Those Cheating Hearts and Why They – And Their Partners – Don’t Change
Filed under: adversity, Breaking up, differences, heartbreak, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marriage, marry yourself first, recovery, relationship, trust
I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.
Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.
Why do people cheat?
Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.
All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.
But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…
You get the picture, right?
The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.
But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?
Wow! These numbers are not so common.
And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”
Sorry to be the bearer of the news.
The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.
This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.
So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?
Answer: It’s “easier” not to.
The problem is that “easier” is often not better.
But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.
We are a “change ignorant” people.
(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)
Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.
But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.
Sound contradictory?
Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”
And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.
The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.
Just four simple points:
1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.
2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.
3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.
4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.
Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.
But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?
AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.
Start today: Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson And The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships
Filed under: communication, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marriage, marry yourself first, relationship, trust
The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships (Assertiveness to Zealousness and Everything In-Between):
• Assertiveness: You must ask for what you want…directly.
• Boundaries: Know what to say yes to and what to say no to.
• Communication: The cornerstone of all healthy relationships.
• Deal Makers/ Deal Breakers: The absolutes and unbendable.
• Emotional Management: Manage your own inside game.
• Focus-Fear-Faith: Whatever you focus on is where you’ll go.
• God: Practice your spirituality; whatever it is.
• Humor: MUST have this for flexibility in the relationship…and life!
• Integrity: Operating from your wholeness.
• Jealousy: Just say “NO!” to jealousy.
• Ken on Call: Have a coach or counselor you can go to help if/when you need to.
• Logs on the Fire: Keep the fire of passion going.
• Most Important: Operate from your values…always!
• NO Blame, Shame or Games: Stay away as these are the three destroyers of all relationships.
• Openness: Stay open, be honest and lead with willingness.
• Purpose: Live according to your purpose…put purpose in your relationship…make it big and exciting!
• Questions: Make inquiries and be curious….stay away from accusations.
• Rituals: Create positive rituals to create ongoing positive energy.
• Support Networks: Always have people you can turn to for help.
• Tongue-Foo Bull-Fighting: Know how to step out of the way, when to listen and when to walk away.
• Understanding: Always seek to understand and build a bridge.
• Validation: Seek to find and validate each other’s emotions.
• Work-Life Balance: Leave work at work…make time to relax and recharge.
• X (Ex) Relationship Baggage: Leave the past in the past.
• Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Live in today…period!
• Zealousness: Always find the zeal in the life and bring it into the relationship.
Click here to get the FREE couples guide: Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!
And Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson: 10 Step Program for Relationship Success
Filed under: boundaries, communication, Ken Donaldson's Blog, life purpose, marry yourself first, relationship, values, vision map, work life balance
Relationships: Why is it that some people seem to have such ease with them, and other people seem to chronically struggle with them?
Perhaps it’s because some people have prepared themselves and others haven’t.
From my 25 years of experience working with people on the frontlines and in the trenches of their relationship challenges, I have discovered that some people plan and some people don’t.
Sounds too simplistic, doesn’t it?!!
It’s not, as the same rules apply for business. The successful businesses have plans and those that are not successful, don’t.
Simple, yes, but very true.
By now, you’ve heard the saying that “people don’t plan to fail; they just fail to plan.” This saying is most likely the cause of relationship success (and failure).
In fact, there are ten primary factors that I have seen people who are more successful in their relationships use over and over.
Would you like to know what these ten factors are?
Cool!
Maybe the easiest way to introduce them is through a self-evaluation.
Consider this the “10 Step Program for Relationship Success.”
The following evaluation will assist you in assessing your life which, if you didn’t know, is the foundation for all healthy relationships.
At the same time of providing you with helpful feedback to create a happy life and an exciting career, this simple test will direct you to develop the core essentials to create the healthiest relationships possible.
Feel free to share this with your friends, family and loved ones and ask for their input and feedback.
On the following ten items, rate each item using a 0 to 10 scale:
- 8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and supports my success in life
- 5-7: OK; this area needs to be strengthened for me to be truly successful
- 0-4: Needs Work; this area could stop me from going forward and being successful
1. Vision: I have an exciting Vision for my life and I’m clear where I’m going in life.
2. Purpose: I have a deep understanding of my Life Purpose and the importance of it in my life and in the lives of others I impact.
3. Values and Priorities: I know my values and have taken the time to write down the ten most important values of my life. I also know my day-to-day priorities that keep me focused.
4. Soul Food and Spirituality: I am aware of the activities, people, places and events which energize me and feed my personal spirituality.
5. Boundaries: I am aware of the boundaries I need to keep with myself and I’m confident about setting boundaries with others, all of which support my Vision, Purpose and Values.
6. Support Network: I have a powerful support network I use regularly. I ask for assistance in getting past stuck points and I use the power of the “MasterMind” to generate new ideas and solutions.
7. Life Balance: I regularly evaluate and have a measurable system to check my life balance and I make the necessary adjustments, while also realizing that life is always moving and there is no perfect balance.
8. Communication: I am comfortable using the most assertive communication tactics necessary to get my needs met and my goals accomplished. I especially practice my listening skills as I realize that listening is the most powerful part of effective communication.
9. Living in the Present: I am always focused on being in the present (rather than the past or the future) and I have moved past old hurts, resentments and/or trauma.
10. Flexible: I know that I am “perfectly imperfect” and I use humor, light-heartedness and silliness to manage any and all stress, and I avoid becoming overly serious about anything!
Total your score and let’s see how you did:
80-100= Green Light: You’re on track for highly successful relationships…keep growing forward!
50-79=Yellow Light: There are some areas of your life that need attention in order for you to truly have the relationship you desire.
0-49=RED LIGHT: It’s time to put YOU first and focus on these foundational areas that will support all your future success, especially in your relationships.
There you go: A brand new 10 Step Program for Relationship Success.
Master these ten areas and not only will you have extraordinary relationships, but you’ll also have an extraordinary life.
After all, the two do go together!
Marry YourSelf First!
Coach Ken Donaldson and The State of Relationship Affairs
Filed under: communication, divorce, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, relationship
I saw a report that said a man used a shared computer to log onto his wife’s e-mail account and discovered she was cheating. (I’m quite sure this isn’t the first time that this has happened…neither the cheating nor the snooping).
Evidently this guy has now been charged with felony computer misuse and faces five years in prison…Wow!! Do we really clutter our courtrooms with these ridiculous over-sensationalized relationship dysfunctions?
Really?!!
It is right or wrong for this guy to be charged (and maybe go to jail)?
Maybe that’s NOT the bigger issue.
There is something HUGE here on a more global level…it’s called “relationship intelligence” and there is a huge deficit of it in the world today.
If one of the people in a relationship has to snoop to find out what’s really going on, what does that say?
It suggests that there is a severe lack of openness and honesty (for starters).
How did it get this way?
When cases like this are brought into the light, it’s a great opportunity to look at the state of relationships in general.
When it comes to relationship intelligence, we have a failing grade.
Start with this: In mainstream education we don’t teach our kids anything about relationship skills, communication skills or how to deal with conflict, and many of us have had “less than desirable” role models growing up.
Boundaries, values and integrity…anyone have those classes?
Maybe we should let TV, movies and books with fictional stories teach us these things…right?
How about commitment, dedication and loyalty…maybe we should let these necessary dynamics of successful relationship occur by osmosis!
Getting back to the story, what do we really expect?
Openness and honesty?
No! Why should we? We’re surrounded by numerous drama-filled stories of deceit, deception and dishonesty that fill our airwaves, cable news headlines and newspapers every day.
And this case is just one of thousands of highly dysfunctional relationship situations that are occurring all the time.
As off the wall and odd as it may sound, how about we use these publicized relationship breakdowns as springboards to change things, rather than just sensational news items that become role models for future relationships?
I’m just asking…
What do you think? Feel free to leave a comment or two below.
Marry YourSelf First!
Coach Ken Donaldson: Why Are Emotions So Tough Or Are They
Filed under: adversity, anger, emotions, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, mental health
Sad, mad, scared, ashamed…who wants to be the first to talk about these feelings?
No hands went up and there were no volunteers…how come?
Is it because the idea of you actually controlling emotions seems too challenging?
Or perhaps you were brought up in an “emotionally detached” environment and emotional expression just feels too weird or uncomfortable.
But when the question is asked “how to control your emotions” every few people seem to have answers.
In fact, most people run when they hear questions about emotions or the mere conversation about emotions.
That is, of course, unless these same people are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, then for some strange reason they often get instantaneously comfortable, confident and courageous about expressing themselves and their emotions.
But that doesn’t really count, does it?
In fact, that may be one BIG reason why there is a huge drug and alcohol problem: People can only deal with their emotions while under the influence.
Sad, isn’t it?!!
Look at the following list of emotions and see what you feel when you read them:
- Joy
- Sadness
- Trust
- Disgust
- Fear
- Anger
- Surprise
- Anticipation
Which feel the most comfortable?
And which feel the least comfortable?
Any idea why?
Most people are more at ease with “joy” or it’s close relative “happiness” than most of the others…why?
Some people aren’t even comfortable with these lighter and happier emotions.
When asking “why” it seems to be so challenging to express emotions, here are some things to consider:
1.) We are not typically taught much of anything about emotions. We have no classes and very little, if any, curriculum in mainstream education about emotions and the expression thereof. Therefore, we are all, by default, rather emotionally dumb.
2.) Many people are brought up in environments which had excessive emotions in one direction or another and because of this, these people often associate emotions as being dangerous, inappropriate or as an “out of control” experience. Therefore, there is conditioned response, much like a reflex, to avoid the emotions.
3.) Much of what is portrayed about emotions through various media outlets (TV, movies, books, etc.) is extremely distorted…Do you really want to have “The Simpsons” as your emotional role model? This adds to both the conditioned emotional avoidance response and low emotional intelligence.
The end result is that most people have very little, if any, solid foundation to explore or express emotions.
You could say that we’ve become rather emotionally ignorant.
So here’s the next question: How can you create better emotional health, more emotional connection and healthy resources to better control your emotions?
Here’s the simple answer: Make all your emotions okay.
Easier said than done, right?
Start by making a new rule: All your emotions are okay…no good ones and no bad ones, they are just all okay.
After all, (now get ready to hear this!!) they are ONLY emotions.
That’s right…ONLY emotions.
They don’t really mean anything.
BUT, people often attach a HUGE meaning to them and that’s what makes them so challenging.
When you get to the place where you can simply observe emotions, whether they are yours or others, you’ll find that without the meaning attached (which is usually a negative distortion), the emotion itself has very little charge to it.
AND ponder this: If you could, by some kind of act of modern science, bring “Younger You” into the present, what would you say to Younger You about all those emotions?
Probably that all emotions are all okay, normal and healthy, and that emotional expression is especially okay…right?!!
Then perhaps you could practice just that: Imagine having one of these imaginary conversations with Younger You…a “corrective conversation” that would give Younger You permission to have and express any and all emotions.
And the value of this? Your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference (in most cases) between what’s real and what’s imagined. Therefore when you use your imagination to your benefit (like in this simple practice) you actually leave a new, and positive, impression in the subconscious.
It’s like planting new seeds in your garden and these are the seeds of how you want things to be.
Take good care of these new seeds (“water the seeds” frequently) by spending a couple minutes each day with these new imagery exercises.
You’ll begin to change your reactions from the inside-out.
Work with all types of emotions, include them all, and make sure you include the love emotions…many people received many mixed messages here.
Improve your emotional intelligence and you’ll find all areas of your life improving.
And Marry YourSelf First!
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Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
Men and Depression
Why The Hell Am I Feeling This Way? Men and Depression: For all Men and the Women who love them Click Here
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