The answer may NOT be what you were thinking!

Did you know that couples sleeping separately has become a new trend?

My friends at Fox 13 Good Day Tampa Bay asked me what my thoughts were about this trend and the impact on relationship harmony.

Watch and listen, and then leave your comments below!

Is the marital bed headed toward extinction?

New studies show that one in four American couples are saying good-night and then going their separate ways into separate beds. The National Association of Home Builders expects 60 percent of custom-built homes will be designed to have two master bedrooms by 2015!

So…why couples are sleeping apart? What are your thoguhts?

And Marry YourSelf First!

You’ll have your chance this Wednesday (7/28) as I’ll be the guest on “The Ask Vera Show”

The Ask Vera Show is every 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month. It’s a 30 minute free show focused on answering the toughest questions on relationship issues.

Vera will be grilling me with her most challenging relationship questions and you’re invited to do the same!

Come join us and tell your friends.

Call in number: 1 808 206-9730

Conference ID: 208018#

I hope to “see” you and your friends then and there!

Click here for all the details

Marry YourSelf First!

Can I recover from a marital affair?

How do I deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do I do after infidelity?

Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?

Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.

But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?

Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.

However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.

Answer: ???????

Not such a good answer, right?

There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.

So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.

The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.

If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.

If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.

One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?

Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.

The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.

Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.

The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.

Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!

If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.

In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.

So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!

And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.

Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.

These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.

On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?

The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!

True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”

You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.

Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.

Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.

Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.

How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?

Can you recover from a marital affair?

How do you deal with marriage infidelity? 

What do you do after infidelity?

Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?

Yes…no…maybe.

But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.

Please leave your comments below…

Marry YourSelf First Every Day!

Below are the questions they posed to me and my “off the top of head” responses.

What other questions would be good to ask regarding break-ups and heart break? What might I be missing or overseeing? How else do you think I can help the heartbroken? What else do you think I can do to prevent future heartbreaking experiences?

Feel free to comment below.

1. What is the biggest challenge with people trying to overcome heartbreak?
Getting through the pain is the biggest challenge. Plain and simple. It sometimes feels like it’s going to last forever. Or that you’re forever scarred. Sometimes minutes seem like weeks and days seem like years. And then there’s also all the racing thoughts: Trying to figure it all out. “Why did this happen?” and “What did I do wrong?” are common, but the Mac-Daddy is “Why does this always happen to me?”The biggest challenge is staying out of the blame game and not feeling like a victim.

In other words, the biggest challenge is figuring out how to move on without resentment, guilt or shame. How to get back on your life-path and go forward with hope and optimism.

2. What is the best thing to do when you have had your heart broken?
Give yourself time…as much as you need. Talk about it with your friends if you need to and write about it if that helps. But more than anything else give it time.

Yes, time does heal all wounds, especially if you give yourself guilt-free, shame-free and resentment-free time.

Yes, it’s good to review and see what happened. See what you can learn for your future. See what you can glean from it to make your future relationships even better.

It’s also good to look at this as something that happened, not something that someone “did to you.”

Stay out of the victim role. Sometimes these things just happen and they don’t make any sense. They just happen.

3. Should you see your “ex”?
Yes…No…Maybe.

It all depends on a number of dynamics. If seeing your ex only makes you feel worse, then no. If the two of you fight or argue (maybe just like the “old days”), then no again.

But if the two of you can have a good conversation, or better yet, a healing conversation, then sure, go ahead and see each other. Can the two of you celebrate the wonderful times you spent together? Can you tell each other what you appreciate about each other? Can you, in a loving way, also share with each other what didn’t work, or what was unacceptable?

Perhaps you can even kindle a friendship from this. Give this all the time it needs and don’t try to rush it.

Remember that this may be a very vulnerable time and you may not be seeing things clearly if there is still a lot of emotion going on.

4. How should people who have separated but have children together behave around one another? What if one partner is mean to the other?
This is a very important element, perhaps even the most important. The children did not do anything to cause this, as this is between the two of you. So at least agree on one rule: Do NOT put the children in the middle nor use them as pawns.

At the very least, speak of each other in a neutral way. Try, however, to be complimentary of each other. And if you think you can hide feelings of anger or resentment from your kids, you’re mistaken. They’ll pick up on it, although they most likely will not say anything about it.

Allow the children to talk about their feelings, but also give them their space. Be respectful of them.

If one parent is mean, just make sure you don’t respond in the same way. Also, even though that would be a great opportunity to speak negatively about your ex, don’t do it. Again, at the very least, stay neutral.

If the kids want to talk about the other parent’s anger or meanness, allow them the safe space to do so.

If this is an ongoing dynamic, then bringing a professional counselor into the mix would be highly recommended.

5. How should you talk about your partner in front of your children?
Again, at least be neutral, and try your very best to be positive and complimentary.

6. What should people do as they recover from a broken heart?
This is a time for recovery and recovery takes many different paths for different people. Some depression is normal, although you don’t want to “feed” the depression. Sunshine, fresh air and gently moving the body are all good natural antidotes for this type of situational depression. Use your support system and surround yourself with compassionate and understanding people. Realize, however, that some people don’t know what to do or what to say, so sometimes they do or say things that can be counterproductive.

Music, dance and artwork are all forms of self-expression that can be very helpful in the healing process.

Joining a support group or a therapy group can also be beneficial.

But remember that recovery takes time and there is no hurry to “get back out there.”

It’s wise to thoroughly review what happened, when you’re ready, and see what you can learn…see what you can carry forward to improve your life and your future relationships.

7. What should people NOT do as they recover from a broken heart?
The worse things you can do:

• Immediately start dating again. You’ll most likely carry all the hurt, anger and whatever else you’re feeling right into the next relationship. Also, you’re thinking and “picking mechanism” is not going to be grounded and clear during this time, so you’re most likely to get into something that could be highly dysfunctional.

• Get into the blame game. It’s easy to take the other person’s inventory and look at everything they did wrong or bad, even if they did do inappropriate things. But what’s the point? The more time and energy you spend focused on that, the longer it’ll take you to move on.

• Get into the victim mentality. How about this: It’s no one’s fault. It just happened…period. Even though it might not make sense and even though there may be many unanswered questions, this is the time to heal and begin to move forward. Instead of getting into “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I can’t believe he-she did this to me,” or how about “live and let live,” as the people in AA say, just pay attention to what you need right now.

This also includes getting into lengthy discussions with your friends about how bad he or she was. It’s time to release and mend your own heart. Staying focused on the pain will only keep you focused on the pain.

8. When is the best time to start dating again after your heart has been broken?
There is no defined timetable as this depends a lot on each person and each unique relationship situation. Better to go slow than fast, as a rule. Socializing with your friends is great, probably sooner than later, but dating needs to have no rush. Many people dive into another relationship as a way to avoid the pain from the former one and usually only make things worse for themselves. When you do start to date again, go slow. Ask a lot of questions and remember what you learned from you past relationship. Perhaps your last relationship opened some insights to yourself; things you didn’t know about yourself previously. Play those new insights forward and create new boundaries for yourself. Be cautious, but also keep shuffling your feet forward.

Funny how we say “fall” in love when the word fall typically means something not so good. Maybe this next time you’ll gracefully tip-toe into love or walk into love.

(This is also where I’d want to put in a shameless plug for Marry YourSelf First, but they aren’t allowing any free PR!)

9. What advice do you have for people who are having trouble opening their hearts up again after a breakup?
Sometimes this happens and it is quite common and normal. This is where it may be good to seek out a professional counselor to help free you up. The mind sometimes plays tricks on us, causing us to think there is still some threat, when actually there is not. Go slow, use your support system thoroughly, including your counselor, and ask a lot of questions and evaluate. It’s okay to go slow…go as slow as you need. Take care of you!

10. How should you approach dating after going through a breakup?
Go slow and be thorough. Remember what you’ve learned. Think from your head, not your heart, meaning you need to make sure that you’re clear about your deal-makers and deal-breakers and that you stick to your boundaries and limits. If you’re not sure about all this, then it’s time to get clear. Use your support system to help, or maybe even a counselor if you can’t figure this out for yourself.

11. What is the best advice you can give to someone going through a breakup?
Decide that it’s done if it’s truly done and begin to heal, recover and move on. Too many people go back and forth unnecessarily, causing more pain. If you haven’t done everything possible, then perhaps you’ll want to get a counselor involved, but at some point you have to decide to either repair the relationship, or move on.
Limbo-land will drain the life out of you.

Surround yourself with truly loving, supportive and compassionate people. Don’t allow the negative people to bombard you with conversation about how bad he or she was.

Leave Your Comments Below…

And Marry YourSelf First Every Day!

“Why won’t he talk to me?”

Okay guys, you’re about to get slammed…don’t say you weren’t warned!

Guys have been getting a bad rap about their lack of openness in relationships for a long time. Maybe even since the beginning of time! And unfortunately, guys, there is quite a bit of truth and validity to all this.

And sure, you could blame your dad because he wasn’t a good role model, or you could even say you were a victim of the times. After all, big boys don’t laugh, cry, smile or get angry, right?!!

But let’s look at this without getting into the blame game or any kind of victim mentality…okay?

First look at why you might want to be more open. Here’s one huge reason: Because it makes her happy! So how about letting go of, “It doesn’t make any sense to me…” at least for now.

Think of this as a gift…More beautiful than a dozen fresh roses…Sweeter than the richest chocolate…Beyond the most sentimental card.

Not just any gift; it’s the gift of all gifts!

She wants to hear what’s going on in your world. She wants to hear your feelings and your thoughts and your fears and your dreams.

She wants to hear it all.

And then she wants you do to the same. It’s not hard. In fact, it’s actually quite simple. It’s called “Listening 101.”

It’s called the “Listening Thee Step” and it goes like this:

Step One: You give her your undivided attention. No TV. No cell phone. No computer. No nothing. Just you, listening fully to her and completely.

Easy…right?!!

Step Two (which goes along with Step One): No judgment or criticism about what she says. Just listen. Be interested in what’s going on in her world. If you don’t understand something, then ask for more information.

Wow…simple and easy!

Oh, almost forgot…

Step Three: Don’t try to fix her…she’s not broken. Maybe a bit emotional. Maybe a bit upset. Maybe a little scared or worried. Maybe even a little angry. But not broke.

That’s it. Do this daily and you’ll be on your way to creating the most fabulous relationship you could ever imagine.

But let’s get back to where we started. Yes, let’s get back to talking about you talking…talking more.

The essence of a relationship is the connection between two people. What does essence mean? This is the soul or the spirit of the relationship. It’s the core or the foundation. It’s the heart of the relationship.

And if the heart stops beating, or if it’s not taken care of properly, then the heart begins to whither and die.

And so does the relationship.

First there’s fighting and bickering, followed by power-struggles and resentment, and then the distance and avoidance happens, and then, as the relationship begins to gasp for fresh air, it dies a slow death.

Nasty sounding isn’t it!??

And it all can be saved, guys, if you’ll just open up more.

Here’s an easy way to make this a part of your regular routine: Every day pick a time to check in with her. Make it a time when she’s available and you’re available. Just ask how her day was. Then share with her what your day was like.

Yes…it’s that simple!

But there is another side to this, since the question was originally posed from the woman’s perspective.

Women, hear this: You cannot “make him” open up.

In fact, nobody can make anybody open up.

You are the only one who can do anything differently. And although you may not want to admit that, that is the way it is.

It’s always easier to try to get the other person (“him” in this case) to do something differently. And that’s probably because our eyes look outward and they don’t look inward.

It sometimes is very uncomfortable to look inward and ask yourself the really tough questions. Even if “he” is stubborn beyond belief, it’s still up to you to ask yourself what you can do differently in your interactions with him.

People (men, in this case) sometimes feel like they’re being attacked, when they are not. In this case, a different approach would be advised.

If someone responds in a defensive manner, don’t ignore it and don’t fight it, but be curious about it. Inquire about it. See what you can find out about this. And do this all with great compassion.

Here’s the bottom-line: When you change your tactics and you approach someone in a different way, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. There’s a possibility that “he” may respond differently.

So, “Why won’t he talk to me?”  Start by having a different conversation. Both of you (guys…ladies!)! Use some new tactics. What have you got to lose? And, by the way, don’t get into analyzing the “why” question. That’s a waste of time. Better to ask yourself, “How?” How can you communicate differently? How can you respond differently? How can you be proactive differently?

Click here to get the free couples guide Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!

Leave a comment or two below…

And Marry YourSelf First Every Day in Every Way!

Is Your Relationship Living or Dying?

This is a classic question being asked by many wives today. The first thing to do is the obvious: Ask him! And in asking him, have you clarified to him how important it is to you and to the kids?

Here are a few things to be aware of when asking:

• Be aware of “how” you’re asking.
• Are you nagging, whining or complaining? Ask in a positive tone.
• When are you asking? Pick a time when he’s available and not preoccupied.

All of which brings up the next question: Have you and your husband been practicing good communication or have you done what many couples do and just gone on autopilot?

Autopilot is a common relationship dynamic that silently says, “Let’s keep it comfortable, predictable and familiar.” Unfortunately, comfortable, predictable and familiar do not allow for  growth and if there’s no growth, the relationship can and will become very stagnant very fast. Sometimes what a relationship needs more than anything else is a shakeup. Something out of the ordinary, like a new way of interacting. Too many couples have become passive and they’ve stopped asking for what they truly want and need, and they’ve stopped making their requests.

In other words, they’ve begun to settle. And here’s a fact about settling: When you settle for less you always get less…never more! For example, couples often settle for setting fewer boundaries, which means they stop making the requests to fulfill their wants and needs, and they stop informing their partner about unacceptable behavior.

And what then happens is as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, there’s a growing separation and distance between the two. And then the wife’s simple issue of “I’d like you to spend more time with the kids,” turns into a resentment filled and fueled power-struggle.

This may sound like an evasion of the original question, but there are bigger issues and dynamics here. These issues don’t grow overnight; they usually have been festering for months, years and at times, even decades.

So the key is really about having healthy assertive communication. One of the greatest gifts one partner can give to another in a relationship is healthy communication. This is particularly relevant when it comes to conflict resolution. Oftentimes conflict resolution simply means to ask the more difficult and sometimes emotionally charged questions.

This issue of the husband spending more time with the family may be one of those situations where there may be a tendency to skate around the issue because it might feel uncomfortable. Like, “I don’t feel like asking him because he might get irritated,” or “I might sound like I’m nagging.”

However, the goal here is simple: Ask and make the request anyway. You must often just take the action that’s uncomfortable or awkward. And yes, it may even stir the pot and create a little conflict, but if you don’t confront and deal with conflict, the relationship will, by default, go on autopilot, and relationships die in autopilot mode!

Die?!! Yes…here’s why: Everything in life is either living or dying. Which means your life is either growing and expanding or shriveling and dying.

And if you’re not addressing issues straight-up and confronting dynamics that are unacceptable, then the relationship is starting to die.

So, how can you get your husband to spend more time with the family? It starts with you communicating effectively and assertively. If you’re not there or can’t seem to get there, or if there has been a continual cycle of breakdowns after you’ve tried over and over again, then it’s time to hire a professional.

It’s amazing what a couple of counseling sessions with a good relationship counselor can do! Have a few sessions with someone who can actively teach you how to effectively communicate with each other.

Do all this and the question of “How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?” answers itself.

Leave a comment below…

Marry YourSelf First! for the Best Relationships

Are You Prioritizing Your Love Life?

We’ll probably never know what has driven Al and Tipper Gore to separate, and out of respect and dignity, we never should. But it does invite a curiosity, and an interesting case study, regarding work life balance and its impact on your core relationships (marriage, life partnerships, etc.).

One of THE most significant parts of work life balance would be your primary, or core, relationships. These relationships are your primary support in life; THE person you can go to to discuss anything.

THE person you can go to in your most desperate times of need.

THE person you can go to to celebrate your wildest dreams.

THE person you can go to to share your most intense fears.

This is true intimacy and is often referred to as the “in-to-me-see” of the relationship!

But if you don’t take care of that relationship, cherish it, respect it, and put it at the top of your personal totem pole of life, then it becomes vulnerable to stagnation, mediocrity, strife and unnecessary breakdown.

It really comes down to priorities: We may never know Al and Tipper Gore’s priorities, but here are 7 core questions for you to ask yourself regarding your work life balance as it applies to your core relationship:

1.) Do you check in with each other regularly and share what’s REALLY going on? Not just the day-to-day superficial stuff, but the core needs, wants, desires and requests.

2.) Do you put time and energy into the relationship on a REGULAR basis? This means truly making the relationship a priority. No auto-pilot here. Conscious and proactive choices to put the relationship first whenever possible!

3.) Are you still dating regardless of how many years you’ve been together? Once a week, or more, is best.

4.) Are you able to discuss, using your best communciation skills, the toughest issues and dynamics with a level of respect, the goal of understanding and the ability to accept the differences of each other?

5.) Do you “speak your partner’s language” in that you know what it is that truly lights them up, gets into their heart and soul and enables them to feel truly extraordinary? Do you do that every day in every way?

6.) If you have children, do you and your partner work as a unified team with your children and also balance between being parents and being partners, remembering that your relationship if the foundation for the whole family unit?

7.) Whatever your passion is in your world of work, do you have a greater passion for your relationship? And if not, will you commit to find that passion because without that it’s like forgetting to put the intimacy logs on the bonfire of love and you’ll then find yourself with only smoldering ashes, or even less?

Again, we will never know what Al and Tipper Gore have gone through, but this is an ideal time for you to check in with your core relationship and honestly assess what your work life balance is and how it’s impacting your relationship.

If it’s not where you want it to be, it may be time for you to seek out a relationship counselor who can help you get back on track to have a great life, and fulfilling career and a most passionate relationship with your life partner!

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

And Marry YourSelf First Everyday!

Feel Free To Leave a Comment or Two…

That wonderful and amazing piece of technology that takes you from one place to another…
usually without any difficulty.

And what is one big element the car relies on to get you there?

The tires…those round rubber donuts which “usually”
create no problems.

Let’s talk about your tires…stick with me here… it’ll all start to make sense…
I promise!

Think of your life as being a car and your tires as one of the most important dynamics to get you
where you want to be in your life.

Each of the tires have an important role, so let’s take a closer look at the tires…

Tire #1: The Know YourSelf Tire

This tire consists of your purpose, your values and your vision.

Take the time now to answer the following questions:

Why am I here (purpose)?
Where am I going (vision)?
What’s most important (values)?

If this tire is not properly aligned, balanced or inflated, your car will not work properly and
you’re likely to have a breakdown on the Highway of Life.

And THAT would be a HUGE bummer!

Tire #2: The Love YourSelf Tire

This tire consists of the ways you affirm yourself, talk to yourself, talk about yourself and
the balance (or lack thereof ) you have in your life.

Answer these questions now:
What good things do I say to myself every day?
How do I celebrate me every day?
How do I love myself every day?
How do I keep myself healthy every day?

Like tire #1, if this tire is not properly aligned, balanced or inflated, your car will
not work properly and you’re likely  – again – to have a breakdown on the Highway of Life.

More bummers!

Tire #3: The Believe in YourSelf Tire

This tire consists of your self-confidence, your communication capabilities, and your ability
to “Play Big” in life.

Answer these additional questions now:
How do I strengthen my confidence muscle?
How do I expand my communication skills?
How can I play bigger and bigger every day in Life?

Yes, like tires #1 and #2, if this tire is not properly aligned, balanced or inflated, your car
will not work properly and you’re most likely to have a breakdown on the Highway of Life.

Breakdowns like these are unnecessary and HUGE bummers!

Tire #4: The Guide YourSelf Tire

This tire consists of your boundaries, priority management and stress management skills.

Answer these last questions now:
How do I evaluate my boundaries?
How do I prioritize my life?
How do I manage stress in my life?

I’m sure you’re catching on…yes, like tires #1, #2 and #3, if this tire is not properly
aligned, balanced or inflated, you’re likely to have a breakdown on the Highway of Life.

And another bummer!

NOW, the only other question is:
What are you going to do about all this?

One answer…and you know what it is:

Marry YourSelf First!
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

If for some reason you haven’t gotten your copy yet, today is the day.
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

If you have your copy, but aren’t using it AND all the wonderful supports and bonuses…
what are you waiting for? A Breakdown???

Plus, today is the last day that CASA – Community Action Stops Abuse – and the
American Diabetes Association will be receiving free books and
a generous percentage of all sales (25%!!).

Invest in some books (the package deals are great for the holidays AND you’ll
get FREE books!) now and keep your tires in alignment, balanced and inflated and
you’ll get further in life than you ever imagined!
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

AND – of course – you’ll automatically receive a complimentary
one year membership to the Personal Empowerment Coaching Program.

One year FREE!
Go now: http://kendonaldson.com/store/

Go get your tire situation straightened out now.

At least answer those 13 questions for yourself… they may be
the most important questions you ever ask yourself!

And Marry YourSelf First every day…in every way!

And have an awesome weekend!

Peace and Prosperity…

Ken

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends, and spirit – and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends, and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same…

You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.” 

~ Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola Enterprises from 1959-1994

And now, hold on to your hat, as I’m about to tell you something you DON’T want to hear:

According to the American Cancer Society (ACS), an estimated 192,370 new cases of invasive breast cancer are expected to be diagnosed among women in the United States this year. An estimated 40,170 women are expected to die from the disease in 2009 alone. Today, there are about 2.5 million breast cancer survivors living in the United States. (And the rate is going WAY up for men too!)
 
What’s the connection? I’m not sure…maybe none…but I doubt it.

Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I wanted to offer my thoughts.

I am NOT a doctor, a researcher or an expert in cancer, but after thousands of clients over 25+ years, I do have some thoughts, observations and opinions.

Don’t feel that you must agree…remember, most of this is my opinion…

Here we go…

Since the breast cancer (and ALL cancers) rate continues to be at a very high (and totally unacceptable … man on the moon but can’t cure cancer!!??) rate, there must be something(s) that we’re doing to invite it.

Maybe it’s partly our diet…we all know how that has become very poor over the years.

Maybe it’s partly all the chemical additives added to our foods…and our water…and in the air we breathe.

Maybe it’s partly the hormones and antibiotics fed to the animals that we then ingest.

Maybe it’s partly the extreme amount of electro-magnetic and radiation pollution that we can’t see and that everyone seems to deny and downplay.

Or maybe it’s partly the stress that we continually add without having the resources to deal with the stress we already had and weren’t dealing with in a healthy fashion.

I don’t know, and like I said, I’m no cancer expert nor am I an expert in any of these other areas…except the last one.

I can talk to you about stress…I can talk a lot about this.

In fact, this is MY area of expertise…

You’ve no doubt heard about the personality types.

Like type A, who are often described as “stress junkies.”

Then there are the type B individuals who, in contrast, are described as patient, relaxed, and easy-going, generally lacking any sense of urgency.

And psychologists have now identified a “type C” (cancer-prone) personality. These people are characterized as people “who respond to stress with depression and a sense of hoplessness.”

Yikes…”depression and hopelessness”!!!

Here’s more: Type C personalities tend to be introverted, eager to please, conforming and compliant.

In other words, they are people pleasers who usually don’t express how they really feel.

Then, that lack of expression leads to depression and hopelessness…yeah, that sounds like just the formula to make people sick!

Holy Suppression, Batman!

Okay, so here’s the deal: If you haven’t been expressing yourself completely and thoroughly, NOW is THE time to start!

First, it’ll make your relationships, your work and – YES!! – your health better.

But more so, isn’t it just the right thing to do!!??

Can’t see yourself doing this (this is where it starts…between your ears!)!!??

So, take the Communication Readiness Quiz™…Here you go…check those that apply to you:

1.) I avoid talking about things I know I should because I am afraid I will hurt someone’s feelings. ____

2.) I am uncomfortable with receiving attention and/or affection. ____

3.) I deflect praise and compliments by downplaying them. ____

4.) I “bite my tongue” again and again rather than speak my mind, until I finally blow up at someone.____

5.) I avoid necessary confrontations.____

6.) I have trouble setting and honoring boundaries in relationships.____

7.) I find it hard to express how I really feel.____

8.) I have a hard time receiving “constructive criticism”. ____

9.) I feel like people don’t listen to me.____

10.) I have trouble asking for what I want.____

Total Communication Readiness Score____

0-1: You are a great communicator…be a role model for others!

2-3: You are a good overall communicator…keep it going!

4-5: You have some good communication skills, but could use improvement in a few areas…don’t wait!

6-7: You have some rough spots in your communication strategies…start now to avoid future problems!

8 or more: You are VERY ready to improve your communication skills…call me today!

Call me…(727) 394-7325…I can help you.

And Marry YourSelf First! will help…for example Chapter 7: Communication Poker: Knowing When to Hold `em, Show `em and Fold `em is all about effective communication.

Get your copy today!
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

In the meantime, how about upgrading your health and making yourself an “anti C type” and “Just Say It!”

As Brian was quoted in the beginning of this article, “…But the other four balls – family, health, friends, and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same…”

Be good to you…start today in every way!

Read more from Ken Donaldson here…

A stands for Attraction; more specifically the Law of Attraction.

The Law of Attraction states that like energies attract each other.
Positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. Therefore,
if you are putting out negative energy you will therefore attract negative
energy into your life. Likewise, if you are putting out positive energy
you will attract positive energy into your life.

So the question is: What vibration are you sending out? If it is negative,
how about experimenting with some new ways of managing your life
to create more positive energy?

See Chapter 2 in Marry YourSelf First!: Doing the Abun-Dance:
The Law of Attraction and the Art of Prosperous Living
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

B stands for Boundaries; and that includes both the boundaries
you have with others and the boundaries you have with yourself.

Saying “No” to something that is unacceptable is an example of a boundary,
as is assertively and proactively asking for what you do want.

Your boundaries with yourself will determine how much balance you have
in your life. Knowing where to end one part of your life (i.e.: Work) and
begin another (i.e.: Family) will help you to stay in touch with your whole
being and therefore create more balance, which, in turn, always results in a
happier and healthier lifestyle.

Do you know your boundaries and are you living according to them?

See Chapters 4 and 5 in Marry YourSelf First!:
4 – The Apples in the Apple Pie:
Knowing What You’ve Got to Have, Want to Have, and Will Not Settle For
And
5- Juggling Bowling Balls While Walking Across Hot Coals:
The Balance Challenge of Life
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

C stands for Communication; specifically your ability to attain and
maintain productive communication with others.

Do you know how to avoid getting “hooked” by another’s
manipulative maneuvering? Do you speak up for yourself,
express your feelings and make your requests directly?
These are all examples of healthy communication skills.

And perhaps the biggest communication skill is that of listening. Do
you know how to combine martial artistry with your listening ability to
create a space of “Zen Listening” in which you can be unaffected by
what another may say but still stay in the conversation?

See Chapter 7 in Marry YourSelf First!: Communication Poker:
Knowing When to Hold `em, Show `em and Fold `em
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

D stands for Deal-makers and Deal-breakers; specifically
your ability to know them and adhere to them.

If you have not written your lists of deal-makers and deal-breakers,
then you are potentially setting yourself up to settle for something
or someone beneath your standards. When you settle for less you
impact your self-esteem and distort your sense of reality.

The bottom-line is that living life without knowing or adhering to
your deal-makers and deal-breakers sets you up for failure, depression,
anxiety and addictive behavior. Now, you don’t want any of that, right??!!

Write your Deal-makers and Deal-breakers lists TODAY!!

See Chapters 4, 5, 6 and 8 in Marry YourSelf First!:
6- Getting the Love: Surrounding Yourself with
Supportive Networks and Communities
And
8- Building Your House on Solid Ground:
Understanding the Relationship Hierarchy
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

E stands for Emotional Management; specifically the
management of the “slipperier” emotions.

This would include anger, fear and sadness.
Most of us have not had any training on how to deal
with these so we have made up our own “rules” about these emotions.
Many of these “rules” are very unrealistic and unhealthy.

The bottom-line is that you are an emotional being and you have every
right to feel and express your feelings as long as you do no harm to
others as you are expressing yourself.

Fear is perhaps THE most challenging emotion, but remember:
You can have FEAR (Fictitious Events Appearing Real) or
FEAR (Face Everything And Rejoice).

Which do you choose??

See Chapters 3 and 9 in Marry YourSelf First!:
3- In Search of the Missing Donut Hole: Your Soul Print
And
9- If It Feels Weird, Do It:
Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone and Into Your Growth Zone
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

There you go: A whole new way of living your
ABC’s that you’ll never be too old for!!

And a few more valid reasons to Marry YourSelf First!
http://kendonaldson.com/store/

Read more from Ken Donaldson here…