Ken Donaldson: Get Smarter and Raise Your Relational Intelligence
You’ve seen the obvious trends: Increased numbers of divorces, more frequent domestic violence and an overall decrease in relationship intelligence.
We’re becoming relationship dummies.
It’s time to get smart and raise your Relational Intelligence (RQ)!
But how do you raise your RQ?
Let’s start by understanding three components of a highly intelligent relationship culture and what it takes to make healthy relationships:
First, let’s all learn how to effectively deal with conflict and differences.
Second, let’s practice commitment and apply commitment actions to make relationships last.
Third, let’s all be good relationship role models for our children and for future generations.
When we do that, we begin to break the dysfunctional cycle of divorce and domestic violence!
Additionally, it’s wise to know the healthy stages of the relationship continuum. Yes, relationships grow and develop through stages and if you don’t know the stages, then you’re bound to get lost and create relationship havoc for yourself and others.
It’s also worthwhile to know what the most common divorce predictors and indicators of relationship failure are. Always good to know what the early warning signs are!
Perhaps the biggest piece of relationship intelligence is knowing how to effectively communicate, especially with emotionally charged issues.
This is commonly referred to as the “intentional dialogue” and it has very specific techniques that help the people in the conversation stay in the conversation and manage the emotional state of the conversation.
As odd as it may sound, it’s also wise to create a proactive “Relationship Success Plan.” Actually, this only sounds odd because most people don’t do it. Always best to do this before you’re in a relationship, but is equally as valuable to create once you are in a relationship.
When you apply new methods of creating positive rituals in relationships, you also increase your RQ.
And when you understand how to increase positive energy in your relationships, your RQ is raised as well.
It’s time for us to realize that relationship education is no longer an option…it’s mandatory. Reading, writing and arithmetic are not going to prevent divorce, domestic violence or depression. We need life skills training that targets confidence building, self esteem enhancement and basic conflict resolution skills. This is the start to creating healthier individuals who can then create healthier relationships.
It’s time to create relationship education that will change our relationship priorities…that will make us relationally smarter….and raise our RQ!
I invite you to do something to help break these patterns and create a happy, healthy and more harmonious legacy for our future generations.
Go ahead…I dare you!
And Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson and Manage You First: The Fine Art of Dancing in the Relationship Canoe
“Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you.” ~Author Unknown
Imagine two lovers in a canoe fully enjoying the bliss of each other’s company as they’re paddling down this beautiful river of life.
Suddenly, one of them turns to adjust to some minor rapids…the canoe suddenly becomes unstable and the pleasure and harmony the two of them had been sharing suddenly disappears into fear and shock.
“What the heck are you doing?!!…Stop rocking the canoe,” one shouts to the other.
Then the unthinkable happens…one of them is flung from the canoe into the water.
And the blame game then commences.
“Look what you made me do…you made me fall into the water…you moron!”
“I was just trying to help…can’t you see that? Besides, you’ll dry off,” is a typical rational, but yet defensive response.
“Trying to help?!! How the #!#!!! was that helping?!!”
“Quit overreacting…You’re always so dramatic!”
“You insensitive #!!##%!!…thank you so much for caring!”
“Great…and now you have to get sarcastic just like your mother!”
Freeze frame.
What’s going on here?
This is called “life showing up in the midst of the relationship”, but certainly not the optimal management of such.
Let’s face it, there will be times when life suddenly and unexpectedly turns and throws you a wicked screwball.
These are the moments when you’re all tested to see how well you can manage stress, self, life and relationships.
Not always an easy juggling act.
But here are 7 simple steps and reminders that will prove to be helpful:
1.) When unexpected change occurs (like rapids in the river of life), do your best to communicate to each other about what you’re doing to respond to the situation. “Honey, I’m going to shift myself to the other side of the canoe…just wanted to let you know.”
Simple, right?
2.) In case the former (#1) does NOT occur, do your best to respond to the unexpected reaction of your partner in as graceful a way as possible. “I’m noticing you’re moving…what are you going to do next? What would be best for me to do?”
I know…sounds too simple, doesn’t it? The simple stuff is almost always best when it comes to effective communication.
3.) And should the unfortunate happen and you accidentally get flung out of the comfort of your canoe into the river of life, it’s best to simply request some assistance first and foremost. “I was wondering if you could help me.”
Again, simple is simple…and best!
4.) Be reminded that the primary connection point in any relationship is the ability to understand and support each other. Too often, when an emotional charge is introduced, one or both people in the relationship turn their backs on each other or, worse yet, attack each other.
That’s a great way to sink the canoe in a hurry!
5.) That being said, it’s important to remind yourself that you can override your emotional state. Even though emotions are very powerful and sometimes seem to be in control, you and your logical mind actually have the final say.
Find your sanity and say something nice…yes, simple, right?!!
6.) When you get into the canoe, you might want to remind each other of the possibility of rapids. Although it’s impossible to plan for every change that occurs in life, it’s always good to have a proactive plan when you can.
7.) Listen first; speak later…then listen more; and speak much later. Active listening is your most powerful ally. It’ll keep you from saying something that you may regret later, as well as anything that could be potentially hurtful.
Remember: Your partner is a human being with emotions…do what YOU can to take care of those emotions…when you both do that, you have an unbeatable team against the stress, change and strain of life.
Then, when you have done all that, you’ll be able to dance in your relationship canoe and maintain the balance of life.
Yep, you will.
Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson Says, Manage You First: New Beginnings…Beginning With You
How do you manage yourself, your work-life balance, and at the same time, maintain physical and mental health, harmony in your family and an overall sense of happiness?
Life is challenging today and when additional pressures are added, without the proper resources, something can break down, resulting in decreased performance, poor health, unnecessary personal power struggles and an overall bad attitude.
The good news is that you can do something about all this.
It all starts with YOU managing YOU First!
Are YOU up for it?
Let’s look at some of the current research related to work-life balance (or the lack thereof) and career satisfaction:
1. 26% of U.S. adults report being on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown.
2. 40% of U.S. workers describe their office environment as “most like a real-life survivor program.”
3. 62% of U.S. workers routinely end the day with work-related neck pain, 44% report strained eyes, 38% complain of hand pain, and 34% report difficulty in sleeping due to work-related stress.
4. 26% of U.S. workers take no vacations at all.
5. 88% of U.S. employees say they have a hard time juggling work and life.
6. 70% of U.S. working fathers and working mothers report they don’t have enough time for their children.
7. 64% of Americans report that time pressures on working families are getting worse, not better.
8. Americans work 137 more hours per year than Japanese workers, 260 more hours per year than British workers, and 499 more hours per year than French workers. The Japanese document approximately 10,000 cases per year of “death by overwork,” or karoosh. Considering the above stats, what must the undocumented U.S. numbers be??
9. People in the U.S. work approximately 8 weeks longer per year than in 1969—in the space of a single generation—but for roughly the same income (after adjusting for inflation)
10. AND the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics tracks just about everything but worker satisfaction.
So…what does one make from all this?
Work-life balance? Where is it? It doesn’t seem to exist.
Let’s add in a few more “realities of life.”
- 50% of first marriages end in divorce. This goes up to 60% for second timers and 70% for third times.
Obviously changing partners is not the solution, but more importantly, take a look at what must be relational ignorance.
Relationship intelligence? Lacking, to say the least.
How, then, do we cope with all these work and relational challenges?
Not so well.
Here’s more:
- One in every five Americans suffers from a diagnosable mental condition and the majority of those people never receive treatment.
- Alcoholism and alcohol abuse are the third leading cause of the preventable deaths in the United States.
- From 1960 to 2006, the prevalence of obesity increased from 13.4% to 35.1% in U.S. adults age 20 to 74.
- 15 million people display some sign of gambling addiction.
- A VERY conservative estimate suggests that 3% – 5% of the U.S. population struggles with “sexual compulsion disorders.”
SO…what to do with all this?
Manage YOU First!
Yes, you must know how to manage you first.
What does this mean?
How about a new 13 Step Program?
1.) Manage Your Personal Vision
2.) Manage Your Life Purpose
3.) Manage Your Unique Values
4.) Manage Your Fear
5.) Manage Your Past: Feel It, Heal It and Release It
6.) Manage Your Emotions
7.) Manage Your Thoughts
8.) Manage Your Belief System
9.) Manage Your Actions (and Reactions)
10.) Manage Your Relationships
11.) Manage Your Career
12.) Manage Your Free Time
13.) Manage Your Health
There…start with that.
Effectively manage these 13 steps and you’ll avoid being one of the above statistics.
Manage You First and you’ll win every time…you’ll win with your health, your career, your relationships, your happiness and, of course, your life.
And Marry YourSelf First!
Coach Ken Donaldson and The State of Relationship Affairs
I saw a report that said a man used a shared computer to log onto his wife’s e-mail account and discovered she was cheating. (I’m quite sure this isn’t the first time that this has happened…neither the cheating nor the snooping).
Evidently this guy has now been charged with felony computer misuse and faces five years in prison…Wow!! Do we really clutter our courtrooms with these ridiculous over-sensationalized relationship dysfunctions?
Really?!!
It is right or wrong for this guy to be charged (and maybe go to jail)?
Maybe that’s NOT the bigger issue.
There is something HUGE here on a more global level…it’s called “relationship intelligence” and there is a huge deficit of it in the world today.
If one of the people in a relationship has to snoop to find out what’s really going on, what does that say?
It suggests that there is a severe lack of openness and honesty (for starters).
How did it get this way?
When cases like this are brought into the light, it’s a great opportunity to look at the state of relationships in general.
When it comes to relationship intelligence, we have a failing grade.
Start with this: In mainstream education we don’t teach our kids anything about relationship skills, communication skills or how to deal with conflict, and many of us have had “less than desirable” role models growing up.
Boundaries, values and integrity…anyone have those classes?
Maybe we should let TV, movies and books with fictional stories teach us these things…right?
How about commitment, dedication and loyalty…maybe we should let these necessary dynamics of successful relationship occur by osmosis!
Getting back to the story, what do we really expect?
Openness and honesty?
No! Why should we? We’re surrounded by numerous drama-filled stories of deceit, deception and dishonesty that fill our airwaves, cable news headlines and newspapers every day.
And this case is just one of thousands of highly dysfunctional relationship situations that are occurring all the time.
As off the wall and odd as it may sound, how about we use these publicized relationship breakdowns as springboards to change things, rather than just sensational news items that become role models for future relationships?
I’m just asking…
What do you think? Feel free to leave a comment or two below.
Marry YourSelf First!
Coach Ken Donaldson: Why Are Emotions So Tough Or Are They
Sad, mad, scared, ashamed…who wants to be the first to talk about these feelings?
No hands went up and there were no volunteers…how come?
Is it because the idea of you actually controlling emotions seems too challenging?
Or perhaps you were brought up in an “emotionally detached” environment and emotional expression just feels too weird or uncomfortable.
But when the question is asked “how to control your emotions” every few people seem to have answers.
In fact, most people run when they hear questions about emotions or the mere conversation about emotions.
That is, of course, unless these same people are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, then for some strange reason they often get instantaneously comfortable, confident and courageous about expressing themselves and their emotions.
But that doesn’t really count, does it?
In fact, that may be one BIG reason why there is a huge drug and alcohol problem: People can only deal with their emotions while under the influence.
Sad, isn’t it?!!
Look at the following list of emotions and see what you feel when you read them:
- Joy
- Sadness
- Trust
- Disgust
- Fear
- Anger
- Surprise
- Anticipation
Which feel the most comfortable?
And which feel the least comfortable?
Any idea why?
Most people are more at ease with “joy” or it’s close relative “happiness” than most of the others…why?
Some people aren’t even comfortable with these lighter and happier emotions.
When asking “why” it seems to be so challenging to express emotions, here are some things to consider:
1.) We are not typically taught much of anything about emotions. We have no classes and very little, if any, curriculum in mainstream education about emotions and the expression thereof. Therefore, we are all, by default, rather emotionally dumb.
2.) Many people are brought up in environments which had excessive emotions in one direction or another and because of this, these people often associate emotions as being dangerous, inappropriate or as an “out of control” experience. Therefore, there is conditioned response, much like a reflex, to avoid the emotions.
3.) Much of what is portrayed about emotions through various media outlets (TV, movies, books, etc.) is extremely distorted…Do you really want to have “The Simpsons” as your emotional role model? This adds to both the conditioned emotional avoidance response and low emotional intelligence.
The end result is that most people have very little, if any, solid foundation to explore or express emotions.
You could say that we’ve become rather emotionally ignorant.
So here’s the next question: How can you create better emotional health, more emotional connection and healthy resources to better control your emotions?
Here’s the simple answer: Make all your emotions okay.
Easier said than done, right?
Start by making a new rule: All your emotions are okay…no good ones and no bad ones, they are just all okay.
After all, (now get ready to hear this!!) they are ONLY emotions.
That’s right…ONLY emotions.
They don’t really mean anything.
BUT, people often attach a HUGE meaning to them and that’s what makes them so challenging.
When you get to the place where you can simply observe emotions, whether they are yours or others, you’ll find that without the meaning attached (which is usually a negative distortion), the emotion itself has very little charge to it.
AND ponder this: If you could, by some kind of act of modern science, bring “Younger You” into the present, what would you say to Younger You about all those emotions?
Probably that all emotions are all okay, normal and healthy, and that emotional expression is especially okay…right?!!
Then perhaps you could practice just that: Imagine having one of these imaginary conversations with Younger You…a “corrective conversation” that would give Younger You permission to have and express any and all emotions.
And the value of this? Your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference (in most cases) between what’s real and what’s imagined. Therefore when you use your imagination to your benefit (like in this simple practice) you actually leave a new, and positive, impression in the subconscious.
It’s like planting new seeds in your garden and these are the seeds of how you want things to be.
Take good care of these new seeds (“water the seeds” frequently) by spending a couple minutes each day with these new imagery exercises.
You’ll begin to change your reactions from the inside-out.
Work with all types of emotions, include them all, and make sure you include the love emotions…many people received many mixed messages here.
Improve your emotional intelligence and you’ll find all areas of your life improving.
And Marry YourSelf First!
Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
Visit me at The Tampa Bay Examiner
Find me on:
