The Heartbroken, Heartbreaking Heart Break and What You Can Do
Filed under: Ken Donaldson's Blog, assertive, boundaries, communication, dating, divorce, heartbreak, marry yourself first, relationship, singles, therapy
I was recently asked to respond to some questions about heart break and the people who are heartbroken or who’ve had a heartbreaking experience for an upcoming article in a major publication. I won’t know if they’ll use any of this for quite a while, but I welcome your input to really make this the best possible.
Below are the questions they posed to me and my “off the top of head” responses.
What other questions would be good to ask regarding break-ups and heart break? What might I be missing or overseeing? How else do you think I can help the heartbroken? What else do you think I can do to prevent future heartbreaking experiences?
Feel free to comment below.
1. What is the biggest challenge with people trying to overcome heartbreak?
Getting through the pain is the biggest challenge. Plain and simple. It sometimes feels like it’s going to last forever. Or that you’re forever scarred. Sometimes minutes seem like weeks and days seem like years. And then there’s also all the racing thoughts: Trying to figure it all out. “Why did this happen?” and “What did I do wrong?” are common, but the Mac-Daddy is “Why does this always happen to me?”The biggest challenge is staying out of the blame game and not feeling like a victim.
In other words, the biggest challenge is figuring out how to move on without resentment, guilt or shame. How to get back on your life-path and go forward with hope and optimism.
2. What is the best thing to do when you have had your heart broken?
Give yourself time…as much as you need. Talk about it with your friends if you need to and write about it if that helps. But more than anything else give it time.
Yes, time does heal all wounds, especially if you give yourself guilt-free, shame-free and resentment-free time.
Yes, it’s good to review and see what happened. See what you can learn for your future. See what you can glean from it to make your future relationships even better.
It’s also good to look at this as something that happened, not something that someone “did to you.”
Stay out of the victim role. Sometimes these things just happen and they don’t make any sense. They just happen.
3. Should you see your “ex”?
Yes…No…Maybe.
It all depends on a number of dynamics. If seeing your ex only makes you feel worse, then no. If the two of you fight or argue (maybe just like the “old days”), then no again.
But if the two of you can have a good conversation, or better yet, a healing conversation, then sure, go ahead and see each other. Can the two of you celebrate the wonderful times you spent together? Can you tell each other what you appreciate about each other? Can you, in a loving way, also share with each other what didn’t work, or what was unacceptable?
Perhaps you can even kindle a friendship from this. Give this all the time it needs and don’t try to rush it.
Remember that this may be a very vulnerable time and you may not be seeing things clearly if there is still a lot of emotion going on.
4. How should people who have separated but have children together behave around one another? What if one partner is mean to the other?
This is a very important element, perhaps even the most important. The children did not do anything to cause this, as this is between the two of you. So at least agree on one rule: Do NOT put the children in the middle nor use them as pawns.
At the very least, speak of each other in a neutral way. Try, however, to be complimentary of each other. And if you think you can hide feelings of anger or resentment from your kids, you’re mistaken. They’ll pick up on it, although they most likely will not say anything about it.
Allow the children to talk about their feelings, but also give them their space. Be respectful of them.
If one parent is mean, just make sure you don’t respond in the same way. Also, even though that would be a great opportunity to speak negatively about your ex, don’t do it. Again, at the very least, stay neutral.
If the kids want to talk about the other parent’s anger or meanness, allow them the safe space to do so.
If this is an ongoing dynamic, then bringing a professional counselor into the mix would be highly recommended.
5. How should you talk about your partner in front of your children?
Again, at least be neutral, and try your very best to be positive and complimentary.
6. What should people do as they recover from a broken heart?
This is a time for recovery and recovery takes many different paths for different people. Some depression is normal, although you don’t want to “feed” the depression. Sunshine, fresh air and gently moving the body are all good natural antidotes for this type of situational depression. Use your support system and surround yourself with compassionate and understanding people. Realize, however, that some people don’t know what to do or what to say, so sometimes they do or say things that can be counterproductive.
Music, dance and artwork are all forms of self-expression that can be very helpful in the healing process.
Joining a support group or a therapy group can also be beneficial.
But remember that recovery takes time and there is no hurry to “get back out there.”
It’s wise to thoroughly review what happened, when you’re ready, and see what you can learn…see what you can carry forward to improve your life and your future relationships.
7. What should people NOT do as they recover from a broken heart?
The worse things you can do:
• Immediately start dating again. You’ll most likely carry all the hurt, anger and whatever else you’re feeling right into the next relationship. Also, you’re thinking and “picking mechanism” is not going to be grounded and clear during this time, so you’re most likely to get into something that could be highly dysfunctional.
• Get into the blame game. It’s easy to take the other person’s inventory and look at everything they did wrong or bad, even if they did do inappropriate things. But what’s the point? The more time and energy you spend focused on that, the longer it’ll take you to move on.
• Get into the victim mentality. How about this: It’s no one’s fault. It just happened…period. Even though it might not make sense and even though there may be many unanswered questions, this is the time to heal and begin to move forward. Instead of getting into “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I can’t believe he-she did this to me,” or how about “live and let live,” as the people in AA say, just pay attention to what you need right now.
This also includes getting into lengthy discussions with your friends about how bad he or she was. It’s time to release and mend your own heart. Staying focused on the pain will only keep you focused on the pain.
8. When is the best time to start dating again after your heart has been broken?
There is no defined timetable as this depends a lot on each person and each unique relationship situation. Better to go slow than fast, as a rule. Socializing with your friends is great, probably sooner than later, but dating needs to have no rush. Many people dive into another relationship as a way to avoid the pain from the former one and usually only make things worse for themselves. When you do start to date again, go slow. Ask a lot of questions and remember what you learned from you past relationship. Perhaps your last relationship opened some insights to yourself; things you didn’t know about yourself previously. Play those new insights forward and create new boundaries for yourself. Be cautious, but also keep shuffling your feet forward.
Funny how we say “fall” in love when the word fall typically means something not so good. Maybe this next time you’ll gracefully tip-toe into love or walk into love.
(This is also where I’d want to put in a shameless plug for Marry YourSelf First, but they aren’t allowing any free PR!)
9. What advice do you have for people who are having trouble opening their hearts up again after a breakup?
Sometimes this happens and it is quite common and normal. This is where it may be good to seek out a professional counselor to help free you up. The mind sometimes plays tricks on us, causing us to think there is still some threat, when actually there is not. Go slow, use your support system thoroughly, including your counselor, and ask a lot of questions and evaluate. It’s okay to go slow…go as slow as you need. Take care of you!
10. How should you approach dating after going through a breakup?
Go slow and be thorough. Remember what you’ve learned. Think from your head, not your heart, meaning you need to make sure that you’re clear about your deal-makers and deal-breakers and that you stick to your boundaries and limits. If you’re not sure about all this, then it’s time to get clear. Use your support system to help, or maybe even a counselor if you can’t figure this out for yourself.
11. What is the best advice you can give to someone going through a breakup?
Decide that it’s done if it’s truly done and begin to heal, recover and move on. Too many people go back and forth unnecessarily, causing more pain. If you haven’t done everything possible, then perhaps you’ll want to get a counselor involved, but at some point you have to decide to either repair the relationship, or move on.
Limbo-land will drain the life out of you.
Surround yourself with truly loving, supportive and compassionate people. Don’t allow the negative people to bombard you with conversation about how bad he or she was.
Leave Your Comments Below…
And Marry YourSelf First Every Day!
Top 20 Benefits of Creating a Vision Map
Filed under: Ken Donaldson's Blog, Law of Attraction, boundaries, health, life purpose, love, marriage, marry yourself first, relationship, success, vision map, work life balance
Want more passion, power, purpose and peace in your life?
Then make yourself a Vision Map…better, yet, join me for the next Vision Map workshop…scroll down for more information.
1.) Your Vision Map will better define your life purpose.
2.) Your Vision Map will keep you better aligned with your values.
3.) Your Vision Map will reinforce your boundaries.
4.) Your Vision Map will guide you to happier and healthier relationships.
5.) Your Vision Map will give your career a boost…and maybe the change it’s needed.
6.) Your Vision Map will add more balance to your life.
7.) Your Vision Map will help you stay more focused on your goals.
8.) Your Vision Map will help to make your priorities more clear.
9.) Your Vision Map will get you better tuned in to your spirituality.
10.) Your Vision Map will empower you.
11.) Your Vision Map will help you pick better friends.
12.) Your Vision Map will enhance your health.
13.) Your Vision Map will get you more connected with your creativity.
14.) Your Vision Map will help you get more fun in your life.
15.) Your Vision Map is a great stress management tool.
16.) Your Vision Map will remind you of your greatness.
17.) Your Vision Map will give you a daily affirmation.
18.) Your Vision Map will help you stay focused on your future (instead of your past).
19.) Your Vision Map will help you embrace positive changes in your life.
20.) Your Vision Map will give you the vision you need to get to where you truly deserve – and desire – to be in life.
Click here for the official page of the next 201o Vision Map workshop at Yoga Village in Clearwater.
And Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson Introduces W. Clement Stone: BE GENEROUS!
Filed under: Law of Attraction, adversity, marry yourself first, success
Be generous! Give to those whom you love; give to those who love you; give to the fortunate; give to the unfortunate; yes—give especially to those to whom you don’t want to give.
Your most precious, valued possessions and your greatest powers are invisible and intangible. No one can take them. You, and you alone, can give them. You will receive abundance for your giving. The more you give—the more you will have!
Give a smile to everyone you meet (smile with your eyes)—and you’ll smile and receive smiles.
Give a kind word (with a kindly thought behind the word)—you will be kind and receive kind words.
Give honor, credit and applause (the victor’s wreath)—you will be honorable and receive credit and applause.
Give time for a worthy cause (with eagerness)—you will be worthy and richly rewarded.
Give hope (the magic ingredient for success)—you will have hope and be made hopeful.
Give happiness (a most treasured state of mind)—you will be happy and be made happy.
Give encouragement (the incentive to action)—you will have courage and be encouraged.
Give cheer (the verbal sunshine)—you’ll be cheerful and cheered.
Give a pleasant response (the neutralizer of irritants)—you will be pleasant and receive pleasant responses.
Give good thoughts (nature’s character builder)—you will be good and the world will have good thoughts for you.
Give prayers (the instrument of miracles) for the godless and the godly—you will be reverent and receive blessings, more than you deserve!
Be generous! Give!
~W. Clement Stone
Marry YourSelf First Every Day in Every Way!
Ken Donaldson introduces Jim Rohn
FAILURE AND SUCCESS
Quotes from Jim Rohn
Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person you become.
Failure is not a single, cataclysmic event.
You don’t fail overnight. Instead, failure is a few errors in judgment, repeated every day.
Don’t take the casual approach to life. Casualness leads to casualties.
Success is the study of the obvious. Everyone should take Obvious I and Obvious II in school.
It’s too bad failures don’t give seminars. Wouldn’t that be valuable?
If you meet a guy who has messed up his life for forty years, you’ve just got to say, “John, if I bring my journal and promise to take good notes, would you spend a day with me?”
Success is not so much what we have as it is what we are.
Success is 20% skills and 80% strategy.
You might know how to read, but more importantly, what’s your plan to read?
Average people look for ways of getting away with it; successful people look for ways of getting on with it.
These quotes are by Jim Rohn, America’s Foremost Business Philosopher. To subscribe to the Free Jim Rohn Weekly E-zine, go to www.jimrohn.com Excerpted from The Treasury of Quotes by Jim Rohn. Copyright © 1994-2008 Jim Rohn International. All rights reserved worldwide.
Marry YourSelf First and The ABC’s of Success
The ABC’s of Success
A stands for Attraction; more specifically the Law of Attraction.
The Law of Attraction states that like energies attract each other.
Positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. Therefore,
if you are putting out negative energy you will therefore attract negative
energy into your life. Likewise, if you are putting out positive energy
you will attract positive energy into your life.
So the question is: What vibration are you sending out? If it is negative,
how about experimenting with some new ways of managing your life
to create more positive energy?
See Chapter 2 in Marry YourSelf First!: Doing the Abun-Dance:
The Law of Attraction and the Art of Prosperous Living
http://kendonaldson.com/store/
B stands for Boundaries; and that includes both the boundaries
you have with others and the boundaries you have with yourself.
Saying “No” to something that is unacceptable is an example of a boundary,
as is assertively and proactively asking for what you do want.
Your boundaries with yourself will determine how much balance you have
in your life. Knowing where to end one part of your life (i.e.: Work) and
begin another (i.e.: Family) will help you to stay in touch with your whole
being and therefore create more balance, which, in turn, always results in a
happier and healthier lifestyle.
Do you know your boundaries and are you living according to them?
See Chapters 4 and 5 in Marry YourSelf First!:
4 – The Apples in the Apple Pie:
Knowing What You’ve Got to Have, Want to Have, and Will Not Settle For
And
5- Juggling Bowling Balls While Walking Across Hot Coals:
The Balance Challenge of Life
http://kendonaldson.com/store/
C stands for Communication; specifically your ability to attain and
maintain productive communication with others.
Do you know how to avoid getting “hooked” by another’s
manipulative maneuvering? Do you speak up for yourself,
express your feelings and make your requests directly?
These are all examples of healthy communication skills.
And perhaps the biggest communication skill is that of listening. Do
you know how to combine martial artistry with your listening ability to
create a space of “Zen Listening” in which you can be unaffected by
what another may say but still stay in the conversation?
See Chapter 7 in Marry YourSelf First!: Communication Poker:
Knowing When to Hold `em, Show `em and Fold `em
http://kendonaldson.com/store/
D stands for Deal-makers and Deal-breakers; specifically
your ability to know them and adhere to them.
If you have not written your lists of deal-makers and deal-breakers,
then you are potentially setting yourself up to settle for something
or someone beneath your standards. When you settle for less you
impact your self-esteem and distort your sense of reality.
The bottom-line is that living life without knowing or adhering to
your deal-makers and deal-breakers sets you up for failure, depression,
anxiety and addictive behavior. Now, you don’t want any of that, right??!!
Write your Deal-makers and Deal-breakers lists TODAY!!
See Chapters 4, 5, 6 and 8 in Marry YourSelf First!:
6- Getting the Love: Surrounding Yourself with
Supportive Networks and Communities
And
8- Building Your House on Solid Ground:
Understanding the Relationship Hierarchy
http://kendonaldson.com/store/
E stands for Emotional Management; specifically the
management of the “slipperier” emotions.
This would include anger, fear and sadness.
Most of us have not had any training on how to deal
with these so we have made up our own “rules” about these emotions.
Many of these “rules” are very unrealistic and unhealthy.
The bottom-line is that you are an emotional being and you have every
right to feel and express your feelings as long as you do no harm to
others as you are expressing yourself.
Fear is perhaps THE most challenging emotion, but remember:
You can have FEAR (Fictitious Events Appearing Real) or
FEAR (Face Everything And Rejoice).
Which do you choose??
See Chapters 3 and 9 in Marry YourSelf First!:
3- In Search of the Missing Donut Hole: Your Soul Print
And
9- If It Feels Weird, Do It:
Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone and Into Your Growth Zone
http://kendonaldson.com/store/
There you go: A whole new way of living your
ABC’s that you’ll never be too old for!!
And a few more valid reasons to Marry YourSelf First!
http://kendonaldson.com/store/
Read more from Ken Donaldson here…
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