.

If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.

One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?

Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.

The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.

Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.

The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.

Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!

If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.

In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.

So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!

And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.

Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.

These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.

On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?

The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!

True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”

You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.

Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.

Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.

Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.

How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?

Can you recover from a marital affair?

How do you deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do you do after infidelity?

Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?

Yes…no…maybe.

But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.

Please leave your comments below…

Marry YourSelf First Every Day!

Want more passion, power, purpose and peace in your life?

Then make yourself a Vision Map…better, yet, join me for the next Vision Map workshop…scroll down for more information.

1.)  Your Vision Map will better define your life purpose.

2.)  Your Vision Map will keep you better aligned with your values.

3.)  Your Vision Map will reinforce your boundaries.

4.)  Your Vision Map will guide you to happier and healthier relationships.

5.)  Your Vision Map will give your career a boost…and maybe the change it’s needed.

6.)  Your Vision Map will add more balance to your life.

7.)  Your Vision Map will help you stay more focused on your goals.

8.)  Your Vision Map will help to make your priorities more clear.

9.)  Your Vision Map will get you better tuned in to your spirituality.

10.)  Your Vision Map will empower you.

11.)  Your Vision Map will help you pick better friends.

12.)  Your Vision Map will enhance your health.

13.)  Your Vision Map will get you more connected with your creativity.

14.)  Your Vision Map will help you get more fun in your life.

15.)  Your Vision Map is a great stress management tool.

16.)  Your Vision Map will remind you of your greatness.

17.)  Your Vision Map will give you a daily affirmation.

18.)  Your Vision Map will help you stay focused on your future (instead of your past).

19.)  Your Vision Map will help you embrace positive changes in your life.

20.)  Your Vision Map will give you the vision you need to get to where you truly deserve – and desire – to be in life.

 Click here for the official page of the next 201o Vision Map workshop at Yoga Village in Clearwater.

 And Marry YourSelf First!

Ken Donaldson Keynote at D.W. Waters Graduation

I had the privilege and honor on this past Thursday evening of delivering the graduation keynote for the D.W. Waters class of 2010.

Just to give you a little insight, D.W. Waters’ motto is “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish that counts!”

No big deal, right?

Wrong!

This is a WAY special class…check out their enrollment criteria:
 • At least 16 years of age
 • At least one year behind in school                                                    
 • No record of severe discipline problems
 • Wants to focus on a chosen Career Cluster at DWWCC (D. W. Waters Career Center)
 • Willing to commit to workplace training (OJT)

These are the students who make “high risk” look like every day living. For whatever reason (pregnancy, emotional and/or learning challenges, abuse, etc.), these courageous young people chose to continue on.

Most of them were so far behind that they couldn’t even imagine catching up, much less graduating.

And it would have been easier to quit!

A group of about 12 students sang the musical selection for the ceremony, I Believe I Can Fly. A perfect song for the students, the school and the event.

Here are the lyrics in case you’re not familiar with song:

“I Believe I Can Fly”
~R. KELLY

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I’m leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

Hey, cause I believe in me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly
I can fly
I can fly, hey
If I just spread my wings
I can fly
Fly-eye-eye

Anyway, I thought long and hard about what to say to them.

So I decided to dare them…yes, I simply dared them…

I dared them to find and be the greatness that they truly are.

I dared them to find their unique purpose and live it every day in every way.

I dared them to find their own personal soul food and to continually, without fail, feed their spirit.

I dare them to figure out, set and maintain the boundaries that will empower them, to say a resounding “Yes” to all they do want, need and desire, and say a resonant “No” to all they will not tolerate.

I dared them to realize that the world needs them today more than ever, and the answers to the world’s problems will not come from Washington or Hollywood, but rather, from each and every one of them.

I dared them to surround themselves with the people who love them, accept them and encourage them, and to step away from those who don’t.

I dared them to tell themselves, time and time again, that they are deserving, gifted and of great value, and to say that to themselves as their powerful and affirming mantra.

I dared them to realize that life is full of unexpected challenges (I mentioned this as a very young child in the audience began to express herself in a very assertive way!) and one of the greatest gifts we can all give to ourselves is the gift of humor, which allows us to be flexible and fluid as we navigate down the river of life.

I dared them to remind that person in the mirror of their greatness, their importance, their value and their purpose, time and time and time again.

Yes, I simply dared them to be great.

Them, their parents, their friends, the teachers, and everyone else who was there on Thursday…I dared them all.

But the greatest dare I addressed was the dare to myself…to live what I said; to practice what I preached; to be the model of the dare.

What about you…have you dared yourself lately?

I dare you…

PS I hope to have a video of the whole presentation soon…I think it’ll worth watching…stay tuned!

Ken at D.W. Waters with another Marry YourSelf First fan!

 Marry YourSelf First!

Feel free to leave a comment or two…

Are You Prioritizing Your Love Life?

We’ll probably never know what has driven Al and Tipper Gore to separate, and out of respect and dignity, we never should. But it does invite a curiosity, and an interesting case study, regarding work life balance and its impact on your core relationships (marriage, life partnerships, etc.).

One of THE most significant parts of work life balance would be your primary, or core, relationships. These relationships are your primary support in life; THE person you can go to to discuss anything.

THE person you can go to in your most desperate times of need.

THE person you can go to to celebrate your wildest dreams.

THE person you can go to to share your most intense fears.

This is true intimacy and is often referred to as the “in-to-me-see” of the relationship!

But if you don’t take care of that relationship, cherish it, respect it, and put it at the top of your personal totem pole of life, then it becomes vulnerable to stagnation, mediocrity, strife and unnecessary breakdown.

It really comes down to priorities: We may never know Al and Tipper Gore’s priorities, but here are 7 core questions for you to ask yourself regarding your work life balance as it applies to your core relationship:

1.) Do you check in with each other regularly and share what’s REALLY going on? Not just the day-to-day superficial stuff, but the core needs, wants, desires and requests.

2.) Do you put time and energy into the relationship on a REGULAR basis? This means truly making the relationship a priority. No auto-pilot here. Conscious and proactive choices to put the relationship first whenever possible!

3.) Are you still dating regardless of how many years you’ve been together? Once a week, or more, is best.

4.) Are you able to discuss, using your best communciation skills, the toughest issues and dynamics with a level of respect, the goal of understanding and the ability to accept the differences of each other?

5.) Do you “speak your partner’s language” in that you know what it is that truly lights them up, gets into their heart and soul and enables them to feel truly extraordinary? Do you do that every day in every way?

6.) If you have children, do you and your partner work as a unified team with your children and also balance between being parents and being partners, remembering that your relationship if the foundation for the whole family unit?

7.) Whatever your passion is in your world of work, do you have a greater passion for your relationship? And if not, will you commit to find that passion because without that it’s like forgetting to put the intimacy logs on the bonfire of love and you’ll then find yourself with only smoldering ashes, or even less?

Again, we will never know what Al and Tipper Gore have gone through, but this is an ideal time for you to check in with your core relationship and honestly assess what your work life balance is and how it’s impacting your relationship.

If it’s not where you want it to be, it may be time for you to seek out a relationship counselor who can help you get back on track to have a great life, and fulfilling career and a most passionate relationship with your life partner!

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

And Marry YourSelf First Everyday!

Feel Free To Leave a Comment or Two…

I call her “Kunta” and she’s a cat.

Cats are interesting creatures and Kunta has taught me a number of lessons I wanted to pass on to you.

Nine of them, in fact…fitting since cats allegedly have 9 lives.

I think Kunta had closer to 49 lives.

Lesson #1: Ask for what you want.

Kunta showed up outside my front window about 15 years ago. She looked in and meowed several times. I believe that was her way of telling me she wanted something: Food.

I gave her some food and, as they say, the rest was history.

Lesson #2: Don’t do what you don’t want to do.

After she showed up, announced her presence and made her request, I figured this cute little cat would let me pet her.

“Not!”

No, she wouldn’t let me get close enough to touch her for almost a month. And then she wouldn’t come inside the house for at least another month.

Good boundaries!

Lesson #3: Have pride.

In her earlier years, Kunta was quite the huntress. I won’t list all the different “critters” that were sacrificed, but I will tell you that Kunta often left their remains outside the front door.

Yes, it’s good to show off your talents, even though the rest of the world may not fully understand nor accept them.

Lesson #4: Relax.

Kunta spent most of the hours of her life doing what I think she liked best: Sleeping.

She’d usually find a nice shady spot in the bushes or under a neighbor’s car…and she’d spend hours curled up or sprawled out, enjoying the fine art of doing absolutely nothing.

Sometimes it’s good to do nothing.

Lesson #5: Go at your own pace.

Up until about 5 years ago, Kunta was never a “lap cat.” She then decided that she wanted to spend some time on my lap. However the amount of time and frequency was based on only one thing: Her.

She definitely marched to the beat of her own drum and made her own decisions.

Yes, it’s best to go at your own pace, not the pace of others.

Lesson #6: Persistence.

Kunta never weighed more than 8 pounds…”Skinny Kitty” is what I called her sometimes.

In spite of her petite size, she knew when she wanted to eat and let me know in no uncertain terms.

She had a meow that was closer to a bark and she would sit right outside my window “talking” until I let her in to get food. If I ignored her too long, she would start pulling on the screen.

She never went away without getting what she wanted.

A good reminder for all of us: Never quit.

Lesson #7: Be picky.

In the summertime, which is about 80% of the time here in Florida, Kunta always wanted to stay outside. But as soon as it got a bit chilly, she was outside the window, making her requests be known, regardless of what time it was.

Of course, she then also wanted to snuggle in my bed to stay warm…followed by early morning wake-ups to go back out again.

It’s good to pick and choose exactly what you want, when you want it.

Lesson #8: Be tough.

At 8 pounds and very skinny, you might think she was easy prey for the other cats in the ‘hood…nope, not even close!

She would climb a tree next to the house and sit on the roof as a way to have the advantage should some other cat want to mess with her.

Pretty smart, I’d say.

Of course, she never backed down either. I saw her run cats twice the size of her out of the yard. I believe she was fearless.

Courage will take you a long way in life.

Lesson #9: Play.

Kunta never played much. Catnip never did anything for her. Toys seemed to bore her. And the old piece of string got some interest, but I think she knew they were all fake.  She like to play with the real thing: Chasing squirrels and birds and snakes.

Every once in a while she’d go running through the house from one side to the other,

…but only when she was in the mood.

Playing occasionally and in your own unique way is good for the soul.

I could go on and on about other lessons and stories, but I think you get the picture: Even cats can be powerful teachers if we are simply open to the lessons.

Kunta decided a couple weeks ago that it was time to become a butterfly, so she made her great transition.

And now I’m learning a whole new set of lessons that I’ll be passing on to you…I hope you enjoy them!

Read more about Ken Donaldson here!

That wonderful and amazing piece of technology that takes you from one place to another…
usually without any difficulty.

And what is one big element the car relies on to get you there?

The tires…those round rubber donuts which “usually”
create no problems.

Let’s talk about your tires…stick with me here… it’ll all start to make sense…
I promise!

Think of your life as being a car and your tires as one of the most important dynamics to get you
where you want to be in your life.

Each of the tires have an important role, so let’s take a closer look at the tires…

Tire #1: The Know YourSelf Tire

This tire consists of your purpose, your values and your vision.

Take the time now to answer the following questions:

Why am I here (purpose)?
Where am I going (vision)?
What’s most important (values)?

If this tire is not properly aligned, balanced or inflated, your car will not work properly and
you’re likely to have a breakdown on the Highway of Life.

And THAT would be a HUGE bummer!

Tire #2: The Love YourSelf Tire

This tire consists of the ways you affirm yourself, talk to yourself, talk about yourself and
the balance (or lack thereof ) you have in your life.

Answer these questions now:
What good things do I say to myself every day?
How do I celebrate me every day?
How do I love myself every day?
How do I keep myself healthy every day?

Like tire #1, if this tire is not properly aligned, balanced or inflated, your car will
not work properly and you’re likely  – again – to have a breakdown on the Highway of Life.

More bummers!

Tire #3: The Believe in YourSelf Tire

This tire consists of your self-confidence, your communication capabilities, and your ability
to “Play Big” in life.

Answer these additional questions now:
How do I strengthen my confidence muscle?
How do I expand my communication skills?
How can I play bigger and bigger every day in Life?

Yes, like tires #1 and #2, if this tire is not properly aligned, balanced or inflated, your car
will not work properly and you’re most likely to have a breakdown on the Highway of Life.

Breakdowns like these are unnecessary and HUGE bummers!

Tire #4: The Guide YourSelf Tire

This tire consists of your boundaries, priority management and stress management skills.

Answer these last questions now:
How do I evaluate my boundaries?
How do I prioritize my life?
How do I manage stress in my life?

I’m sure you’re catching on…yes, like tires #1, #2 and #3, if this tire is not properly
aligned, balanced or inflated, you’re likely to have a breakdown on the Highway of Life.

And another bummer!

NOW, the only other question is:
What are you going to do about all this?

One answer…and you know what it is:

Marry YourSelf First!
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

If for some reason you haven’t gotten your copy yet, today is the day.
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

If you have your copy, but aren’t using it AND all the wonderful supports and bonuses…
what are you waiting for? A Breakdown???

Plus, today is the last day that CASA – Community Action Stops Abuse – and the
American Diabetes Association will be receiving free books and
a generous percentage of all sales (25%!!).

Invest in some books (the package deals are great for the holidays AND you’ll
get FREE books!) now and keep your tires in alignment, balanced and inflated and
you’ll get further in life than you ever imagined!
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

AND – of course – you’ll automatically receive a complimentary
one year membership to the Personal Empowerment Coaching Program.

One year FREE!
Go now: http://kendonaldson.com/store/

Go get your tire situation straightened out now.

At least answer those 13 questions for yourself… they may be
the most important questions you ever ask yourself!

And Marry YourSelf First every day…in every way!

And have an awesome weekend!

Peace and Prosperity…

Ken

A stands for Attraction; more specifically the Law of Attraction.

The Law of Attraction states that like energies attract each other.
Positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. Therefore,
if you are putting out negative energy you will therefore attract negative
energy into your life. Likewise, if you are putting out positive energy
you will attract positive energy into your life.

So the question is: What vibration are you sending out? If it is negative,
how about experimenting with some new ways of managing your life
to create more positive energy?

See Chapter 2 in Marry YourSelf First!: Doing the Abun-Dance:
The Law of Attraction and the Art of Prosperous Living
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

B stands for Boundaries; and that includes both the boundaries
you have with others and the boundaries you have with yourself.

Saying “No” to something that is unacceptable is an example of a boundary,
as is assertively and proactively asking for what you do want.

Your boundaries with yourself will determine how much balance you have
in your life. Knowing where to end one part of your life (i.e.: Work) and
begin another (i.e.: Family) will help you to stay in touch with your whole
being and therefore create more balance, which, in turn, always results in a
happier and healthier lifestyle.

Do you know your boundaries and are you living according to them?

See Chapters 4 and 5 in Marry YourSelf First!:
4 – The Apples in the Apple Pie:
Knowing What You’ve Got to Have, Want to Have, and Will Not Settle For
And
5- Juggling Bowling Balls While Walking Across Hot Coals:
The Balance Challenge of Life
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

C stands for Communication; specifically your ability to attain and
maintain productive communication with others.

Do you know how to avoid getting “hooked” by another’s
manipulative maneuvering? Do you speak up for yourself,
express your feelings and make your requests directly?
These are all examples of healthy communication skills.

And perhaps the biggest communication skill is that of listening. Do
you know how to combine martial artistry with your listening ability to
create a space of “Zen Listening” in which you can be unaffected by
what another may say but still stay in the conversation?

See Chapter 7 in Marry YourSelf First!: Communication Poker:
Knowing When to Hold `em, Show `em and Fold `em
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

D stands for Deal-makers and Deal-breakers; specifically
your ability to know them and adhere to them.

If you have not written your lists of deal-makers and deal-breakers,
then you are potentially setting yourself up to settle for something
or someone beneath your standards. When you settle for less you
impact your self-esteem and distort your sense of reality.

The bottom-line is that living life without knowing or adhering to
your deal-makers and deal-breakers sets you up for failure, depression,
anxiety and addictive behavior. Now, you don’t want any of that, right??!!

Write your Deal-makers and Deal-breakers lists TODAY!!

See Chapters 4, 5, 6 and 8 in Marry YourSelf First!:
6- Getting the Love: Surrounding Yourself with
Supportive Networks and Communities
And
8- Building Your House on Solid Ground:
Understanding the Relationship Hierarchy
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

E stands for Emotional Management; specifically the
management of the “slipperier” emotions.

This would include anger, fear and sadness.
Most of us have not had any training on how to deal
with these so we have made up our own “rules” about these emotions.
Many of these “rules” are very unrealistic and unhealthy.

The bottom-line is that you are an emotional being and you have every
right to feel and express your feelings as long as you do no harm to
others as you are expressing yourself.

Fear is perhaps THE most challenging emotion, but remember:
You can have FEAR (Fictitious Events Appearing Real) or
FEAR (Face Everything And Rejoice).

Which do you choose??

See Chapters 3 and 9 in Marry YourSelf First!:
3- In Search of the Missing Donut Hole: Your Soul Print
And
9- If It Feels Weird, Do It:
Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone and Into Your Growth Zone
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

There you go: A whole new way of living your
ABC’s that you’ll never be too old for!!

And a few more valid reasons to Marry YourSelf First!
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

Read more from Ken Donaldson here…