What Are Couples Doing Less In The Bedroom?
Filed under: Ken Donaldson's Blog, assertive, boundaries, communication, differences, divorce, love, marriage, marry yourself first
Intrigued?
The answer may NOT be what you were thinking!
Did you know that couples sleeping separately has become a new trend?
My friends at Fox 13 Good Day Tampa Bay asked me what my thoughts were about this trend and the impact on relationship harmony.
Watch and listen, and then leave your comments below!
Is the marital bed headed toward extinction?
New studies show that one in four American couples are saying good-night and then going their separate ways into separate beds. The National Association of Home Builders expects 60 percent of custom-built homes will be designed to have two master bedrooms by 2015!
So…why couples are sleeping apart? What are your thoguhts?
And Marry YourSelf First!
Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson and Your Toughest Relationship Issues
Filed under: Ken Donaldson's Blog, boundaries, communication, dating, divorce, love, marriage, marry yourself first, relationship, singles
Got a question you’d like to ask me live?
You’ll have your chance this Wednesday (7/28) as I’ll be the guest on “The Ask Vera Show”
The Ask Vera Show is every 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month. It’s a 30 minute free show focused on answering the toughest questions on relationship issues.
Vera will be grilling me with her most challenging relationship questions and you’re invited to do the same!
Come join us and tell your friends.
Call in number: 1 808 206-9730
Conference ID: 208018#
I hope to “see” you and your friends then and there!
Click here for all the details
Marry YourSelf First!
Marital Affair, Marriage Infidelity and Betrayal: How to Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage or Relationship
Filed under: Ken Donaldson's Blog, Marital Affair, Rebuild Trust, adversity, anger, assertive, boundaries, communication, depression, divorce, heartbreak, love, marriage, marry yourself first, relationship, therapy
How do I rebuild trust after betrayal?
Can I recover from a marital affair?
How do I deal with marriage infidelity?
What do I do after infidelity?
Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?
Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.
But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?
Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.
However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.
Answer: ???????
Not such a good answer, right?
There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.
So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.
The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.
If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.
If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.
One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?
Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.
The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.
Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.
The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.
Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!
If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.
In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.
So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!
And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.
Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.
These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.
On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?
The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!
True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”
You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.
Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.
Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.
Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.
How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?
Can you recover from a marital affair?
How do you deal with marriage infidelity?
What do you do after infidelity?
Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?
Yes…no…maybe.
But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.
Please leave your comments below…
Marry YourSelf First Every Day!
Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson Answers Why men do not talk
Filed under: Ken Donaldson's Blog, adversity, assertive, communication, differences, love, marriage, marry yourself first, men, relationship
“Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” ~Steve Martin
“Why won’t he talk to me?”
Okay guys, you’re about to get slammed…don’t say you weren’t warned!
Guys have been getting a bad rap about their lack of openness in relationships for a long time. Maybe even since the beginning of time! And unfortunately, guys, there is quite a bit of truth and validity to all this.
And sure, you could blame your dad because he wasn’t a good role model, or you could even say you were a victim of the times. After all, big boys don’t laugh, cry, smile or get angry, right?!!
But let’s look at this without getting into the blame game or any kind of victim mentality…okay?
First look at why you might want to be more open. Here’s one huge reason: Because it makes her happy! So how about letting go of, “It doesn’t make any sense to me…” at least for now.
Think of this as a gift…More beautiful than a dozen fresh roses…Sweeter than the richest chocolate…Beyond the most sentimental card.
Not just any gift; it’s the gift of all gifts!
She wants to hear what’s going on in your world. She wants to hear your feelings and your thoughts and your fears and your dreams.
She wants to hear it all.
And then she wants you do to the same. It’s not hard. In fact, it’s actually quite simple. It’s called “Listening 101.”
It’s called the “Listening Thee Step” and it goes like this:
Step One: You give her your undivided attention. No TV. No cell phone. No computer. No nothing. Just you, listening fully to her and completely.
Easy…right?!!
Step Two (which goes along with Step One): No judgment or criticism about what she says. Just listen. Be interested in what’s going on in her world. If you don’t understand something, then ask for more information.
Wow…simple and easy!
Oh, almost forgot…
Step Three: Don’t try to fix her…she’s not broken. Maybe a bit emotional. Maybe a bit upset. Maybe a little scared or worried. Maybe even a little angry. But not broke.
That’s it. Do this daily and you’ll be on your way to creating the most fabulous relationship you could ever imagine.
But let’s get back to where we started. Yes, let’s get back to talking about you talking…talking more.
The essence of a relationship is the connection between two people. What does essence mean? This is the soul or the spirit of the relationship. It’s the core or the foundation. It’s the heart of the relationship.
And if the heart stops beating, or if it’s not taken care of properly, then the heart begins to whither and die.
And so does the relationship.
First there’s fighting and bickering, followed by power-struggles and resentment, and then the distance and avoidance happens, and then, as the relationship begins to gasp for fresh air, it dies a slow death.
Nasty sounding isn’t it!??
And it all can be saved, guys, if you’ll just open up more.
Here’s an easy way to make this a part of your regular routine: Every day pick a time to check in with her. Make it a time when she’s available and you’re available. Just ask how her day was. Then share with her what your day was like.
Yes…it’s that simple!
But there is another side to this, since the question was originally posed from the woman’s perspective.
Women, hear this: You cannot “make him” open up.
In fact, nobody can make anybody open up.
You are the only one who can do anything differently. And although you may not want to admit that, that is the way it is.
It’s always easier to try to get the other person (“him” in this case) to do something differently. And that’s probably because our eyes look outward and they don’t look inward.
It sometimes is very uncomfortable to look inward and ask yourself the really tough questions. Even if “he” is stubborn beyond belief, it’s still up to you to ask yourself what you can do differently in your interactions with him.
People (men, in this case) sometimes feel like they’re being attacked, when they are not. In this case, a different approach would be advised.
If someone responds in a defensive manner, don’t ignore it and don’t fight it, but be curious about it. Inquire about it. See what you can find out about this. And do this all with great compassion.
Here’s the bottom-line: When you change your tactics and you approach someone in a different way, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. There’s a possibility that “he” may respond differently.
So, “Why won’t he talk to me?” Start by having a different conversation. Both of you (guys…ladies!)! Use some new tactics. What have you got to lose? And, by the way, don’t get into analyzing the “why” question. That’s a waste of time. Better to ask yourself, “How?” How can you communicate differently? How can you respond differently? How can you be proactive differently?
Click here to get the free couples guide Keeping the Affection Connection in the Perfect Direction! 40 Sure-Fire Tactics To Keep The Peace – And The Love!! – Every Day in Every Way!
Leave a comment or two below…
And Marry YourSelf First Every Day in Every Way!
Relationship Counselor Ken Donaldson on: How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?
Filed under: Ken Donaldson's Blog, adversity, assertive, boundaries, communication, love, marriage, marry yourself first, relationship, therapy
Is Your Relationship Living or Dying?
This is a classic question being asked by many wives today. The first thing to do is the obvious: Ask him! And in asking him, have you clarified to him how important it is to you and to the kids?
Here are a few things to be aware of when asking:
• Be aware of “how” you’re asking.
• Are you nagging, whining or complaining? Ask in a positive tone.
• When are you asking? Pick a time when he’s available and not preoccupied.
All of which brings up the next question: Have you and your husband been practicing good communication or have you done what many couples do and just gone on autopilot?
Autopilot is a common relationship dynamic that silently says, “Let’s keep it comfortable, predictable and familiar.” Unfortunately, comfortable, predictable and familiar do not allow for growth and if there’s no growth, the relationship can and will become very stagnant very fast. Sometimes what a relationship needs more than anything else is a shakeup. Something out of the ordinary, like a new way of interacting. Too many couples have become passive and they’ve stopped asking for what they truly want and need, and they’ve stopped making their requests.
In other words, they’ve begun to settle. And here’s a fact about settling: When you settle for less you always get less…never more! For example, couples often settle for setting fewer boundaries, which means they stop making the requests to fulfill their wants and needs, and they stop informing their partner about unacceptable behavior.
And what then happens is as days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, there’s a growing separation and distance between the two. And then the wife’s simple issue of “I’d like you to spend more time with the kids,” turns into a resentment filled and fueled power-struggle.
This may sound like an evasion of the original question, but there are bigger issues and dynamics here. These issues don’t grow overnight; they usually have been festering for months, years and at times, even decades.
So the key is really about having healthy assertive communication. One of the greatest gifts one partner can give to another in a relationship is healthy communication. This is particularly relevant when it comes to conflict resolution. Oftentimes conflict resolution simply means to ask the more difficult and sometimes emotionally charged questions.
This issue of the husband spending more time with the family may be one of those situations where there may be a tendency to skate around the issue because it might feel uncomfortable. Like, “I don’t feel like asking him because he might get irritated,” or “I might sound like I’m nagging.”
However, the goal here is simple: Ask and make the request anyway. You must often just take the action that’s uncomfortable or awkward. And yes, it may even stir the pot and create a little conflict, but if you don’t confront and deal with conflict, the relationship will, by default, go on autopilot, and relationships die in autopilot mode!
Die?!! Yes…here’s why: Everything in life is either living or dying. Which means your life is either growing and expanding or shriveling and dying.
And if you’re not addressing issues straight-up and confronting dynamics that are unacceptable, then the relationship is starting to die.
So, how can you get your husband to spend more time with the family? It starts with you communicating effectively and assertively. If you’re not there or can’t seem to get there, or if there has been a continual cycle of breakdowns after you’ve tried over and over again, then it’s time to hire a professional.
It’s amazing what a couple of counseling sessions with a good relationship counselor can do! Have a few sessions with someone who can actively teach you how to effectively communicate with each other.
Do all this and the question of “How can I get my husband to spend more time with the family?” answers itself.
Leave a comment below…
Marry YourSelf First! for the Best Relationships
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Ken Donaldson, MA, LMHC
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