Staying faithful a task for some: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com

Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp

My friends at Fox and I chatted a bit about Maria and Arnold a while back…but we really got into some deeper issues and dynamics…unfortunately we ran out of time.

Affairs, infidelity and betrayal are always big tough issues to work through.

Getting beyond betrayal, healing infidelity and moving past the hurt, pain and trauma of an affair is very challenging and can be overwhelming.

In other words, making a change of that magnitude is very difficult AND very uncommon.

The last question raised was on the show was: “Getting back to the whole trust thing; would somebody in that situation, let’s say Maria,  ever trust anybody to that same level?”

My response was that Maria could actually trust more.

What?!! How could that possibly be true?

For a moment, forget about this being specifically about Maria.

After all, she does deserve some privacy, right?

AND this is a much bigger issue with HUGE underlying dynamics.

As odd as it sounds, you would think somebody that’s been wounded at this level would never allow herself to be hurt again.

Which would be a great choice…but HOW she does it is really the key.

The big question is more about working through the “woundedness.”

Quick fix?

No…not at all. In fact, it will most likely take a lot of time, effort and energy. Most likely some intense therapy, a tremendous amount of honest self-reflection and some major reworking of the inner values and outer boundaries.

Change at this level requires a mammoth commitment.

And most people, unfortunately, will NOT put the necessary time and energy into the healing and growth process. Actually most people probably don’t even know that they can heal and grow past the pain.

Instead, they walk around hurt, wounded and unhealed and, as a result, make even poorer decisions in their future.

Do you think you can really make a good decision if your mind is clouded and influenced by the hurt, anger and resentment of past wounds?

The real question for anyone in this situation is: Do you WANT to heal, grow and expand?

Most everyone responds with a resounding “Yes!”

But why, then, do most people not follow through?

The same reason people overeat when they know it’s unhealthy, overspend when they know they don’t have the money and get into relationships they know are not good for them.

Why do people do all this!!?

Brain confusion…yes, their brain gets confused with too many different messages and usually does not pick the most logical (and usually healthiest) path.

Why does the brain get confused? Because you actually have three brains all trying to deliver varying messages to you.

Which message do most people listen to?

Usually the one with the biggest emotional charge.

Are emotions rational and logical (or healthy)?

NO!…Not usually.

The three brains:

• The Inner Brain: The most primitive and activates your fight or flight mechanism. Also, the basic survival drives for food, water and procreation. Basic emotions of fight or flight, freeze or hide and live or die.
• The Middle Brain: More advanced but still without reason… the basic “love and loyalty” drives originate here.
• The Outer Brain: The most advanced (only humans and apes have this) and where logic, conscious thinking and reasoning come from. Also, this where our “ethical thinking” comes from, meaning unique values, rules and guidelines for living.

SO…for example: The Inner Brain is obsessed with pure lust. The Middle Brain is driven by love and devotion. The Outer Brain is infatuated with an amazing romantic experience.

A pretty woman or handsome guy comes along and the Inner Brain screams out for sex, the Middle Brain falls in love and the Outer Brain tries to figure out how to make it all happen ethically.

See the conflicts? And ALL the different and even contradictory messages?

And too often the Inner Brain wins….the primal survival instincts.

Another example: You are offered the Super Duper Size order of French fries. Your Outer Brain says, “No, those are bad for you.” Your Middle Brain doesn’t really care one way or the other although it does recall a time when you shared French fries with a past romantic interest. And your Inner Brain screams, “Get all you can as this could be the last meal you ever have and more fat with help protect you!”

The Inner Brain often wins again.

See and hear the problem?

Add to that the many complexities of memory, conditioning and all the other known and unknown variables of the brain and you can quickly surmise why people have some of the issues that they do.

AND why people don’t change for their own good.

When you bring this all back to Maria (and all those others who have had similar experiences) you can see that she could work through all this and actually be even more conscious, more aware and more loving….AND even more trusting.

Will she? Who knows? That’s totally up to her.

And bringing it back to you: Is there anything you’re still reacting to from your past that is getting in the way of your future?

Perhaps now is the time to clear it.

Is it easy? No. It probably will require a great deal of effort, energy and commitment…and a lot of going out of your comfort zone…a whole lot!

Are you worth it?

Yes….

Time to ChangeUp…it works when you work it.

More from Ken Donaldson…

Today: Marry YourSelf First!

Dr. Tom Hanson recently released his latest book, Play Big.

If you don’t know Dr. Tom, he’s a Tampa-based sports psychologist whose niche is helping baseball players (professional and amateur) perform optimally.

More than anything else, he helps these athletes get the inside game won.

Play Big is a fictional story about a player struggling with hitting the ball (only known as “number 21”) who serendipitously meets this extremely shrewd sage who has no name but is very wise about knowing how to win the inside game of baseball (and life).

Think The Peaceful Warrior meets Field of Dreams.

On page 179 the sage introduces the “inner caveman” as the survival and safety mechanism everyone has in their brain.

When the inner caveman perceives a threat, whether it’s real or imagined, it sets off an alarm to be on guard.

When most people feel this alarm they perceive it as anxiety and usually tense up and back away from whatever the perceived threat is.

The problem with that response pattern, whether you’re playing baseball or just interacting with life, is when you tense up and/or back away, you never perform optimally.

This is an overreaction of the “fight or flight” mechanism of the brain, known more formally as the sympathetic nervous system.

When a baseball player steps up to the plate and is in a state of fight or flight, his muscles tighten up too much and he is not able to swing the bat with his natural and instinctual capabilities.

These natural capabilities are actually wired for high performance.

Yes the athlete (and everyone, including you) is wired to succeed and excel at a very high level.

More simply put, you are wired for greatness.

The ONLY thing that gets in the way is the overreactive fight or flight mechanism.

Yes…the mind simply malfunctions at times without you truly knowing why or how.

But what activates the fight or flight mechanism?

Fear.

Fear of failure and rejection to be exact.

Back to the caveman: He needed his tribe to survive, so any threat to being ostracized from the tribe would literally be life-threatening.

In spite of all the information and technological advances and discoveries made over time, the human brain is exactly the same as caveman days.

No…there is no human brain 2.0!

This means if your inner caveman perceives that a failure may lead to rejection, which may in turn lead to being ostracized, then the sympathetic nervous system is activated and you will not perform optimally if you happen to be playing baseball.

This same dynamic is also occurs in all areas of your life and as long as it reacts this way you will not perform optimally.

Not even close, in fact.

This is why the fear of failure and the fear of rejection are so prevalent (and so destructive).

Dr. Tom really didn’t write this book for the athlete; he wrote it for everyone, as everyone can benefit from this technology.

The next question: How does someone change this response pattern?

Simple…they think differently and create a different emotional response.

Here’s an example: Think about something you do every day without much attention. Something that is almost automatic. Maybe driving, or brushing your teeth or putting on your clothes.

Most people do these tasks, and most daily tasks, automatically and very confidently.

So confidently, in fact, that they don’t even think about it much or at all.

When you engage in one of these activities, you’re being unconsciously confident and competent.

Now imagine you’re able to recreate that same automatically confident energy in other tasks that maybe have been anxiety producing in the past.

What happens when you do?

You feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful.

And when you feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful, you automatically feel more confident and perform optimally.

You feel free. Welcome to your greatness!

So, when you visualize yourself doing anything, always see yourself doing it with great ease, calm and peace…breathe deeply and smile, as your body will automatically calm itself with breathing and smiling.

(Yes, stress, deep breathing and smiling cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Stress is overruled by a big smile and a deep breath, and then cast out.)

And remember to stop by and say thanks to Dr. Tom….sneaky guy he is trying to convince the world that this book is about baseball.

Play Big is about life and how to win in a way that will bring you the most happiness and freedom.

That is what you want, right?

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!

How do you manage yourself, your work-life balance, and at the same time, maintain physical and mental health, harmony in your family and an overall sense of happiness?

Life is challenging today and when additional pressures are added, without the proper resources, something can break down, resulting in decreased performance, poor health, unnecessary personal power struggles and an overall bad attitude.

The good news is that you can do something about all this.

It all starts with YOU managing YOU First!

Are YOU up for it?

Let’s look at some of the current research related to work-life balance (or the lack thereof) and career satisfaction:

1.   26% of U.S. adults report being on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown.

2.   40% of U.S. workers describe their office environment as “most like a real-life survivor program.”

3.   62% of U.S. workers routinely end the day with work-related neck pain, 44% report strained eyes, 38% complain of hand pain, and 34% report difficulty in sleeping due to work-related stress.

4.   26% of U.S. workers take no vacations at all.

5.   88% of U.S. employees say they have a hard time juggling work and life.

6.   70% of U.S. working fathers and working mothers report they don’t have enough time for their children.

7.   64% of Americans report that time pressures on working families are getting worse, not better.

8.   Americans work 137 more hours per year than Japanese workers, 260 more hours per year than British workers, and 499 more hours per year than French workers. The Japanese document approximately 10,000 cases per year of “death by overwork,” or karoosh. Considering the above stats, what must the undocumented U.S. numbers be??

9.   People in the U.S. work approximately 8 weeks longer per year than in 1969—in the space of a single generation—but for roughly the same income (after adjusting for inflation)

10. AND the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics tracks just about everything but worker satisfaction.

So…what does one make from all this?

Work-life balance? Where is it? It doesn’t seem to exist.

Let’s add in a few more “realities of life.”

• 50% of first marriages end in divorce. This goes up to 60% for second timers and 70% for third times.

Obviously changing partners is not the solution, but more importantly, take a look at what must be relational ignorance.

Relationship intelligence? Lacking, to say the least.

How, then, do we cope with all these work and relational challenges?

Not so well.

Here’s more:

• One in every five Americans suffers from a diagnosable mental condition and the majority of those people never receive treatment.

• Alcoholism and alcohol abuse are the third leading cause of the preventable deaths in the United States.

• From 1960 to 2006, the prevalence of obesity increased from 13.4% to 35.1% in U.S. adults age 20 to 74.

• 15 million people display some sign of gambling addiction.

• A VERY conservative estimate suggests that 3% – 5% of the U.S. population struggles with “sexual compulsion disorders.”

SO…what to do with all this?

Manage YOU First!

Yes, you must know how to manage you first.

What does this mean?

How about a new 13 Step Program?

1.)         Manage Your Personal Vision

2.)         Manage Your Life Purpose

3.)         Manage Your Unique Values

4.)         Manage Your Fear

5.)         Manage Your Past: Feel It, Heal It and Release It

6.)         Manage Your Emotions

7.)         Manage Your Thoughts

8.)         Manage Your Belief System

9.)         Manage Your Actions (and Reactions)

10.)      Manage Your Relationships

11.)      Manage Your Career

12.)      Manage Your Free Time

13.)      Manage Your Health

There…start with that.

Effectively manage these 13 steps and you’ll avoid being one of the above statistics.

Manage You First and you’ll win every time…you’ll win with your health, your career, your relationships, your happiness and, of course, your life.

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!

Here’s a story about the dangers of hoarding, but probably not what you’re thinking.

Let me explain…

First let’s get a definition clarified.

Hoard: To collect and store, often secretly and usually unnecessarily, large amounts of things, such as food or money, for future use.

So there I was in downtown St. Petersburg on a beautiful Sunday morning having a nice time with a friend of mine.

However, there are these things called parking meters that require a certain amount of feeding every so often and the one where I parked was getting hungry and was going to run out of time soon.

(Silly me; I didn’t pre-plan to bring quarters…I wonder how many other people have had the same experience on a relaxing Sunday – “I don’t have to think about anything”- morning??)

So I simply asked the waitress if she might have some change I could exchange with her for some dollar bills.

“No…I don’t.”

Okay, so then I got very tactical and asked, “What about the cash register, could you maybe get some change from it?”

“No…we don’t have any extra change.”

Okay, so you’re probably getting a sense of what I might be thinking and feeling at this point, right?!!

How could a business open on a Sunday morning NOT have change?

There could only be one answer: They were hoarding!

(Well, at least that’s the one answer I came up with.)

So during the course of our stay there, our waitress came to our table several times asking if there was anything else we needed.

Half kiddingly (and half very seriously), I responded the same every time, “Do you have any change yet?”

I will say that she was consistent (I think maybe that means she had good boundaries, right?) with her responses, “No,” every time.

So finally I decided that I would need to go to some other places to find some change, but I figured I might have a chance to “pull a quick one” when I paid for the bill.

I walked up to the bar and placed a $20 bill on top of the bill and asked (again) really nicely, “Might you have some extra change?”

Our waitress asked the apparent manager (and now the seeming quarter hoarder) if she could use some of their quarters for my change.

The manager, somewhat begrudgingly, said yes.

So I guess you could say my persistence paid off.

But I believe there are a couple bigger lessons here.

Lesson #1 is about planning.

Any business in downtown St. Petersburg open on Sunday morning should know that there are parking meters and there are bound to be people like myself that are in a very relaxed Sunday mode and may not even think to bring change.

I believe that would be categorized as “good proactive customer service.”

Lesson #2 is something that can be paralyzing if not consciously seen and addressed. 

It’s what I call “The Scarcity Myth.”

It’s the fear of not having enough.

In this rather benign situation, it was the fear of not having enough change to make it through the day.

(Of course, this is only an assumption on my behalf.)

But let’s look at this a bit deeper:

• Many people fear that there’s not enough love, so they often settle for a relationship beneath their standards and end up creating unnecessary pain and heartache, which could have been easily avoided if they had not let the scarcity fear rule.
• Many people fear that there is not enough time, so they spend their time in a chaotic fervor trying to “do” as much as they can oftentimes much to expense of their health and relationships, both of which could easily be enhanced if they simply prioritized their life and lived according to their priorities (and values).
• Many people fear that there are not enough opportunities in life so they settle for a job or a career path that slowly drains their passion, energy and optimism for life, and slowly and unconsciously turns them into a rigid, pessimistic and sarcastic cynic.

Yep, the scarcity fear does all that and probably much, much more.

So what’s the moral of the story?

Don’t be a quarter hoarder…be a quarter supporter!

Meaning that it’s always good to plan ahead (lesson #1) and when the opportunity comes, give as freely as you can (lesson #2).

When you hold on to something out of fear, you block energy from flowing to you and you can easily create a self-fulfilling prophecy in which what you fear can become that much truer.

However, when you put trust in the Universe (by the way, the Universe is endless as far as we can tell at this point…slightly “abundant” I would have to conclude) you allow the Universal energy to flow to you.

I know…it takes faith and trust, both of which may be big steps at times.

But what’s the option? Being a quarter hoarder?

Naw!!…be a quarter supporter…start today!

“There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there’s only scarcity of resolve to make it happen.” ~Wayne Dyer

P.S. After proof-reading this, my assistant just reminded me of lesson #3…Always carry extra quarters in your car.

Yeah, I guess I could have planned ahead too, right?!!

Read more from Ken Donaldson

Today is a great day to Marry YourSelf First!

A REAL fire.

Evidently some trees rubbed my power line to the point of creating an open line and all the lights started to flash in my house, the backup battery systems started to beep and finally there was a puff of smoke followed by sparks and then an outlet burst into flames.

Wow…all before 9 a.m.!

I was fortunate to be here at home and not at my office, otherwise, I may not be writing this today as I’m sure there would have been a significant fire.

Yes, I am VERY grateful.

But I noticed something as all this was going on.

I noticed how calm I was.

I’m not meaning to brag, but I have to say that I impressed myself.

I guess all those years of deep breathing, meditation, positive thinking, mental reframing and self-hypnosis paid off.

I think I’ll keep practicing what I’ve been doing…it seems to be working.

All of which brings me to a question: How are you at “putting out fires?”

This term of speech, “putting out fires”, typically means responding to crisis, conflict, unexpected surprises or, as some call it, the “do-do” of life.

How are you at all of that?

I’ve noticed that there are four basic types of responses:

Freeze: These are the people who are the proverbial “deer in the headlights” reactors. They get immediately overwhelmed and their emotions override their intellect and wisdom. They don’t take action. They don’t do anything. They freeze.

Fight: Some people are so reactive that when anything is the least bit upsetting their emotions go into full tilt overdrive. They get angry, frustrated, irritated or just go into a rage. Their action is irrational and often inappropriate. They instantly burn the bridges between themselves and others. These are the “reactors” of life.

Flight: They run. They run more. They keep running. Sometimes they forget what they’re running from. Their emotional response is such that they instantly see things as “life threatening” and obviously overreact by running. These are the conflict avoiders of life.

Fix: These people stop, pause, think, analyze and then go into action. Although their emotions are present, they are able to keep their emotions in check. Their intellect and wisdom override their emotions. They go into rational action and stay focused until they have completed the task to the best of their ability.

Which are you?

I can honestly tell you that I have been all four at one time or another in my life.

Today, fortunately, I do my best to stay in the latter category. I stop, pause, think and respond.

It’s very easy to allow one’s emotions to make their decisions. Emotions are very powerful and very helpful in many ways, but NOT to make decisions with…especially the super important decisions.

In my case, I had an impulse to throw water on the fire, since I know that water puts out fire. However, if you throw water on electrical fires, you can create many more problems.

I wonder how many people in life react and “throw water on an electrical fire.”

I have learned over the years that when I practice meditation and Qigong breathing, I seem to have better control over emotional situations. I can’t tell that I really know how that all works, all I know is that it works for me.

I also have a very empowering mantra:

Every moment of every day, I get better and better in every way.
Every moment of every day, I get richer and richer in every way.
Every moment of every day, I get stronger and stronger in every way.
Every moment of every day, I get wiser and wiser in every way.

I think there’s a part of me that actually has begun to fully believe that message.

It’s only taken 53 years….and I know it’ll get better and better every day…in every way!

As somewhat of an aside, I was also quite surprised with the power company’s seemingly lack of concern that my house could have burned down. I found it alarming that the customer service representative wanted to tell me all about their policies and procedures. She also said she would get back to me regarding having the trees trimmed.

It’s been three days now. I have a feeling I won’t hear back.

No worries, I’ll write a nice letter to the CEO. Don’t really like to do that, but have found that that is sometimes the only path to any resolution.

I bring this issue up for only one reason: Integrity.

How is your integrity? Are you living at your highest standards? Are you “your living word”? Are you “being whole” with yourself?

So, a few things for you to ponder: Fires, emotions, meditation, integrity.

I think it’s called “Life”, or as one of my older and wiser clients says, “It all comes with the birth certificate.”

Feel free to leave a comment below.

And today is a good day to Marry YourSelf First!

(This is written for men, but ladies, feel free to read it as well.)

I see men every week in my practice who struggle with anxiety. And I know there are millions who are also suffering unnecessarily because they don’t understand what’s going on with them or are too resistant to seek out help. I too have struggled with this dreaded and unpredictable angst and I know the effects first hand both on me as a person, and as a man.

For too long we have wrestled with the stigmas of mental health issues and all the varied diagnosis. Many of us have taken on beliefs that “we’re showing our weakness if we have to ask for help.”

Nothing could be further from the truth.

It takes courage and strength to ask for help and commit to overcome anxiety. And for what it’s worth, there are, and have been, many other men who’ve wrestled with the same demons of anxiety. And many who have overcome.

Here’s a few you’ve probably heard of:

1. Abraham Lincoln – President
2. Al Kasha – Songwriter
3. Alfred Lord Tennyson – Poet
4. Anthony Hopkins – Actor
5. Burt Reynolds – Actor
6. Charles Schultz – Cartoonist
7. Dave Stewart – Singer of Eurythmics
8. David Bowie – Singer
9. Dean Cain – Actor
10. Dick Clark – Television Personality
11. Donny Osmond – Singer/Actor
12. Earl Campbell -Heisman  Trophy Winner
13. Edvard Munch – Artist
14. Eric Clapton – Musician
15. Howard Stern – “King of Media”
16. Howie Mandel – Comic
17. Isaac Asimov – Author
18. James Garner – Actor
19. Jim Eisenreich – Baseball
20. John Candy – Comedian
21. John Cougar Mellencamp – Musician/Actor
22. John Madden – Sports Announcer
23. John Steinbeck – Author
24. John Stuart Mill – Philosopher
25. Johnny Depp – Actor
26. Michael Crichton – Writer
27. Michael English – Gospel Artist
28. Michael Jackson-  Singer
29. Nicholas Cage-  Actor
30. Nikola Tesla – Inventor
31. Pete Harnisch – Baseball
32. Ray Charles – Musician
33. Robert Burns – Poet
34. Robert McFarlane – Former U.S. National Security Advisor
35. Sam Shepard – Playwright
36. Sigmund Freud – Psychiatrist
37. Sir Isaac Newton – Scientist
38. Sir Laurence Olivier – Actor
39. Tom Snyder – Host
40. Tony Dow – Actor, Director
41. W.B. Yeats – Poet
42. Willard Scott – Weatherman

The REALLY good news is that there is effective treatment for anxiety and quite frankly, it’s one of the simplest issues to address and correct.

But here are some rather alarming statistics about anxiety:

• Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older (18.1% of U.S. population).

• Anxiety disorders cost the U.S. more than $42 billion a year, almost one-third of the country’s $148 billion total mental health bill.

• More than $22.84 billion of those costs are associated with the repeated use of health care services; people with anxiety disorders seek relief for symptoms that mimic physical illnesses.

• People with an anxiety disorder are three to five times more likely to go to the doctor and six times more likely to be hospitalized for psychiatric disorders than those who do not suffer from anxiety disorders.

(~The Anxiety Disorders Association of America)

Whether you’re male or female, you don’t have to suffer.

But guys, let go of the machismo and ask for help. You’ll be happier than ever that you did.

And you’ll join the long list of other men who have done the same.

Call me…let’s get started today..(727) 394-7325

Marry YourSelf First!…Today and every day!

“Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished.  If you’re alive, it isn’t.”

Every day I hear people asking me this question, “Why am I so messed up?”

They don’t always say just exactly those words, although sometimes they do, but they say something similar and definitely with the same meaning.

So, why are WE so messed up?

The good news is that it all comes down to two things:

1.)   We don’t know what to do.

2.)   We just don’t do what we know to do.

Nice to know it’s that simple, right?!!

Let’s look at the first, the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.

Why would you know what to do?…who taught you?…where did you learn from?

See, most people have extreme emotional and relational deficits. Unless you went to some very, very non-mainstream school, you never had classes that taught you any of this. And because very few people really learned the art of handling emotions and relationships effectively, then it only makes sense that they would pass their deficits on to their children.

So it’s easy to see and understand the “We don’t know what to do” syndrome.

Which brings us to number two: We just don’t do what we know to do.

This is the real kicker and here’s why: There are so many resources today to help people improve their lives. And much of it is absolutely free. Go to YouTube and you will find hours and hours of free, good coaching and education on emotional and relationship management. All free!

Do a Google search and you’ll find websites, blogs and forums that you can participate in and have ongoing conversations to seek out answers to all your challenges.

And if you’re willing to invest a few bucks in yourself, you can invest in books or audio and video programs that will bring the experts right into your home or office.

And if you want to go full out, then you can actually hire a professional coach or counselor to give you the 1:1 guidance you want to improve your life and relationships.

But everyone probably knows all this and they still just don’t do what they know to do.

Why?

It can only be one of a very few things:

1.)   Denial: “I don’t have any issues…really.”

2.)   Minimization: “It’s not that big of a deal.” (Which is a form of denial.)

3.)   Cynicism and blame: “Sure, I’ll change when she changes.”

4.)   Stupidity: “Duh.” (This doesn’t actually exist; some people just pretend that it does.)

So the REAL question is this: How badly do you want to improve your life?

Or maybe this one: How much pain, heartache, misery or depression do you want to endure in your life?

Yes, challenges are definitely part of life, but pain, heartache, misery and depression are all optional.

But it all comes back to you.

YOU have to choose to want a better life.

YOU have to choose to want better relationships.

YOU have to choose to want a better career path.

YOU have to choose to want better health.

YOU have to choose to want a better spiritual connection.

YOU have to choose to want better friends.

YOU have to choose to want a better you.

The really good news is that YOU are in total control of all that.

The next question is: When will you start?

If you want to be a victor, you must release being a victim!

“I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.”  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Marry YourSelf First!…Today!

Is Your Relationship Living or Dying?

This is a classic question being asked by many wives today. The first thing to do is the obvious: Ask him! And in asking him, have you clarified to him how important it is to you and to the kids?

Here are a few things to be aware of when asking:

• Be aware of “how” you’re asking.
• Are you nagging, whining or complaining? Ask in a positive tone.
• When are you asking? Pick a time when he’s available and not preoccupied.

All of which brings up the next question: Have you and your husband been practicing good communication or have you done what many couples do and just gone on autopilot?

Autopilot is a common relationship dynamic that silently says, “Let’s keep it comfortable, predictable and familiar.” Unfortunately, comfortable, predictable and familiar do not allow for  growth and if there’s no growth, the relationship can and will become very stagnant very fast. Sometimes what a relationship needs more than anything else is a shakeup. Something out of the ordinary, like a new way of interacting. Too many couples have become passive and they’ve stopped asking for what they truly want and need, and they’ve stopped making their requests.

In other words, they’ve begun to settle. And here’s a fact about settling: When you settle for less you always get less…never more! For example, couples often settle for setting fewer boundaries, which means they stop making the requests to fulfill their wants and needs, and they stop informing their partner about unacceptable behavior.

And what then happens is as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, there’s a growing separation and distance between the two. And then the wife’s simple issue of “I’d like you to spend more time with the kids,” turns into a resentment filled and fueled power-struggle.

This may sound like an evasion of the original question, but there are bigger issues and dynamics here. These issues don’t grow overnight; they usually have been festering for months, years and at times, even decades.

So the key is really about having healthy assertive communication. One of the greatest gifts one partner can give to another in a relationship is healthy communication. This is particularly relevant when it comes to conflict resolution. Oftentimes conflict resolution simply means to ask the more difficult and sometimes emotionally charged questions.

This issue of the husband spending more time with the family may be one of those situations where there may be a tendency to skate around the issue because it might feel uncomfortable. Like, “I don’t feel like asking him because he might get irritated,” or “I might sound like I’m nagging.”

However, the goal here is simple: Ask and make the request anyway. You must often just take the action that’s uncomfortable or awkward. And yes, it may even stir the pot and create a little conflict, but if you don’t confront and deal with conflict, the relationship will, by default, go on autopilot, and relationships die in autopilot mode!

Die?!! Yes…here’s why: Everything in life is either living or dying. Which means your life is either growing and expanding or shriveling and dying.

And if you’re not addressing issues straight-up and confronting dynamics that are unacceptable, then the relationship is starting to die.

So, how can you get your husband to spend more time with the family? It starts with you communicating effectively and assertively. If you’re not there or can’t seem to get there, or if there has been a continual cycle of breakdowns after you’ve tried over and over again, then it’s time to hire a professional.

It’s amazing what a couple of counseling sessions with a good relationship counselor can do! Have a few sessions with someone who can actively teach you how to effectively communicate with each other.

Do all this and the question of “How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?” answers itself.

Leave a comment below…

Marry YourSelf First! for the Best Relationships

Want more passion, power, purpose and peace in your life?

Then make yourself a Vision Map…better, yet, join me for the next Vision Map workshop…scroll down for more information.

1.)  Your Vision Map will better define your life purpose.

2.)  Your Vision Map will keep you better aligned with your values.

3.)  Your Vision Map will reinforce your boundaries.

4.)  Your Vision Map will guide you to happier and healthier relationships.

5.)  Your Vision Map will give your career a boost…and maybe the change it’s needed.

6.)  Your Vision Map will add more balance to your life.

7.)  Your Vision Map will help you stay more focused on your goals.

8.)  Your Vision Map will help to make your priorities more clear.

9.)  Your Vision Map will get you better tuned in to your spirituality.

10.)  Your Vision Map will empower you.

11.)  Your Vision Map will help you pick better friends.

12.)  Your Vision Map will enhance your health.

13.)  Your Vision Map will get you more connected with your creativity.

14.)  Your Vision Map will help you get more fun in your life.

15.)  Your Vision Map is a great stress management tool.

16.)  Your Vision Map will remind you of your greatness.

17.)  Your Vision Map will give you a daily affirmation.

18.)  Your Vision Map will help you stay focused on your future (instead of your past).

19.)  Your Vision Map will help you embrace positive changes in your life.

20.)  Your Vision Map will give you the vision you need to get to where you truly deserve – and desire – to be in life.

 Click here for the official page of the next 201o Vision Map workshop at Yoga Village in Clearwater.

 And Marry YourSelf First!

Ken Donaldson Keynote at D.W. Waters Graduation

I had the privilege and honor on this past Thursday evening of delivering the graduation keynote for the D.W. Waters class of 2010.

Just to give you a little insight, D.W. Waters’ motto is “It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish that counts!”

No big deal, right?

Wrong!

This is a WAY special class…check out their enrollment criteria:
 • At least 16 years of age
 • At least one year behind in school                                                     
 • No record of severe discipline problems
 • Wants to focus on a chosen Career Cluster at DWWCC (D. W. Waters Career Center)
 • Willing to commit to workplace training (OJT)

These are the students who make “high risk” look like every day living. For whatever reason (pregnancy, emotional and/or learning challenges, abuse, etc.), these courageous young people chose to continue on.

Most of them were so far behind that they couldn’t even imagine catching up, much less graduating.

And it would have been easier to quit!

A group of about 12 students sang the musical selection for the ceremony, I Believe I Can Fly. A perfect song for the students, the school and the event.

Here are the lyrics in case you’re not familiar with song:

“I Believe I Can Fly”
~R. KELLY

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I’m leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

Hey, cause I believe in me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly
I can fly
I can fly, hey
If I just spread my wings
I can fly
Fly-eye-eye

Anyway, I thought long and hard about what to say to them.

So I decided to dare them…yes, I simply dared them…

I dared them to find and be the greatness that they truly are.

I dared them to find their unique purpose and live it every day in every way.

I dared them to find their own personal soul food and to continually, without fail, feed their spirit.

I dare them to figure out, set and maintain the boundaries that will empower them, to say a resounding “Yes” to all they do want, need and desire, and say a resonant “No” to all they will not tolerate.

I dared them to realize that the world needs them today more than ever, and the answers to the world’s problems will not come from Washington or Hollywood, but rather, from each and every one of them.

I dared them to surround themselves with the people who love them, accept them and encourage them, and to step away from those who don’t.

I dared them to tell themselves, time and time again, that they are deserving, gifted and of great value, and to say that to themselves as their powerful and affirming mantra.

I dared them to realize that life is full of unexpected challenges (I mentioned this as a very young child in the audience began to express herself in a very assertive way!) and one of the greatest gifts we can all give to ourselves is the gift of humor, which allows us to be flexible and fluid as we navigate down the river of life.

I dared them to remind that person in the mirror of their greatness, their importance, their value and their purpose, time and time and time again.

Yes, I simply dared them to be great.

Them, their parents, their friends, the teachers, and everyone else who was there on Thursday…I dared them all.

But the greatest dare I addressed was the dare to myself…to live what I said; to practice what I preached; to be the model of the dare.

What about you…have you dared yourself lately?

I dare you…

PS I hope to have a video of the whole presentation soon…I think it’ll worth watching…stay tuned!

Ken at D.W. Waters with another Marry YourSelf First fan!

 Marry YourSelf First!

Feel free to leave a comment or two…