Coach Ken Donaldson: Avoid Frustration, Irritation and Fatigue…Avoid Chasing Rabbits

“Underneath every bush you’ll find a mud rabbit ready to bolt.” ~ Old Proverb

Rabbits are fast…really fast.

And should you decide you want to chase a rabbit you can be assured that in the end, you’ll be extremely frustrated, very irritated and exceptionally tired.

So who would chase a rabbit?

You might!

Rabbits represent the type of conversations that have no end…they just go on and on and on…like that bunny on the TV commercial…remember him?

Yes, these conversations are typically steeped with long-winded stories full of classic self-pity: The “poor-me-ain’t-it-awful-why-does-this-always-happen-to-me” syndrome. 

And if you engage in these conversations, you’re very likely to get your life force drained from you.

In other words, you’ll find yourself feeling the previously mentioned triad of frustration, irritation and fatigue.

(Note: What you need is some highly effective communication strategies….read on!)

But maybe you felt compassionate for them.

Maybe you thought you could help them.

Maybe you thought they would really accept your solutions (and chances are you have some very good ones!!)

NOT!

Not rabbits.

Rabbits play a game: They like to feel sorry for themselves and they wear it like a banner…poor me…ain’t it awful…why does this always happen to me?

What’s the payoff you ask?

Attention….because they get to stay in “the problem” and refuse any solutions, they will always have a hook to pull people in.

Sad, that this is their tactic to get attention.

In the end, which usually comes quite quickly, they burn people out and run people off.

All of which adds to their story.

But what can you do if you are confronted by a rabbit?

First, there are three simple principles to remember:

1.) Don’t chase a rabbit. Resist at all costs. Yes, you’re likely to be tempted out of guilt, compassion or obligation, but don’t do it.

2.) If you find yourself chasing a rabbit, remind yourself of the first principle.

3.) If you continually find yourself chasing rabbits, be aware that you are beginning to create the script to become a rabbit yourself.

So basically this means that you avoid these people and these conversations if possible.

However, there may be times when these sly rabbits sneak up on you and snag you into their trap.

In those cases, there are some simple and highly effective tactics you can implement to avoid chasing rabbits very far:

1.)   The “What I hear you saying is…” tactic. This keeps you disengaged and distant. It keeps you listening instead of trying to come up with solutions (Remember, rabbits don’t want solutions).

2.) The “Tell me more…” tactic. You’re likely to resist this tactic because you may NOT want them to tell you more. However, this will keep you from getting pulled further into the story.

3.) The “That makes sense to me because…” tactic. You may also find yourself resisting this tactic because it may feel like you’re agreeing. You’re not. You’re simply letting the other person know that what they’re saying makes sense. This is still a neutral response, which is exactly where you want to stay.

4.) The “If I was in your shoes, I’d probably feel the same way…” tactic. This is called empathy. This reinforces that you understand. However, is still keeps you detached from any serious emotional entwinement with the rabbit.

5.) The “I need to go use the restroom…” tactic. Yes, there are times when you’ll need to physically remove yourself from getting sucked down the rabbit hole. Using the restroom, having to make a phone call or having another appointment, are all useful interventions.

Also, beware of the rabbit’s eyes: They seem to never blink and if you look too long or too deep, you may find yourself falling into the hypnotic trance and the rabbit will then draw you deep, deep into the rabbit hole and you could very likely lose all sense of reality.

Yes, these are some of the finer points of using effective boundaries in challenging and sometimes difficult situations.

If you have difficulty implementing these tactics, then you might just want to talk with a therapist or a coach to find out what might be blocking you.

Chances are, it’s something out of your consciousness and probably something from your subconscious that’s getting activated.

I know a guy who can help you…and I know a great book that’s helpful as well!

Coach Ken Donaldson: Healthy, Happy and Lasting Relationship Secrets Uncovered

Couples, relationships, balance, boundariesWhether you’re single, in a relationship or perhaps coming out of a relationship, it’s always good to know the primary relationship building blocks…right?!!

Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to work with and/or interview thousands of people and ask them about their relationships.

I’ve noticed some trends in the happier, healthier and longer lasting relationships: The individuals in those relationships have some very clear traits and behaviors that separated them from the rest.

 

Want to know what they are?

Here you go:

 

The 12 Steps to Proactively Creating a Divorce-Proof Marriage

1.) Know yourself, trust yourself and like yourself first!

• Define your Life Purpose

• Discern and live by your Values and Priorities

• Create your Life Vision and Life Mission Statement

• Develop a Legacy that will live forever

2.) Create a Balanced Lifestyle

• Set Boundaries and eliminate energy drains

• Create a proactive Self Maintenance program

• Evaluate and Inventory your lifestyle weekly

3.) Surround yourself with Supportive Networks and Communities

• Seek out like-minded and like-valued people

• Create Accountability agreements with others

• Avoid negative situations and environments

4.) Know your Requirements and Needs

• Create and live by your “Deal Makers” and “Deal Breakers”

• Make direct requests to get your needs met

• Always be true to yourself

5.) Take your work in life seriously, but take life lightly

• Practice being flexible, fluid, and accepting

• Avoid trying to “push the river”

• Express your passion in life with the utmost of passion

6.) Understand the healthy romantic relationship developmental process

• Create the criteria for your Life Partner

• Develop “Screening” and “Testing” strategies

• Use your support system for feedback and input

7.) Define your personal Spirituality

• Discover and walk your Spiritual Path

• Practice daily acts to activate your “Highest Self”

• Accept life on life’s terms

8.) Be perfectly imperfect

• Know your character challenges and work to strengthen those areas

• Accept all your errors, mis-takes and failures

• Practice non-judgment of yourself and all others

9.) Live from Abundance

• Practice daily acts of ‘Random Kindness”

• Develop a “Pay it Forward” system in your life

• Create an affirming, fear-less inner dialogue

10.) Be an Excellent Communicator

 • Practice Active Listening as often as possible

• Commit to creating a “Win-Win” outcome with others

• Learn to process emotions, conflict and disagreements

 11.) Get out of your comfort zone

• Learn to accept all your uncomfortable feelings and emotions

• Practice deliberate daily acts of new behavior

• Celebrate discomfort as healthy growth and development

12.) Consciously Breathe and Smile

• Learn to be Silly (use a clown nose if you need too!!)

• Develop Breathing Exercises to enhance your Mind, Body, Heart and Soul

• Smile until you are happy

And if you like this, you’re going to love the workshop this Saturday:

Love YourSelf Before You Love Again

Saturday, November 13th, 9 A.M. – 5 P.M.

Cost: $27 if prepaid, $37 at the door (and includes lunch!!)

FAMILY RESOURCES
5180 62nd Avenue North
Pinellas Park, FL 33781.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER OR CALL 866.600.6064.

Read more from Ken Donaldson…

Ken Donaldson: My Best Life and Relationship Advice…


Relationship Coach Ken Donaldson: Relationship Issues/Advice @ Yahoo! Video

Published 3 hours ago

Relationship Coach Ken Donaldson (that’s me!!) with some relationship advice on relationship issues, like good communication tips, boundaries, self esteem, Marry YourSelf First, stress management and an assortment of other helpful tips and guidance to improve your life and your relationships!

Read More from Ken  Donaldson

Marry YourSelf First!

 

Ken Donaldson and The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships

Here’s a great cheat sheet for your relational intelligence.

• Assertiveness: Say what you mean, mean what you say, and never say it mean.

• Boundaries: With yourself first; then others… ”No” is a complete sentence.

• Communication: Still one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships (See Assertiveness).

• Deal Makers/Deal Breakers: Say “Yes” to your Yes’ and “No” to your No’s.

• Emotional Management: Feel them; Heal them; Deal with them…then move on.

• Focus-Fear-Faith: Do you focus on fear or faith?…your choice.

• God: Is there a spiritual conversation here?

• Humor: Wear a clown nose before every fight …it’ll eliminate most of them.

• Integrity: Be whole, open, honest and forthright.

• Jealousy: Just in case it shows up, know how to deal with it (and any other yucky dynamics too).

• Ken on Call: Always have a coach/counselor you can rely on.

• Logs on the Fire: Keep the passion growing and growing…don’t let the fire go out…ever!

• Most Important: The most important thing is the most important thing…priorities 101.

• NO Blame, Shame or Games!: See integrity.

• Openness: The gateway to the Heart has to be open to let the Love in.

• Purpose: What is the purpose of this relationship? Make it bigger than the two of you.

• Questions: Ask in the direction of the solution, not in the direction of the problem.

• Rituals: Daily, positive, growth-enhancing and fun …got it?!!

• Support Networks: Where/who do you go to for yours? We all need support.

• Tongue-Foo Fighting: Know how to be the bull-fighter of tongue-foo and arguments go away real fast and in a real loving way.

• Understanding: “Do you understand me?” If not, then listen more and deeper.

• Validation: We all want this and it’s often withheld or overlooked…give it away generously!

• Work-Life Balance: See Boundaries and Deal-Makers/Deal Breakers.

• X(Ex)Relationship Baggage: Live in the present not the past…see Ken on Call if you can’t do this.

• Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Where do you live… live your best today in today.

• Zealousness: Not too much, not too little, just right in the middle.

 Read more from Ken Donaldson.

And Marry YourSelf First!

Ken Donaldson and The Quarter Hoarder

Ken Donaldson and The Quarter HoarderI think we have to be not so afraid of scarcity. We have to be willing to give away all things.” ~Sharon Stone

Here’s a story about the dangers of hoarding, but probably not what you’re thinking.

Let me explain…

First let’s get a definition clarified.

Hoard: To collect and store, often secretly and usually unnecessarily, large amounts of things, such as food or money, for future use.

So there I was in downtown St. Petersburg on a beautiful Sunday morning having a nice time with a friend of mine.

However, there are these things called parking meters that require a certain amount of feeding every so often and the one where I parked was getting hungry and was going to run out of time soon.

(Silly me; I didn’t pre-plan to bring quarters…I wonder how many other people have had the same experience on a relaxing Sunday – “I don’t have to think about anything”- morning??)

So I simply asked the waitress if she might have some change I could exchange with her for some dollar bills.

“No…I don’t.”

Okay, so then I got very tactical and asked, “What about the cash register, could you maybe get some change from it?”

“No…we don’t have any extra change.”

Okay, so you’re probably getting a sense of what I might be thinking and feeling at this point, right?!!

How could a business open on a Sunday morning NOT have change?

There could only be one answer: They were hoarding!

(Well, at least that’s the one answer I came up with.)

So during the course of our stay there, our waitress came to our table several times asking if there was anything else we needed.

Half kiddingly (and half very seriously), I responded the same every time, “Do you have any change yet?”

I will say that she was consistent (I think maybe that means she had good boundaries, right?) with her responses, “No,” every time.

So finally I decided that I would need to go to some other places to find some change, but I figured I might have a chance to “pull a quick one” when I paid for the bill.

I walked up to the bar and placed a $20 bill on top of the bill and asked (again) really nicely, “Might you have some extra change?”

Our waitress asked the apparent manager (and now the seeming quarter hoarder) if she could use some of their quarters for my change.

The manager, somewhat begrudgingly, said yes.

So I guess you could say my persistence paid off.

But I believe there are a couple bigger lessons here.

Lesson #1 is about planning.

Any business in downtown St. Petersburg open on Sunday morning should know that there are parking meters and there are bound to be people like myself that are in a very relaxed Sunday mode and may not even think to bring change.

I believe that would be categorized as “good proactive customer service.”

Lesson #2 is something that can be paralyzing if not consciously seen and addressed. 

It’s what I call “The Scarcity Myth.”

It’s the fear of not having enough.

In this rather benign situation, it was the fear of not having enough change to make it through the day.

(Of course, this is only an assumption on my behalf.)

But let’s look at this a bit deeper:

  • Many people fear that there’s not enough love, so they often settle for a relationship beneath their standards and end up creating unnecessary pain and heartache, which could have been easily avoided if they had not let the scarcity fear rule.
  • Many people fear that there is not enough time, so they spend their time in a chaotic fervor trying to “do” as much as they can oftentimes much to expense of their health and relationships, both of which could easily be enhanced if they simply prioritized their life and lived according to their priorities (and values).
  • Many people fear that there are not enough opportunities in life so they settle for a job or a career path that slowly drains their passion, energy and optimism for life, and slowly and unconsciously turns them into a rigid, pessimistic and sarcastic cynic.

Yep, the scarcity fear does all that and probably much, much more.

So what’s the moral of the story?

Don’t be a quarter hoarder…be a quarter supporter!

Meaning that it’s always good to plan ahead (lesson #1) and when the opportunity comes, give as freely as you can (lesson #2).

When you hold on to something out of fear, you block energy from flowing to you and you can easily create a self-fulfilling prophecy in which what you fear can become that much truer.

However, when you put trust in the Universe (by the way, the Universe is endless as far as we can tell at this point…slightly “abundant” I would have to conclude) you allow the Universal energy to flow to you.

I know…it takes faith and trust, both of which may be big steps at times.

But what’s the option? Being a quarter hoarder?

Naw!!…be a quarter supporter…start today!

There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there’s only scarcity of resolve to make it happen.” ~Wayne Dyer

P.S. After proof-reading this, my assistant just reminded me of lesson #3…Always carry extra quarters in your car.

Yeah, I guess I could have planned ahead too, right?!!

 

Read more from Ken Donaldson

 

Today is a great day to Marry YourSelf First!