Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp
Filed under: adversity, anger, emotions, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, Rebuild Trust, recovery, relationship, sadness
Staying faithful a task for some: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com
Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp
My friends at Fox and I chatted a bit about Maria and Arnold a while back…but we really got into some deeper issues and dynamics…unfortunately we ran out of time.
Affairs, infidelity and betrayal are always big tough issues to work through.
Getting beyond betrayal, healing infidelity and moving past the hurt, pain and trauma of an affair is very challenging and can be overwhelming.
In other words, making a change of that magnitude is very difficult AND very uncommon.
The last question raised was on the show was: “Getting back to the whole trust thing; would somebody in that situation, let’s say Maria, ever trust anybody to that same level?”
My response was that Maria could actually trust more.
What?!! How could that possibly be true?
For a moment, forget about this being specifically about Maria.
After all, she does deserve some privacy, right?
AND this is a much bigger issue with HUGE underlying dynamics.
As odd as it sounds, you would think somebody that’s been wounded at this level would never allow herself to be hurt again.
Which would be a great choice…but HOW she does it is really the key.
The big question is more about working through the “woundedness.”
Quick fix?
No…not at all. In fact, it will most likely take a lot of time, effort and energy. Most likely some intense therapy, a tremendous amount of honest self-reflection and some major reworking of the inner values and outer boundaries.
Change at this level requires a mammoth commitment.
And most people, unfortunately, will NOT put the necessary time and energy into the healing and growth process. Actually most people probably don’t even know that they can heal and grow past the pain.
Instead, they walk around hurt, wounded and unhealed and, as a result, make even poorer decisions in their future.
Do you think you can really make a good decision if your mind is clouded and influenced by the hurt, anger and resentment of past wounds?
The real question for anyone in this situation is: Do you WANT to heal, grow and expand?
Most everyone responds with a resounding “Yes!”
But why, then, do most people not follow through?
The same reason people overeat when they know it’s unhealthy, overspend when they know they don’t have the money and get into relationships they know are not good for them.
Why do people do all this!!?
Brain confusion…yes, their brain gets confused with too many different messages and usually does not pick the most logical (and usually healthiest) path.
Why does the brain get confused? Because you actually have three brains all trying to deliver varying messages to you.
Which message do most people listen to?
Usually the one with the biggest emotional charge.
Are emotions rational and logical (or healthy)?
NO!…Not usually.
The three brains:
- The Inner Brain: The most primitive and activates your fight or flight mechanism. Also, the basic survival drives for food, water and procreation. Basic emotions of fight or flight, freeze or hide and live or die.
- The Middle Brain: More advanced but still without reason… the basic “love and loyalty” drives originate here.
- The Outer Brain: The most advanced (only humans and apes have this) and where logic, conscious thinking and reasoning come from. Also, this where our “ethical thinking” comes from, meaning unique values, rules and guidelines for living.
SO…for example: The Inner Brain is obsessed with pure lust. The Middle Brain is driven by love and devotion. The Outer Brain is infatuated with an amazing romantic experience.
A pretty woman or handsome guy comes along and the Inner Brain screams out for sex, the Middle Brain falls in love and the Outer Brain tries to figure out how to make it all happen ethically.
See the conflicts? And ALL the different and even contradictory messages?
And too often the Inner Brain wins….the primal survival instincts.
Another example: You are offered the Super Duper Size order of French fries. Your Outer Brain says, “No, those are bad for you.” Your Middle Brain doesn’t really care one way or the other although it does recall a time when you shared French fries with a past romantic interest. And your Inner Brain screams, “Get all you can as this could be the last meal you ever have and more fat with help protect you!”
The Inner Brain often wins again.
See and hear the problem?
Add to that the many complexities of memory, conditioning and all the other known and unknown variables of the brain and you can quickly surmise why people have some of the issues that they do.
AND why people don’t change for their own good.
When you bring this all back to Maria (and all those others who have had similar experiences) you can see that she could work through all this and actually be even more conscious, more aware and more loving….AND even more trusting.
Will she? Who knows? That’s totally up to her.
And bringing it back to you: Is there anything you’re still reacting to from your past that is getting in the way of your future?
Perhaps now is the time to clear it.
Is it easy? No. It probably will require a great deal of effort, energy and commitment…and a lot of going out of your comfort zone…a whole lot!
Are you worth it?
Yes….
Time to ChangeUp…it works when you work it.
Today: Marry YourSelf First!
Change Change…Really
Have you noticed there’s a lot of change going on currently?
Have you also noticed that many people (maybe even most) don’t really like change?
And perhaps you’ve also noticed that when people resist change they often cause themselves unnecessary additional stress…right?
So what’s the deal about change?
1.) Why is there so much?
2.) And why do people resist it so much?
Answer #1: Life is change…period.
It doesn’t stand still and it’s always moving. That is until something dies, then it stops changing…and then it’s too late to start changing.
Answer #2: People like what they like, like what they know and don’t like what they don’t know.
Most people, at least (very progressive entrepreneurs, change artists, thrill seekers and adrenalin junkies excluded).
SO…what are YOU going to do?
You live in this life that is always changing, growing, expanding and evolving and YOU might not want to.
Remember being a kid and how every day was a new adventure?
(Key word: “new”).
And you would get bored so easily…you lived for something to change…something new to discover.
What happened?
You grew up and maybe got influenced by the “bigger, better, faster, more, now but do it the same” machine.
You see the problem, don’t you?
You can’t live and grow without living and growing (a.k.a. change).
So…here’s the question again…what are YOU going to do?
Denial has been the choice for some…maybe even many.
People deny that change is occurring all around them or they deny that it’s time for them to change.
Put a baseball cap over a pile of manure and it still smells and draws flies even if you call it a baseball cap.
No…denial doesn’t work…it makes things worse.
The answer?
Embrace change…in fact, create change.
Yes, if you embrace and create change, then you’re already ahead of it.
Where do you think change comes from? Mostly from other people who cause and create change!
So why not you?
You can be a change artist.
A Change Artist: One who embraces, causes and creates change for the greater good.
(The “greater good” part is optional but it only makes sense since you happen to be that kind of person, yes?)
Many people get caught up in the complaints and problems of life and don’t take the next step to do something about it.
If you don’t, who will?
In other words, if you don’t like change, then be change.
It’s quite simple.
Change or be changed.
Since change is going to happen, you might as well have some control and some choice, right.
You might as well have some fun with it as well.
Go back to your days as a child and engage in the wonderland of discovery, adventure and the great unknown.
You’re wired for growth and expansion. Why do anything other than what you’re designed for?
Why do so many people never use their full potential or capabilities?
Only one reason: They resist change.
Start today by deliberately doing something different.
Something REALLY different.
(Yes…that was a dare.)
Dare yourself to be the change.
Dare yourself to do something bold today that will have a positive impact on yourself and others (or maybe just others if you can manage to do it anonymously as well).
But whatever you do, don’t do nothing.
Change is occurring faster today than ever and you’re either going to cause it or you’re going to be impacted by it.
It’s your choice.
I have faith you’ll make the best choice.
Introducing the next Change Artist…YOU!
Marry YourSelf First!
Addiction, Depression, Divorce and The Lizard Brain
Filed under: addiction, depression, divorce, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first
Here are some common questions people ask:
- Why do people set themselves up for bad relationships when they know the other person doesn’t share their necessary values?
- Why would someone who knows they have a drug or alcohol problem continue to drink or use drugs?
- Why do people get involved with someone if they know there’s a deal-breaker already there (i.e. drugs, alcohol, children, religion, etc.)?
- If someone knew they could do something very simple to feel better, why would they choose to continue to feel bad?
- Don’t people understand that if they settle for less in the beginning, they always get even less in the end?
There’s actually one word that ties these questions together…
Change.
People don’t like to change.
Most people don’t change.
Most people don’t think they need to change.
Some research suggests that 95% of the population tries NOT to change.
Yes…they resist change.
The irony is that you really can’t resist change as it’s happening all the time, all around you, whether you like it, or want it, or not.
But can you convince someone who doesn’t want to change that change would do them good?
Yes…no…maybe…it depends.
But the problem is the human brain.
And while it would appear that some people making really bad and self-destructive choices are more suffering from brain damage, it’s actually not that.
It’s the “reptile brain.”
The reptile brain, also referred to as the reptilian brain or lizard brain, is the oldest part of our brain and connected directly to our spinal cord.
The primary purpose of the reptile brain is survival and protection.
If you literally watch lizards you’ll see them automatically defend their turf through behaviors like head-bobbing which demonstrates assertive and aggressive posturing.
They automatically go into protective and survival mode whenever they feel threatened.
Sometimes they run and sometimes they attack.
They never sit still for very long.
They don’t like change…at all.
People who tend to engage in obsessive-compulsive behavior, rituals or superstitious thinking are all being governed by the reptile brain.
Likewise, people who continue to do the same thing over and over (behavior slaves), are also being dominated by the reptile brain.
The bottom-line is that people are programmed to resist change because this reptile part of the brain interprets change as potentially dangerous.
So is there no hope then for these people?
Actually, yes, there is…in fact, more hope today than ever.
The one dynamic every self-help book has in common is that they all support change.
Every personal growth and development program does the same.
So do all the 12-step programs and other related recovery programs.
The question, then, and really the ONLY question, is:
Are you open to change?
Many people will stay in their familiar and predictable patterns only because the patterns are familiar and predicable.
You can invite, challenge or dare someone else to change.
You can even threaten them with losing something if they don’t.
But in the end, the other person has to want it more than you.
Then you may be left asking yourself, “What do I need to do to change in myself to make this all more accepting?”
This is a hard pill to swallow especially if you really care about the other person.
This is, in fact, where most codependency is born.
It’s about caring so much that you actually begin to overstep what you’re responsible for and try to do for the other person what they in fact need to do for themselves.
Good thing you can turn to counselors who specialize in facilitating change for help.
And the Serenity Prayer is a good reminder as well:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people);
The courage to change the things I can (yourself);
And the wisdom to know the difference (boundaries and letting go).
Yes, people can manage the reptile brain.
They have to want to first.
Then, they must have the awareness and deliberately step over, around, or just ignore the unnecessary warning signals altogether.
In the end, change is always good.
It’s happening anyway so you might as well learn to go with it rather than against it.
Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson Answers:Why Am I So Messed Up?
Filed under: adversity, assertive, communication, depression, heartbreak, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, mental health, relationship, work life balance
“Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you’re alive, it isn’t.” ~Richard Bach
Every day I hear people asking me this question, “Why am I so messed up?”
They don’t always say just exactly those words, although sometimes they do, but they say something similar and definitely with the same meaning.
So, why are WE so messed up?
The good news is that it all comes down to two things:
1.) We don’t know what to do.
2.) We just don’t do what we know to do.
Nice to know it’s that simple, right?!!
Let’s look at the first, the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.
Why would you know what to do?…who taught you?…where did you learn from?
See, most people have extreme emotional and relational deficits. Unless you went to some very, very non-mainstream school, you never had classes that taught you any of this. And because very few people really learned the art of handling emotions and relationships effectively, then it only makes sense that they would pass their deficits on to their children.
So it’s easy to see and understand the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.
Which brings us to number two: We just don’t do what we know to do.
This is the real kicker and here’s why: There are so many resources today to help people improve their lives. And much of it is absolutely free. Go to YouTube and you will find hours and hours of free, good coaching and education on emotional and relationship management. All free!
Do a Google search and you’ll find websites, blogs and forums that you can participate in and have ongoing conversations to seek out answers to all your challenges.
And if you’re willing to invest a few bucks in yourself, you can invest in books or audio and video programs that will bring the experts right into your home or office.
And if you want to go full out, then you can actually hire a professional coach or counselor to give you the 1:1 guidance you want to improve your life and relationships.
But everyone probably knows all this and they still just don’t do what they know to do.
Why?
It can only be one of a very few things:
1.) Denial: “I don’t have any issues…really.”
2.) Minimization: “It’s not that big of a deal.” (Which is a form of denial.)
3.) Cynicism and blame: “Sure, I’ll change when she changes.”
4.) Stupidity: “Duh.” (This doesn’t actually exist; some people just pretend that it does.)
So the REAL question is this: How badly do you want to improve your life?
Or maybe this one: How much pain, heartache, misery or depression do you want to endure in your life?
Yes, challenges are definitely part of life, but pain, heartache, misery and depression are all optional.
But it all comes back to you.
YOU have to choose to want a better life.
YOU have to choose to want better relationships.
YOU have to choose to want a better career path.
YOU have to choose to want better health.
YOU have to choose to want a better spiritual connection.
YOU have to choose to want better friends.
YOU have to choose to want a better you.
The really good news is that YOU are in total control of all that.
The next question is: When will you start?
If you want to be a victor, you must release being a victim!
“I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.” ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
Marry YourSelf First!…Today!
Ken Donaldson Introduces W. Clement Stone: BE GENEROUS!
Be generous! Give to those whom you love; give to those who love you; give to the fortunate; give to the unfortunate; yes—give especially to those to whom you don’t want to give.
Your most precious, valued possessions and your greatest powers are invisible and intangible. No one can take them. You, and you alone, can give them. You will receive abundance for your giving. The more you give—the more you will have!
Give a smile to everyone you meet (smile with your eyes)—and you’ll smile and receive smiles.
Give a kind word (with a kindly thought behind the word)—you will be kind and receive kind words.
Give honor, credit and applause (the victor’s wreath)—you will be honorable and receive credit and applause.
Give time for a worthy cause (with eagerness)—you will be worthy and richly rewarded.
Give hope (the magic ingredient for success)—you will have hope and be made hopeful.
Give happiness (a most treasured state of mind)—you will be happy and be made happy.
Give encouragement (the incentive to action)—you will have courage and be encouraged.
Give cheer (the verbal sunshine)—you’ll be cheerful and cheered.
Give a pleasant response (the neutralizer of irritants)—you will be pleasant and receive pleasant responses.
Give good thoughts (nature’s character builder)—you will be good and the world will have good thoughts for you.
Give prayers (the instrument of miracles) for the godless and the godly—you will be reverent and receive blessings, more than you deserve!
Be generous! Give!
~W. Clement Stone
Marry YourSelf First Every Day in Every Way!
Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
Visit me at The Tampa Bay Examiner
Find me on:
Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
Men and Depression
Why The Hell Am I Feeling This Way? Men and Depression: For all Men and the Women who love them Click Here
Visit me at The Tampa Bay Examiner
Find me on:
