Addiction, Depression, Divorce and The Lizard Brain
Here are some common questions people ask:
- Why do people set themselves up for bad relationships when they know the other person doesn’t share their necessary values?
- Why would someone who knows they have a drug or alcohol problem continue to drink or use drugs?
- Why do people get involved with someone if they know there’s a deal-breaker already there (i.e. drugs, alcohol, children, religion, etc.)?
- If someone knew they could do something very simple to feel better, why would they choose to continue to feel bad?
- Don’t people understand that if they settle for less in the beginning, they always get even less in the end?
There’s actually one word that ties these questions together…
Change.
People don’t like to change.
Most people don’t change.
Most people don’t think they need to change.
Some research suggests that 95% of the population tries NOT to change.
Yes…they resist change.
The irony is that you really can’t resist change as it’s happening all the time, all around you, whether you like it, or want it, or not.
But can you convince someone who doesn’t want to change that change would do them good?
Yes…no…maybe…it depends.
But the problem is the human brain.
And while it would appear that some people making really bad and self-destructive choices are more suffering from brain damage, it’s actually not that.
It’s the “reptile brain.”
The reptile brain, also referred to as the reptilian brain or lizard brain, is the oldest part of our brain and connected directly to our spinal cord.
The primary purpose of the reptile brain is survival and protection.
If you literally watch lizards you’ll see them automatically defend their turf through behaviors like head-bobbing which demonstrates assertive and aggressive posturing.
They automatically go into protective and survival mode whenever they feel threatened.
Sometimes they run and sometimes they attack.
They never sit still for very long.
They don’t like change…at all.
People who tend to engage in obsessive-compulsive behavior, rituals or superstitious thinking are all being governed by the reptile brain.
Likewise, people who continue to do the same thing over and over (behavior slaves), are also being dominated by the reptile brain.
The bottom-line is that people are programmed to resist change because this reptile part of the brain interprets change as potentially dangerous.
So is there no hope then for these people?
Actually, yes, there is…in fact, more hope today than ever.
The one dynamic every self-help book has in common is that they all support change.
Every personal growth and development program does the same.
So do all the 12-step programs and other related recovery programs.
The question, then, and really the ONLY question, is:
Are you open to change?
Many people will stay in their familiar and predictable patterns only because the patterns are familiar and predicable.
You can invite, challenge or dare someone else to change.
You can even threaten them with losing something if they don’t.
But in the end, the other person has to want it more than you.
Then you may be left asking yourself, “What do I need to do to change in myself to make this all more accepting?”
This is a hard pill to swallow especially if you really care about the other person.
This is, in fact, where most codependency is born.
It’s about caring so much that you actually begin to overstep what you’re responsible for and try to do for the other person what they in fact need to do for themselves.
Good thing you can turn to counselors who specialize in facilitating change for help.
And the Serenity Prayer is a good reminder as well:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people);
The courage to change the things I can (yourself);
And the wisdom to know the difference (boundaries and letting go).
Yes, people can manage the reptile brain.
They have to want to first.
Then, they must have the awareness and deliberately step over, around, or just ignore the unnecessary warning signals altogether.
In the end, change is always good.
It’s happening anyway so you might as well learn to go with it rather than against it.
Marry YourSelf First!
Five Words To Change Your Life
Five words that can change your life: Hope, Cope, Survive, Thrive, Soar.
These five words can, do and will continue to change and save lives.
Hope: Not the wishful thinking (“I hope I win the lotto”) type, but “the true inner feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” (Dictionary.com)
Imagine if you knew how to instantaneously tap into hope whenever you needed it, for whatever reason.
Hope keeps you going in the face of doubt, fear and the great unknown.
Hope keeps you from giving up and, instead, develops your perseverance and persistence muscles.
Hope is the inner seed that is necessary to continue to go forward into action.
Cope: Once you have hope as your foundation, you can now go into action. Cope is “to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success.” (Dictionary.com)
When you cope you get by. No matter how small it might be, progress is made.
Coping is the beginning of creating positive momentum for your life.
You begin to see how your efforts are moving you forward.
You also know how to deal with challenges, struggles and even failure, and keep moving.
Hope + Cope = Survive
Survive means “to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some occurrence.” (Dictionary.com)
As you build on hope and cope, you develop survival skills. These skills begin to occur automatically because you have practiced them and have developed some confidence around them.
Surviving means you have gotten yourself to a place of stability…ground level zero.
You have recovered successfully.
Many people survive, but never grow past this point.
Many people get comfortable with surviving.
Remember, life is a progression:
Hope > Cope > Survive > Thrive
Thrive means “to prosper; be fortunate or successful, to grow or develop vigorously; flourish.” (Dictionary.com)
When you thrive you are building on the foundation of hope, well developed coping skills and having established yourself as a survivor.
Thriving is a willingness to go beyond the norm.
Beyond average.
Beyond mediocre.
Beyond what you already know and into the great unknown.
Thriving means to take significant risks, because you are going past where you’ve ever been and perhaps, as well, beyond where anyone else has been before.
Thriving means you are willing to stand up, stand out and make a stand for what you believe.
It means letting go of ego, fear and the need to impress others.
Thriving means to be not just outside the box, but to destroy the box and create your own new paradigm.
Perhaps this is the master success formula for life:
Hope + Cope + Survive + Thrive = Soar
Soar means “to rise or aspire to a higher or more exalted level.” (Dictionary.com)
Thriving sets the tone for soaring. Whereas thriving takes tremendous effort, soaring is the outcome from all that hard work, effort and risk
Just like an eagle soars in the thermals, you too will enjoy soaring through your life as you follow this progression.
Soaring is the positive consequence for hard work, many risks and always keeping the ego (and fear) in check.
Soaring does require a huge commitment to be extremely responsible and accountable due to your high level of visibility.
Many people choose not to soar because they don’t want to be seen as the “center of attention.”
Soaring is not accomplished to be in the limelight, although it often results in such.
To soar, you must shed your ego and have no worries what others will think, say or do in response to your soaring.
To soar is to have reached the pinnacle of life.
It is also from where you must be willing to be a role model at the highest level and a mentor to others who seek to accomplish the same.
Hope.
Cope.
Survive.
Thrive.
Soar.
These five words describe what we all need to stay on the positive side of life.
Addiction, depression and divorce, for example, scarcely exist when you live in the progression of hope, cope, survive, thrive and soar.
These are the stepping stones of greatness.
Will you step up, step out and step into your greatness?
Marry YourSelf First!
Joe Monks: Blind Film Director Who Aspires to Inspire
Meet Joe Monks.
(http://www.joemonks.com/)
A blind film director.
Read it again: A blind film director.
Are you trying to figure out how that works?
Joe lost his eyesight in 2002 as the result of his long-time battle with diabetes, but he didn’t let that hold him back, as he wrote and directed The Bunker.
Joe recently received the Achievement in Cinema award at the 2011 Gasparilla International Film Festival.
(And The Bunker is being submitted to the Cannes Film Festival this year.)
Joe didn’t know he was going to have to give a speech at Gasparilla until about 10 minutes before he went on stage.
His impromptu speech was beyond “touching” as he challenged every participant present with his powerful oration.
He began by sharing with the audience the old cliché of “when one door closes…” but he put a brand new spin on it.
He suggested that we not look for another open door when the door closes, but rather, we need to remind ourselves that just because a door is closed, it doesn’t mean it’s locked.
So it’s our job to pick the lock, take off the hinges or break the damn door down (that’s what Joe said!)
Joe went on to use another cliché about dropping the infamous pebble into a pond and how the pebble creates ripples.
But he added his ever so pithy Joeism to it: Because of the award he won the pebble (his movie, The Bunker) is now a bigger pebble and his hopes are that one of the now bigger ripples will get someone’s attention and they’ll say “Joe Monks won an award?!! He sucks!!” (Again, Joe’s words here!)
And for those people, Joe simply says, “Come get some…the door is open.”
Joe Monks is quite an inspirational story, to say the least.
And he’s a guy who could very easily have fallen into depression because of what he “lost” or even gotten into some addictive behavior as a way to cope.
But instead, he has gone forward and done what no one has ever done before.
No one!
And his wife stands by his side.
Segue…
This month’s empowerment topic is: The “Other” A.D.D.: Addiction, Depression and Divorce…What to Know, What to Do and How to Make it All Stick
If you or your loved ones have been challenged by addiction, depression or divorce, keep your eyes and ears open as you’ll be receiving some useful information.
(Click here for a resource for you right now.)
And if you have challenges you’d like to get answers to, feel free to stop by www.AskKenDonaldson.com .
Bring ‘em on and let’s create some break-throughs like Joe’s.
And Marry YourSelf First!
Coach Ken Donaldson: Why Are Emotions So Tough Or Are They
Sad, mad, scared, ashamed…who wants to be the first to talk about these feelings?
No hands went up and there were no volunteers…how come?
Is it because the idea of you actually controlling emotions seems too challenging?
Or perhaps you were brought up in an “emotionally detached” environment and emotional expression just feels too weird or uncomfortable.
But when the question is asked “how to control your emotions” every few people seem to have answers.
In fact, most people run when they hear questions about emotions or the mere conversation about emotions.
That is, of course, unless these same people are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, then for some strange reason they often get instantaneously comfortable, confident and courageous about expressing themselves and their emotions.
But that doesn’t really count, does it?
In fact, that may be one BIG reason why there is a huge drug and alcohol problem: People can only deal with their emotions while under the influence.
Sad, isn’t it?!!
Look at the following list of emotions and see what you feel when you read them:
- Joy
- Sadness
- Trust
- Disgust
- Fear
- Anger
- Surprise
- Anticipation
Which feel the most comfortable?
And which feel the least comfortable?
Any idea why?
Most people are more at ease with “joy” or it’s close relative “happiness” than most of the others…why?
Some people aren’t even comfortable with these lighter and happier emotions.
When asking “why” it seems to be so challenging to express emotions, here are some things to consider:
1.) We are not typically taught much of anything about emotions. We have no classes and very little, if any, curriculum in mainstream education about emotions and the expression thereof. Therefore, we are all, by default, rather emotionally dumb.
2.) Many people are brought up in environments which had excessive emotions in one direction or another and because of this, these people often associate emotions as being dangerous, inappropriate or as an “out of control” experience. Therefore, there is conditioned response, much like a reflex, to avoid the emotions.
3.) Much of what is portrayed about emotions through various media outlets (TV, movies, books, etc.) is extremely distorted…Do you really want to have “The Simpsons” as your emotional role model? This adds to both the conditioned emotional avoidance response and low emotional intelligence.
The end result is that most people have very little, if any, solid foundation to explore or express emotions.
You could say that we’ve become rather emotionally ignorant.
So here’s the next question: How can you create better emotional health, more emotional connection and healthy resources to better control your emotions?
Here’s the simple answer: Make all your emotions okay.
Easier said than done, right?
Start by making a new rule: All your emotions are okay…no good ones and no bad ones, they are just all okay.
After all, (now get ready to hear this!!) they are ONLY emotions.
That’s right…ONLY emotions.
They don’t really mean anything.
BUT, people often attach a HUGE meaning to them and that’s what makes them so challenging.
When you get to the place where you can simply observe emotions, whether they are yours or others, you’ll find that without the meaning attached (which is usually a negative distortion), the emotion itself has very little charge to it.
AND ponder this: If you could, by some kind of act of modern science, bring “Younger You” into the present, what would you say to Younger You about all those emotions?
Probably that all emotions are all okay, normal and healthy, and that emotional expression is especially okay…right?!!
Then perhaps you could practice just that: Imagine having one of these imaginary conversations with Younger You…a “corrective conversation” that would give Younger You permission to have and express any and all emotions.
And the value of this? Your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference (in most cases) between what’s real and what’s imagined. Therefore when you use your imagination to your benefit (like in this simple practice) you actually leave a new, and positive, impression in the subconscious.
It’s like planting new seeds in your garden and these are the seeds of how you want things to be.
Take good care of these new seeds (“water the seeds” frequently) by spending a couple minutes each day with these new imagery exercises.
You’ll begin to change your reactions from the inside-out.
Work with all types of emotions, include them all, and make sure you include the love emotions…many people received many mixed messages here.
Improve your emotional intelligence and you’ll find all areas of your life improving.
And Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson and The Daily Illuminating Dozen
The Daily Illuminating Dozen:
1. How many smiles did you cause today?
2. How many times, regardless of the fear, apprehension or discomfort, did you say “Yes!” to a bigger opportunity today?
3. How many times today did you ignore things (and people) that you may have normally (and probably irrationally) reacted to in the past?
4. How many times did you connect with the people you love today?
5. How many times did you encourage someone else (who really needed it) today?
6. How many times did you practice good self care (including doing nothing at all) today?
7. How many times did you eat healthy today?
8. How many times did you drink pure, fresh water today (even if you didn’t feel like it)?
9. How many times did you give anonymously (time, energy, talents and money) today?
10. How many people did you educate to help them improve their situation today?
11. How many times did you say something positive to yourself about yourself today?
12. How many unconditional hugs did you share today?
Leave your comments below…
Marry Your Self First!
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