I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.

Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.

Why do people cheat?

Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.

But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.

All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.

But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…

You get the picture, right?

The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.

But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?

Wow! These numbers are not so common.

And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”

Sorry to be the bearer of the news.

The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.

This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.

So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?

Answer: It’s “easier” not to.

The problem is that “easier” is often not better.

But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.

We are a “change ignorant” people.

(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)

Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.

But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.

Sound contradictory?

Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”

And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.

The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.

Just four simple points:

1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.

2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.

3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.

4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.

Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.

But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?

AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.

I do know a guy….

More from Ken Donaldson…

Start today: Marry YourSelf First!

Staying faithful a task for some: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com

Maria, Arnold, Your Three Brains and Time for ChangeUp

My friends at Fox and I chatted a bit about Maria and Arnold a while back…but we really got into some deeper issues and dynamics…unfortunately we ran out of time.

Affairs, infidelity and betrayal are always big tough issues to work through.

Getting beyond betrayal, healing infidelity and moving past the hurt, pain and trauma of an affair is very challenging and can be overwhelming.

In other words, making a change of that magnitude is very difficult AND very uncommon.

The last question raised was on the show was: “Getting back to the whole trust thing; would somebody in that situation, let’s say Maria,  ever trust anybody to that same level?”

My response was that Maria could actually trust more.

What?!! How could that possibly be true?

For a moment, forget about this being specifically about Maria.

After all, she does deserve some privacy, right?

AND this is a much bigger issue with HUGE underlying dynamics.

As odd as it sounds, you would think somebody that’s been wounded at this level would never allow herself to be hurt again.

Which would be a great choice…but HOW she does it is really the key.

The big question is more about working through the “woundedness.”

Quick fix?

No…not at all. In fact, it will most likely take a lot of time, effort and energy. Most likely some intense therapy, a tremendous amount of honest self-reflection and some major reworking of the inner values and outer boundaries.

Change at this level requires a mammoth commitment.

And most people, unfortunately, will NOT put the necessary time and energy into the healing and growth process. Actually most people probably don’t even know that they can heal and grow past the pain.

Instead, they walk around hurt, wounded and unhealed and, as a result, make even poorer decisions in their future.

Do you think you can really make a good decision if your mind is clouded and influenced by the hurt, anger and resentment of past wounds?

The real question for anyone in this situation is: Do you WANT to heal, grow and expand?

Most everyone responds with a resounding “Yes!”

But why, then, do most people not follow through?

The same reason people overeat when they know it’s unhealthy, overspend when they know they don’t have the money and get into relationships they know are not good for them.

Why do people do all this!!?

Brain confusion…yes, their brain gets confused with too many different messages and usually does not pick the most logical (and usually healthiest) path.

Why does the brain get confused? Because you actually have three brains all trying to deliver varying messages to you.

Which message do most people listen to?

Usually the one with the biggest emotional charge.

Are emotions rational and logical (or healthy)?

NO!…Not usually.

The three brains:

• The Inner Brain: The most primitive and activates your fight or flight mechanism. Also, the basic survival drives for food, water and procreation. Basic emotions of fight or flight, freeze or hide and live or die.
• The Middle Brain: More advanced but still without reason… the basic “love and loyalty” drives originate here.
• The Outer Brain: The most advanced (only humans and apes have this) and where logic, conscious thinking and reasoning come from. Also, this where our “ethical thinking” comes from, meaning unique values, rules and guidelines for living.

SO…for example: The Inner Brain is obsessed with pure lust. The Middle Brain is driven by love and devotion. The Outer Brain is infatuated with an amazing romantic experience.

A pretty woman or handsome guy comes along and the Inner Brain screams out for sex, the Middle Brain falls in love and the Outer Brain tries to figure out how to make it all happen ethically.

See the conflicts? And ALL the different and even contradictory messages?

And too often the Inner Brain wins….the primal survival instincts.

Another example: You are offered the Super Duper Size order of French fries. Your Outer Brain says, “No, those are bad for you.” Your Middle Brain doesn’t really care one way or the other although it does recall a time when you shared French fries with a past romantic interest. And your Inner Brain screams, “Get all you can as this could be the last meal you ever have and more fat with help protect you!”

The Inner Brain often wins again.

See and hear the problem?

Add to that the many complexities of memory, conditioning and all the other known and unknown variables of the brain and you can quickly surmise why people have some of the issues that they do.

AND why people don’t change for their own good.

When you bring this all back to Maria (and all those others who have had similar experiences) you can see that she could work through all this and actually be even more conscious, more aware and more loving….AND even more trusting.

Will she? Who knows? That’s totally up to her.

And bringing it back to you: Is there anything you’re still reacting to from your past that is getting in the way of your future?

Perhaps now is the time to clear it.

Is it easy? No. It probably will require a great deal of effort, energy and commitment…and a lot of going out of your comfort zone…a whole lot!

Are you worth it?

Yes….

Time to ChangeUp…it works when you work it.

More from Ken Donaldson…

Today: Marry YourSelf First!

Five words that can change your life: Hope, Cope, Survive, Thrive, Soar.

These five words can, do and will continue to change and save lives.

Hope: Not the wishful thinking (“I hope I win the lotto”) type, but “the true inner feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” (Dictionary.com)

Imagine if you knew how to instantaneously tap into hope whenever you needed it, for whatever reason.

Hope keeps you going in the face of doubt, fear and the great unknown.

Hope keeps you from giving up and, instead, develops your perseverance and persistence muscles.

Hope is the inner seed that is necessary to continue to go forward into action.

Cope: Once you have hope as your foundation, you can now go into action. Cope is “to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success.” (Dictionary.com)

When you cope you get by. No matter how small it might be, progress is made.

Coping is the beginning of creating positive momentum for your life.

You begin to see how your efforts are moving you forward.

You also know how to deal with challenges, struggles and even failure, and keep moving.

Hope + Cope = Survive

Survive means “to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some occurrence.” (Dictionary.com)

As you build on hope and cope, you develop survival skills. These skills begin to occur automatically because you have practiced them and have developed some confidence around them.

Surviving means you have gotten yourself to a place of stability…ground level zero.

You have recovered successfully.

Many people survive, but never grow past this point.

Many people get comfortable with surviving.

Remember, life is a progression:
Hope > Cope > Survive > Thrive

Thrive means “to prosper; be fortunate or successful, to grow or develop vigorously; flourish.” (Dictionary.com)

When you thrive you are building on the foundation of hope, well developed coping skills and having established yourself as a survivor.

Thriving is a willingness to go beyond the norm.

Beyond average.

Beyond mediocre.

Beyond what you already know and into the great unknown.

Thriving means to take significant risks, because you are going past where you’ve ever been and perhaps, as well, beyond where anyone else has been before.

Thriving means you are willing to stand up, stand out and make a stand for what you believe.

It means letting go of ego, fear and the need to impress others.

Thriving means to be not just outside the box, but to destroy the box and create your own new paradigm.

Perhaps this is the master success formula for life:
Hope + Cope + Survive + Thrive = Soar

Soar means “to rise or aspire to a higher or more exalted level.” (Dictionary.com)

Thriving sets the tone for soaring. Whereas thriving takes tremendous effort, soaring is the outcome from all that hard work, effort and risk

Just like an eagle soars in the thermals, you too will enjoy soaring through your life as you follow this progression.

Soaring is the positive consequence for hard work, many risks and always keeping the ego (and fear) in check.

Soaring does require a huge commitment to be extremely responsible and accountable due to your high level of visibility.

Many people choose not to soar because they don’t want to be seen as the “center of attention.”

Soaring is not accomplished to be in the limelight, although it often results in such.

To soar, you must shed your ego and have no worries what others will think, say or do in response to your soaring.

To soar is to have reached the pinnacle of life.

It is also from where you must be willing to be a role model at the highest level and a mentor to others who seek to accomplish the same.

Hope.
Cope.
Survive.
Thrive.
Soar.

These five words describe what we all need to stay on the positive side of life.

Addiction, depression and divorce, for example, scarcely exist when you live in the progression of hope, cope, survive, thrive and soar.

These are the stepping stones of greatness.

Will you step up, step out and step into your greatness?

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

Lies about money get tough to hide: MyFoxTAMPABAY.com

I visited my friends from Fox 13 again to discuss Financial Infidelity. Although they edited much of what we discussed (and it was really good…honest!) the overall message here is clear: Get honest with your honey and your money!

Read more from Ken Donaldson.

Marry YourSelf First!!

After thousands of single people in my 25 years of experience, my core message is always the same: Get clear with yourself first…know yourself, trust yourself, believe in yourself and love yourself. Do this and you’ll be much happier and healthier, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Not exactly what everyone wants to hear as we live in what’s commonly called “the microwave relationship era.”

Everyone seems to want the immediate life partnership without doing the inside work on themselves first. They think if they get ‘The’ relationship, then everything else will fall into place.

That’s usually the beginning of the end.

Then, to make things maybe even more confusing, add into the mix some interesting reports from the highly esteemed Forbes and Kiplinger.

What do Forbes and Kiplinger know about singlehood and relationships? According to them, apparently, quite a bit.

New York, Boston, Chicago, Seattle and Washington, D.C. are the top 5 kingpins of the best cities to be single, according to Forbes.com. And if you happen to live in Tampa-St. Petersburg, it doesn’t look so good as you’re near the rear of the pack at #33 out of 40 cities evaluated.

But wait a minute; Kiplinger.com says that Albuquerque, Atlanta, Austin, The Twin Cities of St. Paul-Minneapolis and Nashville are the top five “Smart” cities for singles!

Confused? You should be!

And how did Forbes and Kiplinger come up with these results?

Forbes apparently actually did some research: “To determine the best city for singles, we ranked 40 of the largest continental U.S. metropolitan statistical areas in seven different categories: coolness, cost of living alone, culture, job growth, online dating, nightlife and number of singles.”

Impressive, but what about Kiplinger? Not sure. Seems like maybe it was much more subjective (“Hey guys, what cities do you think are the ‘smartest’ for single people?”).

And going back to Forbes, what is this “coolness” factor. Sounds cool enough but how do they measure the cool factor of a city?

Here’s what they said: “To determine coolness, market research company Harris Interactive conducted a poll in July 2009 of adults from across the U.S., each of whom was asked, ‘Among the following U.S. cities, which one do you think is the coolest?’ Data were provided by Harris Interactive.”

Hmmmm…does one person’s coolness differ from another? Most likely.

But if you’re single, before you quit your job, sell your house and move north or west, you might want to consider some other much more important factors.

Let’s start by asking a simple question: “What’s your biggest dating challenge?”

Here are a few of the more common responses:

• “I’m uncomfortable approaching someone…what if they say ‘No’?”
  
• “I don’t know how to tell someone that I’m not interested…I have difficulty saying ‘No’ and I’m afraid I’ll hurt their feelings.”
  
• “I feel like my expectations are too high and unrealistic, but then I always end up with people who are well below the standards I set.”

Using the Forbes formula of “coolness, cost of living alone, culture, job growth, online dating, nightlife and number of singles” will not make singles who are struggling with these issues any more successful in their relationships.

It is truly what is in your heart, what you know and how you feel about yourself, and a few basic skill sets that will really make your relationships work.

Here’s the “not so secret” formula: Being a ‘successful single’ is, first and foremost, an inside job. First, you must know and live according to your values. Then, you must understand and adhere to your relationship ‘deal-makers’, ‘deal-breakers’ and compatibility needs. And finally, it helps dramatically if you commit to a balanced and healthy lifestyle, which includes a powerful and active support network. Do all this and you have a far higher likelihood of being relationally successful…regardless of where you live!

Because it is the inside of a person that makes the relationship, NOT the outer influences.

The month of February has been proclaimed as International Relationship Month and Valentine’s Day has been declared as International Singles Day.

If you take your time, watch, listen and probe, you will see who people really are. You must FIRST, however, know who YOU are. Follow the parameters or boundaries you set AND keep them and you will dramatically increase the likelihood of finding a healthy relationship connection. Remember, as Shakespeare said, ‘Above all else, to Thine own self be true!’

Visit www.TheSingleValentine.com for more information about the Free “Single and Lovin’ It Valentine” Webinar on Monday, February 14th at 9 p.m. EST.

Read more about Ken Donaldson here…

We’re becoming relationship dummies.

It’s time to get smart and raise your Relational Intelligence (RQ)!

But how do you raise your RQ?

Let’s start by understanding three components of a highly intelligent relationship culture and what it takes to make healthy relationships:

First, let’s all learn how to effectively deal with conflict and differences.

Second, let’s practice commitment and apply commitment actions to make relationships last.

Third, let’s all be good relationship role models for our children and for future generations.

When we do that, we begin to break the dysfunctional cycle of divorce and domestic violence!

Additionally, it’s wise to know the healthy stages of the relationship continuum. Yes, relationships grow and develop through stages and if you don’t know the stages, then you’re bound to get lost and create relationship havoc for yourself and others.

It’s also worthwhile to know what the most common divorce predictors and indicators of relationship failure are. Always good to know what the early warning signs are!

Perhaps the biggest piece of relationship intelligence is knowing how to effectively communicate, especially with emotionally charged issues.

This is commonly referred to as the “intentional dialogue” and it has very specific techniques that help the people in the conversation stay in the conversation and manage the emotional state of the conversation.

As odd as it may sound, it’s also wise to create a proactive “Relationship Success Plan.” Actually, this only sounds odd because most people don’t do it. Always best to do this before you’re in a relationship, but is equally as valuable to create once you are in a relationship.

When you apply new methods of creating positive rituals in relationships, you also increase your RQ.

And when you understand how to increase positive energy in your relationships, your RQ is raised as well.

It’s time for us to realize that relationship education is no longer an option…it’s mandatory. Reading, writing and arithmetic are not going to prevent divorce, domestic violence or depression. We need life skills training that targets confidence building, self esteem enhancement and basic conflict resolution skills. This is the start to creating healthier individuals who can then create healthier relationships.

It’s time to create relationship education that will change our relationship priorities…that will make us relationally smarter….and raise our RQ!

I invite you to do something to help break these patterns and create a happy, healthy and more harmonious legacy for our future generations.

Go ahead…I dare you!

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!

“Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you.  They are not perfect but are always perfect for you.” ~Author Unknown

Imagine two lovers in a canoe fully enjoying the bliss of each other’s company as they’re paddling down this beautiful river of life.

Suddenly, one of them turns to adjust to some minor rapids…the canoe suddenly becomes unstable and the pleasure and harmony the two of them had been sharing suddenly disappears into fear and shock.

“What the heck are you doing?!!…Stop rocking the canoe,” one shouts to the other.

Then the unthinkable happens…one of them is flung from the canoe into the water.

And the blame game then commences.

“Look what you made me do…you made me fall into the water…you moron!”

“I was just trying to help…can’t you see that? Besides, you’ll dry off,” is a typical rational, but yet defensive response.

“Trying to help?!! How the #!#!!! was that helping?!!”

“Quit overreacting…You’re always so dramatic!”

“You insensitive #!!##%!!…thank you so much for caring!”

“Great…and now you have to get sarcastic just like your mother!”

Freeze frame.

What’s going on here?

This is called “life showing up in the midst of the relationship”, but certainly not the optimal management of such.

Let’s face it, there will be times when life suddenly and unexpectedly turns and throws you a wicked screwball.

These are the moments when you’re all tested to see how well you can manage stress, self, life and relationships.

Not always an easy juggling act.

But here are 7 simple steps and reminders that will prove to be helpful:

1.) When unexpected change occurs (like rapids in the river of life), do your best to communicate to each other about what you’re doing to respond to the situation. “Honey, I’m going to shift myself to the other side of the canoe…just wanted to let you know.”

Simple, right?

2.) In case the former (#1) does NOT occur, do your best to respond to the unexpected reaction of your partner in as graceful a way as possible. “I’m noticing you’re moving…what are you going to do next? What would be best for me to do?”

I know…sounds too simple, doesn’t it? The simple stuff is almost always best when it comes to effective communication.

3.)  And should the unfortunate happen and you accidentally get flung out of the comfort of your canoe into the river of life, it’s best to simply request some assistance first and foremost. “I was wondering if you could help me.”

Again, simple is simple…and best!

4.) Be reminded that the primary connection point in any relationship is the ability to understand and support each other. Too often, when an emotional charge is introduced, one or both people in the relationship turn their backs on each other or, worse yet, attack each other.

That’s a great way to sink the canoe in a hurry!

5.) That being said, it’s important to remind yourself that you can override your emotional state. Even though emotions are very powerful and sometimes seem to be in control, you and your logical mind actually have the final say.

Find your sanity and say something nice…yes, simple, right?!!

6.) When you get into the canoe, you might want to remind each other of the possibility of rapids. Although it’s impossible to plan for every change that occurs in life, it’s always good to have a proactive plan when you can.

7.) Listen first; speak later…then listen more; and speak much later. Active listening is your most powerful ally. It’ll keep you from saying something that you may regret later, as well as anything that could be potentially hurtful.

Remember: Your partner is a human being with emotions…do what YOU can to take care of those emotions…when you both do that, you have an unbeatable team against the stress, change and strain of life.

Then, when you have done all that, you’ll be able to dance in your relationship canoe and maintain the balance of life.

Yep, you will.

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

How do you manage yourself, your work-life balance, and at the same time, maintain physical and mental health, harmony in your family and an overall sense of happiness?

Life is challenging today and when additional pressures are added, without the proper resources, something can break down, resulting in decreased performance, poor health, unnecessary personal power struggles and an overall bad attitude.

The good news is that you can do something about all this.

It all starts with YOU managing YOU First!

Are YOU up for it?

Let’s look at some of the current research related to work-life balance (or the lack thereof) and career satisfaction:

1.   26% of U.S. adults report being on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown.

2.   40% of U.S. workers describe their office environment as “most like a real-life survivor program.”

3.   62% of U.S. workers routinely end the day with work-related neck pain, 44% report strained eyes, 38% complain of hand pain, and 34% report difficulty in sleeping due to work-related stress.

4.   26% of U.S. workers take no vacations at all.

5.   88% of U.S. employees say they have a hard time juggling work and life.

6.   70% of U.S. working fathers and working mothers report they don’t have enough time for their children.

7.   64% of Americans report that time pressures on working families are getting worse, not better.

8.   Americans work 137 more hours per year than Japanese workers, 260 more hours per year than British workers, and 499 more hours per year than French workers. The Japanese document approximately 10,000 cases per year of “death by overwork,” or karoosh. Considering the above stats, what must the undocumented U.S. numbers be??

9.   People in the U.S. work approximately 8 weeks longer per year than in 1969—in the space of a single generation—but for roughly the same income (after adjusting for inflation)

10. AND the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics tracks just about everything but worker satisfaction.

So…what does one make from all this?

Work-life balance? Where is it? It doesn’t seem to exist.

Let’s add in a few more “realities of life.”

• 50% of first marriages end in divorce. This goes up to 60% for second timers and 70% for third times.

Obviously changing partners is not the solution, but more importantly, take a look at what must be relational ignorance.

Relationship intelligence? Lacking, to say the least.

How, then, do we cope with all these work and relational challenges?

Not so well.

Here’s more:

• One in every five Americans suffers from a diagnosable mental condition and the majority of those people never receive treatment.

• Alcoholism and alcohol abuse are the third leading cause of the preventable deaths in the United States.

• From 1960 to 2006, the prevalence of obesity increased from 13.4% to 35.1% in U.S. adults age 20 to 74.

• 15 million people display some sign of gambling addiction.

• A VERY conservative estimate suggests that 3% – 5% of the U.S. population struggles with “sexual compulsion disorders.”

SO…what to do with all this?

Manage YOU First!

Yes, you must know how to manage you first.

What does this mean?

How about a new 13 Step Program?

1.)         Manage Your Personal Vision

2.)         Manage Your Life Purpose

3.)         Manage Your Unique Values

4.)         Manage Your Fear

5.)         Manage Your Past: Feel It, Heal It and Release It

6.)         Manage Your Emotions

7.)         Manage Your Thoughts

8.)         Manage Your Belief System

9.)         Manage Your Actions (and Reactions)

10.)      Manage Your Relationships

11.)      Manage Your Career

12.)      Manage Your Free Time

13.)      Manage Your Health

There…start with that.

Effectively manage these 13 steps and you’ll avoid being one of the above statistics.

Manage You First and you’ll win every time…you’ll win with your health, your career, your relationships, your happiness and, of course, your life.

More from Ken Donaldson…

And Marry YourSelf First!

I saw a report that said a man used a shared computer to log onto his wife’s e-mail account and discovered she was cheating. (I’m quite sure this isn’t the first time that this has happened…neither the cheating nor the snooping).

Evidently this guy has now been charged with felony computer misuse and faces five years in prison…Wow!! Do we really clutter our courtrooms with these ridiculous over-sensationalized relationship dysfunctions?

Really?!!

It is right or wrong for this guy to be charged (and maybe go to jail)?

Maybe that’s NOT the bigger issue.

There is something HUGE here on a more global level…it’s called “relationship intelligence” and there is a huge deficit of it in the world today.

If one of the people in a relationship has to snoop to find out what’s really going on, what does that say?

It suggests that there is a severe lack of openness and honesty (for starters).

How did it get this way?

When cases like this are brought into the light, it’s a great opportunity to look at the state of relationships in general.

When it comes to relationship intelligence, we have a failing grade.

Start with this: In mainstream education we don’t teach our kids anything about relationship skills, communication skills or how to deal with conflict, and many of us have had “less than desirable” role models growing up.

Boundaries, values and integrity…anyone have those classes?

Maybe we should let TV, movies and books with fictional stories teach us these things…right?

How about commitment, dedication and loyalty…maybe we should let these necessary dynamics of successful relationship occur by osmosis!

Getting back to the story, what do we really expect?

Openness and honesty?

No! Why should we? We’re surrounded by numerous drama-filled stories of deceit, deception and dishonesty that fill our airwaves, cable news headlines and newspapers every day.

And this case is just one of thousands of highly dysfunctional relationship situations that are occurring all the time.

As off the wall and odd as it may sound, how about we use these publicized relationship breakdowns as springboards to change things, rather than just sensational news items that become role models for future relationships?

I’m just asking…

What do you think? Feel free to leave a comment or two below.

More from Ken Donaldson…

Marry YourSelf First!

Sad, mad, scared, ashamed…who wants to be the first to talk about these feelings?

No hands went up and there were no volunteers…how come?

Is it because the idea of you actually controlling emotions seems too challenging?

Or perhaps you were brought up in an “emotionally detached” environment and emotional expression just feels too weird or uncomfortable.

But when the question is asked “how to control your emotions” every few people seem to have answers.

In fact, most people run when they hear questions about emotions or the mere conversation about emotions.

That is, of course, unless these same people are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, then for some strange reason they often get instantaneously comfortable, confident and courageous about expressing themselves and their emotions.

But that doesn’t really count, does it?

In fact, that may be one BIG reason why there is a huge drug and alcohol problem: People can only deal with their emotions while under the influence.

Sad, isn’t it?!!

Look at the following list of emotions and see what you feel when you read them:

• Joy    
• Sadness
• Trust
• Disgust
• Fear  
• Anger
• Surprise      
• Anticipation

Which feel the most comfortable?

And which feel the least comfortable?

Any idea why?

Most people are more at ease with “joy” or it’s close relative “happiness” than most of the others…why?

Some people aren’t even comfortable with these lighter and happier emotions.

When asking “why” it seems to be so challenging to express emotions, here are some things to consider:

1.) We are not typically taught much of anything about emotions. We have no classes and very little, if any, curriculum in mainstream education about emotions and the expression thereof. Therefore, we are all, by default, rather emotionally dumb.

2.) Many people are brought up in environments which had excessive emotions in one direction or another and because of this, these people often associate emotions as being dangerous, inappropriate or as an “out of control” experience. Therefore, there is conditioned response, much like a reflex, to avoid the emotions.

3.) Much of what is portrayed about emotions through various media outlets (TV, movies, books, etc.) is extremely distorted…Do you really want to have “The Simpsons” as your emotional role model? This adds to both the conditioned emotional avoidance response and low emotional intelligence.

The end result is that most people have very little, if any, solid foundation to explore or express emotions.

You could say that we’ve become rather emotionally ignorant.

So here’s the next question: How can you create better emotional health, more emotional connection and healthy resources to better control your emotions?

Here’s the simple answer: Make all your emotions okay.

Easier said than done, right?

Start by making a new rule: All your emotions are okay…no good ones and no bad ones, they are just all okay.

After all, (now get ready to hear this!!) they are ONLY emotions.

That’s right…ONLY emotions.

They don’t really mean anything.

BUT, people often attach a HUGE meaning to them and that’s what makes them so challenging.

When you get to the place where you can simply observe emotions, whether they are yours or others, you’ll find that without the meaning attached (which is usually a negative distortion), the emotion itself has very little charge to it.

AND ponder this: If you could, by some kind of act of modern science, bring “Younger You” into the present, what would you say to Younger You about all those emotions?

Probably that all emotions are all okay, normal and healthy, and that emotional expression is especially okay…right?!!

Then perhaps you could practice just that: Imagine having one of these imaginary conversations with Younger You…a “corrective conversation” that would give Younger You permission to have and express any and all emotions.

And the value of this? Your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference (in most cases) between what’s real and what’s imagined. Therefore when you use your imagination to your benefit (like in this simple practice) you actually leave a new, and positive, impression in the subconscious.

It’s like planting new seeds in your garden and these are the seeds of how you want things to be.

Take good care of these new seeds (“water the seeds” frequently) by spending a couple minutes each day with these new imagery exercises.

You’ll begin to change your reactions from the inside-out.

Work with all types of emotions, include them all, and make sure you include the love emotions…many people received many mixed messages here.

Improve your emotional intelligence and you’ll find all areas of your life improving.

And Marry YourSelf First!

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