Those Cheating Hearts and Why They – And Their Partners – Don’t Change
I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.
Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.
Why do people cheat?
Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.
All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.
But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…
You get the picture, right?
The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.
But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?
Wow! These numbers are not so common.
And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”
Sorry to be the bearer of the news.
The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.
This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.
So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?
Answer: It’s “easier” not to.
The problem is that “easier” is often not better.
But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.
We are a “change ignorant” people.
(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)
Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.
But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.
Sound contradictory?
Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”
And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.
The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.
Just four simple points:
1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.
2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.
3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.
4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.
Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.
But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?
AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.
Start today: Marry YourSelf First!
Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp
Staying faithful a task for some: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com
Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp
My friends at Fox and I chatted a bit about Maria and Arnold a while back…but we really got into some deeper issues and dynamics…unfortunately we ran out of time.
Affairs, infidelity and betrayal are always big tough issues to work through.
Getting beyond betrayal, healing infidelity and moving past the hurt, pain and trauma of an affair is very challenging and can be overwhelming.
In other words, making a change of that magnitude is very difficult AND very uncommon.
The last question raised was on the show was: “Getting back to the whole trust thing; would somebody in that situation, let’s say Maria, ever trust anybody to that same level?”
My response was that Maria could actually trust more.
What?!! How could that possibly be true?
For a moment, forget about this being specifically about Maria.
After all, she does deserve some privacy, right?
AND this is a much bigger issue with HUGE underlying dynamics.
As odd as it sounds, you would think somebody that’s been wounded at this level would never allow herself to be hurt again.
Which would be a great choice…but HOW she does it is really the key.
The big question is more about working through the “woundedness.”
Quick fix?
No…not at all. In fact, it will most likely take a lot of time, effort and energy. Most likely some intense therapy, a tremendous amount of honest self-reflection and some major reworking of the inner values and outer boundaries.
Change at this level requires a mammoth commitment.
And most people, unfortunately, will NOT put the necessary time and energy into the healing and growth process. Actually most people probably don’t even know that they can heal and grow past the pain.
Instead, they walk around hurt, wounded and unhealed and, as a result, make even poorer decisions in their future.
Do you think you can really make a good decision if your mind is clouded and influenced by the hurt, anger and resentment of past wounds?
The real question for anyone in this situation is: Do you WANT to heal, grow and expand?
Most everyone responds with a resounding “Yes!”
But why, then, do most people not follow through?
The same reason people overeat when they know it’s unhealthy, overspend when they know they don’t have the money and get into relationships they know are not good for them.
Why do people do all this!!?
Brain confusion…yes, their brain gets confused with too many different messages and usually does not pick the most logical (and usually healthiest) path.
Why does the brain get confused? Because you actually have three brains all trying to deliver varying messages to you.
Which message do most people listen to?
Usually the one with the biggest emotional charge.
Are emotions rational and logical (or healthy)?
NO!…Not usually.
The three brains:
- The Inner Brain: The most primitive and activates your fight or flight mechanism. Also, the basic survival drives for food, water and procreation. Basic emotions of fight or flight, freeze or hide and live or die.
- The Middle Brain: More advanced but still without reason… the basic “love and loyalty” drives originate here.
- The Outer Brain: The most advanced (only humans and apes have this) and where logic, conscious thinking and reasoning come from. Also, this where our “ethical thinking” comes from, meaning unique values, rules and guidelines for living.
SO…for example: The Inner Brain is obsessed with pure lust. The Middle Brain is driven by love and devotion. The Outer Brain is infatuated with an amazing romantic experience.
A pretty woman or handsome guy comes along and the Inner Brain screams out for sex, the Middle Brain falls in love and the Outer Brain tries to figure out how to make it all happen ethically.
See the conflicts? And ALL the different and even contradictory messages?
And too often the Inner Brain wins….the primal survival instincts.
Another example: You are offered the Super Duper Size order of French fries. Your Outer Brain says, “No, those are bad for you.” Your Middle Brain doesn’t really care one way or the other although it does recall a time when you shared French fries with a past romantic interest. And your Inner Brain screams, “Get all you can as this could be the last meal you ever have and more fat with help protect you!”
The Inner Brain often wins again.
See and hear the problem?
Add to that the many complexities of memory, conditioning and all the other known and unknown variables of the brain and you can quickly surmise why people have some of the issues that they do.
AND why people don’t change for their own good.
When you bring this all back to Maria (and all those others who have had similar experiences) you can see that she could work through all this and actually be even more conscious, more aware and more loving….AND even more trusting.
Will she? Who knows? That’s totally up to her.
And bringing it back to you: Is there anything you’re still reacting to from your past that is getting in the way of your future?
Perhaps now is the time to clear it.
Is it easy? No. It probably will require a great deal of effort, energy and commitment…and a lot of going out of your comfort zone…a whole lot!
Are you worth it?
Yes….
Time to ChangeUp…it works when you work it.
Today: Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson And The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships
The A-Z of Happy, Healthy and Harmonious Relationships (Assertiveness to Zealousness and Everything In-Between):
• Assertiveness: You must ask for what you want…directly.
• Boundaries: Know what to say yes to and what to say no to.
• Communication: The cornerstone of all healthy relationships.
• Deal Makers/ Deal Breakers: The absolutes and unbendable.
• Emotional Management: Manage your own inside game.
• Focus-Fear-Faith: Whatever you focus on is where you’ll go.
• God: Practice your spirituality; whatever it is.
• Humor: MUST have this for flexibility in the relationship…and life!
• Integrity: Operating from your wholeness.
• Jealousy: Just say “NO!” to jealousy.
• Ken on Call: Have a coach or counselor you can go to help if/when you need to.
• Logs on the Fire: Keep the fire of passion going.
• Most Important: Operate from your values…always!
• NO Blame, Shame or Games: Stay away as these are the three destroyers of all relationships.
• Openness: Stay open, be honest and lead with willingness.
• Purpose: Live according to your purpose…put purpose in your relationship…make it big and exciting!
• Questions: Make inquiries and be curious….stay away from accusations.
• Rituals: Create positive rituals to create ongoing positive energy.
• Support Networks: Always have people you can turn to for help.
• Tongue-Foo Bull-Fighting: Know how to step out of the way, when to listen and when to walk away.
• Understanding: Always seek to understand and build a bridge.
• Validation: Seek to find and validate each other’s emotions.
• Work-Life Balance: Leave work at work…make time to relax and recharge.
• X (Ex) Relationship Baggage: Leave the past in the past.
• Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow: Live in today…period!
• Zealousness: Always find the zeal in the life and bring it into the relationship.
Click here to get the FREE couples guide: Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!
And Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson: Get Smarter and Raise Your Relational Intelligence
You’ve seen the obvious trends: Increased numbers of divorces, more frequent domestic violence and an overall decrease in relationship intelligence.
We’re becoming relationship dummies.
It’s time to get smart and raise your Relational Intelligence (RQ)!
But how do you raise your RQ?
Let’s start by understanding three components of a highly intelligent relationship culture and what it takes to make healthy relationships:
First, let’s all learn how to effectively deal with conflict and differences.
Second, let’s practice commitment and apply commitment actions to make relationships last.
Third, let’s all be good relationship role models for our children and for future generations.
When we do that, we begin to break the dysfunctional cycle of divorce and domestic violence!
Additionally, it’s wise to know the healthy stages of the relationship continuum. Yes, relationships grow and develop through stages and if you don’t know the stages, then you’re bound to get lost and create relationship havoc for yourself and others.
It’s also worthwhile to know what the most common divorce predictors and indicators of relationship failure are. Always good to know what the early warning signs are!
Perhaps the biggest piece of relationship intelligence is knowing how to effectively communicate, especially with emotionally charged issues.
This is commonly referred to as the “intentional dialogue” and it has very specific techniques that help the people in the conversation stay in the conversation and manage the emotional state of the conversation.
As odd as it may sound, it’s also wise to create a proactive “Relationship Success Plan.” Actually, this only sounds odd because most people don’t do it. Always best to do this before you’re in a relationship, but is equally as valuable to create once you are in a relationship.
When you apply new methods of creating positive rituals in relationships, you also increase your RQ.
And when you understand how to increase positive energy in your relationships, your RQ is raised as well.
It’s time for us to realize that relationship education is no longer an option…it’s mandatory. Reading, writing and arithmetic are not going to prevent divorce, domestic violence or depression. We need life skills training that targets confidence building, self esteem enhancement and basic conflict resolution skills. This is the start to creating healthier individuals who can then create healthier relationships.
It’s time to create relationship education that will change our relationship priorities…that will make us relationally smarter….and raise our RQ!
I invite you to do something to help break these patterns and create a happy, healthy and more harmonious legacy for our future generations.
Go ahead…I dare you!
And Marry YourSelf First!
Marry YourSelf First! Audio
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