Fight, Flight, Fear or Free
Filed under: adversity, anxiety, boundaries, emotions, empowerment, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first, positive thinking
Dr. Tom Hanson recently released his latest book, Play Big.
If you don’t know Dr. Tom, he’s a Tampa-based sports psychologist whose niche is helping baseball players (professional and amateur) perform optimally.
More than anything else, he helps these athletes get the inside game won.
Play Big is a fictional story about a player struggling with hitting the ball (only known as “number 21”) who serendipitously meets this extremely shrewd sage who has no name but is very wise about knowing how to win the inside game of baseball (and life).
Think The Peaceful Warrior meets Field of Dreams.
On page 179 the sage introduces the “inner caveman” as the survival and safety mechanism everyone has in their brain.
When the inner caveman perceives a threat, whether it’s real or imagined, it sets off an alarm to be on guard.
When most people feel this alarm they perceive it as anxiety and usually tense up and back away from whatever the perceived threat is.
The problem with that response pattern, whether you’re playing baseball or just interacting with life, is when you tense up and/or back away, you never perform optimally.
This is an overreaction of the “fight or flight” mechanism of the brain, known more formally as the sympathetic nervous system.
When a baseball player steps up to the plate and is in a state of fight or flight, his muscles tighten up too much and he is not able to swing the bat with his natural and instinctual capabilities.
These natural capabilities are actually wired for high performance.
Yes the athlete (and everyone, including you) is wired to succeed and excel at a very high level.
More simply put, you are wired for greatness.
The ONLY thing that gets in the way is the overreactive fight or flight mechanism.
Yes…the mind simply malfunctions at times without you truly knowing why or how.
But what activates the fight or flight mechanism?
Fear.
Fear of failure and rejection to be exact.
Back to the caveman: He needed his tribe to survive, so any threat to being ostracized from the tribe would literally be life-threatening.
In spite of all the information and technological advances and discoveries made over time, the human brain is exactly the same as caveman days.
No…there is no human brain 2.0!
This means if your inner caveman perceives that a failure may lead to rejection, which may in turn lead to being ostracized, then the sympathetic nervous system is activated and you will not perform optimally if you happen to be playing baseball.
This same dynamic is also occurs in all areas of your life and as long as it reacts this way you will not perform optimally.
Not even close, in fact.
This is why the fear of failure and the fear of rejection are so prevalent (and so destructive).
Dr. Tom really didn’t write this book for the athlete; he wrote it for everyone, as everyone can benefit from this technology.
The next question: How does someone change this response pattern?
Simple…they think differently and create a different emotional response.
Here’s an example: Think about something you do every day without much attention. Something that is almost automatic. Maybe driving, or brushing your teeth or putting on your clothes.
Most people do these tasks, and most daily tasks, automatically and very confidently.
So confidently, in fact, that they don’t even think about it much or at all.
When you engage in one of these activities, you’re being unconsciously confident and competent.
Now imagine you’re able to recreate that same automatically confident energy in other tasks that maybe have been anxiety producing in the past.
What happens when you do?
You feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful.
And when you feel calmer, more at ease and more peaceful, you automatically feel more confident and perform optimally.
You feel free. Welcome to your greatness!
So, when you visualize yourself doing anything, always see yourself doing it with great ease, calm and peace…breathe deeply and smile, as your body will automatically calm itself with breathing and smiling.
(Yes, stress, deep breathing and smiling cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Stress is overruled by a big smile and a deep breath, and then cast out.)
And remember to stop by and say thanks to Dr. Tom….sneaky guy he is trying to convince the world that this book is about baseball.
Play Big is about life and how to win in a way that will bring you the most happiness and freedom.
That is what you want, right?
And Marry YourSelf First!
Five Words To Change Your Life
Filed under: addiction, depression, divorce, Ken Donaldson's Blog, marry yourself first
Five words that can change your life: Hope, Cope, Survive, Thrive, Soar.
These five words can, do and will continue to change and save lives.
Hope: Not the wishful thinking (“I hope I win the lotto”) type, but “the true inner feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” (Dictionary.com)
Imagine if you knew how to instantaneously tap into hope whenever you needed it, for whatever reason.
Hope keeps you going in the face of doubt, fear and the great unknown.
Hope keeps you from giving up and, instead, develops your perseverance and persistence muscles.
Hope is the inner seed that is necessary to continue to go forward into action.
Cope: Once you have hope as your foundation, you can now go into action. Cope is “to struggle or deal, especially on fairly even terms or with some degree of success.” (Dictionary.com)
When you cope you get by. No matter how small it might be, progress is made.
Coping is the beginning of creating positive momentum for your life.
You begin to see how your efforts are moving you forward.
You also know how to deal with challenges, struggles and even failure, and keep moving.
Hope + Cope = Survive
Survive means “to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some occurrence.” (Dictionary.com)
As you build on hope and cope, you develop survival skills. These skills begin to occur automatically because you have practiced them and have developed some confidence around them.
Surviving means you have gotten yourself to a place of stability…ground level zero.
You have recovered successfully.
Many people survive, but never grow past this point.
Many people get comfortable with surviving.
Remember, life is a progression:
Hope > Cope > Survive > Thrive
Thrive means “to prosper; be fortunate or successful, to grow or develop vigorously; flourish.” (Dictionary.com)
When you thrive you are building on the foundation of hope, well developed coping skills and having established yourself as a survivor.
Thriving is a willingness to go beyond the norm.
Beyond average.
Beyond mediocre.
Beyond what you already know and into the great unknown.
Thriving means to take significant risks, because you are going past where you’ve ever been and perhaps, as well, beyond where anyone else has been before.
Thriving means you are willing to stand up, stand out and make a stand for what you believe.
It means letting go of ego, fear and the need to impress others.
Thriving means to be not just outside the box, but to destroy the box and create your own new paradigm.
Perhaps this is the master success formula for life:
Hope + Cope + Survive + Thrive = Soar
Soar means “to rise or aspire to a higher or more exalted level.” (Dictionary.com)
Thriving sets the tone for soaring. Whereas thriving takes tremendous effort, soaring is the outcome from all that hard work, effort and risk
Just like an eagle soars in the thermals, you too will enjoy soaring through your life as you follow this progression.
Soaring is the positive consequence for hard work, many risks and always keeping the ego (and fear) in check.
Soaring does require a huge commitment to be extremely responsible and accountable due to your high level of visibility.
Many people choose not to soar because they don’t want to be seen as the “center of attention.”
Soaring is not accomplished to be in the limelight, although it often results in such.
To soar, you must shed your ego and have no worries what others will think, say or do in response to your soaring.
To soar is to have reached the pinnacle of life.
It is also from where you must be willing to be a role model at the highest level and a mentor to others who seek to accomplish the same.
Hope.
Cope.
Survive.
Thrive.
Soar.
These five words describe what we all need to stay on the positive side of life.
Addiction, depression and divorce, for example, scarcely exist when you live in the progression of hope, cope, survive, thrive and soar.
These are the stepping stones of greatness.
Will you step up, step out and step into your greatness?
Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson on Manage You First: Less Stress, More Success and Happiness
Let’s get back to the basics.
You want less stress.
You want more success.
You want more happiness.
Right?
Then you MUST effectively “Manage You First.”
So, what’s the problem?
Simple: You might just not know how to do that!
Did you have a class in self-management?
Most likely not.
Did you have a class in stress management?
Doubtful.
Did you have a class in success?
Hardly.
Did you have a class (what!!) in happiness?
Nope.
That is, unless you went WAY off the beaten path, which a small percentage of people do.
5% would be a liberal estimate.
Most people, like you, didn’t get the training, mentoring, education or experience.
But you still want it.
You want less stress, more success and happiness.
There’s a simple formula, but before we go there, let’s ask, “Why?”
Why would you want to be happier?
Here are four reasons you might be interested in:
• Happier people live longer
• Happier people live healthier lives
• Happier people make more money
• Happier people do better at work
Intrigued?
Here’s another question: How do YOU define success?
This is the question that trips up many people.
And is there a correlation between your happiness and your success?
Many people define their success by their dollars, position at work, material possessions, status in the community, and/or public recognition.
What about you?
How do YOU define success (yes, you were just asked for the second time!)?
People who don’t consciously define what success is for themselves generally allow, by default, the socio-cultural norms to dictate it for them.
This is what Ralph Waldo Emerson determined to be his definition of success:
To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!
Here are a few other “success quotes”:
Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value. ~Albert Einstein
Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won’t taste good. ~Joe Paterno
Eighty percent of success is showing up. ~Woody Allen
As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it’s leaning against the right building. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. ~Winston Churchill
It’s interesting that these notable quotes from highly esteemed people have very little, if any, focus on “dollars, position at work, material possessions, status in the community, and/or public recognition.”
One other question: What is stress?
Here’s what the dictionary says:
A constraining force or influence: as
a.) a force exerted when one body or body part presses on, pulls on, pushes against, or tends to compress or twist another body or body part; especially the intensity of this mutual force commonly expressed in pounds per square inch
b.) the deformation caused in a body by such a force
c.) a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation
d.) a state resulting from a stress; especially: one of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium
Let’s go with this one: A physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation.
In other words, we don’t want too much of this.
But let’s more closely examine one part of this definition: Mental tension.
Is mental tension bad?
Maybe…maybe not.
Think about an athlete: An athlete MUST have extreme mental tension in order to be at the top of their game, whatever their game is.
If they don’t have mental tension, they are not in the game.
Same thing goes for performers, professional speakers, entrepreneurs, executives…geez, all of these people have a high level of both responsibility and accountability.
The key for them, and for you, is how to effectively manage that mental tension.
Too many people feel it and then either run from it, get so scared that they become paralyzed by it or try to self-medicate it though drugs, alcohol or other addictive behavior.
So let’s get back to the simple formula for “Less Stress, More Success and Happiness.”
1.) Be clear about your personal definition of success. Spend some time with this. Write it down and revisit it often. Make sure you stay on that path of success.
2.) Get clear that happiness is much more based on your “inside game” than the “outer results”. You cannot control much of what happens outside you (weather, politics, the economy, etc.) but you always have a choice of how you want to respond and how you want to be on the inside.
3.) Reframe stress to become more user-friendly and have some simple stress management tools. Deep breathing, creative visualization, walks outside, exercise, connecting with friends, journaling, singing and dancing are but a few of the many stress reducing actions you can take almost anytime and anywhere (be a bit careful about singing and dancing at work!).
If you truly want Less Stress, More Success and Happiness, you now officially have the simple formula.
Feel free to tweak it, of course, to make it better fit you and your unique life.
Remember: Manage You First and everything else will follow!
And Marry YourSelf First!
Ken Donaldson Says, Manage You First: New Beginnings…Beginning With You
Filed under: Ken Donaldson's Blog, life purpose, marry yourself first, mental health, relationship, success, time management, vision map, work, work life balance
How do you manage yourself, your work-life balance, and at the same time, maintain physical and mental health, harmony in your family and an overall sense of happiness?
Life is challenging today and when additional pressures are added, without the proper resources, something can break down, resulting in decreased performance, poor health, unnecessary personal power struggles and an overall bad attitude.
The good news is that you can do something about all this.
It all starts with YOU managing YOU First!
Are YOU up for it?
Let’s look at some of the current research related to work-life balance (or the lack thereof) and career satisfaction:
1. 26% of U.S. adults report being on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown.
2. 40% of U.S. workers describe their office environment as “most like a real-life survivor program.”
3. 62% of U.S. workers routinely end the day with work-related neck pain, 44% report strained eyes, 38% complain of hand pain, and 34% report difficulty in sleeping due to work-related stress.
4. 26% of U.S. workers take no vacations at all.
5. 88% of U.S. employees say they have a hard time juggling work and life.
6. 70% of U.S. working fathers and working mothers report they don’t have enough time for their children.
7. 64% of Americans report that time pressures on working families are getting worse, not better.
8. Americans work 137 more hours per year than Japanese workers, 260 more hours per year than British workers, and 499 more hours per year than French workers. The Japanese document approximately 10,000 cases per year of “death by overwork,” or karoosh. Considering the above stats, what must the undocumented U.S. numbers be??
9. People in the U.S. work approximately 8 weeks longer per year than in 1969—in the space of a single generation—but for roughly the same income (after adjusting for inflation)
10. AND the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics tracks just about everything but worker satisfaction.
So…what does one make from all this?
Work-life balance? Where is it? It doesn’t seem to exist.
Let’s add in a few more “realities of life.”
- 50% of first marriages end in divorce. This goes up to 60% for second timers and 70% for third times.
Obviously changing partners is not the solution, but more importantly, take a look at what must be relational ignorance.
Relationship intelligence? Lacking, to say the least.
How, then, do we cope with all these work and relational challenges?
Not so well.
Here’s more:
- One in every five Americans suffers from a diagnosable mental condition and the majority of those people never receive treatment.
- Alcoholism and alcohol abuse are the third leading cause of the preventable deaths in the United States.
- From 1960 to 2006, the prevalence of obesity increased from 13.4% to 35.1% in U.S. adults age 20 to 74.
- 15 million people display some sign of gambling addiction.
- A VERY conservative estimate suggests that 3% – 5% of the U.S. population struggles with “sexual compulsion disorders.”
SO…what to do with all this?
Manage YOU First!
Yes, you must know how to manage you first.
What does this mean?
How about a new 13 Step Program?
1.) Manage Your Personal Vision
2.) Manage Your Life Purpose
3.) Manage Your Unique Values
4.) Manage Your Fear
5.) Manage Your Past: Feel It, Heal It and Release It
6.) Manage Your Emotions
7.) Manage Your Thoughts
8.) Manage Your Belief System
9.) Manage Your Actions (and Reactions)
10.) Manage Your Relationships
11.) Manage Your Career
12.) Manage Your Free Time
13.) Manage Your Health
There…start with that.
Effectively manage these 13 steps and you’ll avoid being one of the above statistics.
Manage You First and you’ll win every time…you’ll win with your health, your career, your relationships, your happiness and, of course, your life.
And Marry YourSelf First!
Coach Ken Donaldson: Healthy, Happy and Lasting Relationship Secrets Uncovered
Filed under: boundaries, communication, dating, divorce, health, humor, Ken Donaldson's Blog, life purpose, marriage, marry yourself first, passion, relationship, singles, success, values, vision map, work life balance
Whether you’re single, in a relationship or perhaps coming out of a relationship, it’s always good to know the primary relationship building blocks…right?!!
Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to work with and/or interview thousands of people and ask them about their relationships.
I’ve noticed some trends in the happier, healthier and longer lasting relationships: The individuals in those relationships have some very clear traits and behaviors that separated them from the rest.
Want to know what they are?
Here you go:
The 12 Steps to Proactively Creating a Divorce-Proof Marriage
1.) Know yourself, trust yourself and like yourself first!
• Define your Life Purpose
• Discern and live by your Values and Priorities
• Create your Life Vision and Life Mission Statement
• Develop a Legacy that will live forever
2.) Create a Balanced Lifestyle
• Set Boundaries and eliminate energy drains
• Create a proactive Self Maintenance program
• Evaluate and Inventory your lifestyle weekly
3.) Surround yourself with Supportive Networks and Communities
• Seek out like-minded and like-valued people
• Create Accountability agreements with others
• Avoid negative situations and environments
4.) Know your Requirements and Needs
• Create and live by your “Deal Makers” and “Deal Breakers”
• Make direct requests to get your needs met
• Always be true to yourself
5.) Take your work in life seriously, but take life lightly
• Practice being flexible, fluid, and accepting
• Avoid trying to “push the river”
• Express your passion in life with the utmost of passion
6.) Understand the healthy romantic relationship developmental process
• Create the criteria for your Life Partner
• Develop “Screening” and “Testing” strategies
• Use your support system for feedback and input
7.) Define your personal Spirituality
• Discover and walk your Spiritual Path
• Practice daily acts to activate your “Highest Self”
• Accept life on life’s terms
8.) Be perfectly imperfect
• Know your character challenges and work to strengthen those areas
• Accept all your errors, mis-takes and failures
• Practice non-judgment of yourself and all others
9.) Live from Abundance
• Practice daily acts of ‘Random Kindness”
• Develop a “Pay it Forward” system in your life
• Create an affirming, fear-less inner dialogue
10.) Be an Excellent Communicator
• Practice Active Listening as often as possible
• Commit to creating a “Win-Win” outcome with others
• Learn to process emotions, conflict and disagreements
11.) Get out of your comfort zone
• Learn to accept all your uncomfortable feelings and emotions
• Practice deliberate daily acts of new behavior
• Celebrate discomfort as healthy growth and development
12.) Consciously Breathe and Smile
• Learn to be Silly (use a clown nose if you need too!!)
• Develop Breathing Exercises to enhance your Mind, Body, Heart and Soul
• Smile until you are happy
And if you like this, you’re going to love the workshop this Saturday:
Love YourSelf Before You Love Again
Saturday, November 13th, 9 A.M. – 5 P.M.
Cost: $27 if prepaid, $37 at the door (and includes lunch!!)
FAMILY RESOURCES
5180 62nd Avenue North
Pinellas Park, FL 33781.
CLICK HERE TO REGISTER OR CALL 866.600.6064.
Marry YourSelf First! Audio
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Marry YourSelf First! Audio
Marry YourSelf First is now available on audio! Click here to learn more
Men and Depression
Why The Hell Am I Feeling This Way? Men and Depression: For all Men and the Women who love them Click Here
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