Those Cheating Hearts and Why They – And Their Partners – Don’t Change
Filed under: adversity, Breaking up, differences, heartbreak, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marriage, marry yourself first, recovery, relationship, trust
I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.
Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.
Why do people cheat?
Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.
All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.
But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…
You get the picture, right?
The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.
But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?
Wow! These numbers are not so common.
And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”
Sorry to be the bearer of the news.
The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.
This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.
So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?
Answer: It’s “easier” not to.
The problem is that “easier” is often not better.
But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.
We are a “change ignorant” people.
(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)
Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.
But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.
Sound contradictory?
Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”
And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.
The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.
Just four simple points:
1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.
2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.
3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.
4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.
Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.
But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?
AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.
Start today: Marry YourSelf First!
Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp
Filed under: adversity, anger, emotions, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, Rebuild Trust, recovery, relationship, sadness
Staying faithful a task for some: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com
Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp
My friends at Fox and I chatted a bit about Maria and Arnold a while back…but we really got into some deeper issues and dynamics…unfortunately we ran out of time.
Affairs, infidelity and betrayal are always big tough issues to work through.
Getting beyond betrayal, healing infidelity and moving past the hurt, pain and trauma of an affair is very challenging and can be overwhelming.
In other words, making a change of that magnitude is very difficult AND very uncommon.
The last question raised was on the show was: “Getting back to the whole trust thing; would somebody in that situation, let’s say Maria, ever trust anybody to that same level?”
My response was that Maria could actually trust more.
What?!! How could that possibly be true?
For a moment, forget about this being specifically about Maria.
After all, she does deserve some privacy, right?
AND this is a much bigger issue with HUGE underlying dynamics.
As odd as it sounds, you would think somebody that’s been wounded at this level would never allow herself to be hurt again.
Which would be a great choice…but HOW she does it is really the key.
The big question is more about working through the “woundedness.”
Quick fix?
No…not at all. In fact, it will most likely take a lot of time, effort and energy. Most likely some intense therapy, a tremendous amount of honest self-reflection and some major reworking of the inner values and outer boundaries.
Change at this level requires a mammoth commitment.
And most people, unfortunately, will NOT put the necessary time and energy into the healing and growth process. Actually most people probably don’t even know that they can heal and grow past the pain.
Instead, they walk around hurt, wounded and unhealed and, as a result, make even poorer decisions in their future.
Do you think you can really make a good decision if your mind is clouded and influenced by the hurt, anger and resentment of past wounds?
The real question for anyone in this situation is: Do you WANT to heal, grow and expand?
Most everyone responds with a resounding “Yes!”
But why, then, do most people not follow through?
The same reason people overeat when they know it’s unhealthy, overspend when they know they don’t have the money and get into relationships they know are not good for them.
Why do people do all this!!?
Brain confusion…yes, their brain gets confused with too many different messages and usually does not pick the most logical (and usually healthiest) path.
Why does the brain get confused? Because you actually have three brains all trying to deliver varying messages to you.
Which message do most people listen to?
Usually the one with the biggest emotional charge.
Are emotions rational and logical (or healthy)?
NO!…Not usually.
The three brains:
- The Inner Brain: The most primitive and activates your fight or flight mechanism. Also, the basic survival drives for food, water and procreation. Basic emotions of fight or flight, freeze or hide and live or die.
- The Middle Brain: More advanced but still without reason… the basic “love and loyalty” drives originate here.
- The Outer Brain: The most advanced (only humans and apes have this) and where logic, conscious thinking and reasoning come from. Also, this where our “ethical thinking” comes from, meaning unique values, rules and guidelines for living.
SO…for example: The Inner Brain is obsessed with pure lust. The Middle Brain is driven by love and devotion. The Outer Brain is infatuated with an amazing romantic experience.
A pretty woman or handsome guy comes along and the Inner Brain screams out for sex, the Middle Brain falls in love and the Outer Brain tries to figure out how to make it all happen ethically.
See the conflicts? And ALL the different and even contradictory messages?
And too often the Inner Brain wins….the primal survival instincts.
Another example: You are offered the Super Duper Size order of French fries. Your Outer Brain says, “No, those are bad for you.” Your Middle Brain doesn’t really care one way or the other although it does recall a time when you shared French fries with a past romantic interest. And your Inner Brain screams, “Get all you can as this could be the last meal you ever have and more fat with help protect you!”
The Inner Brain often wins again.
See and hear the problem?
Add to that the many complexities of memory, conditioning and all the other known and unknown variables of the brain and you can quickly surmise why people have some of the issues that they do.
AND why people don’t change for their own good.
When you bring this all back to Maria (and all those others who have had similar experiences) you can see that she could work through all this and actually be even more conscious, more aware and more loving….AND even more trusting.
Will she? Who knows? That’s totally up to her.
And bringing it back to you: Is there anything you’re still reacting to from your past that is getting in the way of your future?
Perhaps now is the time to clear it.
Is it easy? No. It probably will require a great deal of effort, energy and commitment…and a lot of going out of your comfort zone…a whole lot!
Are you worth it?
Yes….
Time to ChangeUp…it works when you work it.
Today: Marry YourSelf First!
Five Words To Change Your Life
Filed under: addiction, depression, divorce, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first
Five words that can change your life: Hope, Cope, Survive, Thrive, Soar.
These five words can, do and will continue to change and save lives.
Hope: Not the wishful thinking (“I hope I win the lotto”) type, but “the true inner feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” (Dictionary.com)
Imagine if you knew how to instantaneously tap into hope whenever you needed it, for whatever reason.
Hope keeps you going in the face of doubt, fear and the great unknown.
Hope keeps you from giving up and, instead, develops your perseverance and persistence muscles.
Hope is the inner seed that is necessary to continue to go forward into action.
Cope: Once you have hope as your foundation, you can now go into action. Cope is “to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success.” (Dictionary.com)
When you cope you get by. No matter how small it might be, progress is made.
Coping is the beginning of creating positive momentum for your life.
You begin to see how your efforts are moving you forward.
You also know how to deal with challenges, struggles and even failure, and keep moving.
Hope + Cope = Survive
Survive means “to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some occurrence.” (Dictionary.com)
As you build on hope and cope, you develop survival skills. These skills begin to occur automatically because you have practiced them and have developed some confidence around them.
Surviving means you have gotten yourself to a place of stability…ground level zero.
You have recovered successfully.
Many people survive, but never grow past this point.
Many people get comfortable with surviving.
Remember, life is a progression:
Hope > Cope > Survive > Thrive
Thrive means “to prosper; be fortunate or successful, to grow or develop vigorously; flourish.” (Dictionary.com)
When you thrive you are building on the foundation of hope, well developed coping skills and having established yourself as a survivor.
Thriving is a willingness to go beyond the norm.
Beyond average.
Beyond mediocre.
Beyond what you already know and into the great unknown.
Thriving means to take significant risks, because you are going past where you’ve ever been and perhaps, as well, beyond where anyone else has been before.
Thriving means you are willing to stand up, stand out and make a stand for what you believe.
It means letting go of ego, fear and the need to impress others.
Thriving means to be not just outside the box, but to destroy the box and create your own new paradigm.
Perhaps this is the master success formula for life:
Hope + Cope + Survive + Thrive = Soar
Soar means “to rise or aspire to a higher or more exalted level.” (Dictionary.com)
Thriving sets the tone for soaring. Whereas thriving takes tremendous effort, soaring is the outcome from all that hard work, effort and risk
Just like an eagle soars in the thermals, you too will enjoy soaring through your life as you follow this progression.
Soaring is the positive consequence for hard work, many risks and always keeping the ego (and fear) in check.
Soaring does require a huge commitment to be extremely responsible and accountable due to your high level of visibility.
Many people choose not to soar because they don’t want to be seen as the “center of attention.”
Soaring is not accomplished to be in the limelight, although it often results in such.
To soar, you must shed your ego and have no worries what others will think, say or do in response to your soaring.
To soar is to have reached the pinnacle of life.
It is also from where you must be willing to be a role model at the highest level and a mentor to others who seek to accomplish the same.
Hope.
Cope.
Survive.
Thrive.
Soar.
These five words describe what we all need to stay on the positive side of life.
Addiction, depression and divorce, for example, scarcely exist when you live in the progression of hope, cope, survive, thrive and soar.
These are the stepping stones of greatness.
Will you step up, step out and step into your greatness?
Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson, Fox 13 and Financial Infidelity Part 2
Lies about money get tough to hide: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com
I visited my friends from Fox 13 again to discuss Financial Infidelity. Although they edited much of what we discussed (and it was really good…honest!) the overall message here is clear: Get honest with your honey and your money!
Marry YourSelf First!!
Are You Single in Tampa Bay? You Might Just be in BIG Trouble (or Not?)!
After thousands of single people in my 25 years of experience, my core message is always the same: Get clear with yourself first…know yourself, trust yourself, believe in yourself and love yourself. Do this and you’ll be much happier and healthier, whether you’re in a relationship or not.
Not exactly what everyone wants to hear as we live in what’s commonly called “the microwave relationship era.”
Everyone seems to want the immediate life partnership without doing the inside work on themselves first. They think if they get ‘The’ relationship, then everything else will fall into place.
That’s usually the beginning of the end.
Then, to make things maybe even more confusing, add into the mix some interesting reports from the highly esteemed Forbes and Kiplinger.
What do Forbes and Kiplinger know about singlehood and relationships? According to them, apparently, quite a bit.
New York, Boston, Chicago, Seattle and Washington, D.C. are the top 5 kingpins of the best cities to be single, according to Forbes.com. And if you happen to live in Tampa-St. Petersburg, it doesn’t look so good as you’re near the rear of the pack at #33 out of 40 cities evaluated.
But wait a minute; Kiplinger.com says that Albuquerque, Atlanta, Austin, The Twin Cities of St. Paul-Minneapolis and Nashville are the top five “Smart” cities for singles!
Confused? You should be!
And how did Forbes and Kiplinger come up with these results?
Forbes apparently actually did some research: “To determine the best city for singles, we ranked 40 of the largest continental U.S. metropolitan statistical areas in seven different categories: coolness, cost of living alone, culture, job growth, online dating, nightlife and number of singles.”
Impressive, but what about Kiplinger? Not sure. Seems like maybe it was much more subjective (“Hey guys, what cities do you think are the ‘smartest’ for single people?”).
And going back to Forbes, what is this “coolness” factor. Sounds cool enough but how do they measure the cool factor of a city?
Here’s what they said: “To determine coolness, market research company Harris Interactive conducted a poll in July 2009 of adults from across the U.S., each of whom was asked, ‘Among the following U.S. cities, which one do you think is the coolest?’ Data were provided by Harris Interactive.”
Hmmmm…does one person’s coolness differ from another? Most likely.
But if you’re single, before you quit your job, sell your house and move north or west, you might want to consider some other much more important factors.
Let’s start by asking a simple question: “What’s your biggest dating challenge?”
Here are a few of the more common responses:
- “I’m uncomfortable approaching someone…what if they say ‘No’?”
- “I don’t know how to tell someone that I’m not interested…I have difficulty saying ‘No’ and I’m afraid I’ll hurt their feelings.”
- “I feel like my expectations are too high and unrealistic, but then I always end up with people who are well below the standards I set.”
Using the Forbes formula of “coolness, cost of living alone, culture, job growth, online dating, nightlife and number of singles” will not make singles who are struggling with these issues any more successful in their relationships.
It is truly what is in your heart, what you know and how you feel about yourself, and a few basic skill sets that will really make your relationships work.
Here’s the “not so secret” formula: Being a ‘successful single’ is, first and foremost, an inside job. First, you must know and live according to your values. Then, you must understand and adhere to your relationship ‘deal-makers’, ‘deal-breakers’ and compatibility needs. And finally, it helps dramatically if you commit to a balanced and healthy lifestyle, which includes a powerful and active support network. Do all this and you have a far higher likelihood of being relationally successful…regardless of where you live!
Because it is the inside of a person that makes the relationship, NOT the outer influences.
The month of February has been proclaimed as International Relationship Month and Valentine’s Day has been declared as International Singles Day.
If you take your time, watch, listen and probe, you will see who people really are. You must FIRST, however, know who YOU are. Follow the parameters or boundaries you set AND keep them and you will dramatically increase the likelihood of finding a healthy relationship connection. Remember, as Shakespeare said, ‘Above all else, to Thine own self be true!’
Visit www.TheSingleValentine.com for more information about the Free “Single and Lovin’ It Valentine” Webinar on Monday, February 14th at 9 p.m. EST.
Read more about Ken Donaldson here…
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Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
Men and Depression
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