Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp
Staying faithful a task for some: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com
Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp
My friends at Fox and I chatted a bit about Maria and Arnold a while back…but we really got into some deeper issues and dynamics…unfortunately we ran out of time.
Affairs, infidelity and betrayal are always big tough issues to work through.
Getting beyond betrayal, healing infidelity and moving past the hurt, pain and trauma of an affair is very challenging and can be overwhelming.
In other words, making a change of that magnitude is very difficult AND very uncommon.
The last question raised was on the show was: “Getting back to the whole trust thing; would somebody in that situation, let’s say Maria, ever trust anybody to that same level?”
My response was that Maria could actually trust more.
What?!! How could that possibly be true?
For a moment, forget about this being specifically about Maria.
After all, she does deserve some privacy, right?
AND this is a much bigger issue with HUGE underlying dynamics.
As odd as it sounds, you would think somebody that’s been wounded at this level would never allow herself to be hurt again.
Which would be a great choice…but HOW she does it is really the key.
The big question is more about working through the “woundedness.”
Quick fix?
No…not at all. In fact, it will most likely take a lot of time, effort and energy. Most likely some intense therapy, a tremendous amount of honest self-reflection and some major reworking of the inner values and outer boundaries.
Change at this level requires a mammoth commitment.
And most people, unfortunately, will NOT put the necessary time and energy into the healing and growth process. Actually most people probably don’t even know that they can heal and grow past the pain.
Instead, they walk around hurt, wounded and unhealed and, as a result, make even poorer decisions in their future.
Do you think you can really make a good decision if your mind is clouded and influenced by the hurt, anger and resentment of past wounds?
The real question for anyone in this situation is: Do you WANT to heal, grow and expand?
Most everyone responds with a resounding “Yes!”
But why, then, do most people not follow through?
The same reason people overeat when they know it’s unhealthy, overspend when they know they don’t have the money and get into relationships they know are not good for them.
Why do people do all this!!?
Brain confusion…yes, their brain gets confused with too many different messages and usually does not pick the most logical (and usually healthiest) path.
Why does the brain get confused? Because you actually have three brains all trying to deliver varying messages to you.
Which message do most people listen to?
Usually the one with the biggest emotional charge.
Are emotions rational and logical (or healthy)?
NO!…Not usually.
The three brains:
- The Inner Brain: The most primitive and activates your fight or flight mechanism. Also, the basic survival drives for food, water and procreation. Basic emotions of fight or flight, freeze or hide and live or die.
- The Middle Brain: More advanced but still without reason… the basic “love and loyalty” drives originate here.
- The Outer Brain: The most advanced (only humans and apes have this) and where logic, conscious thinking and reasoning come from. Also, this where our “ethical thinking” comes from, meaning unique values, rules and guidelines for living.
SO…for example: The Inner Brain is obsessed with pure lust. The Middle Brain is driven by love and devotion. The Outer Brain is infatuated with an amazing romantic experience.
A pretty woman or handsome guy comes along and the Inner Brain screams out for sex, the Middle Brain falls in love and the Outer Brain tries to figure out how to make it all happen ethically.
See the conflicts? And ALL the different and even contradictory messages?
And too often the Inner Brain wins….the primal survival instincts.
Another example: You are offered the Super Duper Size order of French fries. Your Outer Brain says, “No, those are bad for you.” Your Middle Brain doesn’t really care one way or the other although it does recall a time when you shared French fries with a past romantic interest. And your Inner Brain screams, “Get all you can as this could be the last meal you ever have and more fat with help protect you!”
The Inner Brain often wins again.
See and hear the problem?
Add to that the many complexities of memory, conditioning and all the other known and unknown variables of the brain and you can quickly surmise why people have some of the issues that they do.
AND why people don’t change for their own good.
When you bring this all back to Maria (and all those others who have had similar experiences) you can see that she could work through all this and actually be even more conscious, more aware and more loving….AND even more trusting.
Will she? Who knows? That’s totally up to her.
And bringing it back to you: Is there anything you’re still reacting to from your past that is getting in the way of your future?
Perhaps now is the time to clear it.
Is it easy? No. It probably will require a great deal of effort, energy and commitment…and a lot of going out of your comfort zone…a whole lot!
Are you worth it?
Yes….
Time to ChangeUp…it works when you work it.
Today: Marry YourSelf First!
Marital Affair, Marriage Infidelity and Betrayal: How to Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage or Relationship
How do I rebuild trust after betrayal?
Can I recover from a marital affair?
How do I deal with marriage infidelity?
What do I do after infidelity?
Can I recover from betrayal and trust again?
Unfortunately, these questions are quite frequently asked by many people. Betrayal, infidelity and affairs are rampant today.
But here is the real question: What are the keys to happy, healthy and harmonious relationships?
Answer this question, and live it fully every day in every way, and you’ll proactively prevent, or at least dramatically reduce the likelihood of having to deal with the marital affair, marriage infidelity, betrayal or broken trust in your relationship.
However, people who find themselves in these unfortunate situations want to know what they should do.
Answer: ???????
Not such a good answer, right?
There is NO clear cut answer because there are so many variables involved.
So let’s look at some possibilities at rebuilding trust in the relationship.
The rebuilding process is often dependent upon how much baggage has been brought into the relationship. Additionally, it is also very dependent on how open the two people are.
If there is a lot of baggage, which means “a significant amount of pre-relationship emotional issues,” then one or both people may have to do a lot of individual processing, as well as working on the relationship.
If one or both of the people are not willing to open up and be truthful and honest, this will slow down or perhaps even sabotage the entire process.
One other variable is around how much trust has been broken. Is there a long history or is this the first and only time?
Here’s something to consider: The affair is not really THE problem. It’s really a symptom of the problem. Relationships that are strong in their foundation do have affairs.
The affair is an escape or an attempted way to cope. This, of course, does NOT diminish the fact that it’s still an affair…still a betrayal…and still broken trust.
Usually affairs come from needs not being met in the relationship. In some cases, it can go back even farther to serious unresolved trauma from childhood or earlier on in life.
The bottom-line, however, is to get to the core of the motivation for the affair and then resolve that.
Believe it or not, the recovery from an affair can actually help the relationship become even stronger than before. Just like a broken bone: If healed properly, it becomes stronger than it was previously…really!
If the couple is truly committed to going through a healing process, they can make the relationship even stronger and better than it was before. Affairs simply mean that there are significant dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship.
In other words, there was something going on before the infidelity occurred.
So the biggest elements that are required for lasting healing to occur are openness, honesty and patience. The healing process takes time. Sometimes a LOT of time!
And find a really good relationship counselor who can help guide you through the healing process. Affairs are very difficult, if not impossible, for couples to heal successfully by themselves.
Affairs and infidelities are eye openers. Now that your eyes are open, leave them open. Notice what’s really going on in the relationship. Notice the unmet needs, the unresolved issues and the unspoken words.
These “un” patterns are the patterns and behaviors that MUST end, or else the relationship will either fail or forever be embittered.
On the other end of the spectrum lies this question: Is this a Deal-Breaker? And can I repair it even though I consider it to be a deal- breaker?
The literal answer would be “no” since deal-breakers are just that: They break the deal!
True deal-breakers are absolutes and non-negotiable. That’s not to say that this makes a decision of this magnitude easy. Deal-breakers mean “I am not going to tolerate or allow anything that goes beyond this line.”
You have to decide what your lines are and if you’re willing to change them.
Beware of guilt or fear being the underlying motivation to stay in spite of the deal-breakers. These motivators will most likely come back to haunt you again and again.
Whatever your motivation is, it’s highly recommended that you use a huge amount of caution if you decide to change your deal-breakers and allow yourself to continue in the relationship.
Again, getting a good, experienced relationship counselor involved is paramount.
How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?
Can you recover from a marital affair?
How do you deal with marriage infidelity?
What do you do after infidelity?
Can you recover from betrayal and trust again?
Yes…no…maybe.
But whatever you choose, do it much differently than you did in the past and with professional guidance.
Please leave your comments below…
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