Ken Donaldson: Get Smarter and Raise Your Relational Intelligence
Filed under: differences, divorce, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, relationship
You’ve seen the obvious trends: Increased numbers of divorces, more frequent domestic violence and an overall decrease in relationship intelligence.
We’re becoming relationship dummies.
It’s time to get smart and raise your Relational Intelligence (RQ)!
But how do you raise your RQ?
Let’s start by understanding three components of a highly intelligent relationship culture and what it takes to make healthy relationships:
First, let’s all learn how to effectively deal with conflict and differences.
Second, let’s practice commitment and apply commitment actions to make relationships last.
Third, let’s all be good relationship role models for our children and for future generations.
When we do that, we begin to break the dysfunctional cycle of divorce and domestic violence!
Additionally, it’s wise to know the healthy stages of the relationship continuum. Yes, relationships grow and develop through stages and if you don’t know the stages, then you’re bound to get lost and create relationship havoc for yourself and others.
It’s also worthwhile to know what the most common divorce predictors and indicators of relationship failure are. Always good to know what the early warning signs are!
Perhaps the biggest piece of relationship intelligence is knowing how to effectively communicate, especially with emotionally charged issues.
This is commonly referred to as the “intentional dialogue” and it has very specific techniques that help the people in the conversation stay in the conversation and manage the emotional state of the conversation.
As odd as it may sound, it’s also wise to create a proactive “Relationship Success Plan.” Actually, this only sounds odd because most people don’t do it. Always best to do this before you’re in a relationship, but is equally as valuable to create once you are in a relationship.
When you apply new methods of creating positive rituals in relationships, you also increase your RQ.
And when you understand how to increase positive energy in your relationships, your RQ is raised as well.
It’s time for us to realize that relationship education is no longer an option…it’s mandatory. Reading, writing and arithmetic are not going to prevent divorce, domestic violence or depression. We need life skills training that targets confidence building, self esteem enhancement and basic conflict resolution skills. This is the start to creating healthier individuals who can then create healthier relationships.
It’s time to create relationship education that will change our relationship priorities…that will make us relationally smarter….and raise our RQ!
I invite you to do something to help break these patterns and create a happy, healthy and more harmonious legacy for our future generations.
Go ahead…I dare you!
And Marry YourSelf First!
Coach Ken Donaldson: Avoid Frustration, Irritation and Fatigue…Avoid Chasing Rabbits
Filed under: assertive, boundaries, communication, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first
“Underneath every bush you’ll find a mud rabbit ready to bolt.” ~ Old Proverb
Rabbits are fast…really fast.
And should you decide you want to chase a rabbit you can be assured that in the end, you’ll be extremely frustrated, very irritated and exceptionally tired.
So who would chase a rabbit?
You might!
Rabbits represent the type of conversations that have no end…they just go on and on and on…like that bunny on the TV commercial…remember him?
Yes, these conversations are typically steeped with long-winded stories full of classic self-pity: The “poor-me-ain’t-it-awful-why-does-this-always-happen-to-me” syndrome.
And if you engage in these conversations, you’re very likely to get your life force drained from you.
In other words, you’ll find yourself feeling the previously mentioned triad of frustration, irritation and fatigue.
(Note: What you need is some highly effective communication strategies….read on!)But maybe you felt compassionate for them.
Maybe you thought you could help them.
Maybe you thought they would really accept your solutions (and chances are you have some very good ones!!)
NOT!
Not rabbits.
Rabbits play a game: They like to feel sorry for themselves and they wear it like a banner…poor me…ain’t it awful…why does this always happen to me?
What’s the payoff you ask?
Attention….because they get to stay in “the problem” and refuse any solutions, they will always have a hook to pull people in.
Sad, that this is their tactic to get attention.
In the end, which usually comes quite quickly, they burn people out and run people off.
All of which adds to their story.
But what can you do if you are confronted by a rabbit?
First, there are three simple principles to remember:
1.) Don’t chase a rabbit. Resist at all costs. Yes, you’re likely to be tempted out of guilt, compassion or obligation, but don’t do it.
2.) If you find yourself chasing a rabbit, remind yourself of the first principle.
3.) If you continually find yourself chasing rabbits, be aware that you are beginning to create the script to become a rabbit yourself.
So basically this means that you avoid these people and these conversations if possible.
However, there may be times when these sly rabbits sneak up on you and snag you into their trap.
In those cases, there are some simple and highly effective tactics you can implement to avoid chasing rabbits very far:
1.) The “What I hear you saying is…” tactic. This keeps you disengaged and distant. It keeps you listening instead of trying to come up with solutions (Remember, rabbits don’t want solutions).
2.) The “Tell me more…” tactic. You’re likely to resist this tactic because you may NOT want them to tell you more. However, this will keep you from getting pulled further into the story.
3.) The “That makes sense to me because…” tactic. You may also find yourself resisting this tactic because it may feel like you’re agreeing. You’re not. You’re simply letting the other person know that what they’re saying makes sense. This is still a neutral response, which is exactly where you want to stay.
4.) The “If I was in your shoes, I’d probably feel the same way…” tactic. This is called empathy. This reinforces that you understand. However, is still keeps you detached from any serious emotional entwinement with the rabbit.
5.) The “I need to go use the restroom…” tactic. Yes, there are times when you’ll need to physically remove yourself from getting sucked down the rabbit hole. Using the restroom, having to make a phone call or having another appointment, are all useful interventions.
Also, beware of the rabbit’s eyes: They seem to never blink and if you look too long or too deep, you may find yourself falling into the hypnotic trance and the rabbit will then draw you deep, deep into the rabbit hole and you could very likely lose all sense of reality.
Yes, these are some of the finer points of using effective boundaries in challenging and sometimes difficult situations.
If you have difficulty implementing these tactics, then you might just want to talk with a therapist or a coach to find out what might be blocking you.
Chances are, it’s something out of your consciousness and probably something from your subconscious that’s getting activated.
I know a guy who can help you…and I know a great book that’s helpful as well!
Ken Donaldson: My Best Life and Relationship Advice…
Filed under: boundaries, communication, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, relationship, singles
Published 3 hours ago
Relationship Coach Ken Donaldson (that’s me!!) with some relationship advice on relationship issues, like good communication tips, boundaries, self esteem, Marry YourSelf First, stress management and an assortment of other helpful tips and guidance to improve your life and your relationships!
Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson, Marry YourSelf First and Your Ultimate Life
Filed under: assertive, boundaries, communication, dating, divorce, humor, Ken Donaldson's Blog, Law of Attraction, life purpose, marry yourself first, mental health, relationship, singles, success, values, vision map, work life balance
Want more passion, power, purpose and prosperity in your life? Here’s the official Ken Donaldson Marry YourSelf First!® 20 Core Success Principles to Create Your Ultimate Life, Relationships and Career!
#1 Allow your life purpose to be the flashlight to keep you on the pathway of your life.
#2 Create your vision and you’ll have the magnet that will pull you into your ultimate and utmost future.
#3 Allow your values and priorities to be the guides on your path that will keep you going in the direction of your purpose and your vision.
#4 Create and live your legacy today.
#5 Live by the Law of Attraction and put your focus, energy, emotions AND action toward what you truly desire in this lifetime.
#6 Give unconditionally and anonymously.
#7 Practice the daily rituals that evoke your unique spirituality and invite your True Essence and your Highest Self to shine.
#8 Know and live by your deal-makers and deal-breakers.
#9 Discern between accepting and settling. Accept what you cannot change, but never settle for anything below your standards.
#10 Live by your integrity, and allow yourself to be true to you first and foremost.
#11 Know, practice and learn from your boundaries (proactive and reactive, inner and outer), and by doing so you allow yourself to be in your power, in the present moment and in the highest degree of balance possible.
#12 Find and use the support networks that encourage your passion, power, purpose and prosperity, and invite your whole self to shine.
#13 Learn the communication strategies and tactics that will further empower you, reinforce your boundaries and fulfill all your needs.
#14 Understand and live in accordance with the relationship developmental process. In doing so you’ll have the closest relationships only with those who truly support, accept and encourage you.
#15 Always be willing to step out of your comfort zone to promote growth, change and unlimited possibility into your life.
#16 Commit to finalize all your unfinished business from the past and in doing so allow yourself to be present in the present.
#17 Separate “who you are” – your being – from “what you do” your doing – and choose to live more from your being state.
#18 Learn to go with the flow in life. Navigate through and around the challenging times and be focused on the journey, not the destination.
#19 Practice frequent silliness, deliberate breathing and conscious walking, all to give yourself the proactive medicine of health and well-being.
#20 Recognize, accept and embrace the perfect imperfection of you.
Any questions ( leave them below, as well as any comments you might have)?
Now…go live your life to the fullest…more passion…more power…more purpose…and more prosperity!
It’s time for YOU to get with the Marry YourSelf First! movement
Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson and Your Toughest Relationship Issues
Filed under: boundaries, communication, dating, divorce, Ken Donaldson's Blog, love, marriage, marry yourself first, relationship, singles
Got a question you’d like to ask me live?
You’ll have your chance this Wednesday (7/28) as I’ll be the guest on “The Ask Vera Show”
The Ask Vera Show is every 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month. It’s a 30 minute free show focused on answering the toughest questions on relationship issues.
Vera will be grilling me with her most challenging relationship questions and you’re invited to do the same!
Come join us and tell your friends.
Call in number: 1 808 206-9730
Conference ID: 208018#
I hope to “see” you and your friends then and there!
Click here for all the details
Marry YourSelf First!
Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
Visit me at The Tampa Bay Examiner
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Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
Men and Depression
Why The Hell Am I Feeling This Way? Men and Depression: For all Men and the Women who love them Click Here
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