Fight, Flight, Fear or Free
Filed under: adversity, anxiety, boundaries, emotions, empowerment, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, positive thinking
Dr. Tom Hanson recently released his latest book, Play Big.
If you don’t know Dr. Tom, he’s a Tampa-based sports psychologist whose niche is helping baseball players (professional and amateur) perform optimally.
More than anything else, he helps these athletes get the inside game won.
Play Big is a fictional story about a player struggling with hitting the ball (only known as “number 21”) who serendipitously meets this extremely shrewd sage who has no name but is very wise about knowing how to win the inside game of baseball (and life).
Think The Peaceful Warrior meets Field of Dreams.
On page 179 the sage introduces the “inner caveman” as the survival and safety mechanism everyone has in their brain.
When the inner caveman perceives a threat, whether it’s real or imagined, it sets off an alarm to be on guard.
When most people feel this alarm they perceive it as anxiety and usually tense up and back away from whatever the perceived threat is.
The problem with that response pattern, whether you’re playing baseball or just interacting with life, is when you tense up and/or back away, you never perform optimally.
This is an overreaction of the “fight or flight” mechanism of the brain, known more formally as the sympathetic nervous system.
When a baseball player steps up to the plate and is in a state of fight or flight, his muscles tighten up too much and he is not able to swing the bat with his natural and instinctual capabilities.
These natural capabilities are actually wired for high performance.
Yes the athlete (and everyone, including you) is wired to succeed and excel at a very high level.
More simply put, you are wired for greatness.
The ONLY thing that gets in the way is the overreactive fight or flight mechanism.
Yes…the mind simply malfunctions at times without you truly knowing why or how.
But what activates the fight or flight mechanism?
Fear.
Fear of failure and rejection to be exact.
Back to the caveman: He needed his tribe to survive, so any threat to being ostracized from the tribe would literally be life-threatening.
In spite of all the information and technological advances and discoveries made over time, the human brain is exactly the same as caveman days.
No…there is no human brain 2.0!
This means if your inner caveman perceives that a failure may lead to rejection, which may in turn lead to being ostracized, then the sympathetic nervous system is activated and you will not perform optimally if you happen to be playing baseball.
This same dynamic is also occurs in all areas of your life and as long as it reacts this way you will not perform optimally.
Not even close, in fact.
This is why the fear of failure and the fear of rejection are so prevalent (and so destructive).
Dr. Tom really didn’t write this book for the athlete; he wrote it for everyone, as everyone can benefit from this technology.
The next question: How does someone change this response pattern?
Simple…they think differently and create a different emotional response.
Here’s an example: Think about something you do every day without much attention. Something that is almost automatic. Maybe driving, or brushing your teeth or putting on your clothes.
Most people do these tasks, and most daily tasks, automatically and very confidently.
So confidently, in fact, that they don’t even think about it much or at all.
When you engage in one of these activities, you’re being unconsciously confident and competent.
Now imagine you’re able to recreate that same automatically confident energy in other tasks that maybe have been anxiety producing in the past.
What happens when you do?
You feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful.
And when you feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful, you automatically feel more confident and perform optimally.
You feel free. Welcome to your greatness!
So, when you visualize yourself doing anything, always see yourself doing it with great ease, calm and peace…breathe deeply and smile, as your body will automatically calm itself with breathing and smiling.
(Yes, stress, deep breathing and smiling cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Stress is overruled by a big smile and a deep breath, and then cast out.)
And remember to stop by and say thanks to Dr. Tom….sneaky guy he is trying to convince the world that this book is about baseball.
Play Big is about life and how to win in a way that will bring you the most happiness and freedom.
That is what you want, right?
And Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson And The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships
Filed under: communication, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marriage, marry yourself first, relationship, trust
The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships (Assertiveness to Zealousness and Everything In-Between):
• Assertiveness: You must ask for what you want…directly.
• Boundaries: Know what to say yes to and what to say no to.
• Communication: The cornerstone of all healthy relationships.
• Deal Makers/ Deal Breakers: The absolutes and unbendable.
• Emotional Management: Manage your own inside game.
• Focus-Fear-Faith: Whatever you focus on is where you’ll go.
• God: Practice your spirituality; whatever it is.
• Humor: MUST have this for flexibility in the relationship…and life!
• Integrity: Operating from your wholeness.
• Jealousy: Just say “NO!” to jealousy.
• Ken on Call: Have a coach or counselor you can go to help if/when you need to.
• Logs on the Fire: Keep the fire of passion going.
• Most Important: Operate from your values…always!
• NO Blame, Shame or Games: Stay away as these are the three destroyers of all relationships.
• Openness: Stay open, be honest and lead with willingness.
• Purpose: Live according to your purpose…put purpose in your relationship…make it big and exciting!
• Questions: Make inquiries and be curious….stay away from accusations.
• Rituals: Create positive rituals to create ongoing positive energy.
• Support Networks: Always have people you can turn to for help.
• Tongue-Foo Bull-Fighting: Know how to step out of the way, when to listen and when to walk away.
• Understanding: Always seek to understand and build a bridge.
• Validation: Seek to find and validate each other’s emotions.
• Work-Life Balance: Leave work at work…make time to relax and recharge.
• X (Ex) Relationship Baggage: Leave the past in the past.
• Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Live in today…period!
• Zealousness: Always find the zeal in the life and bring it into the relationship.
Click here to get the FREE couples guide: Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!
And Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson: How Should Men Respond to Women’s Tears?
Coach Ken Donaldson: I am So Happy That I am Sad
I’m So Happy That I’m Sad?
Sounds weird, right?
Of course…who would be happy about feeling sad?!!
But then again, what if processing sadness was actually healthy?
Well, sadness IS a normal emotion and DOES occur normally and naturally when there is a loss.
So what’s the big deal?
Programming…it’s all in your history and conditioning, which is your programming.
Do you remember what you were told about sadness?
And about crying (which often accompanies sadness)?
For many people, they are told things like:
- Big boys don’t cry.
- Big girls don’t cry.
- Don’t be a baby.
- Act your age.
- Don’t be a wimp.
- Grow up.
- There’s no need to feel sad.
Or the Mac Daddy of them all:
- Keep that up and I’ll give you something to cry about!
It’s no wonder so many people have some difficulty expressing their sadness or even being able to be truly supportive of a friend or acquaintance who is expressing or dealing with sadness.
So…Is it okay to feel sad?
Perhaps if you would give yourself some permission to normalize sadness (that means to make it okay) you’ll find yourself being more comfortable with your own sadness and the sadness of others.
And what would be the benefit of that?
Many people, in an attempt to not feel sadness, self-medicate themselves through activities, events, substances and numerous other behaviors.
In other words, they feel a need to run away from and avoid these feelings.
There is nothing wrong or bad about that as long as it doesn’t lead to anything self-destructive, right?
But too many times, these avoidance tactics become engrained as the “normal” behavior and this often becomes problematic.
It is, in fact, one of THE most predominant forces behind all addictive behavior.
It’s sad (pun slightly intended) that so many people, in attempt to deal with their sadness (or any other undesired emotion), turn to something that temporarily anesthetizes them from their normal, natural and healthy emotions, and then turns into a patterns of destructive coping that can be deadly.
Wow! All because they didn’t want to feel some sadness!
So…can you be happy about feeling sad?
Well, that may be a bit over the top, but how about just being okay with sadness?
Don’t make it anymore than it is.
Think of sadness (and all less then desirable emotional states) as being like clouds in the sky and you’re going to just simply watch them and observe and not have any attachment to them.
Watch them float in and watch them float out.
When you can simply observe sadness, and all other emotions, without attaching any meaning, then you’ll find yourself with no reason to run from them.
You’ll also find yourself creating a new belief about emotions and this belief will be one that you’ve chosen, rather than one that’s been developed via history, conditioning and old programming.
Yes…you can now be happy about feeling sad! After all, it IS ONLY a feeling.
And Marry YourSelf First!
Coach Ken Donaldson: Why Are Emotions So Tough Or Are They
Filed under: adversity, anger, emotions, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, mental health
Sad, mad, scared, ashamed…who wants to be the first to talk about these feelings?
No hands went up and there were no volunteers…how come?
Is it because the idea of you actually controlling emotions seems too challenging?
Or perhaps you were brought up in an “emotionally detached” environment and emotional expression just feels too weird or uncomfortable.
But when the question is asked “how to control your emotions” every few people seem to have answers.
In fact, most people run when they hear questions about emotions or the mere conversation about emotions.
That is, of course, unless these same people are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, then for some strange reason they often get instantaneously comfortable, confident and courageous about expressing themselves and their emotions.
But that doesn’t really count, does it?
In fact, that may be one BIG reason why there is a huge drug and alcohol problem: People can only deal with their emotions while under the influence.
Sad, isn’t it?!!
Look at the following list of emotions and see what you feel when you read them:
- Joy
- Sadness
- Trust
- Disgust
- Fear
- Anger
- Surprise
- Anticipation
Which feel the most comfortable?
And which feel the least comfortable?
Any idea why?
Most people are more at ease with “joy” or it’s close relative “happiness” than most of the others…why?
Some people aren’t even comfortable with these lighter and happier emotions.
When asking “why” it seems to be so challenging to express emotions, here are some things to consider:
1.) We are not typically taught much of anything about emotions. We have no classes and very little, if any, curriculum in mainstream education about emotions and the expression thereof. Therefore, we are all, by default, rather emotionally dumb.
2.) Many people are brought up in environments which had excessive emotions in one direction or another and because of this, these people often associate emotions as being dangerous, inappropriate or as an “out of control” experience. Therefore, there is conditioned response, much like a reflex, to avoid the emotions.
3.) Much of what is portrayed about emotions through various media outlets (TV, movies, books, etc.) is extremely distorted…Do you really want to have “The Simpsons” as your emotional role model? This adds to both the conditioned emotional avoidance response and low emotional intelligence.
The end result is that most people have very little, if any, solid foundation to explore or express emotions.
You could say that we’ve become rather emotionally ignorant.
So here’s the next question: How can you create better emotional health, more emotional connection and healthy resources to better control your emotions?
Here’s the simple answer: Make all your emotions okay.
Easier said than done, right?
Start by making a new rule: All your emotions are okay…no good ones and no bad ones, they are just all okay.
After all, (now get ready to hear this!!) they are ONLY emotions.
That’s right…ONLY emotions.
They don’t really mean anything.
BUT, people often attach a HUGE meaning to them and that’s what makes them so challenging.
When you get to the place where you can simply observe emotions, whether they are yours or others, you’ll find that without the meaning attached (which is usually a negative distortion), the emotion itself has very little charge to it.
AND ponder this: If you could, by some kind of act of modern science, bring “Younger You” into the present, what would you say to Younger You about all those emotions?
Probably that all emotions are all okay, normal and healthy, and that emotional expression is especially okay…right?!!
Then perhaps you could practice just that: Imagine having one of these imaginary conversations with Younger You…a “corrective conversation” that would give Younger You permission to have and express any and all emotions.
And the value of this? Your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference (in most cases) between what’s real and what’s imagined. Therefore when you use your imagination to your benefit (like in this simple practice) you actually leave a new, and positive, impression in the subconscious.
It’s like planting new seeds in your garden and these are the seeds of how you want things to be.
Take good care of these new seeds (“water the seeds” frequently) by spending a couple minutes each day with these new imagery exercises.
You’ll begin to change your reactions from the inside-out.
Work with all types of emotions, include them all, and make sure you include the love emotions…many people received many mixed messages here.
Improve your emotional intelligence and you’ll find all areas of your life improving.
And Marry YourSelf First!
Marry YourSelf First! Audio
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Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
Men and Depression
Why The Hell Am I Feeling This Way? Men and Depression: For all Men and the Women who love them Click Here
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