Those Cheating Hearts and Why They – And Their Partners – Don’t Change
Filed under: adversity, Breaking up, differences, heartbreak, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marriage, marry yourself first, recovery, relationship, trust
I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.
Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.
Why do people cheat?
Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.
All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.
But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…
You get the picture, right?
The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.
But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?
Wow! These numbers are not so common.
And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”
Sorry to be the bearer of the news.
The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.
This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.
So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?
Answer: It’s “easier” not to.
The problem is that “easier” is often not better.
But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.
We are a “change ignorant” people.
(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)
Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.
But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.
Sound contradictory?
Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”
And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.
The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.
Just four simple points:
1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.
2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.
3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.
4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.
Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.
But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?
AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.
Start today: Marry YourSelf First!
Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp
Filed under: adversity, anger, emotions, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, Rebuild Trust, recovery, relationship, sadness
Staying faithful a task for some: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com
Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp
My friends at Fox and I chatted a bit about Maria and Arnold a while back…but we really got into some deeper issues and dynamics…unfortunately we ran out of time.
Affairs, infidelity and betrayal are always big tough issues to work through.
Getting beyond betrayal, healing infidelity and moving past the hurt, pain and trauma of an affair is very challenging and can be overwhelming.
In other words, making a change of that magnitude is very difficult AND very uncommon.
The last question raised was on the show was: “Getting back to the whole trust thing; would somebody in that situation, let’s say Maria, ever trust anybody to that same level?”
My response was that Maria could actually trust more.
What?!! How could that possibly be true?
For a moment, forget about this being specifically about Maria.
After all, she does deserve some privacy, right?
AND this is a much bigger issue with HUGE underlying dynamics.
As odd as it sounds, you would think somebody that’s been wounded at this level would never allow herself to be hurt again.
Which would be a great choice…but HOW she does it is really the key.
The big question is more about working through the “woundedness.”
Quick fix?
No…not at all. In fact, it will most likely take a lot of time, effort and energy. Most likely some intense therapy, a tremendous amount of honest self-reflection and some major reworking of the inner values and outer boundaries.
Change at this level requires a mammoth commitment.
And most people, unfortunately, will NOT put the necessary time and energy into the healing and growth process. Actually most people probably don’t even know that they can heal and grow past the pain.
Instead, they walk around hurt, wounded and unhealed and, as a result, make even poorer decisions in their future.
Do you think you can really make a good decision if your mind is clouded and influenced by the hurt, anger and resentment of past wounds?
The real question for anyone in this situation is: Do you WANT to heal, grow and expand?
Most everyone responds with a resounding “Yes!”
But why, then, do most people not follow through?
The same reason people overeat when they know it’s unhealthy, overspend when they know they don’t have the money and get into relationships they know are not good for them.
Why do people do all this!!?
Brain confusion…yes, their brain gets confused with too many different messages and usually does not pick the most logical (and usually healthiest) path.
Why does the brain get confused? Because you actually have three brains all trying to deliver varying messages to you.
Which message do most people listen to?
Usually the one with the biggest emotional charge.
Are emotions rational and logical (or healthy)?
NO!…Not usually.
The three brains:
- The Inner Brain: The most primitive and activates your fight or flight mechanism. Also, the basic survival drives for food, water and procreation. Basic emotions of fight or flight, freeze or hide and live or die.
- The Middle Brain: More advanced but still without reason… the basic “love and loyalty” drives originate here.
- The Outer Brain: The most advanced (only humans and apes have this) and where logic, conscious thinking and reasoning come from. Also, this where our “ethical thinking” comes from, meaning unique values, rules and guidelines for living.
SO…for example: The Inner Brain is obsessed with pure lust. The Middle Brain is driven by love and devotion. The Outer Brain is infatuated with an amazing romantic experience.
A pretty woman or handsome guy comes along and the Inner Brain screams out for sex, the Middle Brain falls in love and the Outer Brain tries to figure out how to make it all happen ethically.
See the conflicts? And ALL the different and even contradictory messages?
And too often the Inner Brain wins….the primal survival instincts.
Another example: You are offered the Super Duper Size order of French fries. Your Outer Brain says, “No, those are bad for you.” Your Middle Brain doesn’t really care one way or the other although it does recall a time when you shared French fries with a past romantic interest. And your Inner Brain screams, “Get all you can as this could be the last meal you ever have and more fat with help protect you!”
The Inner Brain often wins again.
See and hear the problem?
Add to that the many complexities of memory, conditioning and all the other known and unknown variables of the brain and you can quickly surmise why people have some of the issues that they do.
AND why people don’t change for their own good.
When you bring this all back to Maria (and all those others who have had similar experiences) you can see that she could work through all this and actually be even more conscious, more aware and more loving….AND even more trusting.
Will she? Who knows? That’s totally up to her.
And bringing it back to you: Is there anything you’re still reacting to from your past that is getting in the way of your future?
Perhaps now is the time to clear it.
Is it easy? No. It probably will require a great deal of effort, energy and commitment…and a lot of going out of your comfort zone…a whole lot!
Are you worth it?
Yes….
Time to ChangeUp…it works when you work it.
Today: Marry YourSelf First!
Fight, Flight, Fear or Free
Filed under: adversity, anxiety, boundaries, emotions, empowerment, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, positive thinking
Dr. Tom Hanson recently released his latest book, Play Big.
If you don’t know Dr. Tom, he’s a Tampa-based sports psychologist whose niche is helping baseball players (professional and amateur) perform optimally.
More than anything else, he helps these athletes get the inside game won.
Play Big is a fictional story about a player struggling with hitting the ball (only known as “number 21”) who serendipitously meets this extremely shrewd sage who has no name but is very wise about knowing how to win the inside game of baseball (and life).
Think The Peaceful Warrior meets Field of Dreams.
On page 179 the sage introduces the “inner caveman” as the survival and safety mechanism everyone has in their brain.
When the inner caveman perceives a threat, whether it’s real or imagined, it sets off an alarm to be on guard.
When most people feel this alarm they perceive it as anxiety and usually tense up and back away from whatever the perceived threat is.
The problem with that response pattern, whether you’re playing baseball or just interacting with life, is when you tense up and/or back away, you never perform optimally.
This is an overreaction of the “fight or flight” mechanism of the brain, known more formally as the sympathetic nervous system.
When a baseball player steps up to the plate and is in a state of fight or flight, his muscles tighten up too much and he is not able to swing the bat with his natural and instinctual capabilities.
These natural capabilities are actually wired for high performance.
Yes the athlete (and everyone, including you) is wired to succeed and excel at a very high level.
More simply put, you are wired for greatness.
The ONLY thing that gets in the way is the overreactive fight or flight mechanism.
Yes…the mind simply malfunctions at times without you truly knowing why or how.
But what activates the fight or flight mechanism?
Fear.
Fear of failure and rejection to be exact.
Back to the caveman: He needed his tribe to survive, so any threat to being ostracized from the tribe would literally be life-threatening.
In spite of all the information and technological advances and discoveries made over time, the human brain is exactly the same as caveman days.
No…there is no human brain 2.0!
This means if your inner caveman perceives that a failure may lead to rejection, which may in turn lead to being ostracized, then the sympathetic nervous system is activated and you will not perform optimally if you happen to be playing baseball.
This same dynamic is also occurs in all areas of your life and as long as it reacts this way you will not perform optimally.
Not even close, in fact.
This is why the fear of failure and the fear of rejection are so prevalent (and so destructive).
Dr. Tom really didn’t write this book for the athlete; he wrote it for everyone, as everyone can benefit from this technology.
The next question: How does someone change this response pattern?
Simple…they think differently and create a different emotional response.
Here’s an example: Think about something you do every day without much attention. Something that is almost automatic. Maybe driving, or brushing your teeth or putting on your clothes.
Most people do these tasks, and most daily tasks, automatically and very confidently.
So confidently, in fact, that they don’t even think about it much or at all.
When you engage in one of these activities, you’re being unconsciously confident and competent.
Now imagine you’re able to recreate that same automatically confident energy in other tasks that maybe have been anxiety producing in the past.
What happens when you do?
You feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful.
And when you feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful, you automatically feel more confident and perform optimally.
You feel free. Welcome to your greatness!
So, when you visualize yourself doing anything, always see yourself doing it with great ease, calm and peace…breathe deeply and smile, as your body will automatically calm itself with breathing and smiling.
(Yes, stress, deep breathing and smiling cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Stress is overruled by a big smile and a deep breath, and then cast out.)
And remember to stop by and say thanks to Dr. Tom….sneaky guy he is trying to convince the world that this book is about baseball.
Play Big is about life and how to win in a way that will bring you the most happiness and freedom.
That is what you want, right?
And Marry YourSelf First!
Change Change…Really
Have you noticed there’s a lot of change going on currently?
Have you also noticed that many people (maybe even most) don’t really like change?
And perhaps you’ve also noticed that when people resist change they often cause themselves unnecessary additional stress…right?
So what’s the deal about change?
1.) Why is there so much?
2.) And why do people resist it so much?
Answer #1: Life is change…period.
It doesn’t stand still and it’s always moving. That is until something dies, then it stops changing…and then it’s too late to start changing.
Answer #2: People like what they like, like what they know and don’t like what they don’t know.
Most people, at least (very progressive entrepreneurs, change artists, thrill seekers and adrenalin junkies excluded).
SO…what are YOU going to do?
You live in this life that is always changing, growing, expanding and evolving and YOU might not want to.
Remember being a kid and how every day was a new adventure?
(Key word: “new”).
And you would get bored so easily…you lived for something to change…something new to discover.
What happened?
You grew up and maybe got influenced by the “bigger, better, faster, more, now but do it the same” machine.
You see the problem, don’t you?
You can’t live and grow without living and growing (a.k.a. change).
So…here’s the question again…what are YOU going to do?
Denial has been the choice for some…maybe even many.
People deny that change is occurring all around them or they deny that it’s time for them to change.
Put a baseball cap over a pile of manure and it still smells and draws flies even if you call it a baseball cap.
No…denial doesn’t work…it makes things worse.
The answer?
Embrace change…in fact, create change.
Yes, if you embrace and create change, then you’re already ahead of it.
Where do you think change comes from? Mostly from other people who cause and create change!
So why not you?
You can be a change artist.
A Change Artist: One who embraces, causes and creates change for the greater good.
(The “greater good” part is optional but it only makes sense since you happen to be that kind of person, yes?)
Many people get caught up in the complaints and problems of life and don’t take the next step to do something about it.
If you don’t, who will?
In other words, if you don’t like change, then be change.
It’s quite simple.
Change or be changed.
Since change is going to happen, you might as well have some control and some choice, right.
You might as well have some fun with it as well.
Go back to your days as a child and engage in the wonderland of discovery, adventure and the great unknown.
You’re wired for growth and expansion. Why do anything other than what you’re designed for?
Why do so many people never use their full potential or capabilities?
Only one reason: They resist change.
Start today by deliberately doing something different.
Something REALLY different.
(Yes…that was a dare.)
Dare yourself to be the change.
Dare yourself to do something bold today that will have a positive impact on yourself and others (or maybe just others if you can manage to do it anonymously as well).
But whatever you do, don’t do nothing.
Change is occurring faster today than ever and you’re either going to cause it or you’re going to be impacted by it.
It’s your choice.
I have faith you’ll make the best choice.
Introducing the next Change Artist…YOU!
Marry YourSelf First!
Addiction, Depression, Divorce and The Lizard Brain
Filed under: addiction, depression, divorce, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first
Here are some common questions people ask:
- Why do people set themselves up for bad relationships when they know the other person doesn’t share their necessary values?
- Why would someone who knows they have a drug or alcohol problem continue to drink or use drugs?
- Why do people get involved with someone if they know there’s a deal-breaker already there (i.e. drugs, alcohol, children, religion, etc.)?
- If someone knew they could do something very simple to feel better, why would they choose to continue to feel bad?
- Don’t people understand that if they settle for less in the beginning, they always get even less in the end?
There’s actually one word that ties these questions together…
Change.
People don’t like to change.
Most people don’t change.
Most people don’t think they need to change.
Some research suggests that 95% of the population tries NOT to change.
Yes…they resist change.
The irony is that you really can’t resist change as it’s happening all the time, all around you, whether you like it, or want it, or not.
But can you convince someone who doesn’t want to change that change would do them good?
Yes…no…maybe…it depends.
But the problem is the human brain.
And while it would appear that some people making really bad and self-destructive choices are more suffering from brain damage, it’s actually not that.
It’s the “reptile brain.”
The reptile brain, also referred to as the reptilian brain or lizard brain, is the oldest part of our brain and connected directly to our spinal cord.
The primary purpose of the reptile brain is survival and protection.
If you literally watch lizards you’ll see them automatically defend their turf through behaviors like head-bobbing which demonstrates assertive and aggressive posturing.
They automatically go into protective and survival mode whenever they feel threatened.
Sometimes they run and sometimes they attack.
They never sit still for very long.
They don’t like change…at all.
People who tend to engage in obsessive-compulsive behavior, rituals or superstitious thinking are all being governed by the reptile brain.
Likewise, people who continue to do the same thing over and over (behavior slaves), are also being dominated by the reptile brain.
The bottom-line is that people are programmed to resist change because this reptile part of the brain interprets change as potentially dangerous.
So is there no hope then for these people?
Actually, yes, there is…in fact, more hope today than ever.
The one dynamic every self-help book has in common is that they all support change.
Every personal growth and development program does the same.
So do all the 12-step programs and other related recovery programs.
The question, then, and really the ONLY question, is:
Are you open to change?
Many people will stay in their familiar and predictable patterns only because the patterns are familiar and predicable.
You can invite, challenge or dare someone else to change.
You can even threaten them with losing something if they don’t.
But in the end, the other person has to want it more than you.
Then you may be left asking yourself, “What do I need to do to change in myself to make this all more accepting?”
This is a hard pill to swallow especially if you really care about the other person.
This is, in fact, where most codependency is born.
It’s about caring so much that you actually begin to overstep what you’re responsible for and try to do for the other person what they in fact need to do for themselves.
Good thing you can turn to counselors who specialize in facilitating change for help.
And the Serenity Prayer is a good reminder as well:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people);
The courage to change the things I can (yourself);
And the wisdom to know the difference (boundaries and letting go).
Yes, people can manage the reptile brain.
They have to want to first.
Then, they must have the awareness and deliberately step over, around, or just ignore the unnecessary warning signals altogether.
In the end, change is always good.
It’s happening anyway so you might as well learn to go with it rather than against it.
Marry YourSelf First!
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Marry YourSelf First! Audio
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Men and Depression
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