Those Cheating Hearts and Why They – And Their Partners – Don’t Change
I joined my friends at Fox TV again to talk about infidelities, cheating and affairs.
Not fun topics, but real and unfortunately devastating when they occur.
Why do people cheat?
Many reasons, but primarily because of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
But what’s most alarming is the lack of trying to remedy the problems.
All too often, instead of truly trying to resolve issues, one or both people begin to try to get their needs met elsewhere.
But if they don’t resolve their issues and don’t develop different problem solving skills, they then set themselves up to repeat the same pattern again…and gain…and again…and…
You get the picture, right?
The 50% divorce rate in the U.S. is a universally accepted stat for most people.
But what about the 67% of second and 74% of third marriages?
Wow! These numbers are not so common.
And what they infer is that “changing partners is not the solution.”
Sorry to be the bearer of the news.
The bottomline is this: If people do not change their thinking, their actions and their attitudes they will inevitably repeat the same patterns over and over again.
This is true in relationships AND everywhere in life.
So why are people not running to make changes to improve their relationship outcomes, their health and their careers?
Answer: It’s “easier” not to.
The problem is that “easier” is often not better.
But the core of this is much bigger. We are simply not taught how to effectively change.
We are a “change ignorant” people.
(Please don’t be offended…it’s NOT your fault.)
Just as people will often repeat the same behaviors in their relationships, they will also repeat their same counter-productive, unhealthy and self-defeating behaviors in all areas of their lives, including, but not limited to, physically, spiritually, friendships, career and recreationally.
But even though change may not always be easy, it can be simple.
Here’s a brief explanation: Change is not easy because of the emotions usually involved. Simply stated, people typically don’t change because they don’t like the way change “feels.”
And it is not “easy” to know what to do with those emotions when they arise, so people usually avoid them and, as a result, continue the same behavior.
The “simplicity” of change, however, requires only four primary points. No rocket science or learning a new language required.
Just four simple points:
1.) You must change your thinking. When you do this appropriately and successfully, your feelings (emotions) will automatically change…so will your attitude.
2.) You must change your actions. When you do something you “don’t feel like doing” you begin to change the neuro-pathways in your brain. This is the foundation of all your habitual behavior, and your habits are typically what you are most comfortable with even if they are not good for you.
3.) You must change your social circle, or at least how your social network interacts with you. This may be the most important piece. When you make an accountability agreement with another person to change something in your life, you have successfully come out of the dark and into the light. You’re making your efforts more visible and in doing so you prompt yourself to change more.
4.) You must change your environments. This includes where you go, what you do and what you’re predominately surrounded by and influenced by during your day-to-day and week-to-week activities. A simple example would be to paint a room a different color. You’ll then notice that you’ll have a different response…it’s really that simple.
Simple, yes, and difficult at the same time.
But when you do practice all four of these change points, you set yourself up for brand new outcomes and results….and that is what you want…right?
AND this is how people begin to break the vicious cycles of affairs and bad relationships…and it helps to have a skilled coach or experienced therapist assist you with this.